I'm a "foodie"...

I've been thinking alot about food lately. I mean, a LOT.

I sit at work all day dreaming about food. I keep wondering what this or that would taste like. I'll even smell different types of food throughout the day that simply isn't there.

Like, I'll smell steak. Or Cheetos. Or cake. Or string cheese. ... Weird, huh?

And then I get home and think about food even more.

And being on this "diet" doesn't help matter much, because I always have to be thinking about (planning) what I'm going to eat next. And then once I've figured it out, I can't wait until I can eat it.

Remember when you were in school and class was over at 3:45 and it was 3:00 and it seemed like the clock had stopped? Every 2 seconds you'd be looking at the clock wondering why it wasn't moving any faster.

That's how I am all day long. I keep looking at the clock saying "is it time to eat yet?"

Food is all I can think of.

I even dream in food.

The other night I had a perfectly random dream that had absolutely nothing at all to do with food, but I'll be darned if the ground wasn't made of gum drops!

I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and I'll be normal if I can just stop obsessing over food.

But I can't get it out of my head.

Like just a few minutes ago I was thinking about what I ate last Saturday and planning what I was going to eat this coming Saturday. Random, huh?

One of the tools in Weight Watchers is to be prepared whenever you're heading into a social situation where you'll be eating at a restaurant. They say to either go online or stop by the restaurant before hand so you can see the menu and plan what you're going to eat so you won't be side swiped by all of the yumminess on them menu.

Well, I've been doing that my whole life! Nothing new there. We'd make a plan to go out to a particular restaurant and my mind would race over the imaginary menu in my head. What would I eat? Man! I'd have it all planned out WAY before I got to the restaurant.

So that was a "tool" I didn't have to worry about learning.

But now, I still do the same thing, but now I try to think of all the healthy things on the menu. That's a good thing, right? But I'm still doing the basic same thing, obsessing over food.

I swear, if you guys could see all of the food thoughts that go through my head all day long, every minute of the day, you'd be shocked. Not a minute goes by in my day that I'm not thinking about some sort of food.

So what do I do with that? How can I NOT obsess over food? How can I break my life-long habit of thinking about food my every waking moment?

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Weekend eating is gonna be my downfall...

So how did you guys do last week? Were you able to only eat when you were hungry? Or did the munchies win (again)?

I guess I'm doing pretty good when it comes to the boredom eating, but the weekends are still killing me.

Weekend before last, the 4th of July (LONG) weekend, really did me in. I ate and ate and ate. I couldn't stop myself. Well, actually, I didn't want to. I was completely in control and knew exactly what I was doing and loved every minute of it. Well, that is until I was done eating. Then I hated myself.

The worst was on Monday when we went to the Texas Roadhouse and I had cheese fries. On my way there, I was planning what I would eat. Cheese fries was not an option. I knew I'd already eaten WAY too much on Saturday and Sunday and I needed to get back in control. I even talked it over with hubby and we were both on the same page--no cheese fries!

Then... when it came time to order, I just blurted it out. Hubby said "what?" and then that loving "Cara...". I looked him straight in the eyes and said "it's okay, I know what I'm doing".

The worst part was how greasy they were. But did that stop me from eating them? No! When we were driving home afterwards I was so dern mad at myself! I felt so awful. My stomach, no, my heart, yes. I felt like I'd just betrayed myself.

I'm really hoping one of these days I'm going to be able to win the battle against the food. I love it so dearly and it makes me feel so special. 

Grated, I'm not NEARLY as bad about eating as I used to be. Man, to think of all the crap I would eat and the amount of it--regularly. I've come SUCH a long way since those days. But I still haven't won the battle entirely. What is it they say "you may have won the battle but you haven't won the war yet.". That's me.

I actually gained 5 whole pounds over the course of 3 small days.

I fought and fought and got all but 4/10ths of it off. Whew!

This past weekend I did a LOT better. I'm still up a couple of pounds but I'm sure they'll be off in the next day or two.

But on the flip side, I really did with not eating unless I was hungry. It's so darn hard in the evenings, isn't it?? Man!! It's like the munchies monster is there hiding behind the couch waiting for me to sit down. He lurks around the house, just waiting for me to slow down for a minute, then he pounces! AAAhhhh!!!

So how did you guys do?

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6 Pounds from Goal...

Here I sit... 6 pounds from goal.

6 pounds...

6 pounds might as well be 50. I can't believe the week I've had.

I've actually gained 5 pounds since last Saturday's weigh in. So technically, I'm 11 pounds from goal. What the heck!?

For no reason, I decided to have pizza Tuesday night. That wouldn't have been so bad, but I had 2 cheesy bread sticks and about 8 or 10 of those Hershey's Chocolate Dunkers from Pizza Hut. The picture says it all.


Then for another "no reason at all" we decided to splurge last night and went out for steak. We haven't been out to eat in SO long (other than the obligatory Saturday lunch with the in-laws) in forEVER.


Steak wouldn't have been all that bad if I didn't get the buttery mashed potatoes to go with it and the salad with chipotle ranch dressing and the cheese fries as an appetizer (of course, loaded with bacon and cheese and TONs of ranch dressing).


Why?


No reason in particular. I guess I was just feeling particularly self-destructive.


I've eaten sensible since then. But I think I've done too much damage to be repaired in time for Saturday morning's weigh in.


I don't get it. I know what to do and I just don't do it. And I take no pleasure in it whatsoever.


Does this ever happen to you? What do you guys do when you do this? Please help me get past this. I just want to be at goal. I've been 10 pounds away from goal since a year ago this month. Now that I'm getting so close, why is this happening. I just want to be done!

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A little happiness is nice once in a while...

I did real good yesterday. At Steak N Shake, I only had the hot dog with pico de galo (no chipotle sauce) with cottage cheese & pineapple and veggie soup. Yay!! I did it!!! I was tempted to get a hamburger or a milk shake. Was really tough not to do that, though. Hubby had a yummy hamburger and mother-in-law had a milk shake. But I resisted.

To be honest, it really wasn't that hard. Isn't it funny how sometimes the temptations are irresistible and overwhelming and then sometimes they're not. I'm so happy it wasn't that bad yesterday. I need temptations like that every once in a while.

For dinner, I had Subway. I'm telling you, I'm completely addicted to Subway. So funny, because just 6 or 8 months ago, it would still make me sick to my stomach. I wonder if when they started offering the 9 grain wheat bread, they changed their recipe a bit. It always felt like it was the bread that made me sick. But now, look out! I usually get either a turkey (no cheese) with TONS of veggies on the 9 grain (6 inch of course) or just veggies. I get the light mayo and yellow mustard on it, which is the icing on the cake. Their mayo is so yummy. I know it ads a point to the sandwich, but it's only 5 points for the turkey and 4 points for the veggie. So it's totally worth it!

Usually Saturdays include a huge splurge of some sort. But I didn't splurge.

Today, however, I did splurge, but just a little bit. I had a steak and cheese quesadilla for lunch. It was probably about 15 points, including the sour cream I had with it. It was so yummy, though. Then I had a churro for dessert—probably another 4 points. But I had a 6-point breakfast and only 2 points for dinner and I feel totally satisfied.

All in all, my weekend was pretty good and under control. I feel good. I like feeling good about my food choices. I've been out of control for so long. I'm starting to feel normal again.

I've been noticing over-weight people lately. I think this is helping with my motivation. Because I keep remembering what it was like for me when I was that big. I was miserable. I had no self-worth. I just wanted to hide from the world. Sure, the people who were closest to me were so great about it. They'd never say anything negative and they'd love me no matter what I looked like. Especially my husband, David. He's so supportive. You know after I'd lost a bunch of weight and I started looking good, he said how he always wanted me to lose weight so I could feel as good as I looked. He would never have said anything to me, though, because he loves me no matter what I look like. Proof positive of that was how he treated me—like a queen—when I was 275 pounds. I love him for that. But I know what he was talking about. I feel so much better now. So healthier. So happier. More energy. More happiness. It's been such a hard journey—the hardest thing I've EVER done in my life—but it's been totally worth every second.

I tell you one thing, though, I don't ever want to do this again! Once I lose this weight, I AM NOT gaining it back. No way I can do this again!

Are you with me?

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Weigh in... not exactly a drum roll moment...

Weigh in this morning... I broke even. No gain. No loss. :|

I guess that's better than a gain, right?! I was really expecting a gain, but not for what you think. I did exactly what I did last week but a little more. I ate the same number of points every day and counted my flex points (which were all used last weekend). But this week, I exercised every day. Okay, so walking the dog isn't really exercising, but it's more than I've been doing, right? That's gotta count! I moved more this past week, how's that?

But my daily scale weigh ins at home showed that I'd lost 8/10ths of a pound as of yesterday morning. Then this morning, I was up a whole pound from yesterday's weight. So I figured I was gonna gain when I got to WW. Don't know why the heck I gained a whole pound in one day of eating on points and moving more. Who knows.

But after my 4 pound loss last week, it's okay that I didn't lose this week. It'll all average out, right?

I'm enjoying walking in the mornings with Mocha (a.k.a. the chubby chihuahua). I'm only taking him for half hour walks to start with. I figured I'd do half hour blocks for the coming week as well, then the following week I can start walking with him longer. He hasn't been enjoying himself that much. Yesterday, he stopped after only 10 minutes out and like a stubborn mule, refused to budge another inch. With doggies, I always listen to their instincts. They can sense things that we can't. So we stopped (like I had a choice) and turned around. So we only walked for 20 minutes yesterday.

It's been so nice and cool in the mornings. I LOVE daylight savings in the fall!!

So my goals for the coming week are to focus in on every day, one-at-a-time. Today, my goal is to NOT eat like a pig. I might go over my points for today, but I'm not giving it as much effort as I did last weekend.

We're heading to Steak N Shake for lunch today. Ugh! Nothing healthy there. So I'm gonna go for small portions and reasonable choices. I'm thinking of their hot dog with pico de galo and a small fry and water. I don't know how much their hot dog is, but WW's says a regular hot dog is 7 points. Their small fries are 6 points, UGH! I really don't even like their fries. Maybe I should go for cottage cheese and pineapple instead. It's only 2 points. Yea! That's what I'll do!!

Smart choices. Keep that in the front of your head.

How about you guys? What are your goals for this week?

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No excuses... I'm gonna do it this time

My days have been going a little better lately. I've been comfortable with the itsy bitsy splurges I've been allowing myself. I don't want to restrict myself too much or I'll be right back where I was for the past month.

Last night we went to TJI Fridays because I had a buy-one-get-one-free entree coupon. I got their Shanghai Salad which was romaine and cabbage shreds with diced red peppers, celery, green onions, peanuts, and cilantro tossed in a barely-there ginger dressing and topped with Chinese noodles and 4 crispy pot stickers. Oh My Gosh was it delightful. It felt so light. And the pot stickers were the perfect accent. It helped me feel like I was eating a hearty meal but I really was just eating a light salad. It was a little on the spicy/zesty side so that was good too. Helped burn a few extra calories from my insides being on fire. :)

I'm really trying to stay focused on how I feel and not so much what I eat but I'm not sure how good it's going. I really need to switch my mentality from "ooo that tastes so good" to "that was so satisfying, and, oh, yea, it tasted good too". It's so hard though. It's like, I know what I need to do, and I know how to do it, but it's just so hard to actually do.

I haven't exercised since Sunday. I have a good excuse, though. Okay, first of all, I have no excuse for Monday morning. I was going to get up early and do a Jillian Michaels Shred workout. I set my alarm for 5:15, woke up, then went right back to bed. Lazy!

But Monday night I got up from the couch to walk into the bedroom and noticed my hip felt a little sore. I thought I just sat on it wrong or something. Then I took a few more steps and the pain stabbed me in the hip. I have no idea what could have happened while I was sitting vegging out on my couch, but it did it to me good. I couldn't sleep Monday night because no matter how I laid, my hip hurt SO bad. Then walking around all day yesterday was not fun at all. I wore flats to work and couldn't take the day off because it's the day before proofs (the day when all the editors pour over all the pages in the magazine go give them one final approval) and had WAY to much to do to get ready for today.

So I hobbled my way through Tuesday and Tuesday night was about the same. I felt like a cripple. Excruciating pain whether I sat still or stood or walked around.

Then this morning I woke up healed.

Weird.

Yea, weird.

So that's my excuse for not exercising yesterday or today. And I'm sticking to that excuse for all I can use it for. :)

So tomorrow morning I have no excuse. I will commit, right here and right now, to getting up and doing a Shred workout.

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Live for now...

Okay, so I fell off the wagon last night and this morning. Which got me to thinking...

You know how when you fall off the wagon, eat something REALLY horrible which you KNOW is just going to add at least a pound to the scale? Well, after that, we have two choices:

• #1. Get back on the wagon. Like my WW leader always says, quoting the Duchess of York, "You're only one meal away from being back on plan." (Great philosophy.)
• #2. Keep on back sliding. Because after all, this totally wrecked any plans you had of losing weight this week, right? So why not just keep enjoying the splurges until after weigh in. If you're gonna gain, you might as well have fun doing it, right?

Okay, so #2 is the most helpful advice, I know. But these are the thoughts running through my head this morning when I didn't have a thing to eat in the house for breakfast. I had meant to go to the store last night but got waylaid by that enormous indulgence (steak restaurant—need I say more?). I was in too much pain (from completely overeating) to go to the store and get stuff for breakfast.

So there I stood, in the grocery store, 15 minutes before I needed to be at work, staring at the pastry counter. Sure, what I should have done is gone to the cereal isle and picked up a box of instant oatmeal to heat up once I get to work. But did I do that? Nooooo.

I added 3 donuts to my atrocities of last night.

I just couldn't get option #1 to kick in. For the life of me, I couldn't!

Now here I sit, eating my lunch as I'm typing and what am I eating? Hot dog, coleslaw and a bag of lays chips. Nothing healthy about this meal at all. Unless you could consider the coleslaw as a vegetable. Aw, come on, you won't give me that one???

Okay, so what I need to do now is write down option #1 and keep repeating it to myself for the rest of the afternoon. Then eat something healthy and sensible for dinner.

So that's what I'll do.

"I'm only one meal away from being back on plan!"

There, that was a good start, right?

But seriously, wouldn't we all be much better off if we could just keep option #1 in the forefront of our brains? How many times have we said "I'm starting my diet tomorrow" or "I'll start back on my exercise regiment tomorrow morning"? We would all be so much better off—even our nation as a whole—if we'd just start that diet or that exercise plan or adopt that better spending plan, or whatever, now.

Make the option of that next meal or next run or next whatever become a present action rather than a future action. After all, who knows what's going to happen in the future, right? But right now... right now we know what's happening. And we can make a difference right now.

Start right now. Not tomorrow morning and not at the next meal, but now.

I am.

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I think I'm headed for a train wreck...

I finally upgraded my blog design. I got a hint from SpunkySuzi's blog. I've always enjoy her backgrounds. So I went to the website she told me about and found out just how easy it is to add a different background. So I created my own custom designed background and used their code to get it posted on my blog. I even figured out how to change my font colors and divider lines and everything.

Sweet!

But then I had to do a very sad thing...

I change my ScaleJunkie badge (to the right) from "95 pounds lost" back down to "85 pounds lost". :,,[ sniff sniff

I was so proud of that 95 pound badge! Back in October, I dipped below 95 pounds but I didn't have the heart to change it because I knew I'd be back up above 95 pounds in no time. Well, it took me a month or better to get back above 95 pounds, but I did it. But now, I'm all the way below 90 (87.4 to be exact). So I thought it was time to face the music and switch it out.

It's a depressing time, but I have to be honest with myself and confront my weight gain. I'm the type of person who's always "glass half full". Actually, my glass is always most of the way full, no matter what's going on. But it's time I look at the glass realistically so I can access what's going on in my head and get back to losing.

I thought I was doing good since last Saturday's huge weigh-in debacle of gaining 8.4 pounds in one week! Actually, I was doing good. I was down 3 pounds!

Well, until I weighed myself this morning. I'm back up again. Gained 3 pounds in one day. Ugh!

Cara, what are you doing!??!!

I was so dedicated and determined. I wasn't really sacrificing or depriving myself. I really WANTED to eat healthy and on plan. And I was even exercising and giving it extra effort. Then we got paid yesterday and the flood gates broke loose!

For lunch, I had 9 pieces of sushi (crab, cream cheese and avocado with brown rice) and 7 steamed dumplings. All-in-all, sushi and dumplings are actually healthy for you and low in points. But not when you eat as many as I ate! I ate until I was stuffed! Pegged the Momentum™ hunger scale all the way up to 5+!

Then for dinner, of course we went out, it's pay day! Went to Chili's because of their Guiltless Grill menu. I ordered the grilled salmon with steamed broccoli and black beans. Not a bad selection. According to their menu (which I've been told is NOT entirely accurate) it was a 10 points. I actually was already over by 1.5 points for the day (before I started dinner) but I had to eat, right?

But we ordered chips and salsa before the meal. Why? Who knows. Neither of us were particularly hungry. We could have waited for our meals. But alas, we pigged out on the HUGE bowl of chips and two cups of salsa.

Needless to say, by the end of my meal, I'd pegged the huger meter all the way up past 5 again!

Again, the food I ate wasn't bad for me. But the quantity was HORRIBLE!

Then (and there's always a then), when we got home, I made chocolate pretzels (dark chocolate kiss melted between two Snyder's Butter Snaps). And I think I at about 20 or 30 of them (finished the rest of them off this morning).

I have no self control!

Why am I continually sabotaging myself.

It's almost like... Okay, Cara, you've flubbed up this past year, lets see how badly you can flub up next year!

Ahhhhh!!!!!!

And I know what I'm doing, too. I'm not proud of it, but I know exactly when I'm doing it that it's wrong and will make me gain! But I continue to do it anyway.

I don't want to eat anything else that's bad for me, or rather too much for me. I really want to start losing again!

My skinny jeans are getting tight on my. No, I take that back, they're not GETTING tight on me, they ARE tight on me.

:(

Somebody stop me!!!

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Eating out isn't all it's cracked up to be...

Do you want to know how bad I DID NOT want to work out this morning???!!!

Man, I did not want to get out of bed!

But I did. Yea!

I actually accomplished my exercise goals for the first time in a LONG time! My goal has been, for months, to exercise hard (either biking or working out, high intensity) 3 times a week and walk 2 times a week. Well, I did that this week! Woo hoo! And I feel really good about it.

I really hope I lose something this week. If I don't, it's because of muscle gain that's for sure. My muscles are so tight. They're sore, but not horribly sore like I thought they would.

And I did something last night that I totally could have regretted. Money's been so tight lately, but we still want to be able to treat ourselves every once in a while to a nice meal out. I almost always cringe when it comes to dining out, nowadays. NOTHING is good about eating out. Bad food. Spending money that is silly when you could cook at home for a fraction of the price. Dealing with a loud dining room. Never knowing if the server is going to be on your side or working in cahoots with the kitchen to sabotage the experience. But we did it anyways. It's an Italian restaurant about a half hour away that is divine and horribly cheap! It's actually our favorite Italian restaurant on the planet. It's a mom & pops place where the daughters are the servers. The pasta tastes like it's made fresh right before you eat it and the sauce is so delicate it's like little angels came down and made it just before they put it on the divine pasta. (can you tell I like food?)

Anyway, I so did not want to go there because there's absolutely nothing nutritious about Italian food, especially at a restaurant. Then I found the salads and the soups. Score! First of all, I have to tell you that I have always hated salads. They seem like such a waste of good chewing efforts. Lettuce doesn't do anything for me, I might as well be eating water for as long as lettuce sticks with me. And they're always so tasteless (well, the healthy way).

The best salad I could find was a chef salad. It was about 5 cups of iceberg lettuce topped with two cucumbers, two tomato slices, three rings of white onion slices, one slice of ham and the outside rim of the plate was lined with pepperoni slices (13 of them—I counted).

I got oil and vinegar dressing but just put vinegar on it. Then I got a bowl of Minestrone soup. Wasn't the best soup in the world, but it was the best I could do.

The best thing was I resisted the pasta! Man was that tough. Especially when hubby ordered a cheesy Calzone. Oh! I sat there watching him eat that thing wishing I could. Man that was hard!

But I made it. Of course, I had to have a half a peanut butter sandwich after I got home because by the time we made it home, my salad was gone and I felt like I hadn't eaten anything.

Can't wait for tomorrow's WI!

Oh, by the way, I cut back on the water yesterday and only had 80 ounces. WW says I should have 8 glasses (64 ounces) and many other weight loss experts say I should have half my weight in ounces. So I'm 168 so I should have 84 ounces. So I'll try and keep it between 8 and 10 cups of water. Just to be safe.

P.S. What's an "NSV"?

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