Is it okay to be fat?

I just finished watching the Biggest Loser and was SO sad to see Dina go home. She's been my favorite since the beginning. I don't understand why they voted her off. She wasn't the lowest percentage of weight loss this week. She didn't do or say anything negative to anyone. I'm baffled.

One thing that so touched me, mainly because I can totally identify, was Shay going to the gym once she was at home. She felt so self aware walking around. She said she could feel all the eyes on her all thinking 'what's she doing here' and 'she doesn't belong here'. I know so many of us can identify with that.

For years, that's how I walked through life. I was so embarrassed to be in the skin I was in. I just knew people were always looking at me with disgust. I could feel the judgments just from the quick glances. I became real good at hiding in my own skin. No wonder I developed a horrible self image.

I used to hate it when I would walk up to the end of the line at the grocery store and the person in front of me would instinctively turn around just to see who walked up behind them. It's something quite simple and natural. We all want to be aware of your surroundings. And we've all done it a million times and probably not thought anything of it. But for me, I felt so violated by their quick glance. Because I just knew that quick glance was sizing me up perfectly.

First, they'd see how huge I was, then they'd naturally take a peek at what was in my basket or cart and the first sign of junk food would solidify in their mind why I was a big fat lazy slob. I just knew they were secretly rolling their eyes in disgust at how fat I was and saying 'man, what a pig' or 'no wonder she's as big as a cow, look at all that junk she's buying' or even 'if she wasn't so lazy and she bought healthy food, she wouldn't be as big as a house'.

Now, granted, they probably weren't thinking such horrible things, but it sure felt like it to me. And I think if you look deep inside yourself, you'll see that you've probably had similar (secret) feelings like this yourself whenever you've seen someone who's obese maybe buying junky food or eating horrible food.

Why do we do this? Think about how society as a whole shuns the obese. We look at them as if they've got some sort of contagious disease. 'Don't come around me, you're not cool.' How many kids in school get ridiculed beyond belief because of their size.

Is it because they're different? I know we don't like to be the 'odd man out'. We don't want to be the last one picked. We want to be appreciated and loved by everyone. Is that it?

Or is this some sort of natural preservation type of instinct. Is the reason we look at the obese with such disgust some sort of ingrained thought pattern created so we won't want to be obese ourselves?

I don't know, but I do know that I look at the obese in a WHOLE new light now that I'm not among them any more. I have such empathy for exactly where they are—emotionally and physically.

In fact, every time I see someone who is more than a hundred pounds overweight, my heart goes out to them. I just want to run up to them and say "you can do this, you can lose the weight that I know you so desperately want to do". And then I want to say "here, let me help you." I mean, I did it, right? I just want to whisper in their ear that I've done it and they can too.

Why don't I?

I think I keep thinking back to when I was that size and thinking about how I would react if someone came up to me and dared say "don't you want to lose weight and feel happy and healthy again?". Oh my gosh! I would have been appalled. How dare someone say I am fat! Who the heck do they think they are?! I know that's how I would have taken it. I wouldn't have seen a compassionate arm extended at all.

So I'm left looking at them from a distance and crying inside knowing that they'd be so much happier if they just lost some weight.

Which brings me back to what I first started talking about. Why is it so bad to be fat? Why is it so horrible? I mean, put all medical ailments aside. Because for me, I've always been perfectly healthy—no high blood pressure, no high sugar, no high cholesterol, no joint pains, no nothing. So I'm sure there are many obese people out there exactly like I was. So what's so wrong with being fat? Sure, it looks bad, but why? Why does it look bad to be fat? And why can't we get over this mentality?

I don't think we were meant to get over the instinctual feeling that being fat is bad. I think that's something ingrained in our beings because not everyone is like me—healthy fat. The majority of us have horrible medical problems that we would not have if we weren't fat.

So what about the people who say "be happy in the skin you're in". That can be a completely healthy outlook, right? It sure can help us through a tough time in our lives. But I think there's a big difference between being happy with what we look like and being happy with being fat. I fooled myself with this one for so many years. My husband was always supportive of me no matter what my weight. He said he'd love me no matter how big or small I was. So I took this as my license to be "happy in the skin I was in". I was fooling myself.

I was not happy.

Being fat is not happy. No matter how you twist it or turn it into something else. It's not fun. It's not happy. It's not comfortable.

It's horrible. I don't ever want to be fat again. And if there's anything I can do to help anyone out there to get past that 'happy in the skin you're in' phase they're going through I want to do it. That's one of the main reasons I started this blog. I want to help everyone I can to lose weight. I just can't approach them like I want to. I have to wait for you to come to me.

Is any of this making sense? I sometimes feel like I'm just rambling nonsensical—wax poetic, if you will.

Hump day and exercise... a great combination!

This week's been going good, so far. I haven't exercised that much. I had no excuse on Sunday, I should have gone for a bike ride, but I didn't. Monday I woke up with a sore throat and by lunch time I was sporting a mighty fever. I stayed home after lunch and slept the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at around 5:30pm and my fever was gone. Yay! My throat was mildly sore. I went to bed around 10pm and couldn't for the life of me get to sleep.

I tried reading, which usually puts me right to sleep... nothing. I laid there in bed for 2 hours with the lights out listening to soothing music and still couldn't get to sleep. I finally gave up and went into the living room to read some more, still not drowsy. I surfed the net and got caught up on reading all my cupcake blogs that I've been meaning to read for weeks, still not drowsy. I watched an old movie I'd seen before, still not drowsy. I finally went to bed around 6am but still couldn't get to sleep. I texted my boss at 8am to say I wouldn't be in and FINALLY I fell asleep. I slept til around noon then got up and went into work.

So no exercising Monday or Tuesday. Needless to say I was whipped Tuesday night. I was so paranoid that I wouldn't be able to sleep last night that I took one of my husband's Tylenol PMs which put me right out. BUT, I was so horribly groggy until lunch time today.

But I woke up enough to do level #2 of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred at lunch time. Here's a sample video showing a little bit of all 3 levels. I've spent the last 2 weeks on level 1. This was my first time trying level 2. I think I'm going to need more than 2 weeks to master level 2. Man! It kicked my butt! I couldn't finish. I pooped out about 3 or 4 minutes before cool down. She was doing some wicked tough moves!

I'm going to try it again tomorrow.

I received a package in the mail from Yoplait (pictured) that has a yoga mat (along with a coupon for a free yogurt and a autographed book from Nancy O'Dell, which I'll tell you more about later) that I've been using in my workouts lately. I really love it.

And I don't know about you guys but I love Yoplait yogurt. I tried a new flavor the other day that was outa this world: apple turnover. It was SO good! It was only 2 points and didn't taste fat free at all. Plus it has lots of Vitamin D, which I know I need more of in my diet. Especially now that I've started working out more. The bones in my upper arms had been sore alot lately. I started taking a multivitamin that has lots of Vitamin D in it too and my arms don't hurt as much as they used to.

I'll let you know how my workouts go the rest of the week. Oh, and check back with me because I've decided I'm going to do my first ever contest with a free giveaway. I'll tell you guys the details soon. It should be fun! I've always loved participating in other blog giveaways. Now I'm going to have one of my very own. =D

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Diggin deep and uncovering... me.

Weigh in this morning... I lost 8/10ths of a pound. Not quite the 7 pounds I lost last week, but I'm still just as excited for the 8/10ths as I was for the 7, that's for sure.

Although a small trophy, my 8/10ths trophy was earned from my diligent efforts this week:

• I tracked everything I ate (in my new cutsie food journal notebook)
• I exercised 6 times

But the most important thing I did this week was keep it all in perspective. I had a conversation with my (adult) daughter last night to explain what's been going on in my head so far as my attitude towards food lately and it felt good explaining these things out loud.

I feel like I've finally found the keys to the kingdom. I've gone through so many ups and downs since I started this wretched journey 2 1/2 years ago. I've gone from great successes on to subconscious sabotage because I was not worthy of the successes on to total complacency, and finally into my recent bout with the fear that I'll never be able to eat the way I want to for the rest of my life. And it's all brought me to the realization that my love for food isn't going to run my life any more. That was such a hard one to come to terms with.

I mean, first, it's realizing that my food addiction is just that. Now, mind you, I do not throw that phrase around lightly—food addiction. I think some of us use it as a crutch. I know I have for years. It makes it sound so much better when it sounds like it's not our fault that we eat like a cow. If feels good to hide behind an "illness" or something that is beyond our control. But the thing about an addiction—as with all addictions—is that they can be broken. If an alcoholic can quit drinking after 40 years, if a smoker can quit smoking a pack a day since they were 12, then that only leads me to believe that a food addict should be able to break the addiction, right?

My excuse has always been... but how does one break an addiction to food?? It's like telling an alcoholic that they must stop the addiction, but then they have to take one drink three times a day for the rest of their life. But break the addiction! Yea, right! Right?

With an addiction to something that our body needs to survive, it has to be different. It has to move from a physical reaction to the food to a mental, emotional and spiritual response. At least it has to for me.

So first, I had to start looking deep within my soul for exactly what "food addiction" meant to me. I had to put the crutch aside and dig deep to see what my reaction to food is. What is it about food that made me become addicted?

The taste, first and foremost. The texture. The smell. Those were obvious signs.

But what is it about the food that makes me crave it with every breath I take? Start at the beginning... when I first think about the food. I picture it in my head. I imagine what it smells like. I start wondering how satisfied I'll feel once I have it. (By the way, one of the tools you use to lose weight, is to plan ahead. Make smart choices long before the food is in front of you. Difficult to do for me, because that's when the dreaming started. But I'll go on.)

After that, I see the food. It looks amazing because I know how it's going to taste and how my body is going to respond to it. I smell it. I start anticipating it. I want it immediately. Immediately!

Then comes the best part... that first taste. But that was the key point for my discover and ultimate control over the addiction. The taste was the satisfaction part, sure, but I had to sit in that moment for a while. At every first bite, the food first passed my lips and rested on my tongue and I would pause and close my eyes, if even just for a brief second, to relish the taste and sensation and satisfaction. I'd take a deep breath so I could breath in the food at the same time as I was tasting it. I'd feel a complete warmth come over my body. A sensation like no other. A sensation that rivals sexual pleasure. When that warmth comes over my body, I feel it in every pore of my skin, in every cell of my blood, in every sensor I have in my body. The ultimate feeling of intense satisfaction and what I like to call "the world is right again."

This is the place where I was able to meet my addiction head on. This addiction was turning something that God had intended for us as fuel and sustenance into a perverse feeling of pleasure and profound contentment. I was confusing the body's natural reaction to being refueled and re-energized, which provoked the same exact feelings, with an emotional and spiritual reaction. Food was not meant to be an emotional reaction! It was meant to be a physical one.

So then it hit me. Dieting isn't about my body at all. It's not about my physical characteristics. For me, dieting is about, or rather should be about, retraining my body to react as God had intended. For me to turn my feelings and reactions back into physical responses.

Man that was a tough one. I really didn't think it was possible to turn my addiction to food—from which I draw the strength to keep living—back into what it should be, a physical response to nutrients filling my body's needs.

So here I sit, with this newly found realization, which I hope makes sense to you, and what I'm having to do is dig deep with every approaching meal to keep all that I've learned in the front of my head and in perspective. So that before every bite, before my every thought of food, that I remember that the food is to service my body, not my mind, heart or spirit.

It sounds so crazy to think that anyone could have feelings towards food that involve the mind, heart or spirit. I mean, good grief, it's food for crying out loud, it's not a spiritual experience or intellectual interaction or a heartfelt discussion. It's food! Fuel for the body. Sustenance. Nothing more.

So as I was sitting there trying to explain that all to my daughter, it felt good. She was proud of me. I felt so silly for a minute because here she is 20 years old and she already knew all of this. She's never had to deal with any addictions in her life. For me, by the age of 20, I was already fully addicted to food, but I had no clue that I was. But to see her smile at me and be so happy that I've learned this meant the world to me.

Has any of this that I've said make sense to you? Does it sound like alot of hooey? Does it sound like some psychobabble to cover up my overwhelming desires to eat everything in site? Does it sound twisted and nonsensical? Is this just me trying to create a cover up for the real problem—that I love food too much?

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I found some great food...

I don't usually blog just about food, but I had two really good things yesterday that were so yummy and surprisingly low in points.

The first was at lunch. I went to Panera. I had an old stand by—turkey on wheat. But before I went, I looked at their website to see how healthy this is, because you and I know that turkey is turkey, but who knows about the bread or any of the "toppings" that come on it.

The first thing I have to say is that the sandwich was AMAZING!!!! The turkey was so tender and juicy. And it came (99% fat-free) smoked turkey breast, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, spicy mustard, salt and pepper (and I asked for no mayo).

And the bread was STELLAR!! On their website, it showed that they have a whole grain bread. I know, "whole grain" sounds so totally opposite from "stellar", right? Well, this one was the best whole grain bread I've ever had. It tasted like it was fresh out of the oven (which it probably was) and it was so moist and flavorful. It wasn't dry and crumbly. (I'm considering going back there and buying a loaf for my sandwiches at home.)

Best of all, the sandwich was only 5 points!!!

Then for dinner, I tried a WW recipe I've been wanting to try for a while—Chicken Pot Pie. I don't know about you, but I miss chicken pot pie. It used to be such a staple for me. You could get the little frozen pies at the grocery store for less than a dollar and they were so darn yummy!

The recipe was surprisingly easy, though it did take more than the 15 minutes of prep time that was stated at the top of the recipe. And oh my gosh was it yummy! It didn't taste like it was missing anything. Didn't taste low fat or low calories at all.

Best of all, one serving was only 5 points!!!

Though I have to admit, I overindulged and had 2 servings, but it was okay, because I did have 10 points left for dinner. I used a couple of flex points for my fudge bar dessert. :)

Here's the recipe if you guys want to try it. You can substitute the white wine for apple juice, apple cider or chicken or beef broth but I recommend splurging on the wine. I had to buy a bottle because we don't drink white wine and I only spent $6 on the bottle. I'll have it for next time I make this—cause I know I will! Also, I substituted a bag of frozen mixed veggies (peas, carrots and corn) for the carrots, peas and corn the recipe called for. I just cooked them in the microwave for a couple of minutes before adding them to the recipe (that way there wouldn't be any added water). Oh, and I'd also never cooked with Phyllo dough before. It was very good. It came in a long rectangular sheets all rolled up. I had to defrost them on the stove while I was cooking the chicken. Then I laid the dough over top of the casserole and just cut the edges of the rectangle off to the shape of my dish then I just threw the extra pieces on top and it turned out perfect!

Chicken Pot Pie

Partly skimmed evaporated milk makes an excellent replacement for cream-based sauces. Keep a few cans in your kitchen and experiment with it in your favorite creamy recipes.

1 pound uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breast
2 cups water
1/2 cup wine, dry white
2 cubes chicken bouillon cube, crumbled
2 medium carrots, chopped
1 cup frozen green peas 2 tsp olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped 3 Tbsp white all-purpose flour
5 oz fat-free evaporated milk
15 1/4 oz canned white corn, drained
6 sheets phyllo dough

• Place chicken, water, wine and bouillon cubes in a medium pan. Bring to a boil, lower heat and cook gently, uncovered for 15 minutes. Remove from heat and allow to cool. Set aside one cup of broth and chop chicken into chunks.
  
  
• Preheat oven to 400ºF (200ºC). Coat a deep 8-inch (20cm) pie dish with cooking spray. (I used a medium sized casserole dish and it worked just fine)
  
  
• Microwave carrots and peas for 2 minutes. Drain. Heat oil in a medium nonstick pan, add onions and cook until soft. Stir in flour and cook over low heat for 2 minutes.
  
  
• Remove pan from heat and stir in milk and reserved broth. Return to heat and cook, stirring, until mixture boils and thickens. Add carrots, peas, chicken and corn.
  
  
• Pour chicken into prepared dish. Layer sheets of phyllo over pie, trim edges and press down firmly to seal. Lightly coat with cooking spray. Bake for 10 minutes, lower temperature to 350ºF (180ºC) and bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes more.

Physical? Or emotional, spiritual and intellectual?

Drum roll, please...

I lost 7.2 pounds this week!!!! =D

Can you believe it??? I don't remember if I've ever lost that much in one week.

Now, mind you, I had gained 10.6 pounds since my last official weigh in, two weeks ago. But, in my food journal, I wrote down what I weighed last Saturday morning at home (before I took the no-weigh-in-pass at WW), which was 10.6 pounds more than my weigh from the previous week. (Yes, I gained 10 pounds in ONE WEEK!)

So this week, I "officially" gained 3.2 pounds (documented in WW system), thanks to the no-weigh-in-pass from last week. If I would have weighed in last week, I could have "officially" posted a 7 pound loss... No More No-Weigh-In-Passes for me!!

I still lost the 7 pounds, though.

And you know how I did it?? I went back to to the beginning and did what I did when I first started WW. I journaled everything I ate. Wrote down what exercise I did and didn't do. Tracked my flex points as I used them. I became more active. And I kept my craving demons at bay.

It really was a sweet victory because I focused internally for benchmarks on how I was doing, not focusing on the scale. I don't know if I've ever done that before. I had to get my head straight and think about the weight loss from an emotional and spiritual and intellectual perspective, not a physical one. Weird because weight loss is a physical thing, right?

Well, kinda. It sure has physical results. Tangible. Visual. But I think I'm learning that it is anything BUT physical.

It's all in my head and in my heart. What a revelation, huh?!

I still need to be able to process this new perspective on weight loss. But I'll tell you one thing its doing for me is it's helping me keep my emotional eating in check. Funny, because the topic at WW yesterday was emotional eating. It's like WW is really trying to tell me something. I needed motivation last week, so they talked about motivation. I needed to conquer my emotional eating and they talked about it this week. Cool, huh?

I started out this past week just focusing on one day at a time and one meal at a time. But more importantly, I focused inward on what my heart was saying about the food I was eating and what my mind was thinking about it and I tried to separate the physical responses I was feeling in response to eating or not eating or craving.

Usually, by the end of the week, I've already planned out what I'm going to splurge on on Saturday. At one point, I got a craving for chips and cream cheese (Ruffles chips dipped in cream cheese, mmmmm!). So I set my sights on that. But as the week went on, I couldn't find the excitement about eating the chips. I just kept remembering how the last few times I ate them, they weren't as good as I remembered them. That's separating my emotional and psychological response to food from my physical responses.

That snack used to just bring the world back into balance for me. When I ate them, I'd feel this rush of warmth that would start at my tongue, travel to my brain, then warm my entire body. "Mmmm." or "Ahhhh." is what I'd say. But this past week, I kept trying to envision those feelings and all I could come up with was that the taste wasn't going to cure or fix anything in my body. It would just be a waste of points and calories that I'd have to work really hard to get back off.

So all day yesterday, I kept checking myself whenever a so called "craving" would hit. Nothing I thought of was worth eating. Nothing I thought of eating was worth having to work it back off.

So I didn't splurge.

And I didn't miss it.

I think I'm on to something. :)

I went for a bike ride this morning. First time I've gone for a Sunday morning bike ride in a while.

This whole thing isn't getting any easier, but I'm hoping I'm learning more about myself and I can start to keep it all in perspective a little more.

We'll see. :)

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Day two and counting...

Day two was just as good as day one.

I stayed on points and exercised at lunch again today. Although, I'm really not crazy about working out at lunch. I don't sweat very much and I exercise right under the fan (on full blast) but I still feel sticky when I sit at my desk in the afternoons. And I'm so afraid I stink and can't smell myself. But I just don't know when I can exercise other than lunch. I can't do it before work at home and it's too dark to do it outside (hopefully when the time changes I'll have more daylight in the mornings). I can't do it at night. Tomorrow, I'm taking a break and not working out at lunch. I'm really sore and I don't want to burn out on it. Let's just hope I have the determination to do it on Thursday at lunch. It'll be hard, but I'm gonna try.

I thought I went over on my points for dinner, but I looked up my food on the WW website and found out it was about half the points I thought it was. So booyah!!

I'm a little nervous, though, because it was spaghetti. I measured out a half cup of pasta (it was Barilla Plus Omega 3 pasta that has extra protein and fiber) and a half a cup of spaghetti sauce. It didn't look like a whole lot on my plate, but I chopped it up and spread it out on the plate (a smaller plate, mind you) to make it look like more than it was. But I looked at the box and jar and I figured the whole thing was around 10 points. But WW said it was 4 points. I compromised and called it 7 points because I really think it should have been more points than a measly 4. Plus, I did workout today and so I have a few activity points to use up. :)

I just hope the small amount of spaghetti sticks in my tummy for the rest of the night.

I found some no sugar added fudge (popsicle) bars (Fudgcicle brand) that are only 1 point for 2 fudge bars!!! And they're SOOOO yummy!!! I don't even notice I'm eating diet ice cream. In case my spaghetti doesn't make it through the night I can have one (or maybe 2) as a treat.

I'm not declaring victory quite yet, though, I'm still taking this one day at a time. I'm still fighting the urge to eat whatever & whenever I want. You're right, Diana, everyone does say it gets easier with time. I've been under that spell for the past 2 years. It still hasn't gotten easier. No, it's gotten harder. I think it was because I was relying on the fact that it would getting easier.

And, Shelley, I'll have to pull out my week one WW books to look up the filling foods. I know I'm going to need variety and most of the filling foods I know of are somewhat high in points.

You know, Mary Fran, I've thought of posting my food intake on my blog and I might do that one day. But for now if I have to go to the computer to log something in, I won't do it. I used to. I've tried all kinds of online food diaries and I've used the WW online points tracker off and on for the past 2 1/2 years and I've even tried Tweeting my food intake, but nothing seems to work for me for very long. I don't know how long the cutesy notebook will last, but it's working for now. We'll see how it goes.

Thank you guys, so much, for all your suggestions and encouragement. I love it! And I need it!

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One day at a time...

So far, so good.

Today, I stayed within my points and I did a workout at lunch time.

The thing of it is, I kept thinking about all the things I couldn't eat... all day today. I can't keep doing this. I'm really not trying to be super strict, I'm just eating when I'm hungry. Except I've spent the last 43 years of my life, eating whenever I felt like it, not when my body needed it. This is going to be a tough one to move past.

But I really want to move past it. I just have to find a happy balance in there somewhere.

And 21 points isn't a whole heck of a lot of food! I think I just need to be smart about finding filling foods that are low in points.

I bought a pretty little notebook over the weekend to start tracking my food in. After I've tried for weeks to write down what I eat, I thought it might help if I made it fun. So I found this cute little spiral hard bound notebook with a rubber strap around it to keep it closed. It's blue with tan polka dots. And it's small enough to carry in my purse so I can write down what I eat as I eat it. We'll see how it goes, but I'm really trying to take steps in the right direction.

I just need to not obsess about this, but instead, just try to make it through each day. So this is just one day... on track.

(uh, oh, my tummy is grumbling...)

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Encouragement... Motivation... and You.

Today was a somewhat significant day in my weight loss journey. As you can tell from my last post, things aren't going the greatest for me right now. And I have to say that each and every one of your comments meant alot and really helped me get my head a little closer to being screwed on straight.

But the comment that struck me the most was from my WW leader, Ned. Check it out:
Finding motivation can be a difficult thing. As humans we move toward what we are comfortable with and away from things we are uncomfortable with. ... You just need to put one foot in front of the other and you will be on your way before you know it.

You are an inspiration to all of us in the meeting room every Saturday and you can always turn to our meeting for help whenever you might need it. Maybe it is time the meeting gave something to you this week in whatever form will help you the most. We are here for you no matter what so lean on us to help you get through this tough spell. Keep the faith!
Wasn't that sweet? But it didn't stop there. This morning in the WW meeting, he took a moment to specifically ask if there was anyone who wanted to share any struggles they've been going through lately. This is something I've never heard him do before. I knew he was talking about me. I just didn't feel comfortable airing my "negative" experiences like that. I just felt like I'd be a wet blanket if I started talking about my motivation problems.

But guess what, the topic of the meeting just happened to be goal setting and motivation. Can you believe it?! Exactly what I needed. I don't know if my leader did that on purpose or if it was a wonderful coincidence. He talked about how hard it is to find motivation sometimes and no matter how bad we might want to lose weight, sometimes the motivation just doesn't come. It was like he was talking just to me, although I think he was intentionally not looking at me so I wouldn't feel more uncomfortable.

He talked about how we can lean on each other and the meeting leaders to help us through the hard parts of our weight loss journey and how we're not alone when we can't find the motivation to continue on. He was saying how we're all a family and we all want each other to succeed and that if any of us are struggling for us to lean on each other to make it through.

I tell you, I started tearing up right in the middle of it all. He really spoke to my heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I went up after class and gave him a big hug and told him thanks for helping me get my head back in the game.

Now, I'm not saying that was a miracle cure all, I'm still struggling with finding the motivation to eat right and exercise, but at least now I know I'm not in this alone and I have people who really care about me and want to help me however they can.

I mean you guys too! You guys help me so much by leaving me those encouraging comments. You have no idea how much I pour over every comment you leave. Even if it's a short note just to say you understand or you're proud of me. Every comment you leave inspires me to keep going.

So thanks, Ned. And thanks to you who are reading this blog and encouraging me to continue on. I still have a long way to go. I mean, I've only lost 2.5 pounds this past year and I still have to make it down to 145 as my ultimate goal.

Right now, I can be honest and tell you, I gained almost 10 pounds last week. (I cringed as I typed that.) I didn't want to admit that to anyone. I didn't weigh in this morning (took a no-weigh-in-pass). But I'll face the music next week. I'm not making any huge promises to myself about eating right or exercising. I'm just going to take this one day at a time. One baby step at a time and keep finding encouragement in what I've heard from you guys and keep going.

I'll find the motivation. It'll come. Heck, maybe I've already got it I just don't realize it yet. But I won't give up. I will make it to goal. And I will keep this weight off no matter whether I ever find motivation or not.

Thanks guys! I love you!!!

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