Small steps on a Saturday...

Okay, first of all, please excuse my blog design changes. I had a perfectly wonderful (in my humble opinion, being as I created it) blog design going on but the background image somehow got deleted from the server and I can't find a back-up of it and so I'm left with using Blogger's new "template design" thingiemabobber which is driving me nuts.

But I digress...

Weigh in this morning!!

I lost 1.6 lbs.

Normally I'd be completely doing cartwheels (if I could) over this loss, but I've had this type of loss A LOT over the past few months, only to be followed by a 2 or 3 or 4 pound gain the very next week. So my challenge for now is to keep it off for just one week. That's a huge challenge for me right now.

So we'll see how it goes.

I didn't do too bad on my eating plan today. We ate at this new chinese buffet today (we always go out on Saturday afternoons with my in-laws) that was actually VERY VERY good even if I'm NOT a huge chinese food fan. I should have stopped at one plate full but I went for one and two-thirds of a plate full. And I have no idea how to judge the points. I had a few dumplings, 3 or 4 pieces of fried shrimp, maybe a half a cup of pork lo mein, something called cantonese noodles, a small piece of stuffed flounder, a few pieces of crab rangoon, and a few other things that were just one piece here and one piece there. So I'm just going to say it was 25 points plus and leave it at that. No clue.

But the rest of the day I was good so far as my food choices go.

The most important part was the self-talk I carried with me through the day. Every time my obsession with thinking about and planning for food came up, I'd try to refocus my thoughts on Him or whatever else was going on at the time. I'm really trying to refocus my food thoughts so I can get control over my constant cravings.

I read some more in the Made to Crave book and I'm really loving it. Chapter 5 is amazing -- "Made for More". Listen to this "We need a power beyond our frail attempts and fragile resolve."

Boy do I ever. I have been banging my head against the cravings wall for so long (my frail attempts) and so far, I just keep giving in to them (my fragile resolve). Here's a prayer she put in the chapter that really spoke to me:

God, I recognize I am made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I need to eat to live, not live to eat. So, I keep asking for Your wisdom to know what to eat and Your indwelling power to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me.

How simple is that truth?

So all day I kept asking for His help to keep the food thoughts out of my head. I can't say that I didn't dwell on it a bit more than I should have, but it was less than I thought about it yesterday. So one tiny step forward. I'll take what I can get.

I'm glad some of you have already ordered or downloaded the book. She has a whole website FULL of resources that go with the book. If you're not sure if you want to buy it, she has a 21 day challenge you can sign up for via email and it's what hooked me on getting the book because it has little nuggets from the book. There's a bunch more there, so check it out.

By the way, I am in no way associated with her, her organization or her publisher. Actually, I work for a rival publisher of hers. That's how I found the book in the first place--her publisher advertised the book in one of our magazines.

Well, onward and upward. Let's see if I can make it through Sunday without obsession over food or even worse, giving into my Sunday cravings.

Turning onto a new path in my weight loss journey...

I've turned a corner in my weight loss journey.

Well, no, wait a minute... not in my weight loss journey, but in my heart.

The most I can hope from this turn, is to not do a u-turn and head back down the path I've been on for the past couple of years.

As many of you might know, I've been on Weight Watchers since May 2007. So in a couple of months, I'll have been trying to reach my goal weight for FOUR YEARS. (yikes) I still haven't reached goal. 

Sure, I've reached major milestones along my journey, all of which I'm extremely proud of, but I haven't reached my ultimate goal weight yet.

Well, now I hope with this new turn, I can get there.

A little bit of history about my weight loss journey, for those of you who are new. Weight Watchers has taught me SO much about how to eat right. It's taught me what foods are good for my body and bad for my body. It's taught me that I can eat whatever I want to eat as long as I eat responsibly and watch my portions. It's taught me proper exercise. And an all around healthy look at the way I eat.

I've also tried a few other diet plans along the way, though none of them I've stuck with for very long. Maybe even a few weeks at a time. But each time I dabbled in something different, I learned so much more about foods and how they interact with my body.

I learned a great deal from the Eat Clean Diet. Man, if you ever want to learn exactly what food does to your body, that's the place to start. My husband tried a medical weight loss diet and I learned  a lot from his journey about carbs and sugars and protein and how they break down in your body for the good and bad.

So, all in all, I'd say I have a pretty good grasp on how to diet, or rather how to eat right and exercise to lose weight.

But here I sit, still 30 pounds from my ultimate goal (20 pounds from my Weight Watchers goal).

I was almost at my wits end when I recently stumbled across a lady who'd written a book about cravings. It started me to thinking about how throughout the 200+ blog posts and 4 years of daily eating and exercise habits, it has always come back to cravings for me. That's always been my down fall.

My cravings are SO bad. I'm sure you can all identify with it. A real good visual is the orange fuzzy monster that Weight Watchers came out with a couple of years ago to represent the "cravings monster" who stalks us and follows us wherever we go. I can say I've never physically seen that monster in my path, but I have definitely felt him emotionally and mentally taunting me and teasing me and making funny faces at me ALL THE TIME. My cravings are such a real and tangible thing.

So back to this book. It's by a lady named Lysa Terkeurst and it's called Made to Crave.

The book is about how God made us to crave, but not necessarily to crave food but more to crave Him. Listen to this verse: "How lovely is your dwelling place, oh Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." (Psalm 84:1-2). It says 'my heart & flesh cry out for God'. If I had to be completely honest with myself, my heart and flesh cry out for cheese fries, juicy burgers, lasagna, cheese & bacon soup, coconut cream pie, bacon & onion mac & cheese, donuts and full fat lattes (though my list of "crying out for" foods, could continue for another paragraph or two, to be truly honest). And I'm afraid that I've let my cravings for food consume my craving for God.

Here's an excerpt from her book that really sums up how I feel right now. She's talking about her endless cycle of waking up each morning and weighing herself just hoping that the scales would be kind to her, but they never were, and so she'd step into the kitchen and each whatever yummy thing she could find for breakfast, and start the cycle of bad choices for another day only to repeat this process every morning. Anyway, here's the excerpt:

And the cycle I've come to hate and feel powerless to stop continues. ... But I did need to make changes. I knew it. Because this wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Really surrender. Surrender to the point where I'd make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

Part of my surrender was asking myself a really raw question.

May I ask you this same raw question? Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am a deeply spiritual person and I rely on my God and my Saviour, Jesus, for every breath I take and everything move I make. How could this be humanly possible that I could love food more than God?

But I think back over the past 4 years, heck, the past 44 years, and I can see where my life has almost always revolved around food. I schedule for it. I anticipate it. I devote serious amounts of time to food every day of my life. You might even say I'm a bit obsessive compulsive about my lovely food. 

So maybe there's something to what she's saying.

Well, that is where I am right now. This is the corner that I've turned. I have no idea what's around the corner, but I know that I need to reexamine myself and my heart and get my priorities and my cravings set straight.

I'm only on chapter 4, but I feel like I'm on chapter one of my weight loss journey. And I feel really good about that. I really feel that if I could knock my cravings, or at least get them under control, I could beat this weight loss thing.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes. I plan on journalling more frequently (I know, you've heard that before). I want to work through this new process a bit more and I'm gonna need your help to get me through it. We'll see where I go from here. I hope it's to a better place and a more sane reality for me. Because I just don't know how much longer I can stay on the path I'm on continuing to not reach goal.

...

P.S. If you're interested in the book, I can post more info about it. Just let me know.

I've always been afraid that I would run out of food...

I'm heading down the same pathway I've traveled before. I recognize the trees and the houses along the side of the road. This route is so familiar to me, I could travel it blindfold.

But thank goodness the blindfolds are off.

All week, I've been having craving after craving. I've been thinking about a big, thick, juicy cheeseburger ... and my favorite snack, chips and dip ... and chocolate cake (which is weird, because I'm usually more of a vanilla cake type of person) ... and real macaroni & cheese ..., and onion rings ... and a baked potato with TONS of real sour cream and real butter ... and cupcake pops (if you've never heard of these before, check them out on my Facebook page, they're oh so yummy!) ... and donuts (yes, donuts again) ... and McDonald's sausage biscuit w/cheese & hash browns ... and real pancakes (not the healthy kind) with gobs of butter and syrup and powdered sugar ... and, well, I could go on and on but I think I'll stop for now.

Suffice it to say, I've had A LOT of cravings lately.

Why am I having these cravings?

Because I'm trying to sabotage myself again. I'm getting ever so close to a goal again and for some reason I have this "sabotage mechanism" that kicks in telling me that I can't do it. Telling me, "you're sacrificing too much, you need a reward."

The thing of it is, though, that I'm seeing clearly now for the first time and I am not really sacrificing. I'm not. Like tonight, I had a small plate of homemade spaghetti. And, because I knew it would haunt me if I didn't eat it, I had about 2 tablespoons of left over homemade mac & cheese from last night. I knew if I didn't eat it, it would be calling my name until I ate some of it.

So I'm doing this the right way, I'm allowing myself to have what I want, I'm just keeping it under control. Like, tonight, when I put the spaghetti on my plate, I piled it on. Because that's my sabotage mechanism kicking in. I was saying to myself, "go ahead, you've been good, indulge". Just when I was about to start eating, I looked at the plate and said "what are you doing?! you don't need that much spaghetti!!" And I was right, I would be completely satisfied with half that much. So I scooped half of it back in the pot and was completely satisfied with that much.

Speaking of being satisfied, I've really been focusing in on this lately. I'm so used to eating what I put on my plate, not matter how hungry I was. I'm used to piling it on and eating until it's gone. I've spent my entire life practicing that plan. But lately I've been asking myself why. And I'll be honest with you, I never thought I'd arrive at this place.

I mean, ever since I started Weight Watchers (almost 3 years ago), I've been at war with myself about the fact that I'll never be able to eat what I want and as much as I want for the rest of my life. I've cried about it and blogged about it. And honestly always thought it would be something I'd just have to live with.

But I'm just learning that I can still eat whatever I want, just not a ton of it, and I can still be happy. I remember when I first joined Weight Watcher and Ned said I could eat whatever I wanted on Weight Watchers. I thought to myself, at first, this is cool. But then after a year or so of not really eating what I wanted--or rather the amount of food I wanted--it started really ticking me off. I felt like I'd been bamboozled. Sure, I can eat anything I want, but I just can't have as much as I want. That doesn't sound right to me.

But now I'm learning that I don't really need to eat "as much as I want". I've really been focusing on my portions, lately, and noticing how satisfied I am. You know, they say there are 3 stages of fullness--satisfied, full and stuffed. I've always been somewhere between full and stuffed, with the needle leaning closer to stuffed, to feel happy. But I'm realizing that satisfied is taking on a whole new meaning.

See, I'd always thought that stuffed meant that everything was okay and I didn't have to worry that my food wouldn't be there later for me. If the food was there now, and I ate as much of it as possible, I wouldn't have to worry about it not being there later. I've always had a fear that I would run out of food. In fact, for years, I had to keep my cupboard doors open so I could see the food in there when I walked through the house. That's a hard one to overcome. And I don't claim to have beaten it. But I sure have taken one giant step towards winning the battle by realizing that if I get hungry later, I can eat more food later.

What a concept.

If I get hungry later, I can eat more later.

I don't know why that has never occurred to me before. How can something so simple be so elusive. The funny thing is that I've heard that over the past few years but I didn't believe it. I was still afraid the food would be gone later.

Now I know that satisfied is a great place to be. And I feel so happy that I've finally figured that one out.

As for my overdose of sodium last Sunday that caused 4 lbs of water retention, I've gotten all but about a half a pound of it off. Now my goal is to just NOT gain. Before, I wanted to lose the 6/10ths (or was it 4/10th) by this Saturday. Now I just want to NOT gain. I think that's a noble goal, don't you?

.

Can I throw in the towel now??

I have been having the hardest time, lately. My old demons of food addiction have been creeping up on me alot lately. Its really made me rethink all of my weigh loss accomplishments. Have I really come as far as it looks?

This week, I gained 3.2 lbs.

So that's the outward assessment of my weigh progress for this past week. But my inward assessment is that I feel like I'm slipping back into the old me. Now, I haven't been bingeing or hiding my food or eating in secret and I haven't been really over eating (too large portions) but I have been craving food and eating what I crave.

A craving is a good and natural thing. Most times. Our bodies will tell us when it needs certain foods. Right? So what do you do when your body tells you it needs a cheese quesadilla? Or fried chicken? Or chocolate cake? Or cheese fries? Or how about hand made potato chips covered in blue cheese, cheddar cheese and bacon? Why does my body possibly need these things??

It doesn't.

These are cravings in my mind and in my emotions, but most definitely not in my body.

But they feel the same. It really feels like my body wants these things. I feel it all over. My head tells me. My stomach tells me. My heart tells me.

I heard Dr. Oz say this week that we get cravings for only 10 minutes at a time and all we have to do is (drink water first) ride out those 10 minutes doing something else (distraction) for the craving to pass and then we'll be okay. What?! My cravings last for days! Sometimes weeks. What's up with that?

And while I'm "satisfying" these cravings (by eating all these bad things), I feel vindicated, comforted, and completely satisfied. Even afterwards I usually don't feel bad about eating them. I usually feel like I've just set through a productive therapy session or a deep conversation with a friend who has helped me work out my issues. I rarely feel guilty for giving into these cravings.

Now, sometimes my stomach makes me feel "guilty" by tossing and turning after I've eaten these bad things (like it feels right now because I just finished a half a brick of cream cheese and half a bag of Ruffles).

Its weird, because sometimes I do great when these cravings hit and sometimes (like now) I don't handle them well at all. The problem is, the times that I don't handle them well usually set me back anywhere from 2 to 10 lbs and then I'm right back where I was a year ago.

I'm so mad I could scream!!

I am now at the exact ... same ... weight as I was on September 20, 2008!!!

I know... take this one day at a time, Cara. I can't keep looking back. I know. I have to get a grip. I just want to throw in the towel and surrender to this whole weigh loss thing.

If it wasn't for how disgusted I am with the fat rolls lazing around my waist and drooping on the under side of my arms between my elbows and armpits, I swear, I'd give up and raise the white flag! But it makes me so much more mad that I have to carry around these extra fat rolls.

And what also makes me mad is the extra skin hanging around. I really think I'd be 10 lbs lighter if I didn't have all this extra skin hanging on me. I can't (won't) get surgery to get rid of it so I'm just stuck with it, I guess. I would have thought that after almost 3 years the skin would have gone back, but it hasn't so I suppose it never will.

Can you tell I'm just stinking frustrated!?!?

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From Weight Watchers to McDonalds...

I did something yesterday morning that really proved a point. To myself. You remember a few weeks ago when I went all out and ate a fattening ribeye with onion rings and a loaded baked potato and then paid for it majorly by almost throwing up afterward? (Blog post: "One huge moment of humiliation...") Well, along those same lines, I splurged a little just after Weight Watchers yesterday morning and something weird happened. Something that's never happened before.

OK, first of all, I have to say, what sane person goes directly from Weight Watchers to the McDonald's drive in??!!! I mean, really! Didn't anything that happened over the previous half hour stick in my head at all???!! Seriously?!

I don't know why I did it. I could say because I was out of cereal at home. But then I had other things I could fix. I could have fixed an absolutely yummy roasted chicken and onion egg white omelet (I had one just the other morning and it was to DIE for!). Or I could have made 1 point pancakes. Or oatmeal. Etc., etc. But that was my excuse. So I called hubby and asked him if he wanted anything (love his heart, but he's my partner in crime).

So I got a sausage and cheese biscuit with a hashbrown. I like to put the hashbrown in the sandwich and eat it all together. I took my first bite and OH MAN was it heavenly. "Mmmmmm," I said out loud. It's been a couple of years since I've eaten at McDonalds and longer than that since I've had a sausage biscuit, which, by the way, used to be my most favoritist breakfast on the planet (when I was fat).

My second bite was just as good as the 1st. Oh, Man!

Then I turned to hubby and said "A little greasy, huh?". He agreed. My fingers were covered in grease, or I guess butter from the biscuit. I was thoroughly enjoying it, though.

I made it half way through the sandwich and I had to stop and take a drink of water. My stomach started flipping around a little bit. The water helped, though, so I kept at it.

So I'm at about three quarters of the way through the breakfast sandwich, now, and my stomach really starts tossing and turning. Its the weirdest thing. I've never had the sensation of thoroughly enjoying the taste of something while simultaneously having feelings of "tossing my cookies". But, darn it!, I was determined to finish it.

I tried thinking of other things and drinking lots of water. But with each bite I took, I kept getting sicker and sicker. What the heck!?

I finally got down to where I had 2 bites left and I stopped and took a breath. Took a drink. And took one more bite. Then it happened. I had a gag reflex while that 2nd to last bite was in my mouth.

What!? Mind you, I was still thoroughly enjoying each and every bite. Each bite I took tasted far better than the bite before it. Seriously!

I stopped. Looked at that last bite. Took a huge swallow to get the food that was in my mouth down. Then I looked at that last bite one more time. I couldn't do it. I honestly think that if I ate that last bite, I would have hurled right then and there. It was that bad.

I threw that last piece down on the greasy wrapper, which then rolled off the paper and down onto the floor. I had to bend over and pick it up, which was even worse on my stomach. The extra pressure on my stomach did nothing to stop the gag reflexes from coming. But I picked up that last piece, shoved it into the wrapper, balled the wrapper up and ran to the trash can to throw it away. I grabbed some more water. Didn't help much. So I grabbed the Tums. I stood there over the sink chewing the tums hoping my food would stay down long enough for the Tums to make it down. I never wanted food to stay down so bad in my life. I kept imagining that greasy food coming back out and it was a horrible thought.

I took deep breath after deep breath and tried to calm myself down.

That worked. The Tums made it down. The horrible feelings passed. The food stayed down.

Why the heck did I do that to myself? I mean, a logical person would have stopped eating the minute they started feeling queasy, right? But then a sane person wouldn't have stopped by McDonalds after a WW meeting either, would they?

I just wanted that food so bad.

I think for the most part, I'm able to keep my food cravings under control. But every once in a while it gets the better of me. And yesterday morning, it sure got the better of me.

For the rest of the day, I did fine. I ate sensible and on plan. And the good part is I only gained a half a pound from that morning fiasco.

I'm hoping with my good behavior today and my extra running that I did this morning that tomorrow morning I'll be back at the weight I was yesterday morning (during weigh in).

Oh, and some great news (to follow that fiasco). I ran 6 miles this morning. Non stop. No over exerting. Piece of cake! That's a 10K. I just ran it around my neighborhood. My heart rate was still a little high for the first few miles (between 165 and 175) but after the 3rd mile, it started edging its way down. By mile 4, I was down to 160. By mile 5, I was down to 150. And by the time I finished the 6th mile, I was hovering around 143. Saweet!!

But the best part was that during the entire run, from my first step to the last, I was so calm and comfortable. Though my heart was running a race, the rest of my body wasn't. I ran with my mouth closed for I'd say 90% of the run just because I didn't need to breath through my mouth. Breathing through my nose was more than enough air for me. I couldn't believe it. And I can't wait to go running again.

I think I might be turning into a runner after all.

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The day after the big pastry debacle...

You know, I've been reading and rereading your comments from my last post and you guys came up with some good ones. There were even a couple of good ones on my Facebook post, too. It's made me dig deep to try to figure out what caused the pastry incident. Hmm. This is what I've come up with...

I think the main reason I hid in my car was because I knew I was overdoing it. I'd already eaten very badly at the steak house. Then the HUGE (seriously, it was HUGE) cupcake and I knew if I brought more fattening food into the house, I would feel like a complete and total pig. So I guess I figured that if I hid, eating it in the car, that I wouldn't be a pig. Right? If no one saw me eat, then no harm. Right?

Also, you remember seeing the cartoons of the character who'd get a whiff of something yummy and then they'd float in the air sniffing the smell until they floated right to the source of the good food? That's kinda how it was when I walked into the grocery store and immediately headed for the bakery. I felt so powerless, but completely in control at the same time. Just like Beth said, "Even as I'm doing it, I don't understand why. It's such a powerless, yet driven feeling." The HUGE cupcake just didn't do the trick. I was still craving something sweet. Or maybe the cupcake was just whetting my appetite. I haven't been eating a lot of sugar lately, so maybe I got a good heaping taste of it and just wanted more. But whatever the reason for heading to the bakery and buying the pastry was way too overwhelming.

So last night, I had to go to the grocery store again. (Deep breath.) I went to a different store this time. I didn't want to tempt fate. The whole time driving there I kept saying over and over in my head "don't lose it Cara, stay in control". When I got there, I accidentally entered through the deli and bakery area. (I swear it was not on purpose.) And then I walked around the bakery isles looking at all the goodies. I wanted so badly to choose something delectable. Like, HAVE I NOT LEARNED ANYTHING?!? I kept going over the shame and tears from the night before as I looked at those yummies. No, I would not partake. I did not.

It was the hardest thing, I tell you, but I did not buy anything sweet and bad for me.

So today, on the way home from work, I had to stop at the grocery store yet again (I swear, I keep forgetting things that I need—I'm NOT doing this on purpose). So I made a list before I left work. Check it out:























You like how I added it to my list?? That way I wouldn't even be tempted. And guess what, I wasn't. Yay!

I finally found the French Twists I told you about earlier. After I bought my first tub, they quit selling them. One of my trips to the grocery store this past weekend I asked the manager if she could order them. She did. And today they were in the store. I think these should be a good substitute for the full out bad for me pastries. I do love them so. And I can only eat one at a time. So I'm good for now.

As for the future, like Rebecca (screwdestiny) said, "next time, confront the craving and don't hide behind it." When the next craving comes, confront it. If it's something I have to give into, that's fine, as long as it's within moderation. And by all means, don't hide behind it.

Don't forget to enter my Measure Up Bowls Giveaway contest. See the rules here. Contest ends Nov. 15th.

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Cheaters Never Win!

Hi, my name is Cara and I'm a food addict.

...

I'm tempted to leave my blog post with just those 10 words because that about sums up my life right now.

Of course, you can tell, I haven't posted since July 20th. Let's see. On July 20th, I was 2/10ths of a pound away from my momentous 100 pound loss. That was the day I used my first EVER "no-weigh-in-pass". What a stupid invention.

Don't get me wrong, I can totally appreciate their intentions when they decided to come up with the concept. There are those weeks when we just can't face the scale being up. But for me, I see it as a way that I can cheat myself and deny the truth. The truth is, I'm up. No denying it. It is what it is. But when I allowed myself to use that first NWI pass, that was when I told myself it was okay to be up. I mean it was just a few pounds, right? What's a few pounds? Not much in the grander scheme of things. That's for sure.

But for me, those few pounds meant alot. It meant I had this eating thing under control. I'd learned how I could only be up a few pounds. I used, or rather manipulated, the system to my advantage. I learned how I could "be on plan" and eat what I wanted at the same time. I embraced that saying "You're only one meal away from being back on plan."

For me, every day was one meal away from being on plan. I would eat my points for breakfast but then eat whatever I wanted for lunch and then for dinner be back on plan. Or maybe it would be starting off with a horrible breakfast but then eating on plan for the rest of the day.

The problem was, every day I was allowing myself to go off plan and then telling myself it was okay because I would get right back on plan with that next meal... every day.

There's a flaw in there somewhere (she says sarcastically). I was allowing myself to eat what I wanted and covered it all up with "I'm still on plan". Because I was.

Now here I sit, 9 pounds over my "spectacular" 100 pound loss. I'm now back to September of last year's weight. September 2008! I've now, officially waisted an entire year of weight loss efforts. I've gained and lost the same 10 pounds for a solid year now. Every day, sacrificing and contemplating and lamenting. Over and over again. And I've flushed almost $500 of WW dues straight down the drain.

Who's to blame?

How did this happened?

Easy answers. I'm to blame. I've figured out how to cheat the system and get what I want out of it. What do I want? To eat what I want. This will always be my problem. I'm addicted to food. I love it. I cherish it. I dream about it. My every waking thought is about food. There's no denying it. There's no way around it.

It's like telling an alcoholic "I know you're addicted, but here, drink this one small glass of liquor in the morning before you go to work, once again at lunch time and another glass for dinner. But you can't have any more than just that one small glass. And you HAVE to drink it. You don't have a choice. You just have to NOT drink more than that one glass of alcohol."

That's how I feel.

And I have to live with that.

So...

Today starts my road to recovery. Being as I can't abstain from my addiction, I have to learn to coexist with it and learn to keep it under control. Hardest thing of my life. But I have to. I don't have a choice.

Accountability is the only thing that will save me from this addiction. If I don't account for my eating and exercise habits here, I'll continue to keep cheating the system in secret and never lose another pound for as long as I live. So I need to commit myself to blogging again. Regularly. I will commit to blogging every other day. I know, that's an awful steep goal when I haven't blogged in a month and a half. But it's the only way is see to start losing again.

I'm starting right now. Right here. Today.

Today I will commit to eating on plan. And tomorrow I will commit to going on a bike ride in the morning. I'll let you know how all this went on Monday.

I could really use some encouragement right now. Please tell me you guys are still out there. You haven't given up on me have you? Are you still there? Help me get through this.

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I'm trying to be the biggest loser...

Okay, so finally the scale is dropping a bit. I’ve been really obsessing over everything that goes in my mouth this week. I hate doing this, but it’s the only way for now. It’s going to drive me crazy soon enough, I know it is. I’m down almost 2 pounds since Saturday. Not great, but at least it’s going down.

I am finding that my portions are a little on the large side. Not much. Maybe 10% more than they should be. But I think it’s what’s been causing me to not lose over the past few months. At least I sure hope that’s what it is. I’m measuring EVERYTHING now. Just like I first started WW.

I went for a bike ride this morning. Went 10.5 miles. Did it in an hour. Not bad. Not great, but not bad. Earned 8 activity points. Sweet!!

I went walking tonight with my WW walking team. I was afraid it was going to rain, but not a drop in sight. We met at a state park at 7:15 and the park closed at sunset. I was afraid we'd get done walking and come back and our cars would be locked in the park over night. Whew! We got back in plenty of time. Earned another 3 APs. So far, I'm up to 28 APs for the week. Woo hoo!

How about Biggest Loser last night??!! I’m probably in the minority, but I LOVED that Helen won. She started out almost as heavy as I was when I first started WW and she’s my age and she looked amazing! Well, a little on the thin side, but she still looked great. And Jerry!!! Wow!!! 68 years old!!??? And he lost 177 pounds!?! Man, he puts me to shame!

I’ve been having the worst cravings lately. I usually get this way when I’ve been “real strict” for a long period of time. And I have been. Now I’m just trying to push through it without caving in. I know I’m going to, though. I’m craving anything under the sun. Egg salad. Donuts. Chips n dip. Cupcakes. Cake of any kind. Heck, anything with icing on it! Ice cream (which I usually hate). Popcorn. Oh my gosh! I want some popcorn so bad! Bacon. Steak. Anything with gobs of cheese on it or in it. Baked potato loaded with sour cream, cheese and bacon. Okay, I’ll stop. I could go on and on but I won’t. And I know giving myself a “little” taste won’t do it. It’s all or nothing when these cravings sink in. Suffice it to say, I’ve got it bad. Lets just hope I don’t cave.

Check this out. I re-watched the Biggest Loser during lunch and wrote down all their weights and percentages. I know, I'm obsessed, what can I say. But if you're interested, here's the order of winners:

Helen - Winner!!!
Starting Weight: 257
Current Weight: 117
Total Pounds Lost: 140
54.47% of weight loss



Mike - was only 5 pounds away from winning
Starting Weight: 388
Current Weight: 181
Total Pounds Lost: 207
53.35% of weight loss



Tara - was only 6 pounds away from winning
Starting Weight: 294
Current Weight: 139
Total Pounds Lost: 155
47.28% of weight loss




At Home Contestants:

Jerry - Wow! Amazing!!!
Starting Weight: 369
Current Weight: 192
Total Pounds Lost: 177
47.97% of weight loss



Kristin - So glad she came in 2nd
Starting Weight: 360
Current Weight: 193
Total Pounds Lost: 167
46.39% of weight loss



Nicole - Was so surprised she came in 3rd. Go girl!!
Starting Weight: 269
Current Weight: 146
Total Pounds Lost: 123
45.72% of weight loss



Ron
Starting Weight: 430
Current Weight: 238
Total Pounds Lost: 192
44.65% of weight loss



Sione
Starting Weight: 372
Current Weight: 226
Total Pounds Lost: 146
39.25% of weight loss



Dane
Starting Weight: 412
Current Weight: 258
Total Pounds Lost: 154
37.38% of weight loss



Filipe
Starting Weight: 364
Current Weight: 229
Total Pounds Lost: 135
37.09% of weight loss



Damien
Starting Weight: 381
Current Weight: 245
Total Pounds Lost: 136
35.7% of weight loss



Mandi
Starting Weight: 263
Current Weight: 171
Total Pounds Lost: 92
34.98% of weight loss



Estella
Starting Weight: 249
Current Weight: 159
Total Pounds Lost: 83
34.3% of weight loss



Carla
Starting Weight: 379
Current Weight: 251
Total Pounds Lost: 128
33.77% of weight loss



Shanon
Starting Weight: 283
Current Weight: 191
Total Pounds Lost: 92
32.51% of weight loss



Cathy
Starting Weight: 293
Current Weight: 198
Total Pounds Lost: 95
32.42% of weight loss



Blaine
Starting Weight: 365
Current Weight: 249
Total Pounds Lost: 116
31.78% of weight loss



Daniel
Starting Weight: 454
Current Weight: 312
Total Pounds Lost: 142
31.28% of weight loss



Laura
Starting Weight: 285
Current Weight: 199
Total Pounds Lost: 86
30.18% of weight loss



Joelle
Starting Weight: 309
Current Weight: 229
Total Pounds Lost: 80
25.89% of weight loss



Aubrey - I'm so bummed about her. She was my fav. Tough break.
Starting Weight: 249
Current Weight: 194
Total Pounds Lost: 55
22.09% of weight loss



David
Starting Weight: 393
Current Weight: 350
Total Pounds Lost: 43
10.94% of weight loss

Attach if the killer food smells...

So yesterday morning, just before lunch, I was sitting there minding my own business at work when all of the sudden I was clobbered over the head with this luscious smell coming from the cube just next to mine. I had no idea what it was, but oh man did it smell wonderful!

So I started getting hungry.

I had a banana. But that didn't satisfy the cravings that had now sat in. It smelled like pot roast with gravy.

Well, by the time I made it home, I was ravenous. Mind you, I probably wasn't even hungry, but that was beside the point. I wanted to eat everything in the house.

I sat down to my turkey wrap (which, by the way I absolutely adore!) and a cup of yellow squash & onions I made the other day (see, I'm thinking ahead, planning my menus days in advance to I make sure to eat healthy).

That wasn't enough.

I fried an egg (in bacon grease, mind you).

Very tasty, but that didn't do the trick.

I drank half a bottle of water, but nothing doing, I was craving something, anything, as long as it was food.

I went to the cupboard and you know what I found?? Doritos!! Doh!!

We splurged a little this past weekend and had taco salad for dinner one night so there were Doritos left over. I grabbed the bag and plopped down on the couch and went to town on it.

My finger tips were covered in Doritos dust. It made me think of that commercial on tv where the lights go out and these two people sitting on the couch snacking on a bowl of some sort of cheesy crackers or chips look at each other as their fingers and mouth glow in the dark from the bright orange residue of the cheesy crackers. I swear, if the lights had out just then, you'd see me glowing with Doritos dust.

I went to town on the bag until maybe 50 chips were gone. Double-handed eating, too.

Then I stopped and started getting a little queasy. I think the turkey, mustard, lettuce, yellow squash & onions, fried egg and Doritos were at war with each other in my stomach (I don't know why).

I put the bag down and went and washed my hands and face. I put the bag back in the cupboard and walked away like nothing had happened. No one was here after all. No one saw it. Back to an old habit I had when I was a hundred pounds heavier. Some things will just plain haunt me my whole entire life.

Then last night for dinner, hubby wanted to go to the neighborhood deli. We get a 30% discount there so I was game. They have lots of healthy things to eat there, so I was covered.

Hubby got there first (I was stuck at work as usual) so he got to the restaurant first. When I finally got there, I sat down and he said "oh, no, I didn't know you were going to be here so soon, I ordered some potato skins to munch on until you got here".

Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

Potato skins with gobs of cheese and real bacon bits with tons of sour cream is one of my favorite appetizers--ever!

(I ordered orange-chicken salad with fresh veggies and a salad.)

I am so proud of myself. When the potato skins got to the table, I did not eat one of them. I didn't even pick at the tops of one of them to eat a bacon chip or anything. It was extremely difficult, but I resisted throughout the entire meal. Yes, there was one left on the plate and it sat there through the entire meal until hubby finally at it as "dessert".

So today just before lunch time I smell that heavenly smell again. I reached for my banana but then it hit me. That smell is what made me go crazy at lunch yesterday. It set me up for failure. It made me crave food--any food.

So I remembered that they'd sent a memo around about a month ago asking people to not eat at their desks (for this very reason). So I walked over and very kindly ask her to not eat food like that at her desk. I explained what the smell does to me and how it effected me yesterday. She totally understood and covered it up immediately. The smell went away and I did fine at lunch today.

Turkey wrap and squash & onions.

Whew. Disaster averted.


P.S. The food she was eating was home made lentil soup. I don't know how I got pot roast out of that, but that's what it smelled like to me. :]

What a wonderfully fatty week...

I H-A-D S-O M-U-C-H F-U-N T-H-I-S W-E-E-K!!!

I think I ate my weight in food!

I haven't done this since before WW (19 1/2 months ago)!

What a blast!

I gained 8.4 pounds at WI this morning.

That's 8.4 pounds in ONE WEEK!

I have NEVER gained this much in one week before! The most I've ever gained in one week was back in June when I gained 3.4 pounds.

Last Saturday, I gained 1.8 pounds from eating sensibly but not exercising. But this past week, no exercise AT ALL and I ate WHATEVER I wanted.

So that's a total of 10.2 pounds in 2 weeks!

I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

It started on Saturday when I had:

• Cheeseburger and Seasoned french fries dipped in ranch dressing for lunch (I can't remember what I ate for dinner and I did not journal any of my food this week)
  

...and it went down hill from there.

On Sunday, I had:

• Several Brown Sugar Cookies
• Half a family sized box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
• A cheese egg white omelet with veggies, oatmeal and cranberry muffin with tons of real butter and coffee with tons of real half and half (can't remember dinner)
  
• Dessert at midnight: huge piece of cheesecake covered in hot fudge sauce topped with a whole brownie chopped up and sprinkled on top with maybe a quarter cup of white chocolate chips with a side of chocolate ice cream (Denny's Brownie Cheesecake)
  

On Monday, I had:

• Sensible egg white omelet with veggies and goat cheese for breakfast
  
• Kielbasa sausage with tons of sauteed onions and green peppers loaded with shredded cheddar cheese (not reduced fat) and some sauerkraut
  
• A huge peanut butter sandwich with like maybe 4 or 5 tablespoons of peanut butter, gooped with gobs of honey and cinnamon and sugar

On Tuesday, I had:

• Sensible steel cut oatmeal with flaxseed, honey, splenda, cinnamon and soy milk for breakfast
  
• The same peanut butter sandwich for lunch
• Center cut pork chops (fat not trimmed), pan seared then baked in the oven with stuffing (whole grain) until cooked through with corn and peppers (and butter) on the side
  

On Wednesday, I had:

• Sensible steel cut oatmeal with flaxseed, honey, splenda, cinnamon and soy milk for breakfast
• Half a box (regular sized box) of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (whole grain again)
• Home made spaghetti sauce with real spaghetti noodles, real fattening ground beef and tons of Parmesan cheese on top
• About 8 homemade oatmeal cinnamon cookies (my own concoction of oatmeal cookies made with cinnamon, ground cloves and nutmeg (gave it a pumpkin pie spice flavor to it) with a bag of Hershey's Cinnamon Chips. Oh, man were those things heavenly!

On Christmas, I had:

• Scrambled eggs with real cheese
• O'Brien potatoes cooked in real butter and oil and topped with real cheddar cheese
• Real bacon
• Wheat toast (2 slices) with real butter
• Then for dinner, turkey, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, corn, Brussels sprouts, biscuits with butter, stuffing and gravy.
• For dessert, a piece of real pumpkin pie with loads of whipped cream
• Throughout the day, I munched on "Mock Turtle Pretzel" candies my mom-in-law made: put pretzels on a cookie sheet and top each one with a rollo and a half a pecan and put in oven until melted. Each one was 1 point. I probably had 15 of them.
• And more of the oatmeal cinnamon cookies

After dinner, I realized that I'd left the broccoli casserole (broccoli, cream of mushroom soup and Velveeta cheese melted altogether) in the microwave. So I had a couple of servings of that after my dinner settled.

On Friday, I had:

• Denny's Heartland Scramble. Listen to what's in it: "Two eggs scrambled with chopped bacon, country-fried potatoes, green peppers and onions, and topped with Cheddar cheese. Served with two strips of bacon, two sausage links, hash browns and two fluffy buttermilk pancakes." I got cheese on the hashbrowns and substituted the pancakes for grits but got some of their new pancake balls—they're little balls of pancake rolled in cinnamon sugar and served with syrup to dunk in.
• Then for dinner a HUGE plate of left over spaghetti
• And afterwards, after to coma started to set in, I had 2 more helpings of broccoli casserole, one more helping of sweet potato casserole and about 15 chocolate chip cookies.

Can you believe I ate all that stuff?!

I enjoyed every single bite of every bit of it!

I have absolutely NO regrets. I earned those 8.4 pounds!

The good news is, I'm back on plan. I'm counting my points today and back to exercising already. Getting ready to go for a walk soon.

It's behind me now. And I know it'll probably take me months to get these extra 10 pounds back off. But it was so worth it. I ate like I used to eat before WW and loved every minute of it. I never felt guilty for one bite.

Is that sad?

I weigh, now, what I weighed back on August 2nd. So sad!

I have no desire to cheat any more, though, I wonder why? :D

.

Is this emotional reaction to food really worth it?

I was reading Mary Fran's blog day before yesterday and it got me to thinking. She was talking about how she'd started on a downward spiral a year ago at a Christmas party. And she mentioned how she didn't really crave the sweets but once she started eating them, she couldn't stop. I started thinking about how the sugar we eats really effects our brain. I mean in a scientific way.

I know that our brains use sugar (glucose), as do other essential organs all over our bodies, to regulate it's functions and maintain normalcy. Well, it would only make sense that if we get too much sugar, it'll effect our brains. If nothing else, it'll trigger an emotional response to the sugar overload. I know not enough sugar (like after you've worked out really hard and you're dehydrated) will make you sleepy because your brain is being deprived of sugar. So, in turn, too much sugar has the opposite effect by making us hyper and excited. That, my friend, is an emotion. To be excited about something can elicit feelings of euphoria and pleasure. It's like, the more sugar, the better we feel, the happier we are—emotionally.

Then in the car, I heard a story on NPR (my favorite station on the planet!) about a listener who called in about her comfort food (they were having a segment about our comfort foods). When she was a child, her mother bought some sweetened condensed milk one time and she tried it and said it tasted like a little drop of heaven. She immediately wanted more. Her mother was sensible and told her, no, she could only have one teaspoon a day. So her mother set the can of condensed milk up on top of her wardrobe and there it sat starring at her as she laid in bed. She couldn't wait to have more. Now, as an adult, whenever something wonderful happens where she wants to reward herself, she gets a can of condensed milk.

That sounds like a perfectly normal response to me. She associated the sweet milk with a pleasurable emotion she had as a child. She would dream about that milk. Couldn't wait for her next taste. She had built a pleasurable emotion around that milk. That milk made her so happy.

And finally, I got my new Cooks Country magazine today and on the first page is the letter from the editor (Christopher Kimball) where he talks about how his strongest memories are built on taste. "Drinking grape soda in the front seat of a green Ford pickup ... Or the taste of penny candies purchased at the Weston Country Store ... Watermelon slices, Root beer Barrels, Long strings of red and black licorice..." etc., he went on a bit further. But then after describing all of these wonderful taste sensations he had growing up, he started talking about how when we were kids, we didn't have to describe the experience of eating these wonderful things and he continued, "... that is the difference between pure, unadulterated joy and pleasure. One is ecstatic: the other is controlled. One is pure out-of-body happiness: the other is self-observed. In joy, one is overwhelmed by the senses, not merely tempted. It is what food promises but rarely delivers. ... That's why good cooks are often children at heart, easily swayed by a finger dipped into chocolate batter, their hearts open to the unexpected. We know that at any moment, we may once again fall in love with the juiciness of a peach, the flakiness of a pie pastry. We are like old lovers who continually rediscover the beauty of each other in a glance, in a thought, in a happenstance."

Wow. That is quite an observance! The "joy" of eating is one that overwhelms our sense, not just tempts us. And I love his line "it is what food promises but rarely delivers". And how he compares these joyful experiences we have with food to a love relationship. "continually rediscover[ing] the beauty of each other". It reinforces my thought about how food can really be addicting. I mean, not only do we need food to survive, but the "good" food messes with our heads. Doesn't it?

The same point was coming from two completely different people talking about two completely different experiences in life but yet their point is identical.

Why is it the most basic thing in life, besides breathing and sleeping, has, at its core, the ability to elicit such emotions from us. Come on! We need to eat! We don't have a choice. It's not like we can quit, like quitting smoking or drinking. We can't avoid it. It's there whether we like it or acknowledge it or not. And it can make us feel so good. Even the most die-hard health experts will tell you that if you eat a balanced diet of high proteins, low carbs, high fiber and low sugars and fats, you'll feel so much better. Your body will thank you for the healthy nourishment. So everyone agrees that food directly effects the way you feel and your emotional well-being.

I think, for those of us who have such a struggle with these decadent foods that give us this emotional high, we have an extra task in life to recognize which foods will give us that feeling of pleasure and that longing for a loved one, and realize that these feelings we seek from eating them are purely scientific and mechanical. Sugar=pleasure. Pleasure=indulgences. Indulgences=Danger Zone. Once we step into that danger zone, we have to realize, first, that we are there, then, second, take a look around and realize why we feel so good after eating that piece of cake, then, third, make a conscious decision to stop at that one bite or that one piece because we know that the effects of pleasure derived from it are not related to our well being but rather a false emotional stimulus that will be gone as soon as the sugar wears off. I think if we can put ourselves into that frame of mind whenever we're in that situation, we'll be much more equipped to take control and not give in to what that sense of pleasure and all it brings with it.

That being said, I'm still gonna want a piece of cake and I'm still gonna eat that piece of cake. But I have to assess that "euphoric" feeling I get when I first bite into it and realize that it's not going to "make things all better". That feeling is temporary. And if I can keep that in the front of my head, I'll be less likely to go back for that 2nd or 3rd piece of cake, solely based on how it makes me feel. If I can just keep the science of it all in my head, I can beat it.

I'm equipping myself to resist the sweets this week. How about you? Will you try and do this with me. This is the perfect week to try this. I'm not going to refrain from indulging. Come on, it's Christmas! But I'm going to stop and access my emotions after I have a bite or two and realize it's my body's chemical response that's making me feel wonderful and that if I eat the rest of it or more of it, it's not going to satisfy anything!

Think chemical. Think scientific. Resist overindulging this week.

.

It was a sad day yesterday...

This is how deeply food is connected to my emotional soul...

Yesterday, I had a fairly rough day—emotionally. I'm not sure why. I'm not PMS'ing. I'm not going through anything horrible at work or at home. I'm not one who get's down at the holidays. So I don't really know why, but all day yesterday I wanted to cry. I was afraid. I was irritated and very short tempered. Yet nothing "happened" to cause it.

I called hubby because usually he can calm me down. Just the sound of his reassuring words makes me feel safe again. The world starts spinning again with his words.

So his words were helpful yesterday, but for some reason, they didn't do the trick.

Here's where the trouble started...

I had to walk over to Editorial to talk with one of the editors and when I was finished, I was walking out of the office when something caught the corner of my eye on one of the desks.

It was a box from Krispy Kreme.

Actually, two.

Me and Krispy Kreme go way back. KK has been my favorite donut, no, my favorite food on the planet ever since I was a kid. The taste of those tender, hot, smooth and creamy donuts is like little drops of heaven on my tongue. Their smell is so sweet, it smells like I'm breathing in heaven's air into my nostrals. My long-time love affair with Krispy Kreme has been one that I've dedicated alot of devotion and heart to. Krispy Kreme is my hero.

So as I walked by those two boxes (yes, I said walked by, I actually walked right past them), I could see the light emitting from the edges of the boxes and lighting up the whole room like rays of sunshine from the sides of a cloud just after a rain storm. And I swear I heard music. Angelic music playing low. Violins and harps playing a wonderous song—I swear!

The sound and the light disapated slightly while I walked past it and I thought to myself 'self, keep walking, you can do this, be strong'.

And I did keep walking.

Right into a lady who has been on WW before and knows exactly what I'm going through. I thought, this is perfect, she can help me past this weak moment and help me resist these tiny tidbits of heaven who were still calling to me, yes I could still hear the heavenly music playing in the distant.

So I stopped and said "can I have a Krispy Kreme?" in the most innocent voice I could muster. Of course she said yes right away. That's what you're supposed to say, right? But then she stopped and she said "wait, is that what you want me to say?". Perfect. She knew why I was standing at her desk (actually, I was kneeling like I was purposing to her, but I was actually on my knees begging—oh the shame).

We talked for a minute about how these are my favorite foods in the whole world and how I CAN NOT resist them.

We struck a deal. I promised I'd walk extra last night after dinner if I only ate one. But I could only have one and I would HAVE to walk extra.

The deal was struck, I ran back to those wonderous boxes and opened the first one—all glazed donuts. I opened the 2nd one and it had chocolate glazed and chocolate kreme filled donuts. All of which are delicious, but I'm a plain glazed gal.

I picked up a napkin and put one glazed Krispy Kreme donut on it then I cuped the napkin with that spectacular looking donut in the palm of my hands and lifted it to my nose to breath in the sweet necktar of heaven. Mmmmmmm.

I walked back to my desk, with Krispy Kreme donut cupped in my hands and layed it on my desk to just look at it for a few minutes.

About 10 minutes when by and I finally caved. I had a bite.

Oh my gosh was it the best tasting thing I've tasted in sooooooo long. The chips of sweet glaze the crumbled off onto my lips as my teeth sunk into the tender flesh of the donut. Oh, man!

I sat it back down and waited another 5 minutes before taking another bite.

This went on all afternoon. That donut lasted me about 45 minutes.

Then after the last bite, I scooped up the fallen glaze chips that were left in the napkin until every last morsel was gone.

Here's the sad part...

After that donut, I felt healed. I no longer wanted to cry. I had no more fear. I wasn't irritated any more. I felt complete.

Isn't that sad??

This is how deeply food is connected to the core of my emotional being. That something like a sweet, fatty donut could repair emotional damage like that.

Sad.

I did not go back for a 2nd donut.

One had done the repair that it needed to do.

My life was back to normal.

How sad.

.

Kicking habits left and right...

I was just reading Sunny Days' blog about habits she's kicked. Alot of her habits were also mine, though I've never been a big fan of bread (white or wheat). I can completely identify with the cheese-habit. Oh my gosh, cheese on just about anything makes it taste better!

Now the only cheese I'll have is hard cheese or goat cheese. Mostly hard cheese, but only maybe an ounce or two a day at the most. And always 2%. It's such a great source of protein and calcium. Sometimes I'll just have a big bowl of fresh fruit and a two 1-inch squares of sharp 2% cheddar cheese for dinner. Was a great balance of nutrients.

Another bad habit of mine was chips and cream cheese. I know this sounds weird, but a big bag of Ruffles potato chips with a brick of Philadelphia Cream Cheese (I have always preferred the 1/3 less fat, ever when I was almost 300 pounds). You take a chip, and slice a hunk of cream cheese off the block maybe an eighth of an inch thick. Oh, the combination of the smooth and creamy rich cream cheese with the salty and crunchy chips is divine!

I haven't had any since last summer. I have sure craved them from time to time. But I won't indulge. These used to be a bad habit of mine. I'd sometimes stop by the store on the way home for lunch and pick up a bag and a brick and they'd be gone before I got back to work.

And butter is another habit I had to kick. Butter makes everything taste better, doesn't it? Seriously. But now, my habit is butter spray or butter flavored oil spray. If I have butter, which is rare, it's in very small amounts.

I've kicked the ice cream habit, too. I used to have an ice cream bar every night after dinner. Well, maybe one or two. I just had to have something sweet after dinner. Now, not so much. Not even diet or "light" ice cream. I've found the more I have, of the diet stuff, the more I'll crave it. So no more. A sweet apple after dinner does the trick now.

I guess I've kicked alot of bad eating habits. Replaced them with healthy tendencies.

What about you? What habits have you kicked?

.

Who is this strange person...

I think there's something wrong with me...

I keep craving healthy food.

:|

Am I alright??



Since I've started eating clean, it's all I want to eat. I think it might be because I know the effects of the bad food on my body. I never knew that the simple foods we eat over and over can really be bad for our bodies.

I've learned how to listen to my body a lot better, now, too. I can feel the effects of healthy food on my body. I can feel how I stay fuller longer from the healthy stuff. I can also feel how bad I feel after eating unhealthy food.

Like the other night, I was in a rut and did not want to cook to save my life. I didn't want chicken either. So I had lasagna. The real stuff, too, not Lean Cuisine.

About a half hour afterward, I could feel my heart racing and and I felt flushed. My stomach was tossing and turning and I kept burping.

It was the effects of the sugary pasta and the fatty cheeses.

I felt so bad but there was nothing I could do. The damage was done. I just had to wait that one out. I went walking just afterward to try and "compensate" for the yucky stuff I ate, but it didn't help much. Sure it was a definite improvement from just sitting around and feeling sick to my stomach. But I don't think it burned much of that lasagna off. :)

The best part is that the more healthy food I eat the more I crave it.

If you'd have told me a year ago that I would be craving granola bars, I'd say you were completely out of your ever-lovin mind! But here I sit in the afternoons craving some Pumpkin Spice Flax granola bars. And, oh my gosh, I'm craving apples like all of the time!

Have I totally lost it?

Who is this girl??

She exercises all the time. Eats healthy. Feels great. Looks slimmer.

I barely recognize her in the mirror.

I can't wait for weigh in tomorrow morning. I hope last week wasn't a fluke. I hope I didn't gain it all back this week. Still no scales. Yippee!

.

i'm getting nervious about meeting my goal...

So yesterday's weigh in wasn't that spectacular, but at least I pulled a loss.

Only lost 2/10ths of a pound, but at least it was a loss. I was convinced I was going to gain 3 pounds after the mac & cheese and sausage & peppers fiasco's.

I did quite horrible yesterday, too, after weigh in. I had a food-free-for-all. I still can't believe all I ate. I'm so embarrased about it, I don't want to tell you what I ate. I really done. But I think that's what this whole blog is all about... being accountable. So it's my duty to disclose all the junk I ate. So here goes...

• Egg beater omlet with onions, pepper & tomatoes
• Wheat toast with real butter and orange preserves
• Oatmeal with brown sugar and raisins
• Cheese Fries: French fries drenched in cheese sauce and topped with melted grated cheese and bacon strips and tons of fattening ranch dressing
• Ruffles Chips (about half a bag) and a block of 1/3 less fat cream cheese and also about half a container of Heluva Good French onion sour cream dip
• Pillsbury Chocolate Chip cookies (about 10-12 of them)
• Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche ice cream (a small 6 ounce tub)

I have no idea how to count that many points. I don't even want to attempt. I'll just say that I killed all of my flex points for the week and call it done and behind me.

I ate very sensible today. Within my 22 daily points.

I did gain 2 pounds when I weighed myself, but I fully expected 5 pounds so I wasn't too upset by 2 pounds. I'm going to work out in over time this coming week. I have 5 pounds to lose in the next 3 weeks so I have to step it up. I really don't think it's going to happen, but I'm not going to stop trying.

I made Taco Soup tonight. I've been having pinto beans for lunch about every other day for the past couple of months because I read that pinto beans will lower your cholesterol by 20% if you have a cup every day. I don't have any problems with my cholesterol but I'm all for eating things that will help my body be more healthy. Anyways, so I got the recipe from my mom's blog who got it from JC's blog. I believe it's a WW recipe.

I was a little skeptical of it being only 1 point for a cup so I put it to the test. I looked at all of the labels from the cans and bags of ingredients and wrote down the calories, fat, fiber and sodium. I thought this might knock your socks off to see the totals: 1,740 calories, 5.5 grams fat, 64 grams of fiber, and 10,925 grams of sodium. Man that sounds like alot, huh? But it's not actually. :) Not after you divide the number of servings. I'm not sure if I did mine right because the recipe said it was 15 one-cup servings but I only got 11 one-cup servings. So mine was 2 points per serving. Still it's not bad. 2 points for a cup of soup is great. But the sodium... It ends up being 993 grams of sodium per serving. Yikes! It's so yummy, though.

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one day at a time...

Well, I didn't have any bad cravings today. I even went to Steak N Shake for lunch and I had a salad and was fine with it. I did sniff a little too much at the chili with cheese that passed under my nose and over to my daughter. But that was it, I looked at my salad and was perfectly content. It actually wasn't that bad. I didn't think it would take me all the way through the afternoon, salads never do. But this one had chicken and apples and nuts and cran-raisins and I made it all the way to 4 o'clock before I got hungry.

I didn't have anything to eat at my desk. I'd eaten my last Fiber One bar yesterday. We have vending machines at work, but they've got nothing but junk in them. Sure, they say there's healthy things in there, and technically there is, but they're all high in fat and sugar. So you'll never guess what I had to tie me over until dinner? ... a cupcake

My boss had brought in these adorable cupcakes she'd made at home. Vanilla with strawberry icing. They looked so pretty in pink. And they smelled so wonderful.

I didn't have anything else to eat, so I ate it.

It was yummy.

I ate it over the course of about a half hour, one little bite after another, savoring it.

But I did good for dinner, though, and now I'm not hungry. I don't think I'll want anything more for the evening, so I don't think the cupcake ruined my day. It was a pleasant little pick-me-up actually.

I'm still keeping the "food monsters" at bay. I haven't indulged in anything yet (other than the cupcake and that was just to keep me from passing out from hunger, you know). A friend from another blog said to me "Put yourself back in your shoes, 100 lbs ago. Was that girl honestly so happy eating whatever she wanted that you'd give up everything you've worked so hard for?". She's right, you know. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed in the mornings crying because my clothes (size 26/28) were too tight for me. I remember all of those horrible feelings. I remember being so embarrassed. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I don't ever, EVER, want to go back to that person. I won't. I just have to get past this hurdle.

I know it's all in my perspective. I do need to look at the food differently. Rather than "real" food, it really should be "bad" food. I just remember how good it all tasted and it's so hard for me to look at it as bad. But I know I must.

It won't be easy or fun, but I must keep going.

I'm afraid I've gained a pound this week. I put it on last Saturday after I had BBQ at Sonny's and I can't get it to come off. Gee, do you think not exercising one day this week might have caused that one pound to stay on??? I can't believe I've gone ALL week without exercising. Last week I was so good and even exercised twice on the weekend. I gotta get back there!

By the way, you guys should pop on over to Jenn's blog. She made lifetime last week! She started WW the week before I did. Of course, she had a LOT less to lose than I do. But I'm proud of her for sticking to it and succeeding! Tell her I said hi!

Look what accosted me at the grocery store on the way home today. You guys! I'm telling you! These things are haunting me where ever I go!!!!!

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It's still hard, but hopefully it'll get easier soon...

I want to thank you guys for all your encouraging comments yesterday. I need to hear things like that. I know this will all pass. I just have to make it past this hurdle. I'm still only 4 pounds away from the 100 pound mark and I'm not giving in to anything. No food will tempt me into jumping track and heading down a different route. I'm firmly grappled on these rails. I just wish I didn't see all those food bilboards flying by as I'm whizing down the track. And darn it when the train has to make a stop. I get so tempted to stop and get off for a short while. Sometimes I do. I always regret it, though, and right now I want to make an extended layover in Real Foodtown.

Eye on the prize. I know. I've come too far. It's just so darn hard and I'm tired of it being hard. But I have to keep focusing on the positive and the good things like you guys mentioned. Yes, I feel much better now. No, I don't ever want to be fat again. Yes, I know what that "real" food will do to my body if I eat it. I know I'll get sick. I know it'll make me unhealthy. So I just need to keep focusing in on these things and push through. And I'll be honest with you, as hard as this is, THERE IS NO WAY I'LL EVER DO THIS AGAIN. So that's motivation enough to lose it and keep it off for life, right?

I did had two wonderful things happen recently. Maybe verbalizing these will help me with my struggles.

#1, this is going to sound silly and if you want to laugh out loud, to right ahead. I was walking out to the car to go to lunch and all of the sudden I noticed something. I didn't hear my legs swishing up against each other as I walked. You know when you're wearing pantyhose and you hear that "swish, swish, swish, swish" and your inner thighs squishing together? Well, I don't know when it happened, but I can't hear them making any noise any more. How awesome is that? For me, that was always something I was so embarrassed about and absolutely hated, was the sound of my legs rubbing up against each other.

#2, I got my wedding rings resized. They haven't fit on my ring finger for over a year, now. I've been wearing them on whatever fingers they'd stay on as I lost weight. I figured since I'm only 30 pounds from goal that it was safe to get them resized because I probably won't lose much more in my fingers. So now I feel married again. What a wonderful feeling to look down and see my wedding band and engagement ring on the correct finger on the correct hand!

I am still having a hard time with this whole thing, though. I sat there this afternoon craving fried chicken. A friend from work asked if I could have "good" fried chicken. I thought about it and I could use bread crumbs and spray oil to make some "alternative" fried chicken. And maybe I'll do that, but it won't curb the craving, you know? I just have to take the cravings as they hit me over the head and pick them up and put them in the trash. Maybe visualizing that will help me get through this. Picture that... a piece of fried chicken just fell from the ceiling and hit me on the head... so instead of picking it up and going to town on it, I pick it up and trow it in the trash can then I take the trash out and go and wash my hands. Visualize it and it'll stop me from thinking about how appealing it all sounds. Or I could visualize me taking a big piece of packing tape and taping the piece of chicken to my hip, because that's where it would go if I ate it, right?

I'm trying. I really am.

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