Reaching goal... sometime before I die

"Still haven't reached goal."

I think that's going to be my epitaph.

--

I started on Weight Watchers' new PointePlus plan last week. I started on Monday but my meeting wasn't until Saturday, so I was only half informed, but I gave it a try anyway.

I broke even--no loss, no gain.

I didn't eat all of my daily points. They say that'll effect your weight loss, or rather your lack thereof. So this week, I'm making it an effort to each all 29 points (or rather PointsPluses--just sounds so weird saying that like that).

So far, so good.

Saturday, we went to Disney and all we did all day long was ride the rides. There are only really 3 rides (adult rides, that is) in the park, so we spent the whole day hopping between those three rides--Thunder Mountain (the train), Spalsh Mountain (the water flume ride) and Space Mountain (the jerkiest most violent roller coaster one could ever go on).

We'd stand for about an hour then ride for 5 minutes--all... day... long.

Had a blast, though!

The best part was the activity points I got to rack up. Because I was on my feet for 12 hours straight (not counting the hour interspersed throughout the day when I was actually sitting on the rides), I racked up 40 activity points!

Woo hoo!

That really helped, because I didn't hold back while at the park. I had fried shrimp with a few fries then a hot fudge sundae and a huge bucket of popcorn.

Then Sunday wasn't much better.

But today I was back to my regular eating. Spent 29 points on my food today. I have 22 activity points left. I don't think I'll need them. Besides, I do plan on racking up a few more (hopefully several more) activity points this week. I want to start doing spin class again. It's so hard to get to, though, because it starts at 6pm and I get off work at 5:30 so I have to RUN straight from work to the gym and still have time to get changed before all the bikes are taken.

I have to say, though, that I'm not crazy about eating 29 points each day. I mean, heck, when I first started Weight Watchers almost 4 years ago, I was 100 pounds heavier and I had 34 points a day. It just seems like a huge step backwards for me. But I realize that the food carries more points than it used to with the old Points system. It still feels like I'm eating too much, though.

But being as I broke even last week, and did not each all 29 points each day, I'm trying to eat the 29 points each day and hopefully lose this week.

Sounds like such a weird strategy. But I'm willing to try ANYTHING at this point.

I just want to reach goal.

...in this lifetime!

Chobani is my favorite ingredient...

Today is casual Friday at work.

I LOVE casual Fridays!!

For a number of reasons that are work related, but one of my top five is getting to wear jeans. I HATE wearing professional clothes to work. The type of work I do, I don't interact with customers—EVER. So casual clothes would do me just fine all week long. But alas, I have my beloved casual day but once a week.

The coolest thing right now, though, is that even though I'm still up 3 pounds since before vacation, I feel PERFECT in my jeans!! They're not snug—AT ALL. They fit me like the jeans fairy made them especially for me.

Dear Blue Jeans,

I love you! Thank you for being so kind to me this morning.

Your pal, Cara

I thought I'd share something with you I made this past week that I REALLY like. I got the recipe from a southern magazine but then tweaked it a bit to my liking.

Of course the major change was taking out the cream cheese and substituting plain Chobani Greek Yogurt. It added a ton of protein to the dish, less fat, and I think added a bit more flavor to it overall.

I don't know if you guys have ever had Polenta, I hadn't. For me, it tasted kinda like a grits or cream of wheat type of dish. It's definitely a breakfast item.

The recipe was called Creamy Pumpkin Polenta but I changed it to:

CHO-Pumpkin Polenta

Here's how to make it:

• Boil 5 1/2 cups water with a tsp of kosher salt then add 1 1/3 cups corn meal. Stir until the mixture is nice and thick and creamy. About 10-15 minutes.

• Remove from heat and add one 6-oz container of vanilla Chobani Greek Yogurt (or you could use plain), 1 cup of pureed (or canned) pumpkin and 1 tsp nutmeg. Stir until well blended.

That's it!

Super easy to make and very, very yummy!! I totally look forward to eating it every morning. The recipe says it makes 6 servings of 3/4 cup each, but mine made seven 1-cup servings. Weight Watcher's points(R) value = 3 pts per cup. The recipe said it was 190 calories, but I'll bet it was less than that once I took out the cream cheese and substituted the Chobani.

This is a great breakfast. Tons of protein. Tons of fiber. Loads of flavor. And something different than your morning oatmeal.

Let me know if you try it. I'm curious how you like it.

155

Okay, so it's been a MONTH since my last post. I'm a total blogging dead-beat!

A lot has happened since then, but then again, not so much. Since then, I've lost a total of 5.2 lbs. But if you remember, I had just come back from vacation where I'd gained about 8.2 lbs (officially, according to Weight Watchers--unofficially I gained 12 lbs on my scales at home because there was a no-weigh-in pass that I took the week I got back).

I still have 3 more pounds to lose to be back to the weight I was before vacation--before the week of Sept 18-26.

Okay, now that I got that outa the way. I have to say that I am as determined as ever to lose these last few pounds to make it to goal. Right now, I'm at 164.8.

If you remember last time, I'd resolved to change my goal weight to 160 rather than Weight Watcher's goal of 155 (the heaviest I can weigh (according to their charts) for my age and height). Well, I have to admit something to you. I secretly want to make it all the way down to 155.

I can't help it. It's something I still want.

I haven't gone to the doctor yet to ask him to write me a note saying that 160 is a healthy weight for me (which I'm SURE he'd do in a heart beat). But I really DO want to make it to 155.

I know I had made up my mind to not be defined by a number but be instead be defined by how I feel in my skin and in my clothes. And don't get me wrong, I still do want that. In fact, I want that SO badly. But I still cant get that figure outa my head--155.

It haunts me still.

This is why...

It's 10 pounds less than where I am right now.

Well...

Over the past 4 weeks, I've lost 6.6 lbs.

Pause for dramatic effect...

That tells me that I'm doing this right and I CAN lose the weight. It's all in my head. Sure, there's metabolism and eating the right foods (low sodium, low sugar, low fat, high fiber, high protein, low carbs, etc., etc., etc.). But more importantly is my mental ability to will myself to lose weight.

I swear, for the past 4 years, it's been more about the battles I've had in my head than the battles in the numbers and on the scales. Sure, those are the outward evidences of it all. But the internal--both mental and emotional--has been my real struggle.

So, yea, I do want to feel good in my skin and be proud of my body. And I am. But I do still want to get down to 155.

I know it's a total contradiction and I don't know what to do with it.

Maybe that's why I haven't blogged in so long. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the road with a fork in front of me asking me to decide which road to take and I just keep digging at the ground in between the two paths so I can take both of them.

The thing is, sooner or later, I'm gonna have to choose... and I just don't know how.

.

So this is what a new journey looks like...

Well, I am officially on a new path in my weight loss journey.

I've completely stopped weighing myself in the mornings and I feel so good. Liberated, actually. The only weigh-in for me is going to be on Saturday mornings at Weight Watchers and I may or may not look at the results. We'll see.

This past Saturday, I had my first weigh in since vacation. Now, mind you, vacation was Sept 18-26. I weighed in the Friday before I left (17th) and while I was up there, I weighed in on the following Monday (20th), just 2 days into my trip. By then, I'd only gained 1 full pound. I thought that was pretty good considering I'd already eaten a ton of peanut butter fudge and I actually had fried chicken one day. But then it dawned on me that I didn't have to weigh-in for another week and a half (Oct 2nd) and, in fact, I'd have a full week of being back home and back on plan before I had to weigh in to get any extra pounds from vacation off.

Well, that plan backfired.

When I got home, I stepped on the scales at home and I'd gained... gulp... wait for it... 12.6 pounds.

Yikes, is an understatement.

But I still had a full 5 days before weigh in so I figured I could probably get a few of those pounds off, and actually I did. By Saturday morning, I was only up 5 pounds (I'd lost 7 pounds that week) since before vacation.

But you know what I did. I took a no weigh in pass. I figured that would give me one more week to get back down to within a few pounds of where I was before I left.

Well, that didn't work either. I actually gained 3 more pounds last week. So my official weigh in for this past Saturday was a whopping gain of 8.2 pounds (since before vacation).

Ouch!

I know, my new plan is to not think about the pounds, but the thing that stings the most is that I've now fallen down to below my 100 pound loss mark. I'm now down to only having lost 95 pounds. I actually cried a little bit while I was sitting in Weight Watchers looking at that number.

But I dried my tears and put my head up and remembered my new journey. My new journey doesn't care about those numbers any more. My new journey cares about how I feel. So how do I feel?

Well, my jeans are getting a big snug. My beautiful skinny jeans are telling me I'm not skinny. It's only 8 pounds, but evidently 8 pounds does make a difference.

So I'm gonna call the doctor tomorrow and make an appointment (or whatever I have to do) to get the note from him saying that 160 is my healthy weight instead of 155. And my first goal is to not get down to 160 pounds, my first goal is to get my jeans fitting me again. My poochey tummy is sticking over my jeans a little too much for comfort.

I feel so much better about this new plan. I truly feel liberated. I just hope I'm doing the right thing.

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I'm going through changes...

I think I'm going through a MAJOR shift in my weigh loss journey right now. No, I know I am. I haven't been posting for a while, but I've still been on plan and forging forward in my struggles to lose the last 5-10 pounds. And I think I'm moving in a new and distinct direction right now.

As you probably know, I've been struggling with trying to get to goal for over 3 1/2 years, now. And I've struggled for the past year to lose a measly 5 pounds. I've even gotten down to where I was about 3 1/2 pounds from goal, only to shoot back up a couple of pounds and find myself, yet again, 5 pounds away from goal.

My ultimate goal was to make it to 145 lbs. But I set my Weight Watchers goal at 155 because that was the most I could weigh, for my height and age, and be at goal according to their standards.

The thing of it is, I'm not entirely certain I'll ever make it to 155.

I mean, I am the QUEEN of positive self talk. And when I set my mind to do something, not much stands in my way. I do it. And I'm a stickler for rules and doing things the right way. All of these things combined makes a good plan for success. But still, I can't quite succeed. I just can't quite make it to goal. And at some point, I need to ask myself if "goal" should be my realistic goal.

I took a much needed vacation a couple of weeks ago, from Sept 18-26. My husband and I drove up to West Virginia and spent a blissful week with my mom. Even he thought it was heaven (truly). We even found a cabin up there on her mountain that's for sale that he wants to buy (pie in the sky right now, though, we're in no financial condition to move to another state and buy a house right now, but it was a beautiful dream... someday maybe).

The week before we drove up there David and I had a good talk about my weigh loss efforts. He's so good at helping me talk through things and keep things into perspective. Some of my last posts, in fact, were talking about how I have been obsessing over my weight loss efforts to the point of it becoming borderline OCD. And during our drive up to W.Va. (which, by the way, was the best long drive I've ever been on in my life), I think I was able to come to terms with it all...

I still struggled with it some, but what I was talking through doing was switching my focus away from the pounds and focus more on how I feel, physically as well as emotionally. Most importantly, how does my body feel. How do my clothes fit. What is my self image. How confident do I feel. Those types of things.

And just over this past week, I think I've made a definite decision to change my weight loss journey. I now want to focus solely on how I feel and not what I weigh. And I think I feel really great about that decision.

Which brings me back to Weight Watchers... As many of you know, I have not missed one Weight Watchers meeting since I started in May 2007. I have attended a meeting once a week since May 12, 2007. I've even received 3 certificates from my leader for perfect attendance. And that's something I'm wholeheartedly proud of.

I don't want to quit Weight Watchers. I've learned so much on WW. I've come so far. There's no way I could have done any of this without WW... and of course, this blog and you guys (and my husband's support).

So I think what I'm going to do is make an appointment with my doctor and ask him if 160 would be a healthy weight for me to maintain and just make that my goal. I've weighed ABOUT 160 pounds for the last year and a half (give or take 2 or 3 pounds). So I'm sure he will agree that it's a healthy weight for me.

And then I'll ask him to write a note saying that 160 is a healthy weight for me and take it to Weight Watchers and have them adjust my official WW goal.

That way, I can reach goal and get this monkey off my back.

I tell you, it's been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. I keep telling myself that if I go to the doctor and change my weight goal with Weight Watchers, I'll be cheating. And I won't REALLY have reached goal. Like I took some sort of lame short cut to the finish line.

And I hate those thoughts.

But I know I just can't keep going like this forever.

The fact is, I feel good in the skin I'm in right now. My clothes fit me perfectly. I truly FEEL skinny. I look healthy. I don't look fat. Truth be told I'm only 5-10 pounds overweight according to most of the weight charts in America right now. So I just need to keep focused on these thoughts and away from the "shortcut" thoughts.

On a side note, while I was on vacation, I ate whatever I wanted to. I told myself before I went up there that I was going to do that, but just be sure to eat small portions. But that was out the window when I walked through the door and my mom made me my grandmother's recipe of peanut butter fudge--my all time favorite thing in the world!

So needless to say, I gain about 12 pounds while I was up there. Yikes, huh?!

I'm okay with it, though. I've been able to get about 7 of those pounds off. I'll have the rest off in no time. Even if it takes me a few months. I really do feel good about it all.

I truly feel happy in the skin I'm in.

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Obsession or "Planning"...

Well, I did it. I weighed in this morning. I sure didn't want to, but I had no choice.

The good news (well, kinda) is that I only gained (officially) 2.2 pounds.

Whew!

I was TRULY expecting a 5 pound gain. When I weighed myself at home this morning before I went to Weight Watchers I was still up 4.8 pounds from what I weighed at home Saturday before last.

It's so confusing because at home I'm up 5 pounds. At Weight Watchers I'm up only 2.2 and at the gym I'm up only 1 pound ... all from 2 Saturday's ago. I weight myself at the gym every Saturday morning just after breakfast (after Weight Watchers). So I'm weighing at the exact same time on the exact same scales in all three places each Saturday morning. Ugh!   ...I digress.

Okay, back to the good part. I can handle only a 2.2 pound gain. I'm still above the 100 pound mark. My total loss is still 103.8 pounds (that's my Weight Watcher's loss--I always like to state that because I lost 10 lbs on NutraSystems the year before I started Weight Watchers and I like to add those 10 lbs in there whenever I can--so it's a total of 113.8).

I tell you, if I had dipped below the 100 pound mark I can't image what would have happened. I don't ever--ever--want to go below that mark again. And I tell you I was completely petrified that I'd done that. So I'm SO ecstatic that I didn't. So, yay!

My husband (who is the most wonderful man on this planet) and I had a discussion this morning that really got me to thinking. We were talking about how just about all I ever talk about is food or weight loss. Sure, we have other conversations, but inevitably, food will somehow get worked into every conversation. And you know, that's true. If I'm not talking about what I ate, I'm talking about what I'm going to eat or what I want to eat or what I want to bake or cook. And I have to be honest, probably at least 50% (if not more) of the shows I like to watch on TV are related to food, somehow.

It is like an obsession with me.

But the weird part is, I'm not sure how to turn it off or slow it down. I mean, #1, I do love food. Everything about it. And, #2, I have to always be thinking about and planning what I'm going to eat or how this or that will effect my weight loss efforts or (lately) how it'll effect my exercise efforts. I see no way around those types of thoughts.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I can take control of the "afterthoughts". I think those are the one's I should learn to let go. The things like "Oh, I had the most wonderful "whatever-it-is" for lunch today (and then I proceed to go into great detail about every taste and bite and texture)" or "I'm so mad that I ate those chips last night" or "I'll bet you if I wouldn't have eaten that piece of cake I would have lost weight this week" or even something as harmless ad "Ooo, did you see that? That casserole looks amazing! I wonder how many point it is?".

I'm seeing that there's a difference between planning about what I'm going to eat and obsessing over what I've already eaten and have no control over or contemplating something that I know I can't eat (or don't want to because it would either be too many points or would send me off the deep end wanting more and more).

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. It does seem like such a fine line, but I think it's one that needs distinction. All I know is that I can't keep this up. I do obsess over every kind of food and everything associated with food. And I know it's not healthy.

Did you know that I have not one but TWO food calendars in my cubical at work? Yup, I have a scrumptious calendar that has huge, very fattening, very luscious looking photos for each month and to offset that I got a "Healthified" calendar that hangs right next to it so I could justify looking at the "bad for me" foods. That's just messed up!

Yes, I'm obsessed.

People always come in my cube and say "I don't see how you can look at that all day long. It would make me want to eat it.". And I always shrug it off and say that it doesn't bother me at all. Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is feeding my obsession. I wonder what other things in my life are feeding my obsession? I think I'm going to have to reassess things.

Do you guys twitter? I do. I love it. If you want to find me, I'm @CaraShow. I found this tweet today and thought it suited me so perfectly:

"What keeps me motivated is not food itself, but all the bonds & memories the food represents." ~Julia Child"

I think that about sums it up for me.

What do you guys do? Do you obsess over food? How do you turn it off? How do you cope? How do I stop obsessing?

I'm not sure where to go from here...

So the last time I blogged, a week and a half ago, things were going pretty good. Don't they always go "good before the fall". I just hate where I am right now.

That weekend that I had that miraculous loss, well, that's when it all fell apart. See, that was the "going away" weekend for my in-laws. I guess we figured we wanted to spend as much time with them as possible before they left town (for a 4 or 5 months) so we went out to dinner on Saturday ... and Sunday ... and Monday ... and Tuesday. And, just in case you're wondering, I did not eat sensible at all ... on either of those 4 days.

By Wednesday morning, I was up 7 pounds.

Yes, that wasn't a typo ... I really gained 7 pounds!

And that's not the bad part. The bad part is that only 2 of those pounds came off by this past Saturday's weigh in.

So the way I understand quick gains like this is that they usually will come off relatively quickly (well most of it anyways) because most of it is just bulk that's left in your system that just has to have time to process through. And as long as you get right back on plan, most of the weight will come off just because of the biology of things

Except, it didn't.

And it still hasn't. I'm still up 5 pounds and my greatest fear--the fear that is taking me to my knees right now--is that those 5 pounds are going to be with me for a while.

Do you remember how long it took me to lose those precious 5 pounds?? Almost a year!!

I simply can NOT go another year and lose those same 5 pounds again! I can't do it! I can't!

Those five pounds were supposed to come off after I got back to my regular plan of eating my points and exercising.

I mean, after all, I just joined the gym (actually, just a few days before the "eating fest"). And since I joined, I've been at the gym EVERY day (seriously). And 4 days a week, I go twice a day.

Here's my exercise schedule:

Every morning:

20 minutes cardio (either the stair climber (55-60 flights) or elliptical or arc trainer) = 2 Activity Points (AP) or 280 calories burned.

45 minutes weight training = 3 AP or 400 calories burned.

Four days a week:

Same thing as above then add a spin class in the evening = 8 AP or 750 calories burned.


So, 3 days a week I burn 680 calories and earn 5 AP and 4 days a week I burn 1430 calories and 13 AP.

Here's my total for each week: I burn 7760 calories and earn 67 AP.

...I think I'm going to the gym too much.

I can't stop, though. I haven't felt this great since ... I can't remember when.

But, why the heck am I not losing weight?!?!?

I swear I have not been cheating. I have been eating on plan, inside my daily points allowance, every day. Even this past Saturday and Sunday. I didn't splurge like I usually do. Not one bit!

My husband and I think it's because I'm gaining muscle. And you know what I have to say about that?! THAT IS THE EXACT REASON WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO START WORKING OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

For 3 1/2 years, now, I've heard how if I start working out, I'll probably gain muscle and because of that I have purposefully NOT worked out. I do not want to gain muscle. I do not want to gain weight. I've been doing just fine without working out for these past 3 years and still been able to lose weight just fine.

I don't know how to justify this, but I do know that I have gained 5 pounds and I do not want to and I am petrified of weighing in on Saturday. I took a "no-weigh-in" pass last week because I didn't want that number permanently in my weight loss log. I think if I see those extra 5 pounds marked permanently in my log I will cry. I just can't do it!

I like good surprises...

So at weigh in today, I was TOTALLY (TOTALLY) shocked!!!

Okay, so you know I weigh myself every morning. Lord knows I haven't always been able to do this, but it seems to be working okay for me for now. I woke up this morning and weighed myself and was saddened to see that after a victorious spin class and one very intense workout this past week, I was at the exact same weight as I was last Saturday. :[

I've learned to not get upset at my scale. I keep my remarks down to a one-word child-safe explicative. So, I shrugged it off and hung my head all the way to Weight Watchers waiting to hear that I'd gained a few tenths or maybe at best broken even. I was fully prepared for a gain.

I lost 1.4 pounds.

Huh?!

Then I remembered that I had gained 1 pound last week and I didn't feel like I deserved it at all. And 8/10ths the week before that.

So I'm going to chalk it all up to, #1, my scale isn't accurate, and #2, my body is going to fluctuate whether I like it or not and I'm not always going to get the numbers I think I should.

And I've got to think bigger picture... As long as, over the long haul, the line is still going down, then I'm going in the right direction.

I looked back at my weight record book as I was sitting waiting for class to start this morning and since Jan 2nd, I've lost 13.4 pounds.

Some would look at that and say "You've only lost 13.4 pounds in 8 months??!!". But considering I lost a whopping FIVE POUNDS from May 2009 to June 2010, I think I'm going to count those 13 pounds as a HUGE victory. Huge!!!

So, I'm still 4.2 pounds away from my Weight Watchers goal. So, let's see, if it took me 8 months to lose 13.4 pounds, then I should have these last 4.2 pounds off by... Let's see... 8 months=35 weigh ins... 13.4 pounds lost... that's about 4/10ths lost each week... So 4/10ths divided into 4.2 pounds should be 10 weeks, right?... So if that's right (and you have to know that math has always been my WORST subject) that would be the beginning of November...

I can totally live with that! I had randomly given myself til the end of the year to reach goal, so that's right on schedule.

Oh, and on a side note, we had a substitute leader this morning. Ned was on vacation. Don't get me wrong, the sub was a nice guy, but he's NO NED! :]

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Another first... In a BIG way!!!

Well, I had another first today...

For the first time in my live long life, I took a spin class!!

I've wanted to take a spin class since I first started Weight Watchers 3 1/2 years ago. I either belonged to a gym that didn't offer spin classes or we just didn't have it in the budget to belong to a gym. But finally...

Hubby's work offered a gym membership to Lifestyles Family Fitness for $30 a month! What a bargain, huh?!

So the first thing we did (being as we just signed up yesterday) was met with a personal trainer (first 3 sessions are free, of course) to assess our workout needs and create a plan. That was this morning at 6am. Yes, 6am. I have not seen 6am since last January when I was training for my marathon.

The trainer was sweet and very helpful. Tomorrow morning we're going back to do some actual work outs (or at least learn how to do them).

But when we got the tour around the place yesterday, I noticed their schedule showed TONS of spinning classes. That was top on my list of things to do once we joined.

So the first class was today at 6pm. So I hurried home, lightening fast, from work (I work 2.2 miles from home), changed, and scrambled to the gym (1 mile from home). Got there 5 minutes early and there was only 2 bikes empty. Yikes! I almost missed my first spin class. I think I would have cried if that had happened.

So the instructor asked if there were any first-timers in the class. Me and two other people raised our hand--the brave ones. I had no clue what I was doing. She was nice and helped me adjust my bike while everyone else was warming up.

Then it began.

Oh the torture!

I've always heard how brutal spin classes are. And every word I heard was true.

I thought I had died and gone to hell.

My legs hurt so bad. She kept saying "you feel that burn? That's the lactic acid. Push through it. If it's not burning, you're not doing it right.". Well, obviously I was doing it right because it sure burned. And after a while, I was so weak in the legs. I was past the burn part and my legs were just plain spaghetti noodles.

But I didn't stop. I pushed through to the end.

You should have seen me walking down the stairs after the class was over. I mean, who's genius idea was it to put the spin class on the 2nd floor of the gym???!!! I mean, really!

I didn't think I was gonna make it down. I'm sure I look pathetic. And then when I made it outside, I stepped off the curb to head for my car and I thought I was gonna face plant into the pavement. My knees just about gave out on me.

Man, what a workout!!

I can't wait to do that again!

Tomorrow night, I'm trying another first... Zumba! Have you guys ever done a spin class or Zumba?

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Two firsts...

I've had a couple of "firsts" lately. First of all, I cut my hair.

Okay, I'm sure you're asking yourself "is this the first time you've ever cut your hair?!". He he... No, silly!

BUT... this is the first time I've ever gotten my hair cut short.

My whole life, even when I was a kid, I've had long hair. Now, it's WAY short. Well, way short for me.

So this is the new me! What do you think?

I was SO nervous at the beauty parlor. I told my stylist that I'd never gotten it cut this short IN MY LIFE but that I wanted to do something COMPLETELY different to celebrate all the weight I'd lost. I started to go shorter but she said for me to wait and wear it for a week and then see if I really wanted it shorter.

I'm glad I didn't go shorter. I really love it. I'm having so much fun with it. I feel like an all new me!!


Now for the 2nd 1st. For the first time in my life, I went rollerblading. Now, mind you, you're talking to the lady who was deathly afraid of running just 2 years ago. Remember my fear of falling and breaking a knee or arm? I was so afraid that I'd have a heart attack or worse--die. But there I was, Monday night, rollerblading.

I felt like a kid learning how to ride my bike for the first time. I kept wobbling and jerking from fear that I'd fall. But I didn't.

What fun that was!! What a blast!!!

I've always heard the roller blading is a TOUGH workout. Well, not so much for me. You see, hubby also got a pair of roller blades and when I go with him, we go kinda slow. So I really haven't worked up a sweat yet. But he's getting the hang of it and I'm sure we'll be flying soon.

It's so much fun. I sit there all day just waiting for the work day to be over so I can go home and strap on my roller blades and go for a spin.

What fun!!!

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We're all in this together... Thank goodnes...

So, okay, I realize it's been since July 29th since I've last blogged (well, before yesterday, which wasn't really a blog post). I really hate myself for not blogging because so much happens from day to day and I really do need to blog it. It helps me be able to process things better and understand what's happening to me and I know it helps others who are going through the same things.

So this is me kicking myself in the pants to get myself to blog more often. (ouch!)

As of today, I am 4.6 lbs away from my Weight Watchers goal. Last week I was 3.8 lbs away. So, yes, I gained 8/10ths of a pound this past week. I have no idea why and frankly I just don't care to analyze it to figure out why. All I know is I ate what I was supposed to and I exercises like I was supposed to. So there. Nuf sed!

I know last week at Weight Watchers I wasn't that happy. They were talking about hiding when you eat what you're not supposed to and then hiding the evidence of it after you're done with it. I don't know about you guys, but I've been doing that my whole life. I can't count how many times I'd get an extra hamburger from the drive through and eat it before I got home where I'd eat my "regular" meal with my family. Or I'd eat an entire bag of chips and dip at lunch time, then shove the evidence of them to the bottom of the trash bag so no one would be the wiser. And I can't tell you how many times I've done this type of thing since I started Weight Watchers 3 1/2 years ago.

In fact, here's a blog about my last big fall. Though this was not the last time I've done something like this. I don't know if I'll ever be free of that monkey. But I can at least acknowledge that it happens. At least there's that.

But the thing that upset me so much about the meeting last week was that I felt like I was the only one who did this. There were others in the class who seemed so genuinely confused about the whole process and couldn't imagine actually hiding what they were eating or any evidence of it after they'd eaten it. Now, my husband said that maybe no one wanted to admit it out loud because of the humiliation of it all. And maybe that is what it was, but I just felt like I was as odd as a purple winged banana flying over a big pile of tie-died chocolate leaves. I felt so ashamed that I could possibly be the only one who did this.

Then this past week (yesterday) at Weight Watchers was much better. There was a lady there who seemed to be going through the same thing I went through a little more than a year ago with my self-sabotaging. It really started about a year and a half ago when I realize I was subconsciously telling myself that I wasn't good enough to be thin. Kind of a weird concept, now, but at the time it was so devastating that I could actually purposefully do something to sabotage my health and happiness. But I did it (and still do it sometimes). Whenever things would be going good and I'd be losing weight and feeling good, I'd derail my success by eating a TON of food and gaining alot of my hard earned losses back. Just crazy. But I kept doing it over and over until I, first, realized it and, secondly, did something about it. Brought it out into the open and told it that it couldn't not control my life any more.

Anyway, it was so nice being able to help someone else with these same feelings. She had already lost 150 lbs and I think she still had another hundred to go and she had never been thin a day in her life, even as a child. So now that she was looking and feeling so much better than she ever had, she wasn't allowing herself to feel good about that. She was still wanting to hide behind the fat that wasn't there any more. She wasn't feeling worthy of her loss.

Weird how we do that. We work so hard and get such great results, but then we won't allow ourselves to accept the outcome. We still feel like we didn't do anything. Or that we still have so far to go that we don't acknowledge how far we've come.

It was neat because I noticed that our leader just sat back and let us talk it through. There were others who had other problems that we all talked through, too. Was so nice to be able to help each other like that.

You know, that's what Weight Watchers is really all about for me. It's the sense of togetherness and knowing that we're all going through the same thing or have been through the same thing. We're not alone and we want to help each other get through it all. And that's why I love this blog, too. I love sharing what I've been through and am going through because you guys help me work through it and by you helping me, you're helping yourself as well. We have an unseen connection that ties us all together and helps us pull each other along.

Weight loss is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And I'm so glad I'm not alone.

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Weight Watchers magazine for only $2.99 a year...

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P.S. I'm doing good. I'll post tomorrow to let you know how things are going. Ups and downs as usual, but I'm still hanging in there.

:)

I'm a "foodie"...

I've been thinking alot about food lately. I mean, a LOT.

I sit at work all day dreaming about food. I keep wondering what this or that would taste like. I'll even smell different types of food throughout the day that simply isn't there.

Like, I'll smell steak. Or Cheetos. Or cake. Or string cheese. ... Weird, huh?

And then I get home and think about food even more.

And being on this "diet" doesn't help matter much, because I always have to be thinking about (planning) what I'm going to eat next. And then once I've figured it out, I can't wait until I can eat it.

Remember when you were in school and class was over at 3:45 and it was 3:00 and it seemed like the clock had stopped? Every 2 seconds you'd be looking at the clock wondering why it wasn't moving any faster.

That's how I am all day long. I keep looking at the clock saying "is it time to eat yet?"

Food is all I can think of.

I even dream in food.

The other night I had a perfectly random dream that had absolutely nothing at all to do with food, but I'll be darned if the ground wasn't made of gum drops!

I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and I'll be normal if I can just stop obsessing over food.

But I can't get it out of my head.

Like just a few minutes ago I was thinking about what I ate last Saturday and planning what I was going to eat this coming Saturday. Random, huh?

One of the tools in Weight Watchers is to be prepared whenever you're heading into a social situation where you'll be eating at a restaurant. They say to either go online or stop by the restaurant before hand so you can see the menu and plan what you're going to eat so you won't be side swiped by all of the yumminess on them menu.

Well, I've been doing that my whole life! Nothing new there. We'd make a plan to go out to a particular restaurant and my mind would race over the imaginary menu in my head. What would I eat? Man! I'd have it all planned out WAY before I got to the restaurant.

So that was a "tool" I didn't have to worry about learning.

But now, I still do the same thing, but now I try to think of all the healthy things on the menu. That's a good thing, right? But I'm still doing the basic same thing, obsessing over food.

I swear, if you guys could see all of the food thoughts that go through my head all day long, every minute of the day, you'd be shocked. Not a minute goes by in my day that I'm not thinking about some sort of food.

So what do I do with that? How can I NOT obsess over food? How can I break my life-long habit of thinking about food my every waking moment?

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I think I'm winning the battle over my weekend "splurges"...

Sorry I've been away for a while. Nothing's gone wrong. I'm still going strong.

At last Saturday morning's weigh in, I lost 1.4 pounds. Yippee!! But then I quickly gained 5 1/2 pounds over the course of Saturday and Sunday.

I really cut lose.

I don't know why I keep doing that. If I'd stop, I know I'd be at goal by now. And I absolutely HATE myself come Monday morning when I step on the scale and see the damage I've done.

I was able to get all but a half pound of that quick gain off by this past Saturday's weight in (yesterday). I only gained 6/10ths of a pound--officially. If they only knew I lost 5 pounds in that one week. Sheesh!

I'm a little embarrassed to bring it up in the meeting, though. I mean who does that to themselves!? I feel so stupid for doing it. Again and again and again.

This weekend I haven't done quite as bad. I did splurge a bit yesterday, which netted a 2 pound gain on the scales this morning. But today, I've done really well and stuck with my daily 21 points.

To my defense, one of my splurges was really quite a treat and quite an exception...

I don't know if you guys know that, but I LOVE cupcakes. I mean, I REALLY love cupcakes. In fact, someday I want to have my own cupcake bakery. For me, cupcakes are a little piece of heaven. I have to admit, though, I like baking them MUCH more than eating them. Don't get me wrong, I will eat a cupcake and love every second of it, but my true pleasure comes from creating those little treats.

Luckily, there aren't very many cupcake bakeries in the Orlando area. Sure, there are bakeries that make cupcakes, but only 3 (that I know of) that are ONLY cupcake bakeries. I've been to two of them, but the third one is 45 minutes away. Well, Friday, I took the afternoon off (mental health break). I had nothing planned, it was the spur of the moment type of thing to take the afternoon off, so I decided to drive down and visit the third cupcake bakery.

To fuel my desire for this long trek was the fact that this particular bakery was on Cupcake Wars a couple of months ago and again just last week (rerun). Holis Wilder of Sweet! bakery was the winner and that's the bakery that I was heading for. The things that lady did with her cupcakes was purely amazing!

So when I got there, I bought only 2 cupcakes--key lime and boston cream. I got the boston cream mainly because I don't care much for it and thought hubby might like to have it. But after I got to the car, I thought it was a shame for me to drive all the way down there and only get 2 cupcakes, so I went back in and got 4 minis.

I didn't eat any on Friday, I saved them until after weigh in Saturday morning.

I cut the 2 regular sized cupcakes in quarter and had a quarter of each of them. Then I cut the minis in half and had a half of each of the 4. So by my guesstimate, I had one whole cupcake from all the pieces and parts. Not bad, right!? (For the record, the rest of those cupcakes are still sitting in my kitchen. My daughter is stopping by tomorrow to take them with her and out of my house.)

But then, for lunch, we went to Smokey Bones and I ordered turkey, corn and fries (loaded with cheese and bacon with ranch sauce). I don't know why I put that in parentheses. Maybe it makes it a little less impactful? Oh, and all I ate was just the fries. I didn't touch the turkey and corn (got it to go instead). I know, that's nothing to be proud of. And the fries actually made me so sick. I had to stop at the drug store on the way home to get some tums because I thought I would puke before we made it home.

And that was it, the rest of the day I was on plan. We even went to see Despicable Me and I didn't get any popcorn at the theater (and that was a HUGE sacrifice!).

But still, I gained 2 pounds.

I'm not too worried, I've done good today and I'll have those 2 pounds off in no time.

This is the thing I learned from this weekend, though. I'm going to stop over-splurging on the weekends. No more cheese fries or fried chicken or (gulp) a whole tub of Helava Good sourcream and onion dip with a whole bag of Ruffles. It's just not that appealing to me any more. I think I'm finally at the point to where I can splurge in smaller portions that still keep me on plan.

Like now, I dearly want some of the chips and dip, but I didn't buy them for fear that I'd eat them out of a moment of weakness tonight. But what I will do, is if I am still craving them over the next few days is I'll go ahead and get them, but not eat out of the tub and bag. I'll put a couple of tablespoons on a plate with a small bowl of chips. So I'm still satisfying the craving, but I've got it under control.

I'll let you know how that goes. I'm still not sure I'll get the chips, but I know I still want them.

So this week's challenge is to keep my cravings under control and give in to them only a little at a time and not let them consume me.

Last week I was 5 pounds away from goal. This week I'm 5.6. I want to be less than 5 pounds away from goal by next Saturday's weigh in. I can do it!!

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Weekend eating is gonna be my downfall...

So how did you guys do last week? Were you able to only eat when you were hungry? Or did the munchies win (again)?

I guess I'm doing pretty good when it comes to the boredom eating, but the weekends are still killing me.

Weekend before last, the 4th of July (LONG) weekend, really did me in. I ate and ate and ate. I couldn't stop myself. Well, actually, I didn't want to. I was completely in control and knew exactly what I was doing and loved every minute of it. Well, that is until I was done eating. Then I hated myself.

The worst was on Monday when we went to the Texas Roadhouse and I had cheese fries. On my way there, I was planning what I would eat. Cheese fries was not an option. I knew I'd already eaten WAY too much on Saturday and Sunday and I needed to get back in control. I even talked it over with hubby and we were both on the same page--no cheese fries!

Then... when it came time to order, I just blurted it out. Hubby said "what?" and then that loving "Cara...". I looked him straight in the eyes and said "it's okay, I know what I'm doing".

The worst part was how greasy they were. But did that stop me from eating them? No! When we were driving home afterwards I was so dern mad at myself! I felt so awful. My stomach, no, my heart, yes. I felt like I'd just betrayed myself.

I'm really hoping one of these days I'm going to be able to win the battle against the food. I love it so dearly and it makes me feel so special. 

Grated, I'm not NEARLY as bad about eating as I used to be. Man, to think of all the crap I would eat and the amount of it--regularly. I've come SUCH a long way since those days. But I still haven't won the battle entirely. What is it they say "you may have won the battle but you haven't won the war yet.". That's me.

I actually gained 5 whole pounds over the course of 3 small days.

I fought and fought and got all but 4/10ths of it off. Whew!

This past weekend I did a LOT better. I'm still up a couple of pounds but I'm sure they'll be off in the next day or two.

But on the flip side, I really did with not eating unless I was hungry. It's so darn hard in the evenings, isn't it?? Man!! It's like the munchies monster is there hiding behind the couch waiting for me to sit down. He lurks around the house, just waiting for me to slow down for a minute, then he pounces! AAAhhhh!!!

So how did you guys do?

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No, I'm not on maintenance...

I had a pretty good week last week. And it resulted in a pretty good loss. I lost 1.4 pounds. And here's how I did it...

I usually splurge (my definition of the word "splurge" is to eat whatever I want and however much of it I want, just in case you're wondering) on Saturday's after weigh in. Then I tell myself I'm not going to splurge on Sunday, but I usually splurge just as bad on Sunday's as I do on Saturdays. And then I usually over eat in some sorta way on Monday's too. Then back to the plan the rest of the week only to end up weighing exactly the same at weigh in as I did the week before. 

Great maintenance plan.

Except I'm not on maintenance!!

I'm still about 6 pounds away from goal. So what I did this past week is what I should have been doing for the past year. I did not splurge on Sunday or Monday. I was back on plan Sunday morning.

And I added something a little extra to the mix this past week. I told myself not to eat unless I was hungry.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS??!!!

Oh, wait, of course you do!

It was SO hard for me to sit here in the evenings wanting to snack but telling myself I couldn't because I wasn't hungry. I had nothing but healthy snacks in the house, too. Snacks that I could totally eat and still stay on plan. Snacks that wouldn't put me over my daily points allowance. But I would not eat unless I was actually hungry.

A couple of nights I almost convinced myself to eat something just because it had been3 or 4 hours since dinner and I knew I'm supposed to eat something every 3 to 4 hours to keep my metabolism evened out. And I almost convinced myself of that. But I didn't give in. I didn't cave. I didn't eat.

Was the hardest thing I've done in SO long. And I honestly don't know if I can do it this week.

But I'm going to try.

Who wants to try it with me? Before you hit the comment button and tell me you're on board, know that it's NOT going to be easy. You're going to feel like you're depriving your body. But remember you're not. You're only depriving your mind. Your body will let you know when it needs nourishment and you'll just have to wait until it does, no matter what your mind or emotions tell you.

So whadaya say?

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What do you get when you reach the top level of the game...

Well, I'm still in the game. I'm not gonna quit 'til I achieve the highest level possible. I'm not sure what level that is, but I'm gonna make it.

You ever play some of those Facebook games? Some of them are kinda cool. Some of them are just down right snarky and "are you kidding me?!". I've started playing a new one called Baking Life. It's kinda cute. Kinda basic. But I thoroughly enjoy it. I can bake cupcakes, tiramisu,  meringue pie, brownies, and stuff like that. I'm at level 37 (or something like that) and I don't know what the top level is. I can't find it in the documentation or help section anywhere. So i don't know what the top level is. But I still want to try and reach it--whatever it is!

That's kinda how I feel with my weight loss right now. I don't know what the top level is or rather then "end" of my journey, but I'm going to keep going until I get there.

Sounds pretty sadomasochistic to me! It's like someone handing you a book to read, but every time you turn the page, you're no closer to the end of the book. But it's such a good book, you just can't put it down.

So I'm going to whine and complain about this "never ending" journey I'm on with the hopes that some day, I'll see the end of the trail. 

And my hope is that you'll be traveling right along side with me keeping me company. And likewise, I'll be keeping you company. Together, I know we'll reach the top level and declare victory! I know it!

So last week I had a horrible detour back a couple of levels. I told you I gained like 5 or 6 pounds in the matter of just a few days. ... Miracle upon miracle, I was able to get them off before the end of the week. By last Saturday, I'd only gained 4/10ths of a pound.

You know how I did it? I drastically reduced my calorie intake for a couple of days. NOT RECOMMENDED!!! Please do not try this at home! But it worked, in a pinch.

You know those cereal box diets where they say give us 6 weeks and you'll lose 10 pounds? Well, that's an awful short period of time to lose 10 pounds. But it's basically just reducing your calorie intake over a short period of time. Something that's okay, but not recommended for a long period of time.

But it worked for me.

Then this past week, I was up almost 4 pounds by the end of last weekend and I was able to get all but 8/10ths of it back off (I gained 8/10ths at this morning's weigh in). 

All I did to lose that weight was just to eat my regular 21 points a day and ate balanced foods, lots of water, high protein and fiber, etc.

Now my challenge for this weekend is to only gain 2 pounds. I'm tired of gaining 4-6 pounds on the weekends and then striving all week to get it back off. NOT FUN! But 2 pounds I can handle.

So today, I'm splurging on my yummy yummy foods, but not TOO much. Probably use up most of my flex points. Tomorrow I may indulge a bit, but it'll be very small portions so I can stay on points for the day. Then hopefully by next Saturday I will have actually pulled a loss.

I mean I'm only about 7 pounds away from goal. And each week I lose anywhere from 3 to 6 pounds just from eating on plan. Imagine how well I'll do if I just stick to the plan all weekend. I don't think I'm ready to give up my Saturday splurges quite yet, but I think I'm ready to be a little more sensible about them. And then give up my Sunday splurges altogether. And by "splurge" I mean, eating what I want and how much of it I want.

Thank you for all your encouragement lately. I means so much to me. More than you could possibly know. Together we'll make it to the top level and win the big prize. (I hope mine's more than just a brightly colored jewel :)

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Pass this along to everyone you know. The coupon code doesn't stay good for very long. Sometimes these coupon codes will change, too, and you'll get it for $3.99 or $4.99. So act fast!!


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6 Pounds from Goal...

Here I sit... 6 pounds from goal.

6 pounds...

6 pounds might as well be 50. I can't believe the week I've had.

I've actually gained 5 pounds since last Saturday's weigh in. So technically, I'm 11 pounds from goal. What the heck!?

For no reason, I decided to have pizza Tuesday night. That wouldn't have been so bad, but I had 2 cheesy bread sticks and about 8 or 10 of those Hershey's Chocolate Dunkers from Pizza Hut. The picture says it all.


Then for another "no reason at all" we decided to splurge last night and went out for steak. We haven't been out to eat in SO long (other than the obligatory Saturday lunch with the in-laws) in forEVER.


Steak wouldn't have been all that bad if I didn't get the buttery mashed potatoes to go with it and the salad with chipotle ranch dressing and the cheese fries as an appetizer (of course, loaded with bacon and cheese and TONs of ranch dressing).


Why?


No reason in particular. I guess I was just feeling particularly self-destructive.


I've eaten sensible since then. But I think I've done too much damage to be repaired in time for Saturday morning's weigh in.


I don't get it. I know what to do and I just don't do it. And I take no pleasure in it whatsoever.


Does this ever happen to you? What do you guys do when you do this? Please help me get past this. I just want to be at goal. I've been 10 pounds away from goal since a year ago this month. Now that I'm getting so close, why is this happening. I just want to be done!

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One small step for Cara...

I discovered a really cool thing this weekend...

I can now tuck my shirt into my pants and you can't see my tummy bulging over the tops of my pants!!!

=D

I have to admit, though, it's a little disconcerting. I'm so used to pulling my shirts over my pants to hide the bulge that I feel like something's wrong when I don't. I find myself, like I have some sort of OCD problem, grabbing for the tail of my shirt to pull it down every time I stand up. But its not there. It's tucked in my pants. Its like, something is wrong, where's my shirt, it should be there. But so I have nothing to grab on to, so I just run my hands on the tops of my hips so uncomfortably like 'yea, I meant to do that'. I just feel lopsided or something. So weird.

We met the in-laws for breakfast this morning and we went do Denny's. I was SURE they had nothing healthy for me to eat there and I was so dreading it. Turns out they have added healthy breakfast items to their menu.


I got 2 egg whites with onion and mushrooms, 2 whole wheat pancakes with no butter but sugar free syrup, a chicken sausage patty (yes, chicken!... I've never heard of a chicken sausage before, but it actually tasted like a turkey sausage, so it was good), and a cup of fruit (cantaloupe, strawberries and bananas). I haven't figured the points yet, but I know it was a BUNCH better than what I was expecting.


Before, whenever we'd go to Denny's for breakfast, the waitress would argue with me that they couldn't make an egg-white omelet because they would be too small made only with whites. So I quit arguing with her and just would usually get oatmeal with fruit or a bowl of cereal. Yea, not very exciting for eating breakfast in a restaurant!


So what did you guys do for Memorial Day weekend? Did you make it through without eating everything in sight?


I did splurge a little (well, maybe a lot) yesterday. I had a big fat cheese burger (it had sauteed onions and mushrooms with goat cheese, Mmmm!) and onion rings. But I did good the rest of the day, on plan!


I'm going to try and eat on plan today. Gonna be hard with the cook-outs and all, but I'm gonna try. Drink plenty of water... plenty of water!!


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Nobody puts Baby in the corner...

One of my all-time favorite movie quotes! Thank you, Mad Woman, I LOVED that!

Well, Baby's not in the corner any more. I'm not up on stage dancing, quite yet, but I'm at least heading for the dance floor.

Today's weigh in found me 8/10ths of a pound lighter. And for that, I say YIPPEE!!!

Oh my gosh, I was so NOT expecting that! If you guys only knew what I hate last weekend. And by last weekend, I mean Saturday, Sunday, AND Monday. I wont' go into the details, but I will tell you that by Tuesday morning I was over 5 pounds heavier than I was Saturday morning.

I didn't blog about this, but 2 weekends ago, my official weigh in had me gaining 1.8 lbs in one week. I totally rejected it because I had been eating on plan and doing everything I'm supposed to do. I was even the exact same weight at home that Saturday morning as I was the previous Saturday morning. But for whatever reason, by the time I got to Weight Watchers (a whopping 15 minutes after I'd weighed myself at home), I'd somehow managed to gain 1.8 pounds.

I totally rejected it. There's no possible way I could have gained that much after the stellar week I'd had before that weigh in.

Then the next week came (week before last). I thought for sure those 1.8 lbs wouldn't still be there when I weighed in. And though most of them were gone, I still only lost 6/10ths of a pound. What tha heck!!??

That's when I couldn't bring myself to face the world... I recessed into my corner. I just don't think its fair that I should work and work at something and then the result not match the efforts.

But you know... that is life!

Sometimes the early bird doesn't get the worm. Sometimes you don't get out of it what you put into it. Sometimes life doesn't give you lemonade when all you're dealt is lemons.

What a revelation, huh?

Now if I can just keep remembering that!

So we arrive at this week's weigh in when I'm down another 8/10ths. Still, I have a little more to lose to get those 1.8 pounds off, but I am very satisfied with my loss this week. I worked hard for it and it happened.

This week at Weight Watchers we talked about how we need to amp up our activity. Funny, huh? When just a couple of days ago I said the same exact thing. Perfect timing! Absolute perfect timing.

So this week I need to commit to regular exercise, not just the usual walking. I haven't quite formed a plan yet, but I intend to before the weekend is up. I'll let you know what I come up with.

I want to thank each and every one of you for the gorgeous comments you've been leaving me. We really all are in this together. And you guys help me out SO much on my journey. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

<3

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I've been hiding in a corner...

Blue, when you're right you're right. Was I on vacation? Nope, I was cowering in the corner beating myself up.

Can you believe that? Just a few weeks ago, I was on top of my game. On top of my world. Three years of total dedication to my weight loss and three weeks later I feel like a total failure.

I've been eating and eating and eating. I just can't stop. I'm not even hungry most times, I just feel the urge to eat. And then I wonder...

Why can't I get these last few pounds off?

Well, I'll tell you why. I have been doing some deep soul searching lately and I've come to some conclusions.

#1. I love food.

I have a passionate love affair with food. Any kind of food. My favorite, of course, are the baked kind. The sweet, sweet baked kind. But I can't limit my love affair to the sweets. No, I'm an equal opportunity food lover. I LOVE a great cheese burger. And I'm all over the cheese fries. Yup, I'm desperately in LOVE with food.

I kept thinking that one day I'd grow strong enough to over come this love and keep the food demons at bay. But I'm coming to the realization that THAT just isn't going to happen. So what I've got to do is coexist with my obsession with all things edible. I need to embrace it and recognize it for what it is and learn to live with it.

#2. If I really wanted to lose these last few pounds, I'd get off my lazy butt and do something about it. Uh hem. Which translates into... exercise!

Walking is great exercise. Tremendous exercise. It's helped me lose the 100+ pounds that I've lost so far. And walking is awesome for maintaining a healthy lifestyle. But I have to be honest with myself and say that walking--alone--isn't going to help me shed these extra few pounds. I need real exercise.

So somewhere I need to come up with the motivation to kick it in gear and commit to regular, hard exercise. I mean, I don't have to go crazy about the whole thing. Just regular calisthenics you know, would do the trick. Jumping jacks. Sit ups. Speed walking. Push ups. Lunges. Etc., etc.

I have all the resources I need. I've got ExerciseTV on demand. I've got DVDs out the wazoo. I've got several books (one of which is the Biggest Loser exercise plan). I'm equipped. I just need to do it.

So hear I go, crawling out of my corner of shame. Climbing up to my feet and taking that first step...

P.S. Thanks, BlueRaspberry for the email encouragement. You're always there when I need you. Love you!!

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3 Years ago today...

Three years ago today, I started my weight loss journey.

This was me 3 years ago:

And this is me today (literally, I just snapped this shot).


I'm 104 pounds lighter today than when I was on May 12, 2007.

When I walked into Weight Watchers 3 years ago, I weight 265 pounds. And if you'd have told me then that it would take me 3 years to lose those 104 lbs, I probably would have turned around and walked right out of there.

But I'm so glad I didn't.

I've never missed a Weight Watcher's meeting since that day. Not one week. I weighed in during the weeks, sometimes, whenever I had something going on on Saturdays that would prevent me from attending my regular Saturday morning meeting. And I've even found Weight Watchers meetings while I was on vacation in different states.

I knew if I missed one week, that would be it. If I gave myself permission to miss one week's weigh in, then there would be nothing stopping me from attending hit or miss, willy nilly. No, I know me and I know that if I do that, I'll never reach my goal.

So three years later and 104 lbs gone, I'm still going strong.

I'm only 6.2 lbs away from my Weight Watchers goal. Realistically, it'll be another 3-6 months before those pounds come off. But I'm not discouraged or detoured. I'm steady on, eye on the prize. I'm going to do it! I will. No matter if it takes me another 3 years. I will make goal!

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Weight loss HAS to be deliberate...

Weigh in this morning... Lost 1.2 lbs!!

So all total, I've lost 104.0 lbs!!!

(Technically, though, I've lost 114 lbs because I lost 10 lbs on NutriSystems the year before I started Weight Watchers.)

And another big milestone is coming up this week. As of May 12th, I will have been enrolled in Weight Watchers for 3 full years without missing one single meeting in all three years! Perfect attendance. That was always my forte in school. I may not have gotten straight A's but I always got perfect attendance awards. :)

This past week I've been thinking alot about how deliberate weight loss has to be. Its not something that I can do just haphazardly or willy-nilly. Its not something I can "kinda" "sort" do. It's something that I have to give my full attention and full effort.

Its something that requires focus and determination. It can be exhausting, you know? Of course you know!

My personality type is one where I have a tenancy to obsess over things. In the mid-90s we bought a Nintendo console and Sonic the Hedge Hog. I got so addicted to that game, I would never shut it off. That was back with there were no memory cards so if you shut the game off, you lost where you were. There were like 29 levels and I couldn't stop playing the game. Every waking moment. Was bad. But that's how I am. Once I find something that captures my attention, I'm hooked and almost blinded by it. Blinded to everything around it so all I see is just it.

That's how this weight loss thing gets at times. I've heard my husband and daughter say so many times "that's all you ever talk about". Now, mind you, they are SO incredibly loving and supportive of my weight loss efforts and are behind me 1000%. But I know it's gotta get old after a while. I know they get tired of me talking about how many points I have left for the day or how many points a particular food item has, etc. I mean, I've been at this non-stop for the past 3 years. That's 1,095 days... 156.5 weeks... 156 weigh ins... I'm sure they get tired of me talking about it ALL the time.

But my point is, that we have to talk about it all the time. If we don't, we're likely to push it to 2nd priority and then there goes our hard earned efforts. Everyone around us has to know that weight loss is a priority in our lives. We have to know that too. We have to keep it at the top of our to do list constantly. We have to put ourselves at the top of that list, too. Because without putting ourselves at the top, nothing we do--weight loss wise--will make a difference.

Its hard, though. You know? Its so hard to put ourselves first rather than our family or children. We've been so trained to "put everyone else first". I mean, heck, even Jesus put himself first. He knew that he needed rest to be fresh and alive for the mission ahead of him so he took a nap on the boat with the fishermen. Even when the storms raged, he slept. He knew he needed to put himself first and that the fishermen/disciples could take care of themselves.

From the outside, it could look like Jesus was being selfish and cold hearted to totally ignore those closest tho him, those who were like family to him, and some of them were family. But he knew that if he didn't put himself first and get the rest that his body needed, he would be worth nothing the next day and no good to anyone.

That's a good lesson for us. We have to put ourselves first and our weight loss efforts at the top of our to do list every day. Its not selfish. If we don't lose weight where will we be. We're not going to get healthier... We're not going to live longer... we're not going to be happier as long as we're over weight.

So lets keep our eye on the prize and keep focused on our weight loss efforts this week. Don't be afraid to tell someone no (even if it's your own child), if it means that you're going to have to compromise your weight loss efforts or sacrifice your own well being and health. It's not worth it. It's not worth it to them either. They might not realize it. They might see you as being selfish or obsessed but you're doing it for them, too. So that you'll be around longer to take care of them and to be in their life.

You first.

Weight loss efforts at the top of your to do list.

Without fail.

What do you think?

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Losing weight needs to be a habit...

Yesterday's weigh in went fairly well. I didn't gain. That was good. But I didn't lose either. But that's okay being as I lost 1.8 lbs last week.

I checked my chart in Weight Watcher's online and I think I'm finally on the right track. Since the beginning of February, I've lost a total of 8.6 lbs with an average of .7 lbs each week. NOT BAD!!

If I can keep this momentum, I'll be at Weight Watcher's goal (which is 155) by the end of June. Wouldn't that be wonderful??!!

I could be at goal this summer.

That sentence just looks so wonderful to me. I sure hope I can do it. But I'm not going to keep my eyes focused on how much I can lose each week. I've done that before and it has blown up on me every time. I have to keep my eyes on the overall picture. As long as the overall line keeps heading downward (even if it spikes up once in a while) then I'm still winning the battle.

I tracked my food intake all last week. That's 2 weeks in a row. I sure hope I can keep doing it. Our meeting yesterday was about making something a habit. This is the one thing I want to become a habit.

Weight Watcher's came out with a cute little vinyl cover for the 3-month journal. It's perfect! The journal cover slips into the plastic strips on the inside. And it closes with a magnetic snap. I bought one. They were only $6. I got the one that's got big tri-colored blue polka dots. It's so cute. Now I don't have to worry about my journal getting munched up in my purse. 

I've seen these before and I wanted to buy this one. Isn't it just the cutest! But it was $14, which is way too much for me right now. I love the ribbon book mark. I might try to rig something like that for the one I bought.

Oh, and I did the drawing for the Yoplait Inner Goddess giveaway and comment #10, Nicole, won! She didn't leave a link to her blog, otherwise I'd leave a note for her on her blog and give you guys a link to her blog. But I'll contact her via email to let her know she's the winner. But here's a link to her comment.

I have a few smaller giveaways I'm going to be doing soon. If I can get my act together, I'll do them this coming week.

So tell me, what weight loss habit helps you them most? What do you do on a regular basis (or would like to do) that keeps you on track and losing??

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Giveaway: Nourish Your Inner Goddess...

Okay, gals, it's time for another giveaway. This one came to me from Yoplait (via BlogSpark).

You all know I'm a HUGE fan of Greek yogurt. The extra (and I mean EXTRA) protein in Greek yogurt makes it a very satisfying snack for me in the afternoons and evenings. Yoplait Greek Yogurt has 12 grams of protein in each container. Greek yogurt tastes thicker and richer than regular yogurt too. Which I like a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watcher's yogurt, but there's something about Greek yogurt being thicker that makes it feel like a more substantial snack for me.

Anyway, below are the details for the giveaway, but before I go much further, here's something cool...

To celebrate Yoplait's new Greek yogurt and to encourage women to nourish their inner goddess, Yoplait has teamed up with actress Izabella Miko, who plays Greek Goddess Athena in the epic adventure new Warner Bros. Pictures´ and Legendary Pictures´ film "Clash of the Titans," which opened in theaters on April 2 in 3D.

Here's a cool gadget you can click on to get free yogurt and watch scenes from the movie. Be quick, though, because only the 1st 50 people to click will get the free yogurt.