Monday, July 20, 2009

Oh no, my old eating habits are back...

Okay, so maybe this "break" think wasn't such a good idea.

I think I might have fallen back into my old eating habits.

The other day, I snuck a piece of cake. No one knew I bought it or ate it. I disposed of all evidence... including the receipt. I even buried the container it came in at the bottom of the trash bag. This is something I used to do very frequently "when I was fat".

I've also been having monster size cravings. I know that was one of the hardest things for me when I first started losing weight. I would sit there all day long and dream of all the food I couldn't eat. The problem is, I've been eating that food lately, though in moderation, but I'm thinking now I should be. It seems that if I eat whatever I want to, even in moderation, it's only going to lead to wanting to eat more.

Whenever there's a lull in my day, instead of daydreaming about things I want to do or places I want to go or accomplishments I want to happen, I start really visualizing all the cakes and pies and cookies and pastries and donuts and candies. With vivid detail. Enough so that I can even smell them.

So I'm thinking that this is going to take me a bit longer to come back to my proper eating habits. It's also made me think... I always thought that one day, after I'd reached goal and had my weight under control, I'd be able to return to the foods I used to eat, but just eat them in smaller quantities, reasonable quantities. Now, I'm not sure that's going to happen. I don't want to have to fight these urges for the rest of my life.

I think I'm going to have to stick to indulging "on occasion" and definitely not with any regularity. Ever!

But you know what, I think I'm okay with that. Sure, I'm sure I'll still think about and dream about all the yummies that I can't have, but I think it's a fair trade. I mean, what's the alternative?

Eat what I want, whether it's large or small portions, and continue to gain all my weight back?

Or eat what I want on occasion and keep the weight off.

I think I'd much rather choose the latter. I don't ever want to be fat again!!! Never!!!

So now I just need to change my mindset back to focusing in on eating healthy and staying thin (or rather, getting down to thin, I'm still in the "overweight" category right now).

Get focused back on my overall goals and be happy with the process along the way.

Man, this is so hard.



HD@Losing Weight-Healthy Heart said...

You can do it Cara - stay strong and focused! Remember how great it feels to stay on track!

spunkysuzi said...

That's exactly what i'm like, i can indulge every now and then but i really have to watch that it doesn't become more often.
This is one week that i'm not really keeping track as i'm going out to eat a lot and really can't plan much.
Next week i'll be back with a passion :)

Roxie said...

I don't know if I will ever learn moderation. I think about it sometimes, but I know for me, it's such a slippery slope. I do know that I'm better at saying no to the first treat than I am the second.

I wish you luck in finding something that works for you. It's a tough battle for sure.

Stephanie said...

my biggest problem with eating foods i use-to eat is when I am around other people...especially ones I associate going out to eat with. I get to the resturaunt and all my will power goes out the window...I eat too much of the wrong foods, and then I eat like that for awhile until I finally say "stop it!!! It was one night, not a whole week!!" I wish I could get to a place where I could leave it at that one night, or better yet making dinner at home, or eating healthier items off a menu. I need to get better about saying no to things, and letting people know I can't have the double layer fudge cake....

F. McButter Pants said...

Oh the wonderful thing we call the brain! It is really trying to get you to think that you are back to square one. One cake episode does not make it habit. You came clean here and once you give it a voice sometimes the crazy self defeating thoughts will go away.

Remember it's not the caboose of the train that kills ya, it's the engine! I am with Roxie...I too am better at saying to the 1st treat then the 2nd.

You can do this HARD thing!

Wendy said...

Wow! Your honest is SO HELPFUL.
I am back to my high end as well. It seems to simple, but it helps just to hear you say: This is so hard.

It's not that misery loves company. It's that somebody out there can relate to what I'm going through.

I am not alone. THAT is the part that is powerful.

thank you Cara!

Carol said...

What I have learned, having been on weight maintenance for just over a year and a half, is that it NEVER ends. It really is a lifestyle change in how I (we) eat. I still track my calories every day and I still measure out everything. If I don't, then my "evil part" tells me lies and gives me justifications on why I should be able to defy physics and eat more calories than I should and not gain weight. That part of me is like a drug addict, and cannot be trusted. There is an "abnormal" part of me that got me fat in the first place and I always need to keep that part of me under control because this was the LAST TIME I'm ever going to have to lose these pounds! It can be done but you must be intentional about it. And you're right, it is hard. Often I think it's harder than the initial loss. But it is so worth it! Good luck!

NewMe said...

Well, I'm going to stick my neck out and say that as hard as it is, moderation is the way to go. The problem is, if you've lost lots of weight by reining yourself in, using raw willpower and constant denial, you may very well end up wanting to scream and stuff your face full of everything you've denied yourself for so long.

The next time you go for that "evil" piece of cake, try this out for size: eat it really, REALLY slowly so you can savour the taste. The amazing this is, you might find that it actually tastes like sugary cardboard and that it's not all that it's cracked up to be. You might (gasp!) realize that you actually don't want a second piece or you don't even want to finish that first piece.

I know that this is pretty radical and most weight loss bloggers reject it outright, but I'll just keep preaching in the desert.

Unless you were a Buddhist monk in a past life, I have my doubts about constant denial as a long-term solution.

MaryFran said...

Just when I think those habits have been eradicated from my system, they rear their ugly head! You can do it! You know what to's just a 'simple' little thing of implementing it!

Annalisa201 said...

You are not alone. This post sums up what we are all going through. It's not easy. You can do it!

I've had this on my mind a lot lately, as I'm about 15lbs to my goal weight... then what? How will I feel... how easy/difficult will it be to maintain that weight? Will I want to lose more, or will I find it's too hard to maintain, and comfortably settle at the weight I am now? It's something I will have to figure out when I get there. You'll do the right thing, I'm sure.

Merry said...

It's so much easier to go back to bad habits than it is to go back to good ones. Unfair!

Anonymous said...

Where'd you go? I stumbled onto your blog and loved the layout and your message....and then you left :(

JC said...

Girl, I'm going through the same thing. I decide to not dwell so much on dieting and next thing I know I'm eating the wrong foods and by little pants are getting tight.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're okay, it's a month almost since you posted?

Like NewMe, I'm a fan of moderation, though I realize it doesn't work for everyone. I do love me some chocolate cake, but usually I'll just have a bite of someone elses, or split a piece with a friend or three. Some places near me sell these mini-cupcakes, others these tiny little chocolate bombs, they're small but do the trick. Oddly, I crave this stuff less and less, and love fruit more and more as I approach non-overweight.

Kate said...

There is nothing wrong with indulging every so often but is is all about moderation.