Monday, August 31, 2009

Small steps... big movements.

Well, I made it through the weekend pretty good. I only gained one pound. Not bad. Usually I'm up 3-5 pounds by Monday morning.

I did go on my bike ride Sunday morning. Yay!! I only went for about an hour, though. We moved into a new house (part of the reason for my "break" from weight loss) and Sunday was our last day to get everything in order. Finishing touches. So we wanted to get all that over with early in the day so I had to get up extra early to get my bike ride in.

I started out at 6:15. It was still dark. I really don't like riding or walking or running in the dark. Actually, I won't walk or run by myself in the dark. And as for biking, I've heard of many women who were knocked off their bikes and accosted. But It usually gets daylight around 6:15 and I figured I was going to be on a safe part of the trail for that first 15 minutes anyways so I figured I'd be okay.

Well, a half hour later it still hadn't gotten daylight. I was just heading into a part of the trail where it winds through a beautiful tunnel of trees into the middle of gorgeous woods with water streams, foot bridges and park benches. But it was still dark. I heard this loud screech then stopped and turned around and headed back home. I have no idea if it was an animal or a human but it didn't sound good.

But I still got in a total of 50 minutes of biking. I can't even remember the last time I went biking. Felt great. I was exhausted when I got back. We went to breakfast and then off to mop and vacuum the floors one last time at the old place.

I did overeat just a smidge both days, but my attitude was way better than most recent weekends. I did say no to that ice cream cone that everyone else had on Saturday. That was so tough, too, because it's my favorite ice cream in the world. I don't much care for ice cream but there's this little hot dog stand that has soft serve ice cream that they dip in a really thick rich chocolate shell. But I said no. Now, I didn't say no to the two, yes two, milk shakes I had on Sunday. But I was good the rest of the time. Most of it was more of a mental attitude towards the food. Just trying to get my head back on straight.

Small steps.

I want to thank all of you for your encouragement. Your comments blew me away. I'm so happy that my words could help just one person in their journey. That's been my hope all along. I will always be honest in my blog. This is my accountability and if I'm not honest here, I'll never be honest anywhere. You guys are awesome.

Together we can do this. I can't do it without you guys. I can always expect an honest responses from you guys. And I thank you for that.

2 days into my "re-birth" in weight loss: I blogged like I said I was going to. I biked like I said I was going to. I indulged, but not too much, like I should. So far so good...


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Cheaters Never Win!

Hi, my name is Cara and I'm a food addict.


I'm tempted to leave my blog post with just those 10 words because that about sums up my life right now.

Of course, you can tell, I haven't posted since July 20th. Let's see. On July 20th, I was 2/10ths of a pound away from my momentous 100 pound loss. That was the day I used my first EVER "no-weigh-in-pass". What a stupid invention.

Don't get me wrong, I can totally appreciate their intentions when they decided to come up with the concept. There are those weeks when we just can't face the scale being up. But for me, I see it as a way that I can cheat myself and deny the truth. The truth is, I'm up. No denying it. It is what it is. But when I allowed myself to use that first NWI pass, that was when I told myself it was okay to be up. I mean it was just a few pounds, right? What's a few pounds? Not much in the grander scheme of things. That's for sure.

But for me, those few pounds meant alot. It meant I had this eating thing under control. I'd learned how I could only be up a few pounds. I used, or rather manipulated, the system to my advantage. I learned how I could "be on plan" and eat what I wanted at the same time. I embraced that saying "You're only one meal away from being back on plan."

For me, every day was one meal away from being on plan. I would eat my points for breakfast but then eat whatever I wanted for lunch and then for dinner be back on plan. Or maybe it would be starting off with a horrible breakfast but then eating on plan for the rest of the day.

The problem was, every day I was allowing myself to go off plan and then telling myself it was okay because I would get right back on plan with that next meal... every day.

There's a flaw in there somewhere (she says sarcastically). I was allowing myself to eat what I wanted and covered it all up with "I'm still on plan". Because I was.

Now here I sit, 9 pounds over my "spectacular" 100 pound loss. I'm now back to September of last year's weight. September 2008! I've now, officially waisted an entire year of weight loss efforts. I've gained and lost the same 10 pounds for a solid year now. Every day, sacrificing and contemplating and lamenting. Over and over again. And I've flushed almost $500 of WW dues straight down the drain.

Who's to blame?

How did this happened?

Easy answers. I'm to blame. I've figured out how to cheat the system and get what I want out of it. What do I want? To eat what I want. This will always be my problem. I'm addicted to food. I love it. I cherish it. I dream about it. My every waking thought is about food. There's no denying it. There's no way around it.

It's like telling an alcoholic "I know you're addicted, but here, drink this one small glass of liquor in the morning before you go to work, once again at lunch time and another glass for dinner. But you can't have any more than just that one small glass. And you HAVE to drink it. You don't have a choice. You just have to NOT drink more than that one glass of alcohol."

That's how I feel.

And I have to live with that.


Today starts my road to recovery. Being as I can't abstain from my addiction, I have to learn to coexist with it and learn to keep it under control. Hardest thing of my life. But I have to. I don't have a choice.

Accountability is the only thing that will save me from this addiction. If I don't account for my eating and exercise habits here, I'll continue to keep cheating the system in secret and never lose another pound for as long as I live. So I need to commit myself to blogging again. Regularly. I will commit to blogging every other day. I know, that's an awful steep goal when I haven't blogged in a month and a half. But it's the only way is see to start losing again.

I'm starting right now. Right here. Today.

Today I will commit to eating on plan. And tomorrow I will commit to going on a bike ride in the morning. I'll let you know how all this went on Monday.

I could really use some encouragement right now. Please tell me you guys are still out there. You haven't given up on me have you? Are you still there? Help me get through this.