Monday, October 11, 2010

So this is what a new journey looks like...

Well, I am officially on a new path in my weight loss journey.

I've completely stopped weighing myself in the mornings and I feel so good. Liberated, actually. The only weigh-in for me is going to be on Saturday mornings at Weight Watchers and I may or may not look at the results. We'll see.

This past Saturday, I had my first weigh in since vacation. Now, mind you, vacation was Sept 18-26. I weighed in the Friday before I left (17th) and while I was up there, I weighed in on the following Monday (20th), just 2 days into my trip. By then, I'd only gained 1 full pound. I thought that was pretty good considering I'd already eaten a ton of peanut butter fudge and I actually had fried chicken one day. But then it dawned on me that I didn't have to weigh-in for another week and a half (Oct 2nd) and, in fact, I'd have a full week of being back home and back on plan before I had to weigh in to get any extra pounds from vacation off.

Well, that plan backfired.

When I got home, I stepped on the scales at home and I'd gained... gulp... wait for it... 12.6 pounds.

Yikes, is an understatement.

But I still had a full 5 days before weigh in so I figured I could probably get a few of those pounds off, and actually I did. By Saturday morning, I was only up 5 pounds (I'd lost 7 pounds that week) since before vacation.

But you know what I did. I took a no weigh in pass. I figured that would give me one more week to get back down to within a few pounds of where I was before I left.

Well, that didn't work either. I actually gained 3 more pounds last week. So my official weigh in for this past Saturday was a whopping gain of 8.2 pounds (since before vacation).


I know, my new plan is to not think about the pounds, but the thing that stings the most is that I've now fallen down to below my 100 pound loss mark. I'm now down to only having lost 95 pounds. I actually cried a little bit while I was sitting in Weight Watchers looking at that number.

But I dried my tears and put my head up and remembered my new journey. My new journey doesn't care about those numbers any more. My new journey cares about how I feel. So how do I feel?

Well, my jeans are getting a big snug. My beautiful skinny jeans are telling me I'm not skinny. It's only 8 pounds, but evidently 8 pounds does make a difference.

So I'm gonna call the doctor tomorrow and make an appointment (or whatever I have to do) to get the note from him saying that 160 is my healthy weight instead of 155. And my first goal is to not get down to 160 pounds, my first goal is to get my jeans fitting me again. My poochey tummy is sticking over my jeans a little too much for comfort.

I feel so much better about this new plan. I truly feel liberated. I just hope I'm doing the right thing.


Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm going through changes...

I think I'm going through a MAJOR shift in my weigh loss journey right now. No, I know I am. I haven't been posting for a while, but I've still been on plan and forging forward in my struggles to lose the last 5-10 pounds. And I think I'm moving in a new and distinct direction right now.

As you probably know, I've been struggling with trying to get to goal for over 3 1/2 years, now. And I've struggled for the past year to lose a measly 5 pounds. I've even gotten down to where I was about 3 1/2 pounds from goal, only to shoot back up a couple of pounds and find myself, yet again, 5 pounds away from goal.

My ultimate goal was to make it to 145 lbs. But I set my Weight Watchers goal at 155 because that was the most I could weigh, for my height and age, and be at goal according to their standards.

The thing of it is, I'm not entirely certain I'll ever make it to 155.

I mean, I am the QUEEN of positive self talk. And when I set my mind to do something, not much stands in my way. I do it. And I'm a stickler for rules and doing things the right way. All of these things combined makes a good plan for success. But still, I can't quite succeed. I just can't quite make it to goal. And at some point, I need to ask myself if "goal" should be my realistic goal.

I took a much needed vacation a couple of weeks ago, from Sept 18-26. My husband and I drove up to West Virginia and spent a blissful week with my mom. Even he thought it was heaven (truly). We even found a cabin up there on her mountain that's for sale that he wants to buy (pie in the sky right now, though, we're in no financial condition to move to another state and buy a house right now, but it was a beautiful dream... someday maybe).

The week before we drove up there David and I had a good talk about my weigh loss efforts. He's so good at helping me talk through things and keep things into perspective. Some of my last posts, in fact, were talking about how I have been obsessing over my weight loss efforts to the point of it becoming borderline OCD. And during our drive up to W.Va. (which, by the way, was the best long drive I've ever been on in my life), I think I was able to come to terms with it all...

I still struggled with it some, but what I was talking through doing was switching my focus away from the pounds and focus more on how I feel, physically as well as emotionally. Most importantly, how does my body feel. How do my clothes fit. What is my self image. How confident do I feel. Those types of things.

And just over this past week, I think I've made a definite decision to change my weight loss journey. I now want to focus solely on how I feel and not what I weigh. And I think I feel really great about that decision.

Which brings me back to Weight Watchers... As many of you know, I have not missed one Weight Watchers meeting since I started in May 2007. I have attended a meeting once a week since May 12, 2007. I've even received 3 certificates from my leader for perfect attendance. And that's something I'm wholeheartedly proud of.

I don't want to quit Weight Watchers. I've learned so much on WW. I've come so far. There's no way I could have done any of this without WW... and of course, this blog and you guys (and my husband's support).

So I think what I'm going to do is make an appointment with my doctor and ask him if 160 would be a healthy weight for me to maintain and just make that my goal. I've weighed ABOUT 160 pounds for the last year and a half (give or take 2 or 3 pounds). So I'm sure he will agree that it's a healthy weight for me.

And then I'll ask him to write a note saying that 160 is a healthy weight for me and take it to Weight Watchers and have them adjust my official WW goal.

That way, I can reach goal and get this monkey off my back.

I tell you, it's been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. I keep telling myself that if I go to the doctor and change my weight goal with Weight Watchers, I'll be cheating. And I won't REALLY have reached goal. Like I took some sort of lame short cut to the finish line.

And I hate those thoughts.

But I know I just can't keep going like this forever.

The fact is, I feel good in the skin I'm in right now. My clothes fit me perfectly. I truly FEEL skinny. I look healthy. I don't look fat. Truth be told I'm only 5-10 pounds overweight according to most of the weight charts in America right now. So I just need to keep focused on these thoughts and away from the "shortcut" thoughts.

On a side note, while I was on vacation, I ate whatever I wanted to. I told myself before I went up there that I was going to do that, but just be sure to eat small portions. But that was out the window when I walked through the door and my mom made me my grandmother's recipe of peanut butter fudge--my all time favorite thing in the world!

So needless to say, I gain about 12 pounds while I was up there. Yikes, huh?!

I'm okay with it, though. I've been able to get about 7 of those pounds off. I'll have the rest off in no time. Even if it takes me a few months. I really do feel good about it all.

I truly feel happy in the skin I'm in.