Rapid Weight Gain

I had a rough weigh-in last week. I gained 2.8 pounds but the worst part was I was completely shocked about it.

You know how sometimes you gain weight but you expect it. Maybe you cheated a little too much during the week and you know you're going to be up.

But I was thrown off guard by this gain. Two week prior to the weigh in, I was on a week-long vacation where I indulged a little. Not much, but 3 nights I had dessert and 4 days I ate things I normally wouldn't. All-in-all, not horrible. I was expecting to gain a few pounds from this eating behavior.

I didn't weigh in after I got back from vacation because I knew I'd be up a few pounds, so instead I hunkered down and stayed on plan for the next week. The thought was that whatever few pounds I gained while I was on vacation I'd be able to get off over the course of the following week.

Well, it didn't work.

Or maybe it did.

Maybe I gained more than a few pounds on vacation. I didn't weigh myself when I got back, I don't weigh myself at home any more. Only at Weight Watchers. What if I gained several pounds? What if I gained 10 pounds? Over the course of just ONE WEEK?!?!

Say it ain't so!!

Is my metabolism so screwed up from all of the dieting (lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight....) that it no longer knows how to gain just a little bit from indulging?

I read an article in the New York Times that mentioned how Danny Cayhill had gaining 100 pounds back over the five years since he won Biggest Loser. This quote from Danny, in the article, shocked me the most:

“All my friends were drinking beer and not gaining massive amounts of weight,” Mr. Cahill said. “The moment I started drinking beer, there goes another 20 pounds. I said, ‘This is not right. Something is wrong with my body.’”

Do you think this might be what happened to me?

We're all in this together... Thank goodnes...

So, okay, I realize it's been since July 29th since I've last blogged (well, before yesterday, which wasn't really a blog post). I really hate myself for not blogging because so much happens from day to day and I really do need to blog it. It helps me be able to process things better and understand what's happening to me and I know it helps others who are going through the same things.

So this is me kicking myself in the pants to get myself to blog more often. (ouch!)

As of today, I am 4.6 lbs away from my Weight Watchers goal. Last week I was 3.8 lbs away. So, yes, I gained 8/10ths of a pound this past week. I have no idea why and frankly I just don't care to analyze it to figure out why. All I know is I ate what I was supposed to and I exercises like I was supposed to. So there. Nuf sed!

I know last week at Weight Watchers I wasn't that happy. They were talking about hiding when you eat what you're not supposed to and then hiding the evidence of it after you're done with it. I don't know about you guys, but I've been doing that my whole life. I can't count how many times I'd get an extra hamburger from the drive through and eat it before I got home where I'd eat my "regular" meal with my family. Or I'd eat an entire bag of chips and dip at lunch time, then shove the evidence of them to the bottom of the trash bag so no one would be the wiser. And I can't tell you how many times I've done this type of thing since I started Weight Watchers 3 1/2 years ago.

In fact, here's a blog about my last big fall. Though this was not the last time I've done something like this. I don't know if I'll ever be free of that monkey. But I can at least acknowledge that it happens. At least there's that.

But the thing that upset me so much about the meeting last week was that I felt like I was the only one who did this. There were others in the class who seemed so genuinely confused about the whole process and couldn't imagine actually hiding what they were eating or any evidence of it after they'd eaten it. Now, my husband said that maybe no one wanted to admit it out loud because of the humiliation of it all. And maybe that is what it was, but I just felt like I was as odd as a purple winged banana flying over a big pile of tie-died chocolate leaves. I felt so ashamed that I could possibly be the only one who did this.

Then this past week (yesterday) at Weight Watchers was much better. There was a lady there who seemed to be going through the same thing I went through a little more than a year ago with my self-sabotaging. It really started about a year and a half ago when I realize I was subconsciously telling myself that I wasn't good enough to be thin. Kind of a weird concept, now, but at the time it was so devastating that I could actually purposefully do something to sabotage my health and happiness. But I did it (and still do it sometimes). Whenever things would be going good and I'd be losing weight and feeling good, I'd derail my success by eating a TON of food and gaining alot of my hard earned losses back. Just crazy. But I kept doing it over and over until I, first, realized it and, secondly, did something about it. Brought it out into the open and told it that it couldn't not control my life any more.

Anyway, it was so nice being able to help someone else with these same feelings. She had already lost 150 lbs and I think she still had another hundred to go and she had never been thin a day in her life, even as a child. So now that she was looking and feeling so much better than she ever had, she wasn't allowing herself to feel good about that. She was still wanting to hide behind the fat that wasn't there any more. She wasn't feeling worthy of her loss.

Weird how we do that. We work so hard and get such great results, but then we won't allow ourselves to accept the outcome. We still feel like we didn't do anything. Or that we still have so far to go that we don't acknowledge how far we've come.

It was neat because I noticed that our leader just sat back and let us talk it through. There were others who had other problems that we all talked through, too. Was so nice to be able to help each other like that.

You know, that's what Weight Watchers is really all about for me. It's the sense of togetherness and knowing that we're all going through the same thing or have been through the same thing. We're not alone and we want to help each other get through it all. And that's why I love this blog, too. I love sharing what I've been through and am going through because you guys help me work through it and by you helping me, you're helping yourself as well. We have an unseen connection that ties us all together and helps us pull each other along.

Weight loss is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And I'm so glad I'm not alone.

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6 Pounds from Goal...

Here I sit... 6 pounds from goal.

6 pounds...

6 pounds might as well be 50. I can't believe the week I've had.

I've actually gained 5 pounds since last Saturday's weigh in. So technically, I'm 11 pounds from goal. What the heck!?

For no reason, I decided to have pizza Tuesday night. That wouldn't have been so bad, but I had 2 cheesy bread sticks and about 8 or 10 of those Hershey's Chocolate Dunkers from Pizza Hut. The picture says it all.


Then for another "no reason at all" we decided to splurge last night and went out for steak. We haven't been out to eat in SO long (other than the obligatory Saturday lunch with the in-laws) in forEVER.


Steak wouldn't have been all that bad if I didn't get the buttery mashed potatoes to go with it and the salad with chipotle ranch dressing and the cheese fries as an appetizer (of course, loaded with bacon and cheese and TONs of ranch dressing).


Why?


No reason in particular. I guess I was just feeling particularly self-destructive.


I've eaten sensible since then. But I think I've done too much damage to be repaired in time for Saturday morning's weigh in.


I don't get it. I know what to do and I just don't do it. And I take no pleasure in it whatsoever.


Does this ever happen to you? What do you guys do when you do this? Please help me get past this. I just want to be at goal. I've been 10 pounds away from goal since a year ago this month. Now that I'm getting so close, why is this happening. I just want to be done!

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I've always been afraid that I would run out of food...

I'm heading down the same pathway I've traveled before. I recognize the trees and the houses along the side of the road. This route is so familiar to me, I could travel it blindfold.

But thank goodness the blindfolds are off.

All week, I've been having craving after craving. I've been thinking about a big, thick, juicy cheeseburger ... and my favorite snack, chips and dip ... and chocolate cake (which is weird, because I'm usually more of a vanilla cake type of person) ... and real macaroni & cheese ..., and onion rings ... and a baked potato with TONS of real sour cream and real butter ... and cupcake pops (if you've never heard of these before, check them out on my Facebook page, they're oh so yummy!) ... and donuts (yes, donuts again) ... and McDonald's sausage biscuit w/cheese & hash browns ... and real pancakes (not the healthy kind) with gobs of butter and syrup and powdered sugar ... and, well, I could go on and on but I think I'll stop for now.

Suffice it to say, I've had A LOT of cravings lately.

Why am I having these cravings?

Because I'm trying to sabotage myself again. I'm getting ever so close to a goal again and for some reason I have this "sabotage mechanism" that kicks in telling me that I can't do it. Telling me, "you're sacrificing too much, you need a reward."

The thing of it is, though, that I'm seeing clearly now for the first time and I am not really sacrificing. I'm not. Like tonight, I had a small plate of homemade spaghetti. And, because I knew it would haunt me if I didn't eat it, I had about 2 tablespoons of left over homemade mac & cheese from last night. I knew if I didn't eat it, it would be calling my name until I ate some of it.

So I'm doing this the right way, I'm allowing myself to have what I want, I'm just keeping it under control. Like, tonight, when I put the spaghetti on my plate, I piled it on. Because that's my sabotage mechanism kicking in. I was saying to myself, "go ahead, you've been good, indulge". Just when I was about to start eating, I looked at the plate and said "what are you doing?! you don't need that much spaghetti!!" And I was right, I would be completely satisfied with half that much. So I scooped half of it back in the pot and was completely satisfied with that much.

Speaking of being satisfied, I've really been focusing in on this lately. I'm so used to eating what I put on my plate, not matter how hungry I was. I'm used to piling it on and eating until it's gone. I've spent my entire life practicing that plan. But lately I've been asking myself why. And I'll be honest with you, I never thought I'd arrive at this place.

I mean, ever since I started Weight Watchers (almost 3 years ago), I've been at war with myself about the fact that I'll never be able to eat what I want and as much as I want for the rest of my life. I've cried about it and blogged about it. And honestly always thought it would be something I'd just have to live with.

But I'm just learning that I can still eat whatever I want, just not a ton of it, and I can still be happy. I remember when I first joined Weight Watcher and Ned said I could eat whatever I wanted on Weight Watchers. I thought to myself, at first, this is cool. But then after a year or so of not really eating what I wanted--or rather the amount of food I wanted--it started really ticking me off. I felt like I'd been bamboozled. Sure, I can eat anything I want, but I just can't have as much as I want. That doesn't sound right to me.

But now I'm learning that I don't really need to eat "as much as I want". I've really been focusing on my portions, lately, and noticing how satisfied I am. You know, they say there are 3 stages of fullness--satisfied, full and stuffed. I've always been somewhere between full and stuffed, with the needle leaning closer to stuffed, to feel happy. But I'm realizing that satisfied is taking on a whole new meaning.

See, I'd always thought that stuffed meant that everything was okay and I didn't have to worry that my food wouldn't be there later for me. If the food was there now, and I ate as much of it as possible, I wouldn't have to worry about it not being there later. I've always had a fear that I would run out of food. In fact, for years, I had to keep my cupboard doors open so I could see the food in there when I walked through the house. That's a hard one to overcome. And I don't claim to have beaten it. But I sure have taken one giant step towards winning the battle by realizing that if I get hungry later, I can eat more food later.

What a concept.

If I get hungry later, I can eat more later.

I don't know why that has never occurred to me before. How can something so simple be so elusive. The funny thing is that I've heard that over the past few years but I didn't believe it. I was still afraid the food would be gone later.

Now I know that satisfied is a great place to be. And I feel so happy that I've finally figured that one out.

As for my overdose of sodium last Sunday that caused 4 lbs of water retention, I've gotten all but about a half a pound of it off. Now my goal is to just NOT gain. Before, I wanted to lose the 6/10ths (or was it 4/10th) by this Saturday. Now I just want to NOT gain. I think that's a noble goal, don't you?

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Please, I don't want to sabotage myself again...

I did something really stupid this past weekend and I'm really hating myself for it. And no, it wasn't eating the Texas sheet cake. :)

Sunday night I fixed a big bowl of air popped popcorn. Good, right? Well, not the way I fixed it. I usually spray it with butter flavored Pam and a little salt. But this time, I sprayed it with alot of Pam and a TON of salt. It was SOOO good!!! Just like I like it.

But now I'm retaining water!! I'm up 4 pounds!!!

I have been doing great other than that. I only had 22 points on Saturday and 21 points on Sunday, not counting the chocolate cake and popcorn. Those I put towards my 36 flex points. Yesterday and today, both 21 points. No salt at all. Just fresh fruits, whole grains, oils, dairy, and protein & fiber. I've been drinking a little extra water trying to flush the sodium out of my system, too.

I really hope the salt lets go of me soon. I don't want to carry these 4 pounds through the end of this week.

I've really set myself up for failure, you know? All I have is 4/10ths of a pound to my goal and I've brag all about how I'm GOING to do it this week. Ugh!! Why do I keep doing that to myself!!!???

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Progress is sometimes a kick in the pants...

Okay, first things first... I lost 1.6 pounds last week!!! YAY!!!! That's 2 weeks in a row, now, that I've lost weight! I'm so excited!!!

I was really aiming to just break even. All week I kept losing a pound then gaining it back then losing it and gaining it. By Friday, the pound had stayed off. Then by Saturday morning, when I weighed in, I'd managed to keep it off plus another 6th of a pound. So YAY!!

I really think that hard workout that I did on Wednesday really helped out (or was it Thursday?). Anyways, I need to do that again this week, but more often. I was going to workout again at lunch today but couldn't. Had an errand to run. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it tomorrow either because my pup has something wrong with one of her ears (she keeps a lop-sided head and keeps shaking her head alot). So I'll take her to the vet tomorrow during lunch, but I hope I can workout on Wednesday and then maybe again on Thursday or Friday. I'll let you know how it goes.

Now onto something a little more depressing. I don't know if you guys have ever heard of the 50 Million Pound Challenge or not, but I signed up for it at the beginning of the year. I haven't really done anything with it, but at the time I signed up I had high hopes of joining a community of people geared to losing weight. I guess that's what I have Weight Watcher's for, so that's probably why I never really got into it that much. Anyway, they sent me an email the other day reminding me to stop by their website to update my progress. So I clicked the button that went to their website and it asked me to log in. So I did. And the first thing it says is to enter my current weight. So I did. Guess what it did next??

It kicked me in the gut!!

Check it out... this is what it said:





How depressing is that?!?!

I don't even know what to say about that. I really don't want to focus on it too much, but man what a blow! I mean, I lost 1.6 pounds last week and 1 pound the previous week. So sometime between Jan 20th and 3 weeks ago, I lost a whopping 4/10th of a pound.

Ugh!

Keep your mind out of that self-defeating attitude, Cara! You don't need to keep dwelling on your failures! Please help me stay focused on my recent losses and my recent exercise victories (ever how small they both are).

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Does life really have to revolve around a cupcake?

Okay, so today I was back on track.

I had my oatmeal with soy milk and honey for breakfast. I had a left over pork chop with a small baked potato (with Molly McButter) for lunch and for dinner was a green salad (with only vinegar dressing) and a slice of cheese pizza.

Okay, confession time. I had a cupcake tonight. Although it's not for the reason you think.

My daughter came over tonight to make cupcakes with me. She turned 20 last week and I didn't get to see her on her birthday. This is the first time EVER since she was born that I didn't get to see her on her birthday. For her birthday, I had wanted to make her some cupcakes—her new favorite kind. I call them "Cinnamon Butter Cupcakes". They're a butter cupcake with cinnamon butter cream icing. Killer! They're fast becoming my favorite cupcakes too. But she was busy all last week so we couldn't.

Anyway, she's the one who had the idea to come over tonight and bake cupcakes. I have to admit, though, that the cupcake didn't take me by surprise. I had already planned on having one. But I'm only having just that one. She only took 8 or 9 with her which leaves a dozen and a half. But hubby and I are splitting them up and taking them to work.

I will not eat another one.

The experience was what I was really enjoying when I ate the cupcake. I didn't let the cupcakes cool before I iced 2 of them for us. I don't usually do that because the icing will slide right off the cake before it cools. But I did that so we could both enjoy it fresh and hot together.

It was a great experience.

I sure hope I'm not teaching her bad habits. She's so skinny. And she's worked hard at it. She doesn't want to be fat like me, or rather like I used to be.

Anyways, the rest of the day was just as I'd planned. No splurges and I feel great about it.

I want to thank you guys for your support. Your words mean so much to me. It really helps me put things in perspective. And I love that there are so many different points of view when you guys comment. I sometimes feel like I'm at a group therapy session or something and there are you guys all circled around me giving me feedback based of your experiences. Very helpful.

I am trying to figure out what the root of all this is. I used to think it was because I didn't think I was worth success. The first time I sabotaged myself last fall, I did feel inadequate. I didn't feel like I was worth the success. But I really feel I've moved past that. Now I'm not sure what it is. I'm just going to have to keep looking for the answers.

I'll find them. I know I will.

With every rise, there comes a fall...

Okay, so I have some good news, or rather some great news, and then I have some bad news, or rather some horrible news.

Good news first.

Weigh in yesterday morning: Drum roll please....

I lose 4 POUNDS!!!

You guys were right. Those stress pounds came right off. Man, I'm so happy. I was so afraid those 4.8 pounds I gained week before last was going to take me weeks or even months to get off. I mean, I've only lost 8.6 pounds since the beginning of the year so at that rate, it'd take me over 2 months to take it back off. So I'm so ecstatic!!!

Or, at least I was.

Now for the bad news.

It's bad.

It's really bad.

I had an absolutely HORRIBLE weekend, food-wise.

I think I've gained those 4 pounds back. Why oh why do I do this!!!??? Can you hear me screaming right now? I haven't weight myself yet, but I will tomorrow morning. And I'm not looking forward to it.

I don't know why I did this. Why do I always do this?!

I ate the whole box of donuts Saturday morning just after weigh in. Well, almost the whole box. It was minus a half a donut from when I had my mini, controlled splurge Friday at lunch.

I had lasagna last night for dinner.

I had a piece of coconut cream pie for lunch today.

And the cherry on top of my pigging out weekend was the bag of Cheetos I scoffed down about an hour ago.

My stomach feels horrible. I feel so queasy. I've felt this way all weekend. I don't know what to do. I don't even know who I am any more. I mean, who in their right mind does this to themselves—intentionally. Am I doomed to sabotage my weight loss efforts for the rest of my life? Is this cycle ever going to end?

Kathy (my weigh in lady from WW) told me not to look at my weigh in book this week so I wouldn't wee those lost 4 pounds so that I wouldn't sabotage myself again. But I guess I didn't need to see the numbers in the book, I went ahead and sabotaged myself anyways.

It's almost like every time I lose big it gives me permission to splurge in a big way. It's like I have this leeway or something. It's like, 'whew, I lost that huge amount of weight, now I can just take it easy and indulge for a while because I have a huge buffer to fall back on'. Who does that?

I don't know where to go from here. Will I ever stop this cycle? I've been doing it fairly consistently for over 2 years now. You'd think I would have stopped by now.

So this week is going to be exercise hell for me. I didn't get to go biking this morning, but every night this week I'm going to have to burn a lot of calories. Heck, I might even get up early each morning and do a Shred workout (if I can drag my lazy butt out of bed each morning).

You know... I was only 1.2 pounds away from a paper clip??

I suck!

I thoroughly suck!!