Small steps... big movements.

Well, I made it through the weekend pretty good. I only gained one pound. Not bad. Usually I'm up 3-5 pounds by Monday morning.

I did go on my bike ride Sunday morning. Yay!! I only went for about an hour, though. We moved into a new house (part of the reason for my "break" from weight loss) and Sunday was our last day to get everything in order. Finishing touches. So we wanted to get all that over with early in the day so I had to get up extra early to get my bike ride in.

I started out at 6:15. It was still dark. I really don't like riding or walking or running in the dark. Actually, I won't walk or run by myself in the dark. And as for biking, I've heard of many women who were knocked off their bikes and accosted. But It usually gets daylight around 6:15 and I figured I was going to be on a safe part of the trail for that first 15 minutes anyways so I figured I'd be okay.

Well, a half hour later it still hadn't gotten daylight. I was just heading into a part of the trail where it winds through a beautiful tunnel of trees into the middle of gorgeous woods with water streams, foot bridges and park benches. But it was still dark. I heard this loud screech then stopped and turned around and headed back home. I have no idea if it was an animal or a human but it didn't sound good.

But I still got in a total of 50 minutes of biking. I can't even remember the last time I went biking. Felt great. I was exhausted when I got back. We went to breakfast and then off to mop and vacuum the floors one last time at the old place.

I did overeat just a smidge both days, but my attitude was way better than most recent weekends. I did say no to that ice cream cone that everyone else had on Saturday. That was so tough, too, because it's my favorite ice cream in the world. I don't much care for ice cream but there's this little hot dog stand that has soft serve ice cream that they dip in a really thick rich chocolate shell. But I said no. Now, I didn't say no to the two, yes two, milk shakes I had on Sunday. But I was good the rest of the time. Most of it was more of a mental attitude towards the food. Just trying to get my head back on straight.

Small steps.

I want to thank all of you for your encouragement. Your comments blew me away. I'm so happy that my words could help just one person in their journey. That's been my hope all along. I will always be honest in my blog. This is my accountability and if I'm not honest here, I'll never be honest anywhere. You guys are awesome.

Together we can do this. I can't do it without you guys. I can always expect an honest responses from you guys. And I thank you for that.

2 days into my "re-birth" in weight loss: I blogged like I said I was going to. I biked like I said I was going to. I indulged, but not too much, like I should. So far so good...

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Cheaters Never Win!

Hi, my name is Cara and I'm a food addict.

...

I'm tempted to leave my blog post with just those 10 words because that about sums up my life right now.

Of course, you can tell, I haven't posted since July 20th. Let's see. On July 20th, I was 2/10ths of a pound away from my momentous 100 pound loss. That was the day I used my first EVER "no-weigh-in-pass". What a stupid invention.

Don't get me wrong, I can totally appreciate their intentions when they decided to come up with the concept. There are those weeks when we just can't face the scale being up. But for me, I see it as a way that I can cheat myself and deny the truth. The truth is, I'm up. No denying it. It is what it is. But when I allowed myself to use that first NWI pass, that was when I told myself it was okay to be up. I mean it was just a few pounds, right? What's a few pounds? Not much in the grander scheme of things. That's for sure.

But for me, those few pounds meant alot. It meant I had this eating thing under control. I'd learned how I could only be up a few pounds. I used, or rather manipulated, the system to my advantage. I learned how I could "be on plan" and eat what I wanted at the same time. I embraced that saying "You're only one meal away from being back on plan."

For me, every day was one meal away from being on plan. I would eat my points for breakfast but then eat whatever I wanted for lunch and then for dinner be back on plan. Or maybe it would be starting off with a horrible breakfast but then eating on plan for the rest of the day.

The problem was, every day I was allowing myself to go off plan and then telling myself it was okay because I would get right back on plan with that next meal... every day.

There's a flaw in there somewhere (she says sarcastically). I was allowing myself to eat what I wanted and covered it all up with "I'm still on plan". Because I was.

Now here I sit, 9 pounds over my "spectacular" 100 pound loss. I'm now back to September of last year's weight. September 2008! I've now, officially waisted an entire year of weight loss efforts. I've gained and lost the same 10 pounds for a solid year now. Every day, sacrificing and contemplating and lamenting. Over and over again. And I've flushed almost $500 of WW dues straight down the drain.

Who's to blame?

How did this happened?

Easy answers. I'm to blame. I've figured out how to cheat the system and get what I want out of it. What do I want? To eat what I want. This will always be my problem. I'm addicted to food. I love it. I cherish it. I dream about it. My every waking thought is about food. There's no denying it. There's no way around it.

It's like telling an alcoholic "I know you're addicted, but here, drink this one small glass of liquor in the morning before you go to work, once again at lunch time and another glass for dinner. But you can't have any more than just that one small glass. And you HAVE to drink it. You don't have a choice. You just have to NOT drink more than that one glass of alcohol."

That's how I feel.

And I have to live with that.

So...

Today starts my road to recovery. Being as I can't abstain from my addiction, I have to learn to coexist with it and learn to keep it under control. Hardest thing of my life. But I have to. I don't have a choice.

Accountability is the only thing that will save me from this addiction. If I don't account for my eating and exercise habits here, I'll continue to keep cheating the system in secret and never lose another pound for as long as I live. So I need to commit myself to blogging again. Regularly. I will commit to blogging every other day. I know, that's an awful steep goal when I haven't blogged in a month and a half. But it's the only way is see to start losing again.

I'm starting right now. Right here. Today.

Today I will commit to eating on plan. And tomorrow I will commit to going on a bike ride in the morning. I'll let you know how all this went on Monday.

I could really use some encouragement right now. Please tell me you guys are still out there. You haven't given up on me have you? Are you still there? Help me get through this.

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Oh no, my old eating habits are back...

Okay, so maybe this "break" think wasn't such a good idea.

I think I might have fallen back into my old eating habits.

The other day, I snuck a piece of cake. No one knew I bought it or ate it. I disposed of all evidence... including the receipt. I even buried the container it came in at the bottom of the trash bag. This is something I used to do very frequently "when I was fat".

I've also been having monster size cravings. I know that was one of the hardest things for me when I first started losing weight. I would sit there all day long and dream of all the food I couldn't eat. The problem is, I've been eating that food lately, though in moderation, but I'm thinking now I should be. It seems that if I eat whatever I want to, even in moderation, it's only going to lead to wanting to eat more.

Whenever there's a lull in my day, instead of daydreaming about things I want to do or places I want to go or accomplishments I want to happen, I start really visualizing all the cakes and pies and cookies and pastries and donuts and candies. With vivid detail. Enough so that I can even smell them.

So I'm thinking that this is going to take me a bit longer to come back to my proper eating habits. It's also made me think... I always thought that one day, after I'd reached goal and had my weight under control, I'd be able to return to the foods I used to eat, but just eat them in smaller quantities, reasonable quantities. Now, I'm not sure that's going to happen. I don't want to have to fight these urges for the rest of my life.

I think I'm going to have to stick to indulging "on occasion" and definitely not with any regularity. Ever!

But you know what, I think I'm okay with that. Sure, I'm sure I'll still think about and dream about all the yummies that I can't have, but I think it's a fair trade. I mean, what's the alternative?

Eat what I want, whether it's large or small portions, and continue to gain all my weight back?

Or eat what I want on occasion and keep the weight off.

I think I'd much rather choose the latter. I don't ever want to be fat again!!! Never!!!

So now I just need to change my mindset back to focusing in on eating healthy and staying thin (or rather, getting down to thin, I'm still in the "overweight" category right now).

Get focused back on my overall goals and be happy with the process along the way.

Man, this is so hard.

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Back on the wagon...

So yesterday was weigh in, but I didn't... weigh in, that is. I took a "no weigh in pass". Which basically means, I gained but I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that I didn't so I can make it through another week. Hehe.

Realistically (according to my home scales), I'm about 7 pounds over my 100 pound loss. So "technically", I haven't lost the 100 pounds, but I'm still wearing the trophy and I'll still tell anyone who asks that I've lost 100 pounds. I don't see these 7 pounds a permanent and they're not intimidating me WHAT SO EVER!

Here's what has happened over the past month... I've stayed on plan (still counting everything I eat), I haven't exercised, and I've indulged whenever I wanted to but not to excess. Well, okay, to excess once.

Here's what I've learned over the past month... I really needed this past month to take a deep breath and get some perspective.

I was so ecstatic that I finally hit my 100 pound goal that I wanted to relish in it for a while. Nothing wrong with that at all, right? Right! I didn't go on an eating binge. I didn't change my thoughts towards food or weight loss. I didn't give in and go back to the way I was before.

This was a great learning experience for me. I learned that I will be able to keep this weigh off for life. I was so petrified of that before but it no longer intimidates me. I may gain a pound or two (or even 10), but I will never go back to being 130 pounds over weight. Ever!

This past month has been thoroughly enjoyable.

I ran another 5K on the 4th of July. Yay!!

Didn't do so great so far as time, but that was because it's been maybe 2 months since I've done any serious exercise or running. But it was still fun. I only ran about a mile and a half then walked the rest of the way.

But then last Sunday, I started back on plan—the serious way. I'm back to 21 points a day (rather than just tracking whatever I put in my mouth and not setting a limit on how many points I eat a day). And I'm back go exercising on a regular basis.

I started something really fun. Some of you may know that my daughter moved out this past Spring. She's 20 and in college but had been at home with us until this past May. When she moved out it was devastating for me. But I made it. Still working through some things, but for the most part, it's going great. Anyway, last week, for my morning cardio, I would ride my bike to her house which is 15 minutes on a bike (5 minutes in a car, sweet!). And then after I get there, we go run/walking for 20-30 minutes and then I hope back on my bike and head back home for another 15 minutes on the bike. I usually end up burning about 1,000 calories doing that. Great interval!! And so refreshing to get back on my bike after running and walking in the sweltering heat.

So anyways, things are getting back to the way they should be and I'm having a blast at it.

How have you guys been doing over the past month? Did you hit any goals? Get remotivated to do something? Lose? Gain?

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Live for now...

Okay, so I fell off the wagon last night and this morning. Which got me to thinking...

You know how when you fall off the wagon, eat something REALLY horrible which you KNOW is just going to add at least a pound to the scale? Well, after that, we have two choices:

• #1. Get back on the wagon. Like my WW leader always says, quoting the Duchess of York, "You're only one meal away from being back on plan." (Great philosophy.)
• #2. Keep on back sliding. Because after all, this totally wrecked any plans you had of losing weight this week, right? So why not just keep enjoying the splurges until after weigh in. If you're gonna gain, you might as well have fun doing it, right?

Okay, so #2 is the most helpful advice, I know. But these are the thoughts running through my head this morning when I didn't have a thing to eat in the house for breakfast. I had meant to go to the store last night but got waylaid by that enormous indulgence (steak restaurant—need I say more?). I was in too much pain (from completely overeating) to go to the store and get stuff for breakfast.

So there I stood, in the grocery store, 15 minutes before I needed to be at work, staring at the pastry counter. Sure, what I should have done is gone to the cereal isle and picked up a box of instant oatmeal to heat up once I get to work. But did I do that? Nooooo.

I added 3 donuts to my atrocities of last night.

I just couldn't get option #1 to kick in. For the life of me, I couldn't!

Now here I sit, eating my lunch as I'm typing and what am I eating? Hot dog, coleslaw and a bag of lays chips. Nothing healthy about this meal at all. Unless you could consider the coleslaw as a vegetable. Aw, come on, you won't give me that one???

Okay, so what I need to do now is write down option #1 and keep repeating it to myself for the rest of the afternoon. Then eat something healthy and sensible for dinner.

So that's what I'll do.

"I'm only one meal away from being back on plan!"

There, that was a good start, right?

But seriously, wouldn't we all be much better off if we could just keep option #1 in the forefront of our brains? How many times have we said "I'm starting my diet tomorrow" or "I'll start back on my exercise regiment tomorrow morning"? We would all be so much better off—even our nation as a whole—if we'd just start that diet or that exercise plan or adopt that better spending plan, or whatever, now.

Make the option of that next meal or next run or next whatever become a present action rather than a future action. After all, who knows what's going to happen in the future, right? But right now... right now we know what's happening. And we can make a difference right now.

Start right now. Not tomorrow morning and not at the next meal, but now.

I am.

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I'm back... but where was I??

I'm sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard wondering how to start this post...

I'm not sure what to say first except to say that I'm back. But not in the grand sense of the word. I mean, where have I been to come back? Did I go away? Did I do something to pull myself away from this blog? No, not really. It was kind of like I've been in limbo for the past month. Blog-wise.

Weightloss-wise, I haven't stopped or gone anywhere. I've been steady at it every day. Every hour.

So where am I now? Well, to start with, I'm here. Fingers on keys. Words floating around in my head. Things on my mind ready to be passed through my fingers onto the keyboard and into this blog.

So, since I've been away from blogging, I've gained a few pounds. Whoa, surprise, huh? Not many, though. A little over 5. I gained a few lost a few gained a few, etc. Same old same old.

I think when I reached the 100 pound mark, I just needed a break from... From what I'm not sure. But I guess I decided to take a break from blogging. Funny, though, because its the blogging that's the best part of my weight loss journey. Who knows why I chose to give that up.

I don't want to make this a long post, but I wanted to just get something down on paper... er... uh... on computer (huh?).

Anyways, I'm going to be blogging again. I've got alot to share about what I've been up to over the last month or so and I've got alot that I need to get down on paper about what lies ahead.

So, thank you loyal journal and thank you loyal readers for being there and being patient while I got my head straight.

How have you all been? I'll be visiting your blogs soon and getting caught up on everyone.

Talk to you soon.

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The Saboteur

Okay, so it's been 11 days since my last blog post. Ugh. Can't believe I've been away that long. Life has just been so stinking busy lately.

I'll start back with last weekend's weigh in. I gained 6/10ths of a pound. Which took me back out of the 100 pound club. But I wasn't that concerned with it. I knew something like that was going to happen. I was just thankful that I didn't gain a couple of pounds. Whew!

Then at yesterday's weigh in, I lost 2/10ths of a pound. So I'm still 2/10ths away from the 100 pounds, but again, I'm not worried.

Normal me would be panicking. Normal me would be saying "what the heck!?". Normal me would be lamenting over every little thing I did or didn't do to take me away from my glorious 100 pound loss.

So what do I mean by normal me?? That's the "normal" me I've made myself into for the past 25+ years.

I've learned so much about me and the way my mind works over the past few months. I've learned so much about myself once I found out that I was sabotaging my weigh loss efforts but more importantly when I found out WHY I was sabotaging myself.

Have you guys watched the 1942 Alfred Hitchcock move called Saboteur? Robert Cummings plays this guy, Barry Kane, who was unintentionally framed for a terrorist attack. He was basically in the wrong place at the wrong time and suddenly the whole country was looking for him for causing a massive fire at an airplane manufacturing plant (during war time) that caused the death of his best friend.

I remember when he first found out that the cops were looking for him because they suspected he started the fire and intentionally caused the death of his friend by handing him a fire extinguisher that was filled with fuel. He was completely shocked. The look on his face was that of a total innocent man.

That was me. Once I found out that I was my own "saboteur", I was shocked. I even denied it for months. No way! I mean, come on! Who in their right mind would intentionally sabotage their incredibly hard weight loss efforts. Shocked is putting it mildly. No way would I do that to myself.

So just like Barry, I took off trying to find out who was responsible for this sabotage. Like his search that took him across country, I started out trying to find out how and why this could happen. I came to the conclusion, at first, that there was no way I could be doing this intentionally. That was the key word—intentionally. I was NOT sabotaging myself intentionally. I wasn't going crazy. I wasn't undermining all my year and a half long efforts. No way.

It was unintentional for sure.

But then, once I made it through the first revelation, kind of like when Barry first found the "big boss" who was responsible for masterminding the factory fire, I had to find a way to bring justice. I had to find a way to understand why exactly I would do this so that I could stop it.

This wasn't easy. It's hard to figure something out when you have no idea what it is your looking for, you know? So I hit the road with Barry Cane and had a lot of good conversations with people who helped me along the way. Like the truck driver who saw Barry (me) as a decent human being who couldn't hurt a fly. Or the blind man who took Barry (me) in and fed us a warm dinner who could tell I had handcuffs on but knew I was innocent. And then I hitched a ride with a traveling circus and found a few friends along the way who would help keep me safe while I was looking for the answers and finally made it back home in time to stop the damage I'd caused. These people I met along my journey were you guys. You each helped me see what I was truly doing.

Now unlike the movie, I did end up being the saboteur. In the movie, Barry Cane ended up bringing the culprits to justice. But for me, I ended up bringing myself in for trial and sentencing. I cross examined myself (many self-examining blog posts) and brought in a jury of my peers (you guys) to help me see what was really going on.

The verdict?

Deep down, I felt like I wasn't worthy of being thin.

I've been overweight since my senior year in high school (1983/84). I've been obese since I came home from the hospital after having my daughter (who just turned 20 last month). I've been fat for 26 years. That's over 60% of my life. It's just about all I've ever known. So over those 26 years, I've learned how to hide behind my fat. I've talked before about how I have a hard time standing in line at the grocery store because inevitably the person in front of me will turn around and look at me as soon as I walk up behind them. I didn't want them looking at me. I was fat. I was disgusting. Turn around and mind your own business! Or how I would always bring my hand up over my face when I'd cross in front of a line of cars when I'd turn left at the light. I didn't want them to see my fat face. I was always so embarrassed about the fat. I hid inside my fat suit. I hid so no one would see me.

But then, once my fat suit started to disappear, suddenly I had no where to hide any more. Now what was I going to do? I was in a panic! So the only thing I could think of was to stop this weight loss thing so I could still be over weight and still have somewhere I could hide.

So I made every excuse in the book for the reasons I wasn't losing. I would talk about how frustrated I was. I'd say "I don't understand why I'm not losing when I'm doing everything I should be". Boy, what a bunch of hooey! I was not. I was still on plan, sure. But I splurged like crazy! But only a little here and a little there so it wouldn't look like I was falling completely off the wagon. I would splurge just enough so no one would notice and so I would stop losing my comfortable fat suit.

It was a masterful plan. I just never realized I had hatched the plan or that I had implemented it. I surely didn't realize that I was pulling it of beautifully!

But now I see it. And now, when I only lose 2/10ths of a pound or if I gain 6/10ths of a pound, I can say to myself, honestly, I am not doing what I need to to lose weight. I am only getting out of it what I put into it. That honest look is so refreshing.

Now I can look at myself as thin (even though I've still got 10-30 lbs left to lose). I can say, I'm thin and I'm happy with that. I don't need to hide inside of myself any longer. Now, I am the one who looks behind me in line at the grocery store and says hi. I am the one who doesn't even think twice about all those people who see me pass in front of them at the red light. I'm the one who can eat in the car and know that no one is disgusted by it. I can tuck my shirt in to my jeans and not be mortified that someone might see my fat roll (which by the way is almost gone),

I am proud of my new body. I am no longer a saboteur...

I am a winner.

And I'm proud of it, too.

I hope my words here can help someone out there who's going through the same thing I did. It makes all my pain worth it, you know?
P.S. the movie ended with this spectacular chase to the top of the Statue or Liberty where Barry single-handedly caught the bad guy, just minutes before he accidentally fell to his death (the bad guy) by sliding off the torch of Lady Liberty. Was a spectacular scene (for 1942). You should put this movie on your list of great ones to watch.

On a slightly different note, check it out... I'm spotlighted as Blogger of the Week on Fitago. Woo hoo!! =D

How did you start losing weight?

I've been having a lot of really great discussions with people lately and it's been making me think about my journey a lot. I know my last post was kind of "how I got here", but I know it was way too long and a bit scattered. I think I want to break it down a bit and hopefully it'll be easier to digest and understand. I don't know about you, but I hate reading really long posts. But yet, I type a lot here. Go figure.

I think the main thing I wanted to get across was that my journey has been long and tough but I stuck with it. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I really didn't give myself another option.

I'm not usually that determined. I mean, I look at Tara Costa (who didn't win the Biggest Loser this past season, but really should have) and see how determined she was through the entire competition. She was completely committed. She was fearless. She was steady. She was a machine. It makes you wonder how she could ever gain all that weight then not have the determination on her own to lose it. Why did it take the pressure of the public competition before she could do it? I think it's the same reason I seemed to flourish in my determination after I so publicly failed at losing.

When I first started losing weight, I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want them to know I was trying to lose weight because if they knew and I failed, I'd be a public failure. It took me a while to tell that first person. And when I did, I told it to them in confidence.

I was so afraid I'd fall off the wagon and be back to my old eating habits, like I'd ALWAYS done before every other time I started losing.

But then the pounds started coming off. I'd probably lost 20 or 30 pounds before I could tell more people. And it wasn't until maybe 50 pounds before I could tell everyone and anyone who would listen. I had to feel a bit of success before I'd shout it from the mountain tops, you know?

If I could give anyone adivce who's just starting out on their weight loss journey, it's to tell as many people as possible. You know what it did for me? Well, at first, it gave me more accountability. The more people who knew, the more people I'd dissappoint if I stopped losing, or worse, started gaining again.

So at first, I was losing for them. And, I know, that was wrong. It wasn't until several months into my weight loss that I started doing it for myself. That's when things changed. But that's also when things got tough. I had to admit to myself that I was worth losing weight for. That was a tough one. It still is sometimes.

I'll talk more about that later. For now, let me ask you. When you first started losing, did you tell anyone? Did you tell everyone? Did you tell no one? How did it help or hinder your start?

--

On a slightly different note, I found a very yummy snack I wanted to share with you guys. These remind me of a crunchy, chocolate peanut butter, ice cream sandwiches. I got the recipe off of Opgrah's website. She was reprinting it from the Biggest Loser Family Cookbook.

The best part is they're ONE POINT each!

They're called "Chocolate–Peanut Butter Grahamwiches". And they're real easy to make:

• 4 whole chocolate graham cracker sheets
• 4 tsp. reduced-fat peanut butter
• 1/2 cup frozen fat-free whipped topping , thawed

Break each graham cracker in half (so each half is 1 square). Spread 1 teaspoon of peanut butter evenly over the inside of each of 4 halves. Spread 2 tablespoons whipped topping each evenly among the insides of the 4 remaining halves. Sandwich the crackers together to form 4 sandwiches, each with a layer of peanut butter and a layer of whipped topping. Transfer to an airtight plastic container and place in freezer. Freeze for about 2 hours or up to 1 month. Serve frozen.