Turning onto a new path in my weight loss journey...

I've turned a corner in my weight loss journey.

Well, no, wait a minute... not in my weight loss journey, but in my heart.

The most I can hope from this turn, is to not do a u-turn and head back down the path I've been on for the past couple of years.

As many of you might know, I've been on Weight Watchers since May 2007. So in a couple of months, I'll have been trying to reach my goal weight for FOUR YEARS. (yikes) I still haven't reached goal. 

Sure, I've reached major milestones along my journey, all of which I'm extremely proud of, but I haven't reached my ultimate goal weight yet.

Well, now I hope with this new turn, I can get there.

A little bit of history about my weight loss journey, for those of you who are new. Weight Watchers has taught me SO much about how to eat right. It's taught me what foods are good for my body and bad for my body. It's taught me that I can eat whatever I want to eat as long as I eat responsibly and watch my portions. It's taught me proper exercise. And an all around healthy look at the way I eat.

I've also tried a few other diet plans along the way, though none of them I've stuck with for very long. Maybe even a few weeks at a time. But each time I dabbled in something different, I learned so much more about foods and how they interact with my body.

I learned a great deal from the Eat Clean Diet. Man, if you ever want to learn exactly what food does to your body, that's the place to start. My husband tried a medical weight loss diet and I learned  a lot from his journey about carbs and sugars and protein and how they break down in your body for the good and bad.

So, all in all, I'd say I have a pretty good grasp on how to diet, or rather how to eat right and exercise to lose weight.

But here I sit, still 30 pounds from my ultimate goal (20 pounds from my Weight Watchers goal).

I was almost at my wits end when I recently stumbled across a lady who'd written a book about cravings. It started me to thinking about how throughout the 200+ blog posts and 4 years of daily eating and exercise habits, it has always come back to cravings for me. That's always been my down fall.

My cravings are SO bad. I'm sure you can all identify with it. A real good visual is the orange fuzzy monster that Weight Watchers came out with a couple of years ago to represent the "cravings monster" who stalks us and follows us wherever we go. I can say I've never physically seen that monster in my path, but I have definitely felt him emotionally and mentally taunting me and teasing me and making funny faces at me ALL THE TIME. My cravings are such a real and tangible thing.

So back to this book. It's by a lady named Lysa Terkeurst and it's called Made to Crave.

The book is about how God made us to crave, but not necessarily to crave food but more to crave Him. Listen to this verse: "How lovely is your dwelling place, oh Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." (Psalm 84:1-2). It says 'my heart & flesh cry out for God'. If I had to be completely honest with myself, my heart and flesh cry out for cheese fries, juicy burgers, lasagna, cheese & bacon soup, coconut cream pie, bacon & onion mac & cheese, donuts and full fat lattes (though my list of "crying out for" foods, could continue for another paragraph or two, to be truly honest). And I'm afraid that I've let my cravings for food consume my craving for God.

Here's an excerpt from her book that really sums up how I feel right now. She's talking about her endless cycle of waking up each morning and weighing herself just hoping that the scales would be kind to her, but they never were, and so she'd step into the kitchen and each whatever yummy thing she could find for breakfast, and start the cycle of bad choices for another day only to repeat this process every morning. Anyway, here's the excerpt:

And the cycle I've come to hate and feel powerless to stop continues. ... But I did need to make changes. I knew it. Because this wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Really surrender. Surrender to the point where I'd make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

Part of my surrender was asking myself a really raw question.

May I ask you this same raw question? Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am a deeply spiritual person and I rely on my God and my Saviour, Jesus, for every breath I take and everything move I make. How could this be humanly possible that I could love food more than God?

But I think back over the past 4 years, heck, the past 44 years, and I can see where my life has almost always revolved around food. I schedule for it. I anticipate it. I devote serious amounts of time to food every day of my life. You might even say I'm a bit obsessive compulsive about my lovely food. 

So maybe there's something to what she's saying.

Well, that is where I am right now. This is the corner that I've turned. I have no idea what's around the corner, but I know that I need to reexamine myself and my heart and get my priorities and my cravings set straight.

I'm only on chapter 4, but I feel like I'm on chapter one of my weight loss journey. And I feel really good about that. I really feel that if I could knock my cravings, or at least get them under control, I could beat this weight loss thing.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes. I plan on journalling more frequently (I know, you've heard that before). I want to work through this new process a bit more and I'm gonna need your help to get me through it. We'll see where I go from here. I hope it's to a better place and a more sane reality for me. Because I just don't know how much longer I can stay on the path I'm on continuing to not reach goal.

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P.S. If you're interested in the book, I can post more info about it. Just let me know.

Two firsts...

I've had a couple of "firsts" lately. First of all, I cut my hair.

Okay, I'm sure you're asking yourself "is this the first time you've ever cut your hair?!". He he... No, silly!

BUT... this is the first time I've ever gotten my hair cut short.

My whole life, even when I was a kid, I've had long hair. Now, it's WAY short. Well, way short for me.

So this is the new me! What do you think?

I was SO nervous at the beauty parlor. I told my stylist that I'd never gotten it cut this short IN MY LIFE but that I wanted to do something COMPLETELY different to celebrate all the weight I'd lost. I started to go shorter but she said for me to wait and wear it for a week and then see if I really wanted it shorter.

I'm glad I didn't go shorter. I really love it. I'm having so much fun with it. I feel like an all new me!!


Now for the 2nd 1st. For the first time in my life, I went rollerblading. Now, mind you, you're talking to the lady who was deathly afraid of running just 2 years ago. Remember my fear of falling and breaking a knee or arm? I was so afraid that I'd have a heart attack or worse--die. But there I was, Monday night, rollerblading.

I felt like a kid learning how to ride my bike for the first time. I kept wobbling and jerking from fear that I'd fall. But I didn't.

What fun that was!! What a blast!!!

I've always heard the roller blading is a TOUGH workout. Well, not so much for me. You see, hubby also got a pair of roller blades and when I go with him, we go kinda slow. So I really haven't worked up a sweat yet. But he's getting the hang of it and I'm sure we'll be flying soon.

It's so much fun. I sit there all day just waiting for the work day to be over so I can go home and strap on my roller blades and go for a spin.

What fun!!!

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3 Years ago today...

Three years ago today, I started my weight loss journey.

This was me 3 years ago:

And this is me today (literally, I just snapped this shot).


I'm 104 pounds lighter today than when I was on May 12, 2007.

When I walked into Weight Watchers 3 years ago, I weight 265 pounds. And if you'd have told me then that it would take me 3 years to lose those 104 lbs, I probably would have turned around and walked right out of there.

But I'm so glad I didn't.

I've never missed a Weight Watcher's meeting since that day. Not one week. I weighed in during the weeks, sometimes, whenever I had something going on on Saturdays that would prevent me from attending my regular Saturday morning meeting. And I've even found Weight Watchers meetings while I was on vacation in different states.

I knew if I missed one week, that would be it. If I gave myself permission to miss one week's weigh in, then there would be nothing stopping me from attending hit or miss, willy nilly. No, I know me and I know that if I do that, I'll never reach my goal.

So three years later and 104 lbs gone, I'm still going strong.

I'm only 6.2 lbs away from my Weight Watchers goal. Realistically, it'll be another 3-6 months before those pounds come off. But I'm not discouraged or detoured. I'm steady on, eye on the prize. I'm going to do it! I will. No matter if it takes me another 3 years. I will make goal!

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Very slow weight loss...

You know, I have had the slowest weight loss for someone who has never missed a Weight Watchers meeting in almost 3 years and has never stopped one day from counting my points and working the plan. I've weighed in EVERY Saturday since May 12, 2007—EVERY SATURDAY.

And look at this. It's my weight loss chart from day one:

• My average weight loss has be 7/10ths of a pound each week. Not bad.

• I started at 265.2 lbs and I'm now down to 163.2 lbs.

• I've lost a total of 102 lbs.

Here's the sad info (well, sad for me):

• From May 12, 2007 to Dec. 20, 2009 I lost a total of 97.4 lbs with an average loss of 1.2 lbs each week. 19 months, not bad, right?
  

• Then from Dec. 20, 2009 to present day, I've only lost a total of 6.4 lbs with an average loss of .1 lbs each week.
  

Look at this plateau—a plateau I basically maintained for 15 months:

See how many ups and downs there were? The gray line going horizontal across the center of the chart is the 175 lb mark. So even though I reached my 100 lb goal in May of 2009, look how much I went back up and down. I'll bet I lost 50 lbs (and gained 50 lbs) over the past 15 months. All the while, never missing a Saturday morning weigh in or meeting.

Crazy!!

I mean, I've heard of people having plateaus for a short period of time. A few weeks or maybe a month or two at the most. But never for 15 months!! And I've heard of people not following their plan or "kinda" following their plan and having stats like this.

But me? I've been on plan the whole time. What the heck?!

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic at my losses recently and I know I'm heading down the right path now to make these pounds stay off for good, instead of gaining them back like I've done over the past couple of years, but doesn't this sound a little crazy?

Who in their right mind would keep going this long, day in, day out, non-stop every week?

The truth be told, I've learned a lot about myself over these 15 months. Sometimes I thought I had myself figured out. Each time, I learned something valuable about me. Its been a long process and one I would never want to do again nor would I want to recommend to anyone, but this process has brought me to where I am today. I can look back at every loss and every gain and say "I've overcome".

I'm not at goal, yet. I'm only 8.2 lbs away from my Weight Watchers goal. And 23.2 lbs away from my ultimate goal. I sure hope it doesn't take me another 15 months to lose these last 8 lbs.

Who knows. All I know is that I will make goal one day. I am sure of that. In the mean time, one day at a time, one week at a time, one step at a time.

P.S. The twitter guy hasn't bugged me any more. Whew! He's probably off terrorizing someone else by now. My boss hasn't said anything about any phone calls to the owner either.

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My "I've Come So Far" list...

A few weeks ago, my weight watcher leader handed out little slips of papers to each of us for us to write down 10 things on this list called "I've Come a Long Way". The idea was to list out 10 things that I do now that I could never do when I was at my heaviest. Kind of a "look at me now".

I thought I'd share that list with you guys:

(In no particular order)

• I've gone from a size 28 to size 10. In this picture, on the left, I was trying on a dress in the dressing room when I snapped that pic (I did buy it and loved it). It was a size 28. On the right is me over a year ago when I was only 8 pounds heavier than I am now.
  

• I've had to resize my wedding rings (and one of them needs resizing again)

• I don't sweat anymore when I go shopping. This used to be terrible. I'd go grocery shopping for just a half hour and before I could make it to the check out line, I'd have sweat beads running down my forehead. It was so embarrassing.
  

• I can cross my legs by putting one knee over the other knee. This was a huge one for me. I've been crossing my knees by putting my ankle on top of my other knee for so long. I really missed crossing my legs like a lady.

• I can fold my arms in front of me and my arms aren't squeezing my boobs. Now my folded arms fall under my boobs and rest on my tummy like they should. This was another huge one for me. I always hated folding my arms over my boobs like that.

• Walking up the three flights of stairs at work without getting winded. I remember when I first started taking the stairs I had to stop at the 2nd landing and catch my breath and I had to stop at the top of the 3rd landing before I opened the door so in case someone was standing on the other side of the door they wouldn't be freaked out by a panting fat woman blazing through the door.

• I can buy clothes in regular stores, now. Not the plus size stores or departments. That's a huge victory. I remember the first time this happened I had the biggest smile and told my daughter, "Look, I don't need to go to that department any more". I was so proud.

• I can fold my hands in my lap. I actually have a lap, now. Awesome!

• I can pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my knees and sit like I used to sit with I was a kid in school. =]

• I don't snore any more. I used to snore HORRIBLY. My husband recorded me one night and it was humiliating. But now, no more!

• I can eat in public without feeling embarrassed or like the whole restaurant is watching that "fat woman" eat like a pig.

• I can fit in a booth in a restaurant, now. In fact, most booths are too far away for me. I have to scoot up to the table.

Okay, so that was a little more than 10 things, but I had a couple more things I'm proud of.

What about you? What can you do now that you couldn't do before you started losing weight? Or if you've just started, what are you looking forward to doing again?

Keep these things in the front of your mind. Even write them down or blog about them like I did. They are great motivations. Great trophies. Great milestones in my weight loss journey.

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I've come so far in just ONE year...

One year ago, I completely fell off the wagon...

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

In July of last year (2008), I started a goal of losing 18 pounds in 18 weeks so by Thanksgiving (of last year) I would have arrived at 100 pounds lost. I just went back and re-read that goal-setting blog and I sounded so full of hope and optimism. It was, after all, only "1 pound a week".

But there I sat, at the Thanksgiving table, a year ago, stuffing my face 'til I couldn't move.

I ate all the chocolates that were laying around the house (my mother-in-law makes these yummy treats where she puts a pecan halves on top of a Rollos on top of little pretzel twists, melts them in the oven and when they're cooled, they're yummy little turtle-like delights).

And for the meal, I had double portions of absolutely everything. I remember seeing my mother-in-law sitting across the table from me eating her Thanksgiving meal on a smaller plate (she had lost 50 lbs on Weight Watchers just earlier that year). I laughed inside to myself. Fooey on that! I'm eating a full plat of yumminess and I didn't care if I gained 10 pounds. I even had extra helpings of pie. And of course I took all the casserole left overs home and ate them again when we got home and for days after that, too. And, yes, I did gain 10 pounds before the week was over.

I remember, months later, looking back at that meal remembering that that moment was the beginning of my self-sabotage. I didn't know it at the time, but I panicked at the thought of actually reaching my momentous goal. Read this old post to see what I'm talking about.

But this year... completely different. I feel like a completely different person. Mentally, physically and spiritually. I'm in such a better space, now.

I started off the day by going for a run. I woke up around 6:30, before daylight, and was so anxious to get out there and run. I sat there starring outside waiting for daylight. I finally headed out at about 10 'til 7 and man was it chilly out there. Of course, no one else was either on the roads or on the sidewalks. A quite and confident run to start the day off right.

I got back in time to throw the sticky buns in the oven to bake real quick. Mind you, these were the real thing. My daughter had assembled them the night before (she came over and helped make the casseroles with me) and asked me to bake them for her before we headed over for Thanksgiving dinner.

We headed out to hubby's parent's house around 9. While the turkey was finishing, we watched home videos. We watched my almost 21-year-old's first birthday party. First of all, I loved seeing her so young and precious. Brought back some great memories. But most of all, I noticed that I am much thinner now than I was then. It was so awesome to see myself 20 years ago and know that I'm skinnier now than I was then. I was probably 210-220 pounds in those videos. Now, 165!!

Most people will look at themselves 20 years ago and say "man I looked so good back then, I wish I was that skinny again". Not me, I was so happy to see how far I've come since those days.

Then dinner time. I ate my thanksgiving meal on that smaller plate. I had half and quarter portions of everything. Though there wasn't much empty space on my little plate, I had maybe 3-4 bites of everything. Instead of 1-2 cups of everything, like last year.

At the end of the meal, I sat there completely satisfied. Not stuffed. Not miserable. Completely satisfied. Then about an hour after dinner, once everyone else's stomachs started calming down, we had pie. I had half a piece of pumpkin pie and a half a piece of pecan pie (my deceased grandmother's recipe—my cousin made the pie and shipped it to me).

I wasn't really all that hungry for the rest of the day. I had a Chobani greek yogurt around 7:30 and that's about all I needed for the day.

I hate to be so boastful, folks, but I'm so darn proud of myself. I'm beaming.

Oh, and the best part...

I weighed myself this morning and I actually lost a pound yesterday!

Who loses one pound on Thanksgiving while still thoroughly enjoying everything the day has to offer?!!

What a great day!

How was your day?

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving...

I thought today would be a great day to stop and give thanks...

Thanks for my new body.

I'm a hundred pounds lighter than I was 2 years ago and I feel a thousand pounds lighter. In my body, in my spirit and in my soul. My life is changed.

Sure, there are the physical changes. I mean, its so darn wonderful to look down and be able to see my lap. I absolutely LOVE being able to cross my legs. Or even cross my arms in front of me without having to have them press my boobs down. (I'm not crazy about all the flaps of skin that are hanging from me, but hey, those are my trophy flaps, right?)

Then there's the activity part. I'm so much more active now. I used to be a couch potato. Now I just love getting up and doing whatever I need or want to do. Because I know I won't get tired. I used to sweat when I went shopping. Now, I can shop all day and never break a sweat. I love being able to skip up the 3 flights of stairs at work, multiple times a day and not get winded at all. Heck, I ran 6 miles on Sunday, 4 miles on Monday and 2 miles this morning. 12 MILES in one week!!?? Whodathunk!

I've had to get all my rings resized and I think I need to get them resized again because one of them keeps flipping over to where the diamond part falls around to the palm side of my hand whenever I type. I have a little silver chain bracelet that I paid like $5 for, but I don't want to replace it, so I just moved the clasp up to hook into one of the chains, so that there's a strip of chain dangling about an inch long after the clasp. An inch of chain that used to encase my fat wrists. And I'm now down to a size 12 (maybe even a 10, but I haven't been shopping in quite a while). When I started this journey over 2 years ago, I was a SIZE 26/28 and they were too tight on me!!

I love the way I feel about myself. I feel so worth it, now. I feel like before, when I was fat, I was hiding from the world and I wasn't worth anyone noticing me or giving me any kind of credit for anything. And I had to fight for any ounce of respect from my peers. Now... Now, I hold my head high. I am worth it. I am so much more confident in my choices, my actions and my conversations. The weird part was that I always was worth it, I just didn't know it because of all the embarrassment and unworthiness that I felt when I was fat.

Now, I can call my self thin. I even go so far, sometimes, to say I'm skinny. Although, according to most BMI and weight charts, I still need to lose another 10 pounds before I'll be "healthy". But in my heart and soul, I AM SKINNY!

I love this new me. And I'm SO thankful for her. I'm proud to be in the skin I'm in, now.

And I'm SO thankful for my family at Weight Watchers and of course my real family, too—including my absolutely amazing husband. And I'm SO thankful for all of you out there reading my blog. And this is something I want each and every one of you to own. Even if you've never commented on one of my blog posts before, you still read my blog. And that is SUCH great encouragement to me to keep going and keep losing. You know what would make me SO happy. If I could get each of you to just post "your welcome" on this blog post. You don't have to say anything more, I'd just like to send this little piece of thanks out to each one of you and I want you to know that you've changed my life and the way you can own this appreciation is to take it in and just say a simple "you're welcome, Cara". It would make me so happy. It would really make my Thanksgiving PERFECT!

So, what do you say?

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First time in my life...

I did something today that I've never done in my life...

I exercised on my lunch hour.

I've never figured out how people can exercise their way through lunch time. Me? I usually eat my way through lunch. Where is there time in there to do anything else? But I felt so darn guilty for not exercising this morning that I just HAD to try it.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

I have to come home every day for lunch to walk the pups. So that takes up about 10 or 15 minutes. It's about a 5-8 minute ride between work and home so that ate up about a half hour of my lunch hour. So I did a Jillian Michaels' Shred workout that was 28 minutes. Then I fixed a sandwich to take back with me to work.

I actually made it back to work in exactly an hour. Whew!

I really worked out hard, too. I turned the ceiling fan on high and worked out right under it so I wouldn't get too sweaty. I didn't want to take a shower before I headed back. That's another thing that's always stumped me about people who work out at lunch. How do they have time to shower before coming back to work? I just towelled off and deodorant'ed up real good and went flying out the door back to work. I didn't feel gross when I got back to work, either.

Actually, I had worked out so hard, I couldn't make it back up the stairs at work. I work on the 3rd floor. My legs were like rubber. Plus, I was wearing my new 3" heals.

Did I tell you I bought my first pair of high heal shoes in like 20 years? When you're "top heavy" it's hard to walk in high heals. At least it always has been for me. But when I went shopping for a new pair of shoes a few weeks ago, I tried on a pair that was really high. I thought they'd be too high, but when I walked around in them I felt fine. I didn't wobble or anything.

I tell you, though, I feel like a teenager learning how to walk in her first pair of high heal shoes, though. I have to learn how to do this all over again. I feel silly. But great at the same time. What a milestone for me!

Oh, back to the lunch time workout, the next time, I'll fix my sandwich before I leave for work in the morning so I can eat at my desk before I leave to come home for lunch. I didn't run out of energy half way through the workout, but I was afraid I was going to. So next time I won't have to worry about it.

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How I Reached My 100 Pound Goal.

I want to thank each and every one of you who stopped by my blog and congratulated me. Each and every remark meant so much to me. I feel like I just won the Biggest Loser. I feel on top of the world.

I seriously NEVER thought I'd lose 100 pounds. I mean, my ultimate goal was originally to lose 130 pounds, and I really thought I'd have reached that goal by now. When I started Weight Watchers 2 years and 4 weeks ago on May 12, 2007, I truly thought I'd be at my 130 pound goal WAY before 2 years.

When I first started losing weight, it wasn't really all that hard. I remember thinking to myself "why didn't you do this a long time ago, this isn't so hard". I mean, the pounds just seemed to drop off with very little effort on my part.

My first year, I dropped 80 pounds, with an average of 1 1/2 pounds a week. Not bad, huh?! So at that rate, which is a safe rate at which to lose weight, I'd be at my ultimate goal after about a year and a half.

Then something unexpected happened... me.

See, I decide last July that I'd start the 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge. If some of you have been following me for a while, you remember this. You might have even joined me in this challenge. My goal was to reach my 100 pound mark by Thanksgiving. Then I could sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and be thankful that I'd lost 100 pounds. But then a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, my weight loss efforts came to a total and complete halt.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

I sat down to Thanksgiving dinner sad and disappointed with myself. I tell you what, I have never hated Thanksgiving as I did then. And you know what I did. I ate like a pig. I figured, heck, if I can't lose the weight, what does it matter? I was thoroughly disappointed with myself.

But I couldn't figure out why my weight loss had stopped. I was still doing everything I'd always done. I was eating my points. I was exercising regularly. So why wasn't I still losing??

Then in one week, the week of Christmas, I gained 8 pounds. Ugh! I completely pigged out. I thoroughly enjoyed everything I ate.

Then the next week, I got right back on plan. To no avail, though. Still no weigh loss, or very little. I thought because those 8 pounds came on so quickly, that they'd drop off just as fast.

Nothing doing.

But I didn't give up.

I felt like I was banging my head against the wall. A really hard concrete wall. I kept trying and trying, but nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sure, I'd lose a pound or two here or there. But I'd inevitably gain to offset any small momentum I might have gained.

It wasn't until just a couple of months ago that I learned that I was sabotaging myself. My biggest enemy was me!

Wait a minute. Me? Sabotage? What the heck!?!? I want to lose this weight so bad. I want to be a skinnier me so bad. Why on earth would I ever sabotage myself??

Looking back, I think I freaked myself out. Just before Thanksgiving, when I was just a few pounds away from the 100, I think I convinced myself that I couldn't do it because I wasn't worthy. It's like, I wasn't good enough to be thin. I didn't deserve it. After all, I still craved all the bad food. I still wanted to eat everything in sight. And who's to say that as soon as I reached my 130 pound goal that I wouldn't gain every pound of it back. I convinced myself I wasn't good enough to be thin and healthy.

Listen to this. Terri, a friend from high school, just left me a message on my Facebook. She really hit the nail right on the head. She said: "sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves and we're afraid of success and being successful." That's exactly what it was.

But I didn't know that until just recently. I even had a few people tell me they thought I was sabotaging myself way back then. I quickly brushed them off. No way would I EVER intentionally sabotage myself.

But you know? I am worth it. I totally am.

You are too.

We're both worth it. We both deserve to be a thinner, happier version of ourselves. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's not prideful. It's not self-centered. It's being happy with the body God gave us. We're the ones who added all those fat layers onto our bodies. So to shed those layers is really just unveiling the me, and the you, who we really are on the inside. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I had convinced myself that I was happy being fat. My husband loved me the size I was. My family loved me for who I was no matter what I looked like. But really, it matters what I think about myself. I felt "full" in my old fat suit. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed crying because I couldn't fit into my newly bought size 26/28 clothes.

Now, I'm in a size 12!! I haven't been in a size 12 since before my daughter was born. And she just turned 20. I'm so happy. I'm so proud of myself. I've done it. Me. I've lost 100 pounds.

And I'm worthy of this great accomplishment!

I'm SO close to losing 100 pounds!! :0]

Okay, are you guys sitting down??

If not, you might want to because this news might just floor you if you're not...

I think I'm going to reach my 100 pound goal this weekend!!!!

Last week, I weighed in at Weight Watchers at 170.4 pounds. And my weight at home that same morning (before weigh in) was 169.8. I'm usually about a pound lighter at home than I am at Weight Watchers.

This morning I weight myself at home and I was 164.8. So I've lost 5 pounds this week (so far).

My 100 pound mark is 165.2.

So if I can just lose another 6 to 8/10ths of a pound (for cushion), I just might pull it off. Ideally, I'd like to be 164.2 at home so that would give me a full pound of variance so hopefully WW would weigh me in at 165.2.

I'm so excited!!

So, how have I been doing it. Well, it's not something I want to do for a very long time, but basically I'm doing the Weight Watcher's Jump Start program. I don't know why I didn't think about this before.

Their menu is filled with low calorie, low fat, high protein, high fiber, low sodium, high energy foods. Filling foods. Lots of whole grains. Basically, a healthy diet.

And I treated EVERY day like it was Friday. Friday's are my "knuckle down, be on my best behavior" days to I'll try and lose an extra X/10th of a pound in time for Saturday morning's weight in. I had no splurges whatsoever AT ALL this week. Not even last weekend. I haven't used but just a few of my flex points.

I feel a bit deprived, though, which is why I don't think I'd like to do this indefinitely. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the food I'm eating, but I still miss my comfort foods. My little splurges. And if I deny myself for very long, I'll soon have an all-out binge of all the wrong foods.

It's been a struggle. Every night, I want to go in the kitchen and eat everything I can get my hands on. Luckily the cupboards are a bit bare so that has helped.

If I don't make it to the 100 pound goal, at least I'll be close. Close enough to get it the next week. And at the very least, I'll get a paperclip! Maybe even two!!

So wish me luck. I've got 2 full (well almost full) days left to go before weigh in. So I've got to, at the very least, keep my weight right where it is, but at best lose another pound.

Overcoming fears and achieving goals...

Biggest Loser was great tonight. I cried big ole alligator tears when Tara crossed the finish line. Then I did it all over again when Helen crossed. I didn't cry for Mikey because even though it was a huge victory for him, I could totally empathize that it just wasn't the huge victory he'd wanted. But darn it all, I cried when Ron crossed the finish line. But I wasn't crying for Ron, I was crying for Mikey. He was so stinking proud of his dad. And Max was crying from like a mile back from the end of the race.

I can't believe that show finally got me crying. Crying like a baby.

I can identify with that show and those contestants so much. I know exactly what they were going through when the got home. That overwhelming fear that they couldn't do it and that they'd go back to the "way it used to be". That paralyzing fear. That fear that derails.

Tara was so afraid that she'd completely fallen of the wagon when those Pita chips attacked her in the grocery store. She had everything under control and then her old food addictions set in and it scared her to death.

Helen was so afraid to drink that glass of wine. What if she couldn't stop. What if she convinced herself that it was okay to drink a glass of wine on a regular basis and then she'd be right back where she was.

Mike was so afraid that all of his hard work wasn't going to be enough. And afraid he wouldn't have time for him.

I could totally identify with each of them. That fear is so tangible. That fear is what kept me from reaching my 100 pound goal last fall. I just knew that once I reached my goal I'd mess up some how and gain it all back. Then I was afraid that if I ate something that I loved and wouldn't be able to stop. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to do it. Or worse yet, I'd do it, I'd lose all the weight, but then I'd gain it all back. I love food after all. Why would I want to deprive myself of it for the REST OF MY LIFE??

But I've learned what Tara, Helen and Mike have learned. I CAN do it. And if I fall off, I'll just get back on and life will go on.

Life will go on.

So one pound at a time. One day at a time. I'm continuing my journey. And I'm loving every minute of it.

I went walking with my WW team tonight. We walked a very brisk 3 miles. Was great getting to know new people and walking on that beautiful trail. Here's a pic:



Yea, there were only 4 of us and a non WW member who walked with us and took the picture. But at least we're out there doing it, right?

We're walking again tomorrow night and the next night.

Things are looking up...

I decided to sit down and see just how much weight I've lost since my derailment last November and compare that to how much weight I've gained. The results were fascinating, encouraging and discouraging altogether.

I've lost almost 20 pounds (19.8, precisely) since the week before Thanksgiving.

However, I've gained almost 19 pounds (18.8, precisely).

So since my unintentional but purposeful sabotage, I've netted a total of 1 pound loss since the 3rd week in November. FOUR MONTHS.

Ugh!

I've learned so much about myself since November, though. I had no idea I was sabotaging myself, to begin with. And also, I've learned that I can lose weight and I can be successful at it and it's okay to be a success. It's okay to be proud of losing weight. It's okay to be proud of my new body.

For those of you who might not have been with me through last year, I started my "18 Pounds in 18 Weeks Challenge" last July because I was only 18 pounds away from 100 pounds lost. The closest I ever got was 2.6 pounds away from 100. Then I sabotaged myself and it took me until just recently before I realized I was doing it. I'm now 4.8 pounds away from the ominous 100 pound mark, but I am going to get there this time. I am on the downside of this losing streak—in a good way. And I am going to make it this time.

I've been consistent in my exercise. I'm actually becoming addicted to the running thing. I just can't wait to get out there and run again. I want to go right now.

I've been writing down everything I eat for about the last month or so. Consistently.

And I've been drinking my allotted water every day. Every day.

My mental attitude has changed greatly, too. I now look at food entirely differently. I used to get so mad at that fact that I was going to have to eat this way for the rest of my life and I was never going to be able to eat the things that I really wanted to eat. But now, that's not even the point. I still love food. I still consider myself an addict. But I just look at it all differently now.

I look at food for what it really is. It's nourishment. It's comfort. It's sustenance. It's pleasure. It's necessity. It's all these things. But all in all. It's just food. It's not my life. My life does not revolve around food any more. Food is a big part of my life. It should be. Without it, I'd die. But it's no longer my best friend. It's no longer my lover. It's no longer my life-long companion whom I gave precedence over everything else in my life. Food is no longer the enemy either. It won't trick me or tempt me or make me fail at being a happy, healthy, beautiful person.

I'm turning into a different person. It's a better version of the real me. And I like what I see on the horizons.

,

10K victory...

Well, I did it, I ran my first 10K this morning! And I did great.

Well, my finish was fairly bad, but I, myself, did great! I finished 1,878th out of 1,911 runners. I was 33rd from the last. But I consider this a win because I finished strong and ran very confidently throughout the entire race. I actually had a great run. (I told you guys I ran slow and I now you have proof.) :)

It was actually a little intimidating at the start. I got there and lined up around the back of the bunch because my pace is 15 minutes per mile and the highest pace marker was 10 minutes. I knew there was no way I could run a 10 minute mile. But as I was standing there, I looked around and everyone looked fit and skinny. I saw just a few people that looked like they might be 10 or 15 pounds overweight, but they all looked young and fit. I wondered what I'd gotten myself into. Maybe I had bitten off more than I could chew!

But then the race started and I was off running side by side with these skinny fit people.

Now, it wasn't long before they all passed me, but that was okay. I just got into my steady stride and steady breathe and ran confidently.

I usually get winded my first 2 miles, but this time I didn't. I was such a rock. I surprised myself, actually. I brought my iPod this time and put on a CD I hadn't listened to in quite a while. Used to be my favorite. It's Private Nation by Train. Listening to it helped keep me focused and helped me concentrate on my stride and my breathing. I didn't get caught up in seeing all those people passing me and freak out that maybe I should be going faster.

I Twittered again and that helped me. Kind of like everyone was going through this with me. A friend from work texted me and said she was following me on Twitter. That was cool!

I ran the whole way. I never felt like walking or slowing down. I'm so proud of how I did.

It was actually kind of funny because as I passed the 6 mile mark, these two old people—and by old, I mean really old, like late 70's or maybe even 80!—came walking past me. Yes, walking! They were walking pretty fast, but still they were walking. Was so bad.

I couldn't have them finish before me so I kicked it in gear the last 2/10th of a mile and finished ahead of the old people.

Then to celebrate my finish, we went for hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Oh my goodness, those things are like a little piece of heaven.

You know, I've been giving alot of thought to the shoes that I run in and I think they're just fine. I could go get fitted at a running store and buy $80-$100 shoes, but my $30 shoes from Sports Authority are doing just fine for me. They're the most comfortable sneakers I've ever had and I feel wonderful when I run.

Maybe when (if) I get to be more of a competitor, I can invest in better shoes, but for now, these are doing me just fine. That's all I was trying to say to begin with about getting a good pair of shoes to run in. I know I'm still just starting out, too. I've only been running since mid-December. And I'm just barely running, too.

By the way, I gained 8/10ths of a pound at yesterday's weigh in. I actually did great all week, drank my water every day, ate within my points (not like last week) and I exercised great this week (ran 12 miles altogether). After all, I did lose 4.6 pounds last week so a little gain this week isn't all that bad. I'm not upset with it at all.

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Winning the "battle" that wasn't really a battle at all...

I wanted to continue talking about this weight loss "battle" that is going on in my head and not so much in my body.

First, I have to say that it's taken me months to realize that my lack of weight loss is really in my mind. Boy, I hate saying that out loud because I feel like I sound crazy--wacko! But I think back to November when I first started experiencing this and it all makes sense now.

We all have a subconscious, right? And our subconscious tells us things and makes us do things that we otherwise wouldn't normally be aware of. So why would my subconscious be sabotaging me? If anything, I think it would want to help me more than hurt me--to its benefit, right?

Maybe there's no answer to that. Or maybe there is, but I'm just not equipped to know the answer. But for me, just realizing that it's possible is really winning half the battle.

So here I sit, knowing that my mind has sabotaged me. Now what?

Well, I have to say, I think I'm getting a small handle on it.

I've already lost the 2 pounds I gained last week and I'm down another pound or so on top of that.

Sure, I've been exercising (though not as much as I'd want to) and I've been drinking all my water and tracking everything I eat, which I've said time and time again is what will help me lose weight. But other than my outward habits that are helping me, I'm developing an inner peace about this whole thing.

What I've needed to do for so long, but had no idea how to do, or even that I needed to do, was to stop and take a breath and know that I have the power to allow myself to lose weight and I have the right to be okay with that.

You know, in watching Biggest Loser last night, Jillian was picking on Laura telling her that she's making herself a victim. I was so mad at Jil for doing that. You could clearly see by Laura's reaction that she was totally giving 1000% percent to this weight loss journey and she was so appalled that someone would think otherwise.

But look at her teammates. Do you think for a minute they'd say out loud that Laura was the "weakest link" if there wasn't some sort of truth in that?? I know I wouldn't. No matter how much pressure I was getting from my outward voice of reason, my trainer. But yet they all agreed that Laura was weak.

I think I was, am, just as weak as Laura but I never knew it. I completely denied the notion that I could possibly be doing ANYTHING that would for a second intentionally sabotage my weight loss. But you know what? That's exactly what I did.

One of the receptionists at my WW meeting said that exact same thing to me months ago. I brushed it off. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!??? As hard as I've been trying and as much as I want to be at goal, do you actually think I'd intentionally do ANYTHING to hinder that drive.

But yet, I did.

Now that I can see that, I can deal with it. You know what they say, seeing the problem for what it really is is half the battle.

Now I just have to know this and then incorporate it into the front of my brain. I have to know that I have these tendencies and confront them for truly what they are.

Like Laura, I felt like the victim. I was doing EVERYTHING I could possibly do to lose weight--truthfully! And I really did feel like a victim. "Why is this happening to me?" "I know I did everything right, it must just be that my "body" wasn't cooperating with me." Those are statements of a victim.

Well, I'm not gonna be a victim any more. In fact, I never really was one. I just made myself believe I was because I didn't know what was going on.

Now as I sit here typing I'm feeling empowered and seeing clearly for the first time in many, many years.

God wants me to have a beautiful body. And God wants me to be happy with a beautiful body. Dare I say God wants me to be proud of my beautiful body? No, not in a prideful, boastful, sinful way, but in an honest and true sense of appreciation. I'm allowed that. God wants that for us. He sure was proud of the beautiful creation that he made, why shouldn't we be?

So now where do I go?

One day at a time. One meal at a time. I can see so clearly now in my head. I can do this. I can lose weight. I can be happy with the weight I've lost. I can be proud of the weight I've lost. I'm worth it.

I truly am.

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Passion of mind...

You know, my journey now has truly become "mind over matter"--my mind over my body.

At the beginning of my weight loss, it was easy to lose weight. I was 130+ pounds overweight. So the first 60-70 pounds seemed to fall off with little effort on my part. Really, all I had to do was track my points. Sure, I exercised, but it was mostly just walking. I remember when I first started exercising, I started doing the WW walking challenge which started with just 10 minutes of walking a day.

So my body was the one losing the weight. It seemed like an easy trap to fall into. But I sure didn't see it as a trap at all. I just thought that was the way I'd lose weight. I had no idea that after a season, my body would require more effort from me, from my mind. And when I came to that point in my weight loss journey, I didn't know what to do. I had no idea why I wasn't losing weight.

I know they say you have to change up what you're doing in weight loss once you hit a plateau. But I didn't hit a plateau. My weight loss just slowed down. I never saw that as a plateau. I just didn't know why I wasn't losing like I used to.

I tried alot of things. Different diet. Different exercise. Basically just alot of different approaches to the same weight loss hurdle.

It wasn't until just recently that I realized my problem is in my mind.

So when I say mind over matter, it really is. My mind has to be the one that decides whether I'll lose weight or not.

When I say the problem was in my mind, I mean my mind was the one sabotaging everything I tried. I didn't even see that it was doing it to me. It started when I got 3 pounds from 100 pounds of weight loss then all of the sudden, weight loss became impossible. Whatever I'd lose, I'd soon gain it right back. And my usual weight loss tricks weren't working.

It wasn't until I started running that it finally hit me.

When I first tried to run over a year ago, I couldn't do it. I got so out of breath that I would get dizzy and start seeing stars from hyperventilation. I didn't understand it. But I was afraid to run. My mind was telling me that I couldn't run. I was too fat. If I ran, I'd either have a heart attack or I'd fall and break a knee or a hip. But I didn't realize that at the time. I just knew that I couldn't run. I just thought it was because I was so out of shape.

Then a couple of months ago, I tried running again, but this time with a different attitude. I knew going into it that I had a fear. Once I started running, I confronted that fear and asked it where it was coming from and why it was sabotaging me. Then I came face to face with it and could see it for what it really was.

Then I took off running.

Once I was able to confront my fear and put it in it's place and know that it was only fear that was holding me back from running, I was free to run.

Then I totally started enjoying running.

But then, much later, I got to thinking about my weight loss and maybe I had some fears about losing weight, too.

You know, I really don't think I was afraid of losing weight. I think really what it was is that I was telling myself that I couldn't do it, but I had no idea I was doing that.

When I first got so close to losing the 100 pounds, I think I was shocked that I could actually do it and I started sabotaging myself just to prove it to myself that I really couldn't do it. Self doubt turned into self image.

Can you believe that?! I actually talked myself into thinking that I was too weak to lose weight. If I had to work at it, it was too hard and I wasn't strong enough to do it.

It wasn't until just recently that I've come to terms with this. I mean, come on, my own mind sabotaging me without my even knowing about it?! How messed up is that?

Then in WW, I saw the "Monitoring Your Thoughts" Helpful Habit and it finally hit me. Sure, I'd seen the 8 Helpful Habits before. I knew all about them. But when that one jumped off the page at it, it hit me like a Mac truck. It was my thoughts that were sabotaging me. And I never knew it.

Now that I know it is my thoughts, or rather my mind telling me that I'm not strong enough to do this, I can see it for what it really is and push past it just like I ran past my fear of running. It's like identifying a problem first then figuring out how to fix the problem. If you don't see it, you can't fix it, right?

Now when I don't lose, I don't have to be frustrated thinking that my body isn't cooperating (like "oh, I did everything I was supposed to do but still gained"), I can see it for what it really (and usually it's my actions or lack thereof that will cause a gain), then I can look at it reasonably and sensibly and know what I need to do to push through and keep on moving in my weight loss journey. Then I can really see what I did or didn't do and look at it honestly and reasonably. Then fix it.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. It's in my mind, so it might not. Have you guys ever had something happen to you and the only thing you can track it back to was your mind sabotaging your efforts? Even if it's something you want so bad and your thoughts are all on the success of it? The tricky part is when your mind sabotages you but you don't even know it. I can't even rationalize how that could possibly happen. You'd think that you could know everything that's going on in your own head.

By the way, if you're looking for a great way to get started walking, I highly recommend Weight Watchers' Walking Challenge. It's great! I only stayed with it for 9 weeks, but it was a huge help for me to get me used to exercising. I hadn't really exercised for maybe 19 or 20 years. And I was obese. Almost 300 pounds. So exercise, for me, was a huge challenge. Their walking challenge was perfect. It eased me into it. Now look at me. A year and a half later, I'm running a 10K. :D

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THREE WEEKS IN A ROW!!!!!

Well, I did it! Three weeks in a row I've pulled a loss!

I was down one whole pound this week!

I'm so glad my brain and my body are starting to work together again.

I'm now at 171.8 lbs.

The first time I hit 171.8 was on Sept. 13 of last year. That's FIVE MONTHS down the crapper. Five months of trying to get back to that point. The lowest I've ever been was 167.8 back on Dec. 13th. So I was able to make it lower than I am now, but now I have to lose those pounds all over again.

So I've got 4 pounds to go to get back down to the lowest I've ever been and I've got 6.6 pounds to go to reach my ominous goal of 100 pounds lost. I can't believe I was only 2.6 pounds away from 100. Ugh! Total sabotage!

Can you believe I've been trying to reach my 100 pound goal since July 19th last year? I started my 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge back then because I was only 18 pounds away from 100 pounds. Then all heck broke loose just before Thanksgiving and I've been trying to regain my weigh loss ever since.

A friend at work, Wendy, told me a cool thing she does with her weight loss log. She'll highlight her losses with a green highlighter and her gains with a red one. The idea is to see more greens than reds, obviously, but it's a great graphical representation of how you're doing on an on-going basis.

So I sat down and did that today. (I don't have a red highlighter so I used orange.) Since I started the challenge, I've had a loss 18 times and a gain 13 times. So at least I'm losing more times than I'm gaining, but not by much. Really, it looks like there's just as many green as there is orange.

Well, at least there are 3 greens in a row for now. I'm going to try for 4 in a row. I'm taking this one day at a time, one week at a time.

I thought I'd try something different this weekend and try to stick to my 22 points each day. Usually, I've used my 22 points for Saturday and Sunday plus all 35 flex point by Sunday night. So far so good. I'll let you know how it works out.

Oh, and I think my next running challenge is going to be a 10K. Okay, I know what you're thinking, 'Good grief, Cara, you just ran your first 5K, isn't a 10K a little ambitious?' Well, yes, it is. But I still want to try it. I truly think I can do it. There's one coming up on March 14th—4 weeks away.

I figured my first step towards seeing if I can do this is to try and run the distance around the neighborhood. So I just finished mapping my route. I think I'll try it tomorrow morning. I suspect it'll take me an hour and a half to do being as the 5K took me 45 minutes. But we'll see.

I'll let you know if I do it or not. Tomorrow morning would really be my only chance until next weekend. I could get up early and try it one morning this week, but I'm still not 100% comfortable running around the neighborhood in the dark. I know I used to do it all the time. Heck, I've been running and walking outside in the dark since I started Weight Watchers almost 2 years ago. But I've been spooked lately. So better go with my gut, right?

So here's to another week of weight loss. Whew! I still can't believe—3 weeks in a row. Hopefully 4 weeks will be in the near future.

P.S. if you have a minute, you should go check out my sister-in-law's new blog. She just started it a couple of weeks ago. Stop by and tell her hi for me, would you? http://lauri-hereigo.blogspot.com.

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My 1st 5K... EVER!

I did it!!

I ran my first ever 5K!!!

This day was so huge for me. Look how far I've come!! If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I'd be running a 5K, I would have told you that you were out of your ever lovin mind! But here I am. I actually did it!! I still can't believe I did it.

I ran the whole way. Never stopped once to walk. I placed 142nd in my age division and 1076th over all. There were over 1800 runners. My time was 45:01 and my pace was 14:29. Now that I'm a competitive runner, I know its important to know your pace. :) (listen to me ... lol)

We had to line up at the start line according to our pace. I had no idea even what that meant. But I figured it out that it was how fast I could run a mile. I figured I'd be around 15 minutes. When I got there, they had a 6 minute mile pace marker, a 7 minute and an 8 minute. I figured I was WAY out of my league when I saw that. But it ended up that they were still setting up the markers and soon they added 9 and "10 minute and up" markers. Then I was the "walkers" marker and figured I was okay. Now I knew they wouldn't start putting out the cones if it took me too long to finish. :)

I actually teared up a little and got a big lump in my throat as I crossed the start line. I was so proud of myself for being there and doing this. Then I took a big swallow and said "Cara, stop that! You're not gonna let these runners see you cry." Then I took a deep breath and started down the track/road.

I did great. I was so extremely nervous, though. I was afraid I'd over do it and then have to stop and catch my breath or maybe even drop out. I did get a little ahead of myself during the first half mile. I started breathing so heavy. I kept looking at my heart rate monitor but for some reason it was stuck on 118. I wonder if there's something wrong with it. For the first maybe three-quarters of a mile it kept saying 118. Then finally I looked down and it said 174. That was more like it. I knew my heart was racing! So I took a deep breath and slowed my pace down some.

After the half way point, I started panicking thinking I wasn't going to be able to finish. I wasn't getting tired or anything, but I was just scared that I would have to stop. I don't know why I do this to myself. But I kept remembering Audrey from my WW meeting saying "slow and steady wins the race". So I kept saying that over and over to myself.

I kept passing walkers. Never passed a runner. But a few walkers did pass me. My pace is slow as you can tell (14-minute mile). It was a little intimidating but I just moved over and let the walkers go past me. I felt so proud, though, when I could pass the walkers. I'd see them running and then walking and then running again. And these were girls that were much younger than me and looked to be in much better shape that I was. But they were huffing and puffing. I just kept pushing on.

Then after the 2 mile marker, I started feeling in my muscles the effects of the panic and it started wearing me down. I reached deep inside me and then said "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". That verse took on a whole new meaning today. The word "strength" was literally just what it meant. I needed strength to finish. So I kept saying it over and over.

I'd never been to this neighborhood before so I had no idea when the finish line was coming up. And that last mile seemed so long. I finally started seeing some of the runners who finished before me walking back towards us on the sidewalks so I knew I must be getting close. Then I finally saw the 3 mile marker and new the finish line was coming up soon so I kicked it up a notch and started running real hard and fast for the last 1/10th of a mile.

I was so excited to see the finish line. I was looking for my daughter who was waiting for me at the finish line. I wanted her to take pictures of me crossing the finish line but I couldn't find her anywhere. As I crossed the finish line I started crying again. I spotted her about 5 feet after I crossed the line. Whew! I did it! Then I swallowed the tears again. I ran to her and gave her a big hug and was so happy. Nothing could touch me then.

Wow, I still can't believe I did it.

Here are some memories:























This was me just before the race started (above). Can you tell I was excited!! :D

















Here's a glimps of how many women were there this morning. I couldn't see the end of the line.























This was me just after the race. Walking on cloud 9!























This was another one of me just after I crossed the finish line and spotted my daughter.

What a day!!!

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My trophie belt...

I haven't been posting much lately, because I haven't really been up to it. I'm becoming disillusioned again by this whole thing. I haven't been eating like I should. I've probably eaten an average of 24-28 points a day (I'm only supposed to have 22). I ate all my flex points before the weekend was up. I haven't exercised to speak of. I did two "aerobic" workouts from FitTV on demand. Both were very fluffy and less-than exciting. I'll bet I burned 100 calories each time I worked out.

It's been WAY too cold here to run. Each morning was between 30-35 degrees. I can't work out at the gym without hubby going (his membership, me his guest). So I really didn't have any activity points to add to my overages each day.

I've felt good with myself this week, though. I'm not happy about my weight loss, or rather my lack of weigh loss, but with myself, I'm okay.

I put on a pair of pants today that were WAY too huge on me, but they're the only ones that are "casual" that I could wear to the office and so I had to pull out a belt to help keep them up. The only belts I have are my size 26 belts. Being as I'm probably about a size 12, now, the holes were way too far out. I had to punch a new hole. Funny thing was, it was about 10 inches from the last hole I used when I was a fattie. I have to find a ruler or tape measure and measure the exact distance between the two holes.

Whatever it ended up being, it was WAY to huge of a belt. But I wore it anyways and showed it off to everyone I could at work.

I was proud of my big fat belt. It wrapped all the way around my waist and I had to tuck in into itself in the back.

It's things like that, that make me remember why I'm doing all of this.

I really couldn't believe that belt really ever fit me. But the evidence was in the stretched out hole that was 10 inches away from the new hole I punched this morning.

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What's in a number?

4.5


Would you like to take a guess at what that number is?

Pounds lost?

Nope.

Days left until the weekend?

Well, maybe, but nope.

Number of points I have left for the day?

Nope.

Would you believe the number of miles I ran this morning????!!!!

Ding, ding, ding, ding. That's right! You guessed it! Okay, with a little help from me, but what are friends for, right? :D

Can you believe that??!! Me, the one who a year ago was afraid she was going to die from jogging down the road just 30 feet. Me, who had panic attacks every time I took one step into a jog. Me, who has never beat any of the fears in her life. Me! That's right. Me! I ran FOUR AND A HALF MILES this morning!

Now, mind you, it wasn't the fastest 4.5 miles. It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to do it. I think I might have walked faster. :)

I burned almost 800 calories, too!

It was time to get up this morning and hubby didn't want to go to the gym. I said, goodie (to myself, mind you)! I'll go running outside. So I decided to take a route that I haven't done, walking that is, in maybe a year. I actually had to really work myself up to this route when I first started walking. Probably took me 6 months of steady walking before I was up to this route. It's actually only 3.75 miles, but I walked around my neighborhood once for a warm up (3/8ths of a mile) and once for a cool down (3/8ths of a mile).

It's a beautiful route—lakes and trees, residential and business. Too bad it's dark while I was running. Especially this morning because it was overcast. It's a very busy route, though. Major roads the whole way. So I'm safe and out in the open. Plus, there are two different cop stations along the way, too.

My iPod pooped out on me 16 minutes into the run. Ugh! I'd just gotten to a good part in the story of This American Life and it just died. I'd charged it the night before. Who knows why the battery went dead. I actually had to unplug it from the computer this morning before I left to go run, so I know it was fully charged. But the silence was nice. I focused on me, the trees, the wind, and prayers for my family and friends. Was very nice.

I don't think I want to do that every morning. I mean, it didn't wear me out. I felt the same at the end of the 4.5 miles as I did at the beginning. Very comfortable pace. I just don't want to overtax my body. I want to take this slow. I want to build up my body to be able to go for the long run. So I think I'll stick to 3 miles, or less, for now and maybe do a 4.5 mile run once a week until I'm more conditioned.

Hubby and I have worked out a great system for the mornings we go to the gym. He only likes to stay for a half hour and I want to stay for an hour, so what we've decided to do (actually my idea) was to go to the gym for a half hour and then as we get home, I'll just take out into the neighborhood for another half hour so I can get an hour of running in each morning. Where there's a will there's a way!

I went walking tonight after dinner—my usual 30 minutes after dinner. It was trash night so the neighbors had their trash out on the curbs. I saw some very interesting things tonight. There was a CD rack at one house, a computer monitor at another house, a perfectly good grill (looked like a gas one) at another one, and at another house was a kitchen sink. :D Yes, I saw everything including the kitchen sink while walking tonight. LOL

I earned 12 activity points today. Wow!

I've added a blog ticker up and to the right. I set a goal of running 100 miles—no time limit. I started it week before last. I'm up to 20.75 miles so far. Almost a quart of the way to goal. So exciting!

My eating was pretty good today. I've taken on a whole new outlook on food lately, with the help of Karyn. She's really been a good inspiration for me to get my thoughts about food straight. I'm learning to think of food as something wonderful from God but not something that I crave because it has some warped hold over me. I'm learning to enjoy food without having it rule my life. It'll be a long journey, but I'm taking baby steps to make my way through the first part. I really have to be conscious about my feelings and emotions when I'm eating. And then realign it to the right place. I can enjoy food without craving it and with it controlling my every thought. I know I can. It's still hard, because it's all still so instinctive to crave and depend on food to make things better for me. But I'm working at it. I'll get it. I know I will.

P.S. Hey, did you notice? I moved my Healthy You Challenge badge back up to 90 pounds!!! I'm truly only 8/10ths of a pound away from 95 pounds gone. I'm getting close!!

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Last Chance Workout!

Tomorrow's weigh in so this morning was my "last chance workout". Though I'm sure it wasn't as hard as those poor people on Biggest Loser doing their last chance workout. In fact, I know it wasn't. But it was a last chance workout for me. That's for sure.

And what a victory it was!

I did something this morning I've been wanting to do for over a year. I finally worked my self up to where I could run outside of our community. So far, I've only been running around the loop in our community (each loop being 3/8ths of a mile). I knew I'd get bored with it, but it's where I have to start.

My community gives me the comfort and the courage to be able to walk, bike, or run distances. And I recommend this to everyone—if you can't start in a gym, find somewhere you can start walking or running that's not far from home. Or choose small distances from home so it's not overwhelming.

When I first started walking, I would only go one lap around my community and I worked myself up to being able to take it outside. I didn't want to pass out from exhaustion on a major thoroughfare. Plus, if I kept it close to home, I could quit whenever I felt I was overdoing it. But once you commit yourself to walking a certain distance in one direction, you always have to be able to make it back home that same distance.

So I'd finally worked up my endurance and my courage to run out in the real world this morning. And what I did was run a huge loop around my part of the city. I've been walking this route for the past year and I've tried running on it, but only for maybe 20-50 feet at a time. I remember the first time I decided to see if I could run, I was probably 50 pounds heavier than I am now, and I only ran about 20 feet and I literally thought I was seriously (for real) going to die—I had to stop after 20 feet. My fear overwhelmed me. It was a long time before I'd try it again.

But now I know I won't die so I wasn't afraid at all to go as far as I did. The loop I took was a 3-mile loop. And what a victory.

I ran the whole way!

I still can't believe I did it. This was a HUGE day for me!

When I first started out, I was listening to Nichole Nordeman's Brave CD (here's a link to her MySpace if you want to listen to some of her music—she's my favorite Christian artist). The first song, while I was still doing my 5-minute warm up, was Brave. Listen to these lyrics:

You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave

Isn't that an amazing song to hear as you start out to embark on an adventure that you're a little nervous about? From that point on, I had absolutely no fear at all. I felt so brave.

After my 5-minute warm up, I headed outside the community and started down the first big road. I felt fine. Calm. Relaxed. Breathing low.

Then I noticed as I passed by a street sign and got a big smile on my face. That street sign used to be my first marker for a quarter mile when I first started walking. I knew if I walked to that sign, it was an eighth of a mile so if I turned around and went home at that point, I knew I'd walked a quarter mile. I ran past it.

Then I came to the half mile street sign. It was a speed limit sign. I ran past it.

Then the one-mile sign. Was a cross roads. I blazed past it with a big smile on my face.

I was really doing this. I was really running past my old walking benchmarks. And I felt fine.

I blazed past the 2-mile marker, which was 1 mile from home and a major cross roads (4-lanes both directions). But then just after that, I thought I wasn't going to make it. I had started day dreaming and wasn't focused on my music. I started getting bored. And that made me feel tired.

Then I kicked myself in the butt and started focusing on the music and her wonderful lyrics and didn't look back. After that was no turning around because if I did, it would take me longer to go back the direction I'd come from than to just finish the huge 3-mile lap.

I still can't believe I did it!

I'm so signing up for that 5K. It took me 40 minutes to run the 3 miles this morning so I know I won't win any prizes in the 5K but at least I know, now, that I CAN do it!

Actually, after I got back to my community, I really felt like I could keep going. I wasn't tired. I was breathing low. I felt fine. I think I might have gotten bored with it, though, if I went around for another 3 miles. I think that's going to be my major stumbling block is the boredom. I remember how bored I got with walking. That's why I had to find walking buddies. How do you stop from being bored. Am I the only one who get's bored exercising?

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