Sunday, August 15, 2010

We're all in this together... Thank goodnes...

So, okay, I realize it's been since July 29th since I've last blogged (well, before yesterday, which wasn't really a blog post). I really hate myself for not blogging because so much happens from day to day and I really do need to blog it. It helps me be able to process things better and understand what's happening to me and I know it helps others who are going through the same things.

So this is me kicking myself in the pants to get myself to blog more often. (ouch!)

As of today, I am 4.6 lbs away from my Weight Watchers goal. Last week I was 3.8 lbs away. So, yes, I gained 8/10ths of a pound this past week. I have no idea why and frankly I just don't care to analyze it to figure out why. All I know is I ate what I was supposed to and I exercises like I was supposed to. So there. Nuf sed!

I know last week at Weight Watchers I wasn't that happy. They were talking about hiding when you eat what you're not supposed to and then hiding the evidence of it after you're done with it. I don't know about you guys, but I've been doing that my whole life. I can't count how many times I'd get an extra hamburger from the drive through and eat it before I got home where I'd eat my "regular" meal with my family. Or I'd eat an entire bag of chips and dip at lunch time, then shove the evidence of them to the bottom of the trash bag so no one would be the wiser. And I can't tell you how many times I've done this type of thing since I started Weight Watchers 3 1/2 years ago.

In fact, here's a blog about my last big fall. Though this was not the last time I've done something like this. I don't know if I'll ever be free of that monkey. But I can at least acknowledge that it happens. At least there's that.

But the thing that upset me so much about the meeting last week was that I felt like I was the only one who did this. There were others in the class who seemed so genuinely confused about the whole process and couldn't imagine actually hiding what they were eating or any evidence of it after they'd eaten it. Now, my husband said that maybe no one wanted to admit it out loud because of the humiliation of it all. And maybe that is what it was, but I just felt like I was as odd as a purple winged banana flying over a big pile of tie-died chocolate leaves. I felt so ashamed that I could possibly be the only one who did this.

Then this past week (yesterday) at Weight Watchers was much better. There was a lady there who seemed to be going through the same thing I went through a little more than a year ago with my self-sabotaging. It really started about a year and a half ago when I realize I was subconsciously telling myself that I wasn't good enough to be thin. Kind of a weird concept, now, but at the time it was so devastating that I could actually purposefully do something to sabotage my health and happiness. But I did it (and still do it sometimes). Whenever things would be going good and I'd be losing weight and feeling good, I'd derail my success by eating a TON of food and gaining alot of my hard earned losses back. Just crazy. But I kept doing it over and over until I, first, realized it and, secondly, did something about it. Brought it out into the open and told it that it couldn't not control my life any more.

Anyway, it was so nice being able to help someone else with these same feelings. She had already lost 150 lbs and I think she still had another hundred to go and she had never been thin a day in her life, even as a child. So now that she was looking and feeling so much better than she ever had, she wasn't allowing herself to feel good about that. She was still wanting to hide behind the fat that wasn't there any more. She wasn't feeling worthy of her loss.

Weird how we do that. We work so hard and get such great results, but then we won't allow ourselves to accept the outcome. We still feel like we didn't do anything. Or that we still have so far to go that we don't acknowledge how far we've come.

It was neat because I noticed that our leader just sat back and let us talk it through. There were others who had other problems that we all talked through, too. Was so nice to be able to help each other like that.

You know, that's what Weight Watchers is really all about for me. It's the sense of togetherness and knowing that we're all going through the same thing or have been through the same thing. We're not alone and we want to help each other get through it all. And that's why I love this blog, too. I love sharing what I've been through and am going through because you guys help me work through it and by you helping me, you're helping yourself as well. We have an unseen connection that ties us all together and helps us pull each other along.

Weight loss is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And I'm so glad I'm not alone.



julie said...

I just started a blog yesterday to try and help myself stay motivated to lose weight. I'm happy I came across your blog because I really need people who are on this weight loss track, who are serious about it. The thinnest I have ever been was 3 years ago when I got down to 120 with a friend of mine. We worked together, and helped each other stay motivated... she has been a bigger girl most of her life and she got down to the smallest that she had ever been (around 160) Unfortunately our jobs changed and we were unable to keep up the teamwork that had allowed us such great success. I'm hoping to find something similar on the internet through blogging! I welcome any suggestions you may have!

--cara said...

Welcome Julie, glad you found me. I truly believe that without this blog I would have quite losing years ago and probably gained most of it back. We can only do this together.

On a slightly different note, I did it again this morning... My boss brought in homemade mini pumpkin muffins. I'm not a fan of pumpkin muffins but hers are KILLER!

...So I grabbed one on the way to the coffee room this morning. When I got there, I saw that she'd placed another HUGE plate of them in the coffee room as well as our office. I quickly popped the 1st muffin in my mouth and woofed it down while I was pouring my coffee. Then I popped another one in my mouth and scoffed it down just as quickly before anyone came in the room. So then you know what I did? I grabbed another one on the way out of the room. I mean, after all, I walked into the room with one in my hand, so it only make sense that I should walk out of the room with one in my hand.

The worst part was the way I shoveled them in my mouth like I was never going to ever eat them ever again in my life all the while with the fear that someone would walk in and see me eating one.

Ugh! When will this end?!

Lisa said...

I think anyone who is or was morbidly obese has done that and some weren't brave enough to talk about it like you. good for you.

MaryFran said...

You are absolutely NOT alone. Those who don't admit to eating in secret (and shoving the wrappers of the sandwich under the car seat to 'deal with later') is not willing to be honest with themselves. (no, not everyone does...but I do fervantly believe a lot more do stuff like that then those who don't have a clue!)

I'm with you.....we are in this together.....and going through it together with other people make it easier!

Kimberlynn said...

Hi Julie said above, I've also started a blog... to help me in this journey. This is my seventh time joining Weight Watchers and I wanted something...anything to help me stay accountable and to work my way through. I've been in that place where I've eaten and then hidden the evidence. My feeling about your meeting is that people don't want to be honest about where they really are and what they've really done. But until we can be honest, we're not ready for true change.

I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your willingness to be so open and honest about your struggles. We are in this together. I for one will celebrate with you when you hit goal!!!


michelle said...

Somebody else will be touched by your honesty. So never change you are doing a great job!

Adrienne said...

I am so glad I found your blog! I just saw it for the first time and am so motivated to keep going. I am doing WW also, (down 41 pounds) have 63 to go, and I can't tell you how many times I ate in secret. I am so glad I am not the only one. I remember I mentioned it to my mom once as being "Normal" and she said, "that's not normal honey". and I was like, "What??" that's when I realized I had a problem with secret binging! On top of the shame I didn't want my husband to know, it cost us a lot of money. ;( Anyways, I'll be following your blog! I have one as well. :)