Thank goodness Thanksgiving is behind me now...

It was supposed to be a momentous occasion. It wasn't quite what I had hoped, but it was still wonderful.

I had so wanted to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and be thankful that I'd lost 100 pounds. And, though I didn't get to do that, I was still thankful for the weight I've lost. I did think about it throughout the whole meal, though. Although the food was not healthy, loaded with fat, loaded with calories (and oh so yummy), I took smaller portions and only ate until I was full, like I should. It was still an accomplishment!

Let me back up a minute first, though. Thanksgiving day started with me having a bit of a cold. I'd come down with it the afternoon before. So hubby (I so love him for taking care of me) went to the only grocery store open and got me some Sudafed. He also got me another something special. ... Okay, are you ready for this... deep breath... he got me a box of Entenmann's powdered sugar donuts! Oh, man! Were they good!! It was the perfect beginning to a perfect Thanksgiving. There were 18 donuts in the box. I gave hubby 2 and daughter 1. Do the math. That's 15 donuts I ate. They are 2 points a piece. ... Yup, 30 points for the whole box, which I downed in less than an hour. Man were they good!

So now I have those elusive yummy donuts out of my system. I ate so many of them, they're really not appealing to me any more. Whew!

Then for Thanksgiving dinner, I ate what I wanted to eat, even though it was smaller portions. I even had one piece of pumpkin pie afterwards. I did not count the points for dinner, though. But I imagine it was well over 50. :(

But all that aside, something wonderful happened this morning...

At weigh in...

I lost 3.4 pounds!!

What?!!??!!

Can you believe that???!!!

I know I can't. I seriously thought I'd gained 10 pounds. Seriously. I'm not over exaggerating.

I exercised only 2 days (Jillian Michaels workout on Monday and walking on Wednesday). But I think this was the key... I've started eating clean. That combined with the fact that my scale is still hidden somewhere in this house. He hid it good!

Each morning for breakfast (except Thursday), I had either an egg white omelet with ground turkey and veggies or steel cut oatmeal with either pumpkin or just some Splenda and soy milk and dried cranberries. Then for lunch, something with high fiber and protein (pinto beans, peanut butter sandwich, etc.) and for dinner chicken or turkey with fresh veggies—no butter. Then in between meals, I'd have an apple or some pecans or granola bar, etc. Oh, and I've been drinking my 8 cups of water every day!

It's not 100% on the Eat Clean diet, but it's alot closer. I'm still not through reading the book, yet, but so far, it's got alot of great nutritional information in it. It's a real easy read, I just haven't had much time to read (I never do), but the best thing about it is how she explains the science behind the different chemical reactions that happen from eating different things and exercising. It's like, finally, someone is telling me how to eat healthy and the 'why' behind it all. Really good stuff.

Most of the principals behind the "diet" are just to eat healthy, chicken/turkey with fresh veggies and fresh fruit with a hearty breakfast of oatmeal or egg whites and then regular exercise, strength training and eating every 3 hours. But what's so great about the book is the way I'm becoming equipped to really know how to make healthy choices. To recognize when food seems like it's healthy, but really isn't.

Well, I hope this week's weigh in wasn't a fluke. I hope this is what I can expect while I keep eating clean.

I've now lost a total of 96.8 lbs.

I'm still doing Weight Watchers. Still counting points. I won't ever stop that. WW has been such a trusted friend to me through this whole journey.

So we'll see how next week goes. I'm still going to continue eating clean and counting points and exercising my butt off. And NOT weighing myself at home. That has been such a huge stress reliever for me. I can now look to my body to tell me how I am doing rather than the scale. It's funny, because this morning when I was getting ready, I felt skinnier. I knew in my heart that there was no way I could have lost this past week after all I ate on Thursday, but I could really feel skinnier. Now I know how to listen to my body for signs of how I'm doing. What a great feeling. I know I've said this before, but it has been so liberating for me to not weigh myself at home.

How was your Thanksgiving?

.

Monday, Monday, so good to me...

Good Monday morning to you all.

And thank you for the wonderful comments yesterday. :]

I had a great weekend. Hung out with hubby all weekend. Couldn't have been better. We even went and walked around the mall yesterday for no reason at all.

Tell me, ladies, how many husbands would do that? Just walk around the mall and with no agenda or reason to be there? We didn't even buy anything. Oh, except for this adorable t-shirt we got for hubby at the Disney store. It was Grumpy with his arms crossed and it said "I'm allergic to happy people". :D

I found some beautiful dresses. I mentally added them to my "goal weight closet". Can't afford to buy them (mainly because they cost over $100 each). But they were gorgeous!

On Biggest Loser last week, my favorite contestant, Colleen, the one who I wanted to win the whole thing, brought out a shirt that she had in her "goal weight closet" and tried it on and she was so excited that it fit. And it looked perfect on her, too. I'd never heard of a goal weight closet before. But I LOVE the concept. So I went out this weekend and bought a piece of clothing to start my goal weight closet.

I got this adorable little cotton tank top undershirt/nightie with matching undies that are pink with brown drawings of cupcakes all over them with brown piping. Cuz you know how much I LOVE the cupcake. They're adorable. I have them hanging on the back of my bedroom door for now. Once I add more clothing to the "closet", I'll start a section in my actual closet.

I got up this morning and did another Jillian Michaels workout. The same level one Shred video. It was still extremely hard, but I got through this one much easier than the last one. I'm sure the more I do them, the easier they'll get, though I'm sure they'll never be easy. I heard her say in this one "if this is your 5th or 6th time through this video, I'll bet things are getting easier for you". So I'm on the right track. Her video touts that you'll lose 20 pounds in 30 days. I'm not looking to lose that much. Maybe even just 2 pounds in 30 days would be good for me.

I'm still dumbfounded that it look me 4 1/2 months to lose 10 1/2 pounds. I remember the day when I could lose 10 pounds in a month. I know those days are gone. But I'm not focusing on the numbers any more. I still don't know where my scale is. Thank goodness hubby won't tell me where it is. I KNOW I'd sneak and weigh myself.

Well, how is your Monday shaping up?

.

Rounding the corner and gaining momentum...

Well, today was weigh in...

Didn't do so good—according to the scale!

Gained 1 pound.

However, and this is a triumphant "however", I am not upset in the least little teeny tiny bit!

I HAD A GREAT WEEK!

• I ate truly healthy—no cheating.
  
• I exercised every day—yes every day.
  
• I didn't depend on the scale to tell me how I was doing—wow, was that hard!
  
• I drank tons of water every day—I think I can swim, now, without being in a pool.
  
• I exercised much more than I ever have—added two new regiments to my routine.
  
• I resisted extremely tempting food—twice.
• My cravings changed from wanting junky food to craving healthy food—never thought that would happen, seriously!
  

And most importantly, I feel great!

You know, if you look at the list above, for just one of these things to have happen to me last week would be a triumph. But to have all of them happen, is monumental! I really feel like I've turned the corner in my weight loss.

Sure, I've made changes in my weight loss program over the last 18 months by changing my habits or changing my regiment and I've seen some amazing outcomes. But this one is different. I no longer want to be a slave to the scale. Now I totally get why Scale Junkie only weighs herself 2 or 3 times a year. I don't think I could dare go that long in between weigh ins. Maybe some day I'll be able to. But for now, not weighing myself at home is so incredibly liberating. I totally feel like a new woman.

I've really been noticing changes in my body and my life, lately. And I'm so happy with myself.

I remember feeling so embarrassed when I'd go to the grocery store or a restaurant. I was so fat and being in a place where they sold food was like saying to the world "look out, here comes fatty, fatty two by four, she's going to eat all of the food in this place".

Now... It's so cool. I walk around with my head held high. I'm so proud of my new body. I'm even getting the feelings back that there might actually be a man out there that would look at me and say to himself "wow, she's hot". Can you believe that?! I used to want to hide my head in the sand and now look at me.

I started in a size 26/28. I'm in a 12/14 now. I've lost a total of 93.4 pounds.

Side note: You might notice the Healthy You Challenge badge on the right side of my blog that says I've lost 95 pounds. Well, I did, a few weeks ago. Well, actually a little over a month ago. I'd lost 96.2 pounds as of Oct 18th. Then I hit my proverbial brick wall. Things just started to fall apart for me. I've never unraveled like this before. I knew I'd make it through, because my glass is always half full, but I didn't know how. But I think I've made it through and I think I'm going to be okay.

Anyways, 93.4 pounds is amazing! I'm so proud of it! I sometimes still can't believe I'd done it. Sure, I still have about 35+ pounds I want to lose, but I'm not obsessing over it any more. When it happens it'll happen.

I was watching a show, tonight, about these ladies who had gastric bypass surgery and how much weight they'd lost. One lady in particular was so amazing. She'd lost 180 pounds. And you should see her. She looked amazing! She's a hard body, now. She actually teaches people at the gym, now, about how to exercise and eat better to lose the weight. She works with obese people mostly. And it was so amazing seeing her work with these women who I can (and she can) totally and wholly identify with. We know their shame. We know their pain. We have been through it. I said to myself, I want to be just like her some day. And at first, I meant my body. I want to be a hard body just like her. But I think I want to be more than that. I want to be an inspiration to all those women out there who are just like I used to be. I want them to know that they can do it. They can. I did.

My husband is sitting next to me at his computer playing the guitar (reading the music online) and he's playing The River by Garth Brooks. Wow, how appropriate! It's been a long time since I've heard the lyrics. It's like he's playing the sound track to my life right now. Listen to this verse...

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...

My dream is to be a whole and happy person again. I'm learning from what's behind me. I don't know what's in store for me. And each day is a constant battle. But I will sail my vessel until the river runs dry. Until I make it through and reach my destination.

That being said, one journey comes to an end today. Today is the end of the 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge that I started last July. I had hoped to lose a total of 100 pounds by Thanksgiving so I could sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and be thankful for losing it all. Alas, I did not meet the challenge. But I gave it my all. And I'm not sad that I didn't make it. I am astounded that I've made it as far as I have.

Some of you came along with me on my journey to lose 18 pounds in 18 weeks and I want to honor you and your efforts today. Some of you have gained and some have not lost as much as they wanted to (welcome to the same boat I'm in). But we did try. We did persevere. And here's to you...

Mary Fran gained 14 pounds. Please don't be down on yourself for this. You're still in it. That's what counts. If you'd given up, that'd be a different story, but you're still here and going strong.

Karyn lost 10.4 pounds. Way to go Karyn. I'm so proud of you. Quite an accomplishment!

Katschi has lost at least 15 pounds. She doesn't know for sure if that's her total loss since the start of the challenge, because she accidentally deleted her blog and doesn't have the records. :( Still 15 pounds is impressive in only 3 weeks! You're such an inspiration for me!

Donna has lost a total of 8 pounds. Not bad considering what's been going on in her life lately. She completely dropped off the blogsphere for two months. But she's back now! Yea!

Cathy lost a total of 8.6 pounds. (She doesn't have a blog.) She even lost 2 pounds just this past week so she's doing awesome!

Spunky Suzi has lost 13.6 pounds. She's going strong. I love following her food blog!

There are one other member of the challenge who I haven't heard from as to how much she's lost. But I want to mention her here, because she deserve the attention just like the rest of us. So here's to Bento Diet — the last she logged in with me, she'd lost 5.5 pounds.

And then there's me. I lost a total of 10.4 pounds. Not quite what I had hoped for. But that's 10 pounds more than I had lost before July, right? That's 10 pounds that I'm not carrying on my body any more. Be happy, Cara!

Great job, girls! We did it! The challenge is over and we're so much better for it. Even if we gained more than we wanted or didn't lose as much as we wanted, we're still in this and we're still going strong. Together we'll make it all the way to the end!

.

Today is the start of a great day...

I did it, I exercises again this morning!

I so did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. And I thought, I'm still sore, I don't need to exercise, right? But I knew if I didn't, I'd be hating myself all day and probably for a long time.

I did another Jillian Michaels workout. This time, though, I only did the Level 1 30-Day Shred workout. Was still extremely hard. I kept yelling at the TV asking her to please stop. "Come on, this has got to be the last rep!" She didn't listen, though, she just kept pushing.

She kept saying things like, 'if you feel it burning, you know its working', and 'I know you want to stop, I know you feel like you're dieing, but this is when you need to push through because you asked for radical results from us and the only way we can keep our end of the bargain is if you keep your end and push through the pain and exhaustion'.

She was right.

I really feel good.

Now, I'm off to go have some breakfast. Steel cut oats with a little sweetener and soy milk, oh, and dried cranberries.

Eating still going great. Drinking LOTS of water. Still no scale. I sure do miss mister squarepants. :[

.

Boy am I sore!

I am so sore!

That workout yesterday morning really did me in. I can't believe it! Jillian kicked my butt! — Literally!

My legs and butt and arms are so sore. I had no idea. It really looked like an easy workout.

I went walking last night. Took the dogs around the block 4 times. That's a little over a mile and a half altogether. Half hour at a leisurely pace.

I have two dogs, one is an 8-year-old Chihuahua and the other is a 2 1/2 year old shepherd/lab mix (rescue animal)—Emma.

When we first got Emma, she was very sick. We didn't know it at the time, but she had distemper. It totally freaked me out because I'd always heard that dogs who got distemper died—there was no cure. Well, there is no cure for it, actually. We found out that the only treatment for it is antibiotics. We took her to the vet, 2 days after we got her, and the vet immediately put her on antibiotics. She seemed to get better, for a day, but then she got worse again. So we took her back and they tried different antibiotics. They didn't work either. So we took her back and they "admitted" her into "puppy hospital" where she stayed for a few days so they could give her intravenous antibiotics.

That seemed to do the trick, but there were some side effects from each of the antibiotics. Things like, she'll go blind when she gets older, she'll have hip problems and a couple of others and the one that is a problem now, is the pads on her feet are extremely thin.

She's the toughest dog I've ever seen, you can do anything to her and she tolerates it and never whimpers or shows any kind of pain (no I haven't inflicted pain on her intentionally, but on accident things happen). So when she's out walking, her paws get raw (they'll even bleed if she walks for too long). But she won't tell us. She just keeps walking and wagging her tail and having a blast. So she can only go once around the block with us then she gets dropped off at the house and her "big" brother (ha ha, he's a 10-pound dog and she's 85 pounds, but he's big brother to her) gets to go around another 3 laps.

He needs the exercise the worse. He's supposed to be 9 pounds and he's one pound too heavy. But we're working on that. He's working on his first 10% :]

I posted her blog entries, from her MySpace page, if you want to read some really cute stories about her illness. They're written from her perspective... Here.

So, anyways, I'm still extremely sore, but I haven't let that slow me down. Walking every night for 30 minutes and walking with the girls 2 days this week for an hour. I'm going to try another workout tomorrow morning, but this one will be level 1. Although I know I won't be able to do much, I know I do need to keep exercising.

Eating has been going great, too. I bought some fresh baby spinach at the store yesterday and cooked that with some grilled chicken (with onions and peppers). Was very yummy. I've never cooked fresh spinach before. I didn't even know how to cook it. I had to look it up online. Ends up its about the easiest thing in the world to cook.

Thanks for all of your responses about the 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge. I'll post everyone's final weights this weekend after my last weigh in.

Still no scale this morning. It's driving me crazy!

.

I'm back at exercising and having a great week!

I found something wonderful this morning! I found this channel called "Exercise TV" on my cable. I had no idea it was there. I've never seen it. It's ALL exercise videos!

I can't ride my bike out because its in the upper 30s in the mornings so I need to find something I can do inside. I only have Billy Banks' Cardio Circuit Tae Bo video. It's a great workout, but I'm kinda getting tired of it.

So this morning, I chose Jilian Michaels. I'm a die-hard Biggest Loser fanatic! Bob Harber has a workout on there too. I'll do his next. I can't make up my mind which trainer I like the best, but I lean more towards Bob because he works alot with yoga and relaxation, which, face it girls, we need a lot of—relaxation!

So anyway, I did her 30-Day Shred workout. It was level 2. I missed level 1 somehow. It was 20-minutes of hell! Man am I TIRED!!!

I previewed the video before I started and it didn't look very hard at all. Man was that deceiving! I worked my butt off!

I feel real good! This is the first "real" exercise I've done in weeks. Sure, I walk every Tues & Thurs mornings for an hour, but that's more medium/low-intensity cardio. This was a great change.

Now I'll just have to see if I can get my lazy butt out of bed on Friday to do a different work out.

I've had a really great week since I've decided to stop beating myself up about not losing like I want to. I've actually done some really cool things this week:

• I only ate ONE piece of pizza when the family ordered a large pizza from Pizza Hut (my favorite pizza place on the planet!). It was loaded with everything I like. But I said I could only eat one piece and I told them I couldn't order it. I figured I didn't want to be the catalyst to bringing pizza into the house. And I stuck to my guns ... ONLY HAD ONE PIECE!

• Then a day before yesterday, we had a coupon to a local restaurant (35% off!) so I met hubby after work and I was running a bit late. So he ordered an appetizer. POTATO SKINS!!! I couldn't believe it when I sat down and saw those awesomely scrumptious delights sitting there waiting on me! And loads of sour cream too! ... I DID NOT EAT ONE OF THEM!

• Then, I decided to try not weighing myself this week, at all. Well, the week started off rough, because I weighed myself Monday because I just couldn't not do it! Then I talked to hubby about it that night and he said he'd hide the scale for me. (Isn't he mister wonderful?!) So, perfect! I wouldn't have to even see the scales so I won't be tempted. Well, Tuesday morning came and the scales were still there. ... so I weighed myself. ... I have no restraint. None! ... This morning when I got into the bathroom, you'll never guess... the scales were gone! Woo hoo! I'm free! It actually feels liberating right now. We'll see how it goes the rest of the week, but for now ... I DID NOT WEIGH MYSELF THIS MORNING!

• I've also been drinking more water. That's been a struggle of mine for soooooo long. Some experts say you should have 8 glasses a day. Some say, take your weight and divide it in half and that's how many ounces you should be drinking each day. Well, for me, that's about the same. So I've been trying to drink 5 bottles (16 ounces or .5L) a day ... YESTERDAY, I HAD ALL FIVE BOTTLES!

• Oh, and I've walked for 30 minutes every night this week. This is in addition to my regular exercise routine. I still exercise and walk in the mornings for an hour. But this is a new addition. The nights have been so wonderful and I figured the dogs could use the exercise. So every night after dinner, I've been taking them out for a half hour walk around the neighborhood. I know that's helping with my digestion and keeping my metabolism reved up. So here's to ... WALKING FOR 30 MINUTES EACH NIGHT!
  

I've also been making extremely healthy choices for my food. I've been reading Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Diet book and getting some great ideas for the types of foods that will hype my metabolism and will make me feel fuller longer and feed my body with the proper nutrients.

Yesterday, for breakfast, I had 3/4 cup steel cut oats with a half a cup of pumpkin, a tablespoon of honey, a shake of pumpkin pie spice and 2 tablespoons of dried cranberries. It was like a sweet Thanksgiving treat! Was so yummy!

I've made very smart choices this week for my food. So far, this "break" is going great.

By the way, this is the last week for the 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge and I didn't want to ignore you guys that are still on the challenge. I would love to hear what you guys have lost since the challenge started on July 12th. I'm sure everyone else here would love to hear also. So, let me know: Karyn, Katschi, MaryFran, Donna, Spunky Suzi and Bento Diet, Cathy. Even if it's a loss or a break even or even if it's one pound, we should be proud of our efforts. So please let me know so I can post a final post this weekend with our final results.

.

Am I obsessed with the scales???

You know I've been thinking about something I said in my last post. I had been weighing myself all week, last week, and counting down how much I'd lost each morning and then by weigh in day I'd lost 1.2 pounds from my previous weigh in weight (the previous Saturday). Then when I weighed in (at WW), I'd only lost 4/10ths of a pound.

I wonder if I'm trying to tell myself something? In my quest for tracking my weight, I wonder if that isn't adding to my frustration?

I used to not be able to weigh myself every day because it would really add stress to my life. But since WW, I've actually looked forward to weighing myself each morning. Because the scale always showed a loss, it was exciting to get up in the morning and weigh myself to watch the numbers go down.

But now, after 18 months of this, I wonder if it isn't time to go back to the way I used to do it and not weigh myself except at weigh in.

It might relieve some of the stress of my obsessing over my weight.

My mom has decided to put the scales away for a while. We seem to be going through the same highs and lows lately and she's having a hard time with all of this too. But I wonder... if she can do, can I?

I don't know if I can. I can't imagine not weighing myself each morning. How will I be able to tell if what I'm doing is working?? I'd have to wait an entire week to see if what I'm eating or how I'm exercising is actually working. Could I actually do that??

What's the alternative? Frustration. Obsession. Compulsion.

Do you weigh in every morning?

.

still going strong...

I feel a lot of pressure off since my last post. I'm still working on losing weight, but I've put the "goal" behind me for now. Or actually, just extended it for a while. Barb (the wonderful lady who weighs me in each Saturday morning) mentioned this morning maybe aim for the end of the year. That's a possibility. And maybe something more realistic.

(Time out for a sec... I have to say that I really enjoy my WW team. They're always so encouraging. And if you haven't done so, you should read my leader's comments on my last post. Very supportive. I thoroughly enjoyed the meeting today too.) Now back to my post...

I realized when I first started the 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge in July it would be a hard one to accomplish. Let's face it—one pound a week can be a lot! But I'm all for setting goals. If I don't have a goal, I'll flounder. But I think this one was just too much for me. I just took it too seriously. And 18 weeks didn't seem like that long of a time. But it was FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS! What was I thinking!?

I lost this week!!

Yea!!!

It was only 4/10ths of a pound. But you know? I'm proud of it!

I had to admit that when I first heard that I'd lost the 4/10ths I was a bit disappointed. But let me explain why. I had weighed myself at home and, according to my weight before WI last Sat and my weight before WI this Sat, I was down 1.2 pounds.

I sat there in the meeting feeling sorry for myself. Man! I had only lost 4/10ths!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!!

4/10ths is huge!

It hit me when I was sitting at lunch with my family today (our regular Saturday afternoon event). I sat there about to order and thought about ordering what ever I wanted and was even considering getting dessert. But as my eyes were perusing the menu and my mouth was watering at all of the fatty delectables, it hit me... I had just lost 4/10th of a pound! And if I ordered whatever my heart desired, that 4/10th would go down the crapper (literally). My whole week of struggle would be for nothing. So then I started to cherish that 4/10ths ... 4/10ths was really a great loss!

I'm so proud of it, I made a graphic in honor of it:

You know, something else happened this week that wasn't reflected on my WI that I should be darn proud of...

Okay, to start with, I have to confess to all of the junk I ate last weekend. I won't go into the gory details, but lets just say it wasn't pretty. The weekend ended with a Chocolate Stampede from Longhorn Steakhouse. Here's the description from their website: Two peaks of chocolate cake packed with six (yes, six) types of chocolate including chocolate mousse, fudge icing and chocolate shavings! Served with vanilla bean ice cream, fudge sauce and whipped cream. OMG! Was it rich! And probably 300 points! Here's a pic:

The whole weekend was pretty much like that.

I gained 4 pounds by Monday morning.

So technically, I didn't lose just 4/10ths of a pound, I lost 4.4 pounds right?!

I really did try, too. All week. Though I only exercised twice. Boo! No excuse for not exercising more. None at all!

But you know, I'm still in this for the long haul. I'm going to make it to 140 eventually. My next goal is still 100 pounds. I'm 5.6 pounds away from it. It might happen before the end of the year, it might not. But when it happens, it'll be great! I know it will.

By the way, check out my new "before and during" photo to the right. I'm looking so good, aren't I?

Oh, by the way, thanks for the encouragement, Katchi. I went out and bought Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Diet book. I was very excited to hear how much you'd lost from "eating clean". I'm not sure if this diet is right for me, but it does look interesting. I'm not usually into eating grains and nutty things, but since I started WW I've always wanted to eat ultra healthy. And this looks like a great start. I'm just reading through the book this weekend, but so far, it looks great. It's in line with my "eating healthy" practices that I've adopted so far—whole grain, low fat, high protein, high fiber, organic. I've also wanted to try the Maker's Diet by Paul Rubin. Both of these books seem to take you back to the traditional way of eating that we did before there were processed foods, when grains were the main staple of every diet. We'll see how it goes.

And thank you to everyone who has been such an encouragement to me via this blog and in my life. It is so awesome for me to hear how I could possibly be an inspiration to anyone. I'm so happy I could do that for you. Your comments just make me want to keep going.

I won't give up!

.

So what's next for me?

I haven’t posted in over a week.

I gained a pound this past Saturday.

I am now 6 pounds away from my goal of losing 100 pounds by Thanksgiving. The problem is, there are only 2 more weigh ins before Thanksgiving so I have now resigned to the fact (gulp) that I will not make my 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge. I will not be able to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and “be thankful for losing 100 pounds.”

(sniff sniff)

So onward I go.

I knew before I started the challenge it was a tough one and one that I would likely not meet. One pound a week is very hard when you’ve been doing it as long as I have. One pound a week was a piece of cake when I first started. But after a year and a half of it, my body just doesn’t respond the same. Neither does my will power or my passion for it.

I just read my mom’s blog for today and she has hit my nail right on it’s head.

Although her situation is different than mine—she doesn’t have anyone around her to help encourage her where as I, on the other hand, have my husband going through this with me. But we’re both in the same boat.

You would think with my husband, the closest person to me, going through this with me, things would be easier. I hear stories from other people ALL the time saying how their husband or kids keep snacks in the house, etc. and how impossible it is to lose weight with everyone around them eating the good stuff. So you’d think I would be one of the lucky ones. For whatever the reason, though, I feel the same exact way the my mom does.

I think I need to ease up for a while. I've been doing this so hard core for so long that I think it is finally gotten to me. Listen to this...

1. I’ve lost 94 pounds. That’s great! That’s phenomenal!! That’s a huge accomplishment!!!

2. I only have 30 more pounds to lose so by most peoples’ standards, I’m only slightly overweight.

3. And I keep hearing from EVERYONE how good I look and how they just can’t believe that I want to lose more weight. When I tell them I have 30 more pounds to go, they tell me I'm crazy.

These are the things that go through my head constantly.

So why shouldn’t I go easy for a while?

My mom talked about how when we first got into this whole thing of weight loss how we had this image of “skinny” in our heads and it was our motivator and our goals. But after a while it became about being healthy and feeling better.

Well, I’m healthy. I feel a 1,000% better than I did 94 pounds ago.

I do still want to get down to 140 pounds. I don’t ever want to give that up as my ultimate goal. But I’m just so physically, mentally and emotionally sick to death of trying to lose weight right now.

Maybe if I take it easy for a while I will be better equipped (emotionally and mentally) to pick up this journey where I left off and finish it.

So what does this mean for me? I'm not quitting Weight Watchers—I'll still go every weekend. I won't stop weighing in. I won't stop counting points. I won't stop exercising.

But I will stop obsessing over this whole thing. I will stop stressing out when I don't lose what I thought I should have. I will stop sacrificing to the point of deprivation. I will stop "pushing through the pain". I will stop being disappointing every week because I didn't lose what I wanted to.

Basically, what I'm changing is my mind-set. I'm tired of always being disappointing because I'm not losing like I should be. My new goal is to lose 2/10ths of a pound each week. If it takes me another year to lose 15 pounds, I am completely happy with that. I just can't keep doing this. I keep beating my head up against that wall for what? I'm doing good. I've done good. Right?

I don't know if any of this makes sense. It's just something I have to do to keep my sanity. I've been OBSESSING over food for the past 18 months. I'm just tired of playing this game.

.

Voting and losing...

I'm standing in line to vote. Line isn't so bad. I thought it would be out the door but its only maybe 20 people.

While I'm waiting...

I didn't exercise this morning because I have to vote before work, but I did exercise yesterday. Went biking! Woo hop! Haven't done that in quite a while. Maybe even a month!

Boy I could tell it too. My butt got so sore. Instantly. Then it hurt for about an hour after too. I think it was my sciatic nerve.

I got so exhausted too. I was planning on my regular 10 to 12 miles but only ended up going about 7. At least I did it. That's something. I felt so good all day, too.

Happy Vote Day!

.

i'm getting nervious about meeting my goal...

So yesterday's weigh in wasn't that spectacular, but at least I pulled a loss.

Only lost 2/10ths of a pound, but at least it was a loss. I was convinced I was going to gain 3 pounds after the mac & cheese and sausage & peppers fiasco's.

I did quite horrible yesterday, too, after weigh in. I had a food-free-for-all. I still can't believe all I ate. I'm so embarrased about it, I don't want to tell you what I ate. I really done. But I think that's what this whole blog is all about... being accountable. So it's my duty to disclose all the junk I ate. So here goes...

• Egg beater omlet with onions, pepper & tomatoes
• Wheat toast with real butter and orange preserves
• Oatmeal with brown sugar and raisins
• Cheese Fries: French fries drenched in cheese sauce and topped with melted grated cheese and bacon strips and tons of fattening ranch dressing
• Ruffles Chips (about half a bag) and a block of 1/3 less fat cream cheese and also about half a container of Heluva Good French onion sour cream dip
• Pillsbury Chocolate Chip cookies (about 10-12 of them)
• Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche ice cream (a small 6 ounce tub)

I have no idea how to count that many points. I don't even want to attempt. I'll just say that I killed all of my flex points for the week and call it done and behind me.

I ate very sensible today. Within my 22 daily points.

I did gain 2 pounds when I weighed myself, but I fully expected 5 pounds so I wasn't too upset by 2 pounds. I'm going to work out in over time this coming week. I have 5 pounds to lose in the next 3 weeks so I have to step it up. I really don't think it's going to happen, but I'm not going to stop trying.

I made Taco Soup tonight. I've been having pinto beans for lunch about every other day for the past couple of months because I read that pinto beans will lower your cholesterol by 20% if you have a cup every day. I don't have any problems with my cholesterol but I'm all for eating things that will help my body be more healthy. Anyways, so I got the recipe from my mom's blog who got it from JC's blog. I believe it's a WW recipe.

I was a little skeptical of it being only 1 point for a cup so I put it to the test. I looked at all of the labels from the cans and bags of ingredients and wrote down the calories, fat, fiber and sodium. I thought this might knock your socks off to see the totals: 1,740 calories, 5.5 grams fat, 64 grams of fiber, and 10,925 grams of sodium. Man that sounds like alot, huh? But it's not actually. :) Not after you divide the number of servings. I'm not sure if I did mine right because the recipe said it was 15 one-cup servings but I only got 11 one-cup servings. So mine was 2 points per serving. Still it's not bad. 2 points for a cup of soup is great. But the sodium... It ends up being 993 grams of sodium per serving. Yikes! It's so yummy, though.

.