Saturday, August 29, 2009

Cheaters Never Win!

Hi, my name is Cara and I'm a food addict.

...

I'm tempted to leave my blog post with just those 10 words because that about sums up my life right now.

Of course, you can tell, I haven't posted since July 20th. Let's see. On July 20th, I was 2/10ths of a pound away from my momentous 100 pound loss. That was the day I used my first EVER "no-weigh-in-pass". What a stupid invention.

Don't get me wrong, I can totally appreciate their intentions when they decided to come up with the concept. There are those weeks when we just can't face the scale being up. But for me, I see it as a way that I can cheat myself and deny the truth. The truth is, I'm up. No denying it. It is what it is. But when I allowed myself to use that first NWI pass, that was when I told myself it was okay to be up. I mean it was just a few pounds, right? What's a few pounds? Not much in the grander scheme of things. That's for sure.

But for me, those few pounds meant alot. It meant I had this eating thing under control. I'd learned how I could only be up a few pounds. I used, or rather manipulated, the system to my advantage. I learned how I could "be on plan" and eat what I wanted at the same time. I embraced that saying "You're only one meal away from being back on plan."

For me, every day was one meal away from being on plan. I would eat my points for breakfast but then eat whatever I wanted for lunch and then for dinner be back on plan. Or maybe it would be starting off with a horrible breakfast but then eating on plan for the rest of the day.

The problem was, every day I was allowing myself to go off plan and then telling myself it was okay because I would get right back on plan with that next meal... every day.

There's a flaw in there somewhere (she says sarcastically). I was allowing myself to eat what I wanted and covered it all up with "I'm still on plan". Because I was.

Now here I sit, 9 pounds over my "spectacular" 100 pound loss. I'm now back to September of last year's weight. September 2008! I've now, officially waisted an entire year of weight loss efforts. I've gained and lost the same 10 pounds for a solid year now. Every day, sacrificing and contemplating and lamenting. Over and over again. And I've flushed almost $500 of WW dues straight down the drain.

Who's to blame?

How did this happened?

Easy answers. I'm to blame. I've figured out how to cheat the system and get what I want out of it. What do I want? To eat what I want. This will always be my problem. I'm addicted to food. I love it. I cherish it. I dream about it. My every waking thought is about food. There's no denying it. There's no way around it.

It's like telling an alcoholic "I know you're addicted, but here, drink this one small glass of liquor in the morning before you go to work, once again at lunch time and another glass for dinner. But you can't have any more than just that one small glass. And you HAVE to drink it. You don't have a choice. You just have to NOT drink more than that one glass of alcohol."

That's how I feel.

And I have to live with that.

So...

Today starts my road to recovery. Being as I can't abstain from my addiction, I have to learn to coexist with it and learn to keep it under control. Hardest thing of my life. But I have to. I don't have a choice.

Accountability is the only thing that will save me from this addiction. If I don't account for my eating and exercise habits here, I'll continue to keep cheating the system in secret and never lose another pound for as long as I live. So I need to commit myself to blogging again. Regularly. I will commit to blogging every other day. I know, that's an awful steep goal when I haven't blogged in a month and a half. But it's the only way is see to start losing again.

I'm starting right now. Right here. Today.

Today I will commit to eating on plan. And tomorrow I will commit to going on a bike ride in the morning. I'll let you know how all this went on Monday.

I could really use some encouragement right now. Please tell me you guys are still out there. You haven't given up on me have you? Are you still there? Help me get through this.

.

18 comments:

Sheilagh (60 x60) said...

Welcome back, I am so glad to see you.

You are a brave and very honest woman.

The difficulty in being addicted to food as opposed to being an alcoholic is, we need food to live, we don't need alcohol. So the difficulty is there before us every day every meal, every morsel we put into our mouths.

But it is alocholics who get all the help and food addicts get frowned upon!!

Here in the Uk unemployed alcoholics get extra cash benefits because the are alcoholic. Food addicts just get frowned upon!!

Cara, it is a difficult path, but you know how to do it, you need to love YOU more. Self sabotage is awful, painful both physically and emotionally.

Welcome back, it's a new day... a fresh page in the book of your life. Go Go Go....

Hugs

Sheilagh

Shelley said...

I'm so glad to see you back, Cara! Thank you for being so honest about what you have been going through. What you said really helps me to remember that this is a forever journey. I want you to know that I am rooting for you to succeed! Hugs to you...and good luck!

Marisa (Trim The Fat) said...

Still here, Cara! And completely relating to and understanding exactly what you are going through. I think I have come to realize that emotional eating is the final key to the weight loss puzzle. Happy, sad, stressed, elated, mad, anxious - I eat for all of it. Food is the way I soothe myself. I love it and it always loves me back.

I wish you the strength to regroup and regain the confidence you had when you reached your goal. You continue to be an inspiration :)

TjRenee said...

I'm still here and reading!

And unfortunately, find myself in the same situation. I got past my 100# goal and now find myself up 10#. Grrrr!!

I'm not giving up - even though I've eaten ALL my calories for the day already. Reading your post has helped give me some perspective. Thanks!

screwdestiny said...

And here I was just about to stop following, thinking you'd disappeared for good. So glad you're back! It was brave to share this with all of us, and it's great 'cause it's the first step to getting back to where you want to be again. Looking forward to your posts. :)

Melanie said...

Welcome back, we're still here & very glad you found your way back too. You're worth it & we're all looking forward to seeing you reach your goals.
I can very much relate to the food addiction. When I decided to start working on my weight and health this time, I knew I had to have a different approach. It couldn't be about eating X, Y & Z and exercising until the weight came off. I'm learning how to coexist with my food. I'm trying to learn that my comfort foods don't love me back the way I love them, but they sure do stick around for me...just on my ass though; not quite what I had in mind.
This time around HAS turned into something different. It's no longer a destination to 120 pounds. This is my journey to the best me I can be. I no longer only eat certain foods. That deprivation makes me self-sabotage every single time. I HATE feeling like I'm not allowed to do something or eat something. Now I eat it, but try to control it the best I can. Some days are easier than others.

My other new tool is Overeater's Anonymous. I can say whatever I want in that meeting & I know that there is probably someone in there who has felt the same way, eaten in such a destructive way, and experienced similar lows and highs of trying to control our demon of loving food too much. It's a source of support and hope & I'm learning how to deal with my feelings instead of stuffing them inside with food.
If you have any meetings in your area, maybe you can try a few out. It's free and maybe it's just what you need to get over that hump of denying yourself the glory of reaching your goal.

wahoostampingirl said...

So glad to see you back. I had only just started to read your blog before your "break", but I really enjoyed it.

You say you wasted a whole year and $500 by being at the same weight that you were last year. I have to disagree. Even though you struggled, you kept at it through that whole year. You didn't just give up and gain back all your weight, which is something that most of us have done at some time or the other.

Looking forward to reading more.

Lisa said...

I am going to start again with you Cara...

SeaShore said...

You could view it as having maintained your loss since last September, since maintenance is a bit of a scale dance. However, as I have followed your blog since then, I know that's not what you wanted.

I agree about skipping a weigh in. It's a bad idea for me too. Really bad.

Good for you for coming back at 9 pounds gained. It could have been worse. You know a good chunk of that will come off quickly when you are truly on plan.

I'm glad you're back! Have a good bike ride :)

jinxxxygirl said...

I'm so glad your back Cara. I had a bad, bad feeling you were in trouble. It was frustrating to not be able to reach out and help you. I think you'll find most of us are still here eagerly waiting your return.

You can do this!

JInx!

HopeFool said...

Hi Cara,

You CAN do it. You can get back on the wagon and stay there.

I know how hard it is. I've been there. Down 140 and then up and down 20 for (over) a year. Unfortunately, I lost the war. I gained it all back - every pound.

I never would have thought it possible to get all the way back to where I started, but I did.

I want so much to encourage you. I want to give you the answer, or the key, or whatever, but I'm not sure I know what it is. Maybe the best I can do is to discourage you by BEING YOUR (potential) FUTURE.

You may remember feeling terrible when you were at your highest, but I am here to say that gaining it all back feels worse than being morbidly obese in the first place. Much worse.

For me, the gain was gradual at first. People would say "It's no big deal". I'm here to tell you they lie. It IS a big deal. Every single pound gained is more crucial than it was when you lost it.

God, I hope I don't sound mean. I just so desperately want to help you NOT end up where I am.

If I had it to do all over again, if I could go back in time to where you are on your path, it would be like winning the lottery. So as bad as you may feel right now, please don't because you have won the lottery (through hard work). You are still down 90, and that's miraculous. Be thankful for it every single moment and with every single breath, every single meal and every single mile you walk.

I hope to read you again very soon.

Lauri said...

Hey, Cara,
I think we all know what it usually means when a blogger disappears, and we all knew coming back would have to be something you chose to do. I had faith you would be back, and as always, with complete honesty. The good news is that since the gain is so recent, it will probably drop more quickly if you really get back on track. The other thing I want to mention is this. You have used the tools you have to get to this point, and they basically worked for you. Maybe it's time to stop and re-asses where you are and look at the tools you are using. In my biggest loser meetings, the emphasis is on eliminating restrictive dieting because of where it ends up taking us. The lessons taught are all about becoming an instictive eater. I believe there is a lot of merit it what is being taught. Again, there is no plan or tool that is right for everyone. I listen but still know I have to watch my carbs additionally....at least for now. Perhaps later down the road it will change. Our bodies change and our needs, both physical and mental, change as we age and as we progress through the journey. So perhaps you should just take a bit to look around you to see if there are alternative concepts that at this point in your life may be more beneficial to your needs. I am NOT saying anything negative about WW by no means! I just believe we all have to find what is best for us individually.
All that said, you know so many are inspired by you and look forward to your blogs and successes. Please keep knowing you are worth every effort you make, but our love for you is never defined by it.

Lake Mary WWLeader said...

You are so brave to be so honest with yourself and all of us. I have been there with you through it all and I have never given up on you once! You can succeed and you can do this! You have the tools, you have the knowledge, and you have your entire WW family behind you as well. If you believe, you will achieve. Keep on going!

LdyLisa said...

Can I just say that I found your blog by accident. What you have done so far is AMAZING. It is real life you are talking about here with all the struggles and ups and downs that most of us experience. Keep going you can do it. I am just starting and I can only hope to do half as well as you have. If you are feeling like letting yourself down. Think about all the people watching and don't let them down. Just like it is easier to help someone else clean their house than your own.. Try to think of that when you are feeling weak. In the end it is a win win situation. Great job.. Dreams can come true for those with the courage to pursue them.- Walt Disney. Lisa.

justjuliebean said...

I'm glad you're back. Sometimes when it all gets to be too much, I just stay at maintaining, seems much easier. I follow no plan, which is good, since i wouldn't follow it, but I try to minimize the food that I eat that's not conducive to weight loss (not eliminate it), and maximize fruits and veggies and other things I feel are helpful. It's a psychological battle more than a food one for me, and I do much better to remember that. May not be the case for you, but somewhere you'll need to find a lifestyle that doesn't feel restrictive, out of control, or uncomfortable for whatever reason. Or punishing.

Hua said...

Hello Cara,

I want to congratulate you on already losing so much weight! It is great to read about how far you have come on your weight loss goal. You are really close to attaining your goal and I am sure you will get there.

With your blog, I feel that you can help those who seek knowledge and encouragement about Weight Loss on Wellsphere.com, which currently receives over 6 million visitors a month. Wellsphere.com has a large and growing HealthBlogger community of over 2,600 bloggers who motivate and support each other.

Feel free to check out the HeathBlogger Network at http://www.wellsphere.com/health-blogger or email me at hua [at] wellsphere [dot] com.

Keep Blogging/Keep up the good work,
Hua
Director of Blogger Networks

Matthew said...

Thanks for your blog Cara! I feel like I'm in the same boat! It will be 1 year ago next month that I reached my goal, but I haven't seen that weight since then! It's been slowly creeping back on, week after week, month after month. I raised my goal weight, and my weight has continued to increase as well. I am also a food addict. That is my main problem. I have no self-control when it comes to my favorite foods. Today I am getting back on plan too! I hope to get back to my goal weight by my 1 year anniversary of first attaining it. So here we go....! -(Jenn A.)

MaryFran said...

You have my support! So glad to see you back on here and posting!!!!!! You know what to do, you just need to implement it...which you are doing! Welcome back!

Incidentally, I would have totally understood if you would have left it with that short few worded beginning about being a food addict!!! DItto for me!