Obsession or "Planning"...

Well, I did it. I weighed in this morning. I sure didn't want to, but I had no choice.

The good news (well, kinda) is that I only gained (officially) 2.2 pounds.

Whew!

I was TRULY expecting a 5 pound gain. When I weighed myself at home this morning before I went to Weight Watchers I was still up 4.8 pounds from what I weighed at home Saturday before last.

It's so confusing because at home I'm up 5 pounds. At Weight Watchers I'm up only 2.2 and at the gym I'm up only 1 pound ... all from 2 Saturday's ago. I weight myself at the gym every Saturday morning just after breakfast (after Weight Watchers). So I'm weighing at the exact same time on the exact same scales in all three places each Saturday morning. Ugh!   ...I digress.

Okay, back to the good part. I can handle only a 2.2 pound gain. I'm still above the 100 pound mark. My total loss is still 103.8 pounds (that's my Weight Watcher's loss--I always like to state that because I lost 10 lbs on NutraSystems the year before I started Weight Watchers and I like to add those 10 lbs in there whenever I can--so it's a total of 113.8).

I tell you, if I had dipped below the 100 pound mark I can't image what would have happened. I don't ever--ever--want to go below that mark again. And I tell you I was completely petrified that I'd done that. So I'm SO ecstatic that I didn't. So, yay!

My husband (who is the most wonderful man on this planet) and I had a discussion this morning that really got me to thinking. We were talking about how just about all I ever talk about is food or weight loss. Sure, we have other conversations, but inevitably, food will somehow get worked into every conversation. And you know, that's true. If I'm not talking about what I ate, I'm talking about what I'm going to eat or what I want to eat or what I want to bake or cook. And I have to be honest, probably at least 50% (if not more) of the shows I like to watch on TV are related to food, somehow.

It is like an obsession with me.

But the weird part is, I'm not sure how to turn it off or slow it down. I mean, #1, I do love food. Everything about it. And, #2, I have to always be thinking about and planning what I'm going to eat or how this or that will effect my weight loss efforts or (lately) how it'll effect my exercise efforts. I see no way around those types of thoughts.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I can take control of the "afterthoughts". I think those are the one's I should learn to let go. The things like "Oh, I had the most wonderful "whatever-it-is" for lunch today (and then I proceed to go into great detail about every taste and bite and texture)" or "I'm so mad that I ate those chips last night" or "I'll bet you if I wouldn't have eaten that piece of cake I would have lost weight this week" or even something as harmless ad "Ooo, did you see that? That casserole looks amazing! I wonder how many point it is?".

I'm seeing that there's a difference between planning about what I'm going to eat and obsessing over what I've already eaten and have no control over or contemplating something that I know I can't eat (or don't want to because it would either be too many points or would send me off the deep end wanting more and more).

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. It does seem like such a fine line, but I think it's one that needs distinction. All I know is that I can't keep this up. I do obsess over every kind of food and everything associated with food. And I know it's not healthy.

Did you know that I have not one but TWO food calendars in my cubical at work? Yup, I have a scrumptious calendar that has huge, very fattening, very luscious looking photos for each month and to offset that I got a "Healthified" calendar that hangs right next to it so I could justify looking at the "bad for me" foods. That's just messed up!

Yes, I'm obsessed.

People always come in my cube and say "I don't see how you can look at that all day long. It would make me want to eat it.". And I always shrug it off and say that it doesn't bother me at all. Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is feeding my obsession. I wonder what other things in my life are feeding my obsession? I think I'm going to have to reassess things.

Do you guys twitter? I do. I love it. If you want to find me, I'm @CaraShow. I found this tweet today and thought it suited me so perfectly:

"What keeps me motivated is not food itself, but all the bonds & memories the food represents." ~Julia Child"

I think that about sums it up for me.

What do you guys do? Do you obsess over food? How do you turn it off? How do you cope? How do I stop obsessing?

I'm a "foodie"...

I've been thinking alot about food lately. I mean, a LOT.

I sit at work all day dreaming about food. I keep wondering what this or that would taste like. I'll even smell different types of food throughout the day that simply isn't there.

Like, I'll smell steak. Or Cheetos. Or cake. Or string cheese. ... Weird, huh?

And then I get home and think about food even more.

And being on this "diet" doesn't help matter much, because I always have to be thinking about (planning) what I'm going to eat next. And then once I've figured it out, I can't wait until I can eat it.

Remember when you were in school and class was over at 3:45 and it was 3:00 and it seemed like the clock had stopped? Every 2 seconds you'd be looking at the clock wondering why it wasn't moving any faster.

That's how I am all day long. I keep looking at the clock saying "is it time to eat yet?"

Food is all I can think of.

I even dream in food.

The other night I had a perfectly random dream that had absolutely nothing at all to do with food, but I'll be darned if the ground wasn't made of gum drops!

I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and I'll be normal if I can just stop obsessing over food.

But I can't get it out of my head.

Like just a few minutes ago I was thinking about what I ate last Saturday and planning what I was going to eat this coming Saturday. Random, huh?

One of the tools in Weight Watchers is to be prepared whenever you're heading into a social situation where you'll be eating at a restaurant. They say to either go online or stop by the restaurant before hand so you can see the menu and plan what you're going to eat so you won't be side swiped by all of the yumminess on them menu.

Well, I've been doing that my whole life! Nothing new there. We'd make a plan to go out to a particular restaurant and my mind would race over the imaginary menu in my head. What would I eat? Man! I'd have it all planned out WAY before I got to the restaurant.

So that was a "tool" I didn't have to worry about learning.

But now, I still do the same thing, but now I try to think of all the healthy things on the menu. That's a good thing, right? But I'm still doing the basic same thing, obsessing over food.

I swear, if you guys could see all of the food thoughts that go through my head all day long, every minute of the day, you'd be shocked. Not a minute goes by in my day that I'm not thinking about some sort of food.

So what do I do with that? How can I NOT obsess over food? How can I break my life-long habit of thinking about food my every waking moment?

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Weekend eating is gonna be my downfall...

So how did you guys do last week? Were you able to only eat when you were hungry? Or did the munchies win (again)?

I guess I'm doing pretty good when it comes to the boredom eating, but the weekends are still killing me.

Weekend before last, the 4th of July (LONG) weekend, really did me in. I ate and ate and ate. I couldn't stop myself. Well, actually, I didn't want to. I was completely in control and knew exactly what I was doing and loved every minute of it. Well, that is until I was done eating. Then I hated myself.

The worst was on Monday when we went to the Texas Roadhouse and I had cheese fries. On my way there, I was planning what I would eat. Cheese fries was not an option. I knew I'd already eaten WAY too much on Saturday and Sunday and I needed to get back in control. I even talked it over with hubby and we were both on the same page--no cheese fries!

Then... when it came time to order, I just blurted it out. Hubby said "what?" and then that loving "Cara...". I looked him straight in the eyes and said "it's okay, I know what I'm doing".

The worst part was how greasy they were. But did that stop me from eating them? No! When we were driving home afterwards I was so dern mad at myself! I felt so awful. My stomach, no, my heart, yes. I felt like I'd just betrayed myself.

I'm really hoping one of these days I'm going to be able to win the battle against the food. I love it so dearly and it makes me feel so special. 

Grated, I'm not NEARLY as bad about eating as I used to be. Man, to think of all the crap I would eat and the amount of it--regularly. I've come SUCH a long way since those days. But I still haven't won the battle entirely. What is it they say "you may have won the battle but you haven't won the war yet.". That's me.

I actually gained 5 whole pounds over the course of 3 small days.

I fought and fought and got all but 4/10ths of it off. Whew!

This past weekend I did a LOT better. I'm still up a couple of pounds but I'm sure they'll be off in the next day or two.

But on the flip side, I really did with not eating unless I was hungry. It's so darn hard in the evenings, isn't it?? Man!! It's like the munchies monster is there hiding behind the couch waiting for me to sit down. He lurks around the house, just waiting for me to slow down for a minute, then he pounces! AAAhhhh!!!

So how did you guys do?

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I've been hiding in a corner...

Blue, when you're right you're right. Was I on vacation? Nope, I was cowering in the corner beating myself up.

Can you believe that? Just a few weeks ago, I was on top of my game. On top of my world. Three years of total dedication to my weight loss and three weeks later I feel like a total failure.

I've been eating and eating and eating. I just can't stop. I'm not even hungry most times, I just feel the urge to eat. And then I wonder...

Why can't I get these last few pounds off?

Well, I'll tell you why. I have been doing some deep soul searching lately and I've come to some conclusions.

#1. I love food.

I have a passionate love affair with food. Any kind of food. My favorite, of course, are the baked kind. The sweet, sweet baked kind. But I can't limit my love affair to the sweets. No, I'm an equal opportunity food lover. I LOVE a great cheese burger. And I'm all over the cheese fries. Yup, I'm desperately in LOVE with food.

I kept thinking that one day I'd grow strong enough to over come this love and keep the food demons at bay. But I'm coming to the realization that THAT just isn't going to happen. So what I've got to do is coexist with my obsession with all things edible. I need to embrace it and recognize it for what it is and learn to live with it.

#2. If I really wanted to lose these last few pounds, I'd get off my lazy butt and do something about it. Uh hem. Which translates into... exercise!

Walking is great exercise. Tremendous exercise. It's helped me lose the 100+ pounds that I've lost so far. And walking is awesome for maintaining a healthy lifestyle. But I have to be honest with myself and say that walking--alone--isn't going to help me shed these extra few pounds. I need real exercise.

So somewhere I need to come up with the motivation to kick it in gear and commit to regular, hard exercise. I mean, I don't have to go crazy about the whole thing. Just regular calisthenics you know, would do the trick. Jumping jacks. Sit ups. Speed walking. Push ups. Lunges. Etc., etc.

I have all the resources I need. I've got ExerciseTV on demand. I've got DVDs out the wazoo. I've got several books (one of which is the Biggest Loser exercise plan). I'm equipped. I just need to do it.

So hear I go, crawling out of my corner of shame. Climbing up to my feet and taking that first step...

P.S. Thanks, BlueRaspberry for the email encouragement. You're always there when I need you. Love you!!

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I've always been afraid that I would run out of food...

I'm heading down the same pathway I've traveled before. I recognize the trees and the houses along the side of the road. This route is so familiar to me, I could travel it blindfold.

But thank goodness the blindfolds are off.

All week, I've been having craving after craving. I've been thinking about a big, thick, juicy cheeseburger ... and my favorite snack, chips and dip ... and chocolate cake (which is weird, because I'm usually more of a vanilla cake type of person) ... and real macaroni & cheese ..., and onion rings ... and a baked potato with TONS of real sour cream and real butter ... and cupcake pops (if you've never heard of these before, check them out on my Facebook page, they're oh so yummy!) ... and donuts (yes, donuts again) ... and McDonald's sausage biscuit w/cheese & hash browns ... and real pancakes (not the healthy kind) with gobs of butter and syrup and powdered sugar ... and, well, I could go on and on but I think I'll stop for now.

Suffice it to say, I've had A LOT of cravings lately.

Why am I having these cravings?

Because I'm trying to sabotage myself again. I'm getting ever so close to a goal again and for some reason I have this "sabotage mechanism" that kicks in telling me that I can't do it. Telling me, "you're sacrificing too much, you need a reward."

The thing of it is, though, that I'm seeing clearly now for the first time and I am not really sacrificing. I'm not. Like tonight, I had a small plate of homemade spaghetti. And, because I knew it would haunt me if I didn't eat it, I had about 2 tablespoons of left over homemade mac & cheese from last night. I knew if I didn't eat it, it would be calling my name until I ate some of it.

So I'm doing this the right way, I'm allowing myself to have what I want, I'm just keeping it under control. Like, tonight, when I put the spaghetti on my plate, I piled it on. Because that's my sabotage mechanism kicking in. I was saying to myself, "go ahead, you've been good, indulge". Just when I was about to start eating, I looked at the plate and said "what are you doing?! you don't need that much spaghetti!!" And I was right, I would be completely satisfied with half that much. So I scooped half of it back in the pot and was completely satisfied with that much.

Speaking of being satisfied, I've really been focusing in on this lately. I'm so used to eating what I put on my plate, not matter how hungry I was. I'm used to piling it on and eating until it's gone. I've spent my entire life practicing that plan. But lately I've been asking myself why. And I'll be honest with you, I never thought I'd arrive at this place.

I mean, ever since I started Weight Watchers (almost 3 years ago), I've been at war with myself about the fact that I'll never be able to eat what I want and as much as I want for the rest of my life. I've cried about it and blogged about it. And honestly always thought it would be something I'd just have to live with.

But I'm just learning that I can still eat whatever I want, just not a ton of it, and I can still be happy. I remember when I first joined Weight Watcher and Ned said I could eat whatever I wanted on Weight Watchers. I thought to myself, at first, this is cool. But then after a year or so of not really eating what I wanted--or rather the amount of food I wanted--it started really ticking me off. I felt like I'd been bamboozled. Sure, I can eat anything I want, but I just can't have as much as I want. That doesn't sound right to me.

But now I'm learning that I don't really need to eat "as much as I want". I've really been focusing on my portions, lately, and noticing how satisfied I am. You know, they say there are 3 stages of fullness--satisfied, full and stuffed. I've always been somewhere between full and stuffed, with the needle leaning closer to stuffed, to feel happy. But I'm realizing that satisfied is taking on a whole new meaning.

See, I'd always thought that stuffed meant that everything was okay and I didn't have to worry that my food wouldn't be there later for me. If the food was there now, and I ate as much of it as possible, I wouldn't have to worry about it not being there later. I've always had a fear that I would run out of food. In fact, for years, I had to keep my cupboard doors open so I could see the food in there when I walked through the house. That's a hard one to overcome. And I don't claim to have beaten it. But I sure have taken one giant step towards winning the battle by realizing that if I get hungry later, I can eat more food later.

What a concept.

If I get hungry later, I can eat more later.

I don't know why that has never occurred to me before. How can something so simple be so elusive. The funny thing is that I've heard that over the past few years but I didn't believe it. I was still afraid the food would be gone later.

Now I know that satisfied is a great place to be. And I feel so happy that I've finally figured that one out.

As for my overdose of sodium last Sunday that caused 4 lbs of water retention, I've gotten all but about a half a pound of it off. Now my goal is to just NOT gain. Before, I wanted to lose the 6/10ths (or was it 4/10th) by this Saturday. Now I just want to NOT gain. I think that's a noble goal, don't you?

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Can I throw in the towel now??

I have been having the hardest time, lately. My old demons of food addiction have been creeping up on me alot lately. Its really made me rethink all of my weigh loss accomplishments. Have I really come as far as it looks?

This week, I gained 3.2 lbs.

So that's the outward assessment of my weigh progress for this past week. But my inward assessment is that I feel like I'm slipping back into the old me. Now, I haven't been bingeing or hiding my food or eating in secret and I haven't been really over eating (too large portions) but I have been craving food and eating what I crave.

A craving is a good and natural thing. Most times. Our bodies will tell us when it needs certain foods. Right? So what do you do when your body tells you it needs a cheese quesadilla? Or fried chicken? Or chocolate cake? Or cheese fries? Or how about hand made potato chips covered in blue cheese, cheddar cheese and bacon? Why does my body possibly need these things??

It doesn't.

These are cravings in my mind and in my emotions, but most definitely not in my body.

But they feel the same. It really feels like my body wants these things. I feel it all over. My head tells me. My stomach tells me. My heart tells me.

I heard Dr. Oz say this week that we get cravings for only 10 minutes at a time and all we have to do is (drink water first) ride out those 10 minutes doing something else (distraction) for the craving to pass and then we'll be okay. What?! My cravings last for days! Sometimes weeks. What's up with that?

And while I'm "satisfying" these cravings (by eating all these bad things), I feel vindicated, comforted, and completely satisfied. Even afterwards I usually don't feel bad about eating them. I usually feel like I've just set through a productive therapy session or a deep conversation with a friend who has helped me work out my issues. I rarely feel guilty for giving into these cravings.

Now, sometimes my stomach makes me feel "guilty" by tossing and turning after I've eaten these bad things (like it feels right now because I just finished a half a brick of cream cheese and half a bag of Ruffles).

Its weird, because sometimes I do great when these cravings hit and sometimes (like now) I don't handle them well at all. The problem is, the times that I don't handle them well usually set me back anywhere from 2 to 10 lbs and then I'm right back where I was a year ago.

I'm so mad I could scream!!

I am now at the exact ... same ... weight as I was on September 20, 2008!!!

I know... take this one day at a time, Cara. I can't keep looking back. I know. I have to get a grip. I just want to throw in the towel and surrender to this whole weigh loss thing.

If it wasn't for how disgusted I am with the fat rolls lazing around my waist and drooping on the under side of my arms between my elbows and armpits, I swear, I'd give up and raise the white flag! But it makes me so much more mad that I have to carry around these extra fat rolls.

And what also makes me mad is the extra skin hanging around. I really think I'd be 10 lbs lighter if I didn't have all this extra skin hanging on me. I can't (won't) get surgery to get rid of it so I'm just stuck with it, I guess. I would have thought that after almost 3 years the skin would have gone back, but it hasn't so I suppose it never will.

Can you tell I'm just stinking frustrated!?!?

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The day after the big pastry debacle...

You know, I've been reading and rereading your comments from my last post and you guys came up with some good ones. There were even a couple of good ones on my Facebook post, too. It's made me dig deep to try to figure out what caused the pastry incident. Hmm. This is what I've come up with...

I think the main reason I hid in my car was because I knew I was overdoing it. I'd already eaten very badly at the steak house. Then the HUGE (seriously, it was HUGE) cupcake and I knew if I brought more fattening food into the house, I would feel like a complete and total pig. So I guess I figured that if I hid, eating it in the car, that I wouldn't be a pig. Right? If no one saw me eat, then no harm. Right?

Also, you remember seeing the cartoons of the character who'd get a whiff of something yummy and then they'd float in the air sniffing the smell until they floated right to the source of the good food? That's kinda how it was when I walked into the grocery store and immediately headed for the bakery. I felt so powerless, but completely in control at the same time. Just like Beth said, "Even as I'm doing it, I don't understand why. It's such a powerless, yet driven feeling." The HUGE cupcake just didn't do the trick. I was still craving something sweet. Or maybe the cupcake was just whetting my appetite. I haven't been eating a lot of sugar lately, so maybe I got a good heaping taste of it and just wanted more. But whatever the reason for heading to the bakery and buying the pastry was way too overwhelming.

So last night, I had to go to the grocery store again. (Deep breath.) I went to a different store this time. I didn't want to tempt fate. The whole time driving there I kept saying over and over in my head "don't lose it Cara, stay in control". When I got there, I accidentally entered through the deli and bakery area. (I swear it was not on purpose.) And then I walked around the bakery isles looking at all the goodies. I wanted so badly to choose something delectable. Like, HAVE I NOT LEARNED ANYTHING?!? I kept going over the shame and tears from the night before as I looked at those yummies. No, I would not partake. I did not.

It was the hardest thing, I tell you, but I did not buy anything sweet and bad for me.

So today, on the way home from work, I had to stop at the grocery store yet again (I swear, I keep forgetting things that I need—I'm NOT doing this on purpose). So I made a list before I left work. Check it out:























You like how I added it to my list?? That way I wouldn't even be tempted. And guess what, I wasn't. Yay!

I finally found the French Twists I told you about earlier. After I bought my first tub, they quit selling them. One of my trips to the grocery store this past weekend I asked the manager if she could order them. She did. And today they were in the store. I think these should be a good substitute for the full out bad for me pastries. I do love them so. And I can only eat one at a time. So I'm good for now.

As for the future, like Rebecca (screwdestiny) said, "next time, confront the craving and don't hide behind it." When the next craving comes, confront it. If it's something I have to give into, that's fine, as long as it's within moderation. And by all means, don't hide behind it.

Don't forget to enter my Measure Up Bowls Giveaway contest. See the rules here. Contest ends Nov. 15th.

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One huge moment of humiliation...

Something happened last night that I'm completely ashamed of, but I have to confess it. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to be accountable. So I need to be honest. So here goes. Please don't judge me.

First things first, I splurged a little yesterday and paid for it majorly. I had a 6 oz ribeye (12 pts) with a loaded baked potato (11 pts) and onion petals (9 pts) (buy one get one free coupon at Logans). I felt like I was going to vomit for about an hour afterwards because of all the fat I ate. Ugh! I will not do that again! Then for dessert, about 2-3 hours later, while I was grocery shopping, I picked up a jumbo cupcake from the bakery.

But that wasn't the bad part.

Later in the evening, I had to return to the grocery store for something I'd forgot that I needed for breakfast the next morning. I should not have gone.

I had no reason being in the produce section, but I meanered my way over there. And what's right next to the produce section? The bakery. It's like an invisible force was calling me and all I could do was comply. When I got there, I had no idea what I was going to get, but I was craving something extremely sweet. (As if the cupcake wasn't enough, right?!)

When I made it to the bakery counter, the same lady was behind the counter as before when I bought that ridiculously huge cupcake. I panicked. I thought, I know she'll remember me because I had gotten a quote on a cake from her at the same time and we talked for quite a bit. I was too embarrassed to go up there and ask for another huge sweet thing, so I looked through the goodies that are on the tables in the middle of the room packaged in the clear plastic containers.

All of the containers had too much in them. Like a dozen cookies or 6 cupcakes or 2 dozen donut holes, etc. I kept looking until I found one that had 2 cream filled pastries. They were both huge, but it was the smallest I could find.

So what did I do? After paying for the food and walking out to the car, I got in and drove to a dark part of the parking lot (the sun had already set) and sat there in my car and wolfed down that pastry.

They were probably 8" long, maybe 2" wide, kinda flat with cream cheese filling and powder sugar on top.

I sat in the dark. In my car. Eating the pastry that I was so ashamed to be eating. I kept looking around like I was a shoplifter or something. Like at any minute someone was going to tap on my window and arrest me for hiding and eating in my car.

There I sat, in the dark, shoveling the pastry down my throat as fast as I could (hubby was expecting me back soon because I was only going to the store to get one thing). With every bite, I was so ashamed. This is the way I used to be. Before I started on Weight Watchers, 2 1/2 years ago. I couldn't figure out why I was sitting there eating like I used to.

This is something I'd done a million times before; ordering an extra hamburger at the drive thru and eating it before I got home with everyone else's food (then I'd eat a hamburger in front of my family). Buy a huge bag of ruffles and a block of cream cheese and downing them for lunch and hiding the empty bag and box in the bottom of the trash can so no one would know I ate the whole thing. Etc., etc., etc.

But that was all before I'd figured out why food has a hold on me like it does and recognized that I have the power over it and it doesn't have to control me any more. I'm past all that now.

So why was I sitting there in the dark, hiding my horrible eating from the world.

Remember I said there were two pastries in the container? As I was getting close to the end of the first one, I started thinking how full I was getting and how I didn't know if I could eat the 2nd one. But what would I do with it? I couldn't just throw it away. It was a perfectly good pastry. So I started eating the 2nd one, too.

I took one bite and started to cry. WHAT THE HECK WAS I DOING???!!!! I'm better than this. I'm past this! I've come too far to still sit in the dark and eat.

I threw the last piece back into the container, closed it up, then drove to the closest trash can and threw it away. I had to hide the evidence. After all, hubby had seen me down that HUGE cupcake already that night. If he saw me eating something else just as bad and huge, I'd be so embarrassed.

When I got out of my car and walked to the trash can with the other pastry (minus one bite) in the plastic container, I started thinking that everyone must know exactly what I'm doing. Why else would a grown woman get out of her car and trow away a perfectly good pastry? She must be hiding the fact that she'd already eaten the other one. I knew that everyone walking in and out of the store and in the parking lot and on the side walk just knew exactly how humiliated I was feeling.

I drove home in utter silence.

Right as I was walking into the house, my phone rang. It was hubby wondering where I'd been. I didn't have the courage to tell him I'd been hiding in the dark eating a huge cream fill pastry. So I just shrugged it off.

Now I'm afraid he's gonna read this blog post, but I still have to confess it.

Now if I could just figure out why I did it.

:(

On a slightly different subject, I tried greek yogurt for the first time today. Diane mentioned it while she was entering the Measure Up Bowls giveaway and I've been wanting to try it but couldn't find it. I found it at the grocery store and bought a "fruit on the bottom" peach flavored 6 oz tub and boy was it yummy. I think I like it more than regular yogurt. It has the consistency of sour cream but tastes just like regular yogurt. I think I'll start eating greek yogurt rather than regular yogurt from now on because the container I ate had 19 grams of protein!! How awesome is that!? Other than that, it has the exact same nutritional information as regular yogurt.

And on another slightly different note, have you guys ever heard of Shirataki Noodles? I was thinking about trying them in a pasta dish, like maybe spaghetti or fettuccine.

Don't forget to enter my Measure Up Bowls Giveaway contest. See the rules here. Contest ends Nov. 15th.

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Diggin deep and uncovering... me.

Weigh in this morning... I lost 8/10ths of a pound. Not quite the 7 pounds I lost last week, but I'm still just as excited for the 8/10ths as I was for the 7, that's for sure.

Although a small trophy, my 8/10ths trophy was earned from my diligent efforts this week:

• I tracked everything I ate (in my new cutsie food journal notebook)
• I exercised 6 times

But the most important thing I did this week was keep it all in perspective. I had a conversation with my (adult) daughter last night to explain what's been going on in my head so far as my attitude towards food lately and it felt good explaining these things out loud.

I feel like I've finally found the keys to the kingdom. I've gone through so many ups and downs since I started this wretched journey 2 1/2 years ago. I've gone from great successes on to subconscious sabotage because I was not worthy of the successes on to total complacency, and finally into my recent bout with the fear that I'll never be able to eat the way I want to for the rest of my life. And it's all brought me to the realization that my love for food isn't going to run my life any more. That was such a hard one to come to terms with.

I mean, first, it's realizing that my food addiction is just that. Now, mind you, I do not throw that phrase around lightly—food addiction. I think some of us use it as a crutch. I know I have for years. It makes it sound so much better when it sounds like it's not our fault that we eat like a cow. If feels good to hide behind an "illness" or something that is beyond our control. But the thing about an addiction—as with all addictions—is that they can be broken. If an alcoholic can quit drinking after 40 years, if a smoker can quit smoking a pack a day since they were 12, then that only leads me to believe that a food addict should be able to break the addiction, right?

My excuse has always been... but how does one break an addiction to food?? It's like telling an alcoholic that they must stop the addiction, but then they have to take one drink three times a day for the rest of their life. But break the addiction! Yea, right! Right?

With an addiction to something that our body needs to survive, it has to be different. It has to move from a physical reaction to the food to a mental, emotional and spiritual response. At least it has to for me.

So first, I had to start looking deep within my soul for exactly what "food addiction" meant to me. I had to put the crutch aside and dig deep to see what my reaction to food is. What is it about food that made me become addicted?

The taste, first and foremost. The texture. The smell. Those were obvious signs.

But what is it about the food that makes me crave it with every breath I take? Start at the beginning... when I first think about the food. I picture it in my head. I imagine what it smells like. I start wondering how satisfied I'll feel once I have it. (By the way, one of the tools you use to lose weight, is to plan ahead. Make smart choices long before the food is in front of you. Difficult to do for me, because that's when the dreaming started. But I'll go on.)

After that, I see the food. It looks amazing because I know how it's going to taste and how my body is going to respond to it. I smell it. I start anticipating it. I want it immediately. Immediately!

Then comes the best part... that first taste. But that was the key point for my discover and ultimate control over the addiction. The taste was the satisfaction part, sure, but I had to sit in that moment for a while. At every first bite, the food first passed my lips and rested on my tongue and I would pause and close my eyes, if even just for a brief second, to relish the taste and sensation and satisfaction. I'd take a deep breath so I could breath in the food at the same time as I was tasting it. I'd feel a complete warmth come over my body. A sensation like no other. A sensation that rivals sexual pleasure. When that warmth comes over my body, I feel it in every pore of my skin, in every cell of my blood, in every sensor I have in my body. The ultimate feeling of intense satisfaction and what I like to call "the world is right again."

This is the place where I was able to meet my addiction head on. This addiction was turning something that God had intended for us as fuel and sustenance into a perverse feeling of pleasure and profound contentment. I was confusing the body's natural reaction to being refueled and re-energized, which provoked the same exact feelings, with an emotional and spiritual reaction. Food was not meant to be an emotional reaction! It was meant to be a physical one.

So then it hit me. Dieting isn't about my body at all. It's not about my physical characteristics. For me, dieting is about, or rather should be about, retraining my body to react as God had intended. For me to turn my feelings and reactions back into physical responses.

Man that was a tough one. I really didn't think it was possible to turn my addiction to food—from which I draw the strength to keep living—back into what it should be, a physical response to nutrients filling my body's needs.

So here I sit, with this newly found realization, which I hope makes sense to you, and what I'm having to do is dig deep with every approaching meal to keep all that I've learned in the front of my head and in perspective. So that before every bite, before my every thought of food, that I remember that the food is to service my body, not my mind, heart or spirit.

It sounds so crazy to think that anyone could have feelings towards food that involve the mind, heart or spirit. I mean, good grief, it's food for crying out loud, it's not a spiritual experience or intellectual interaction or a heartfelt discussion. It's food! Fuel for the body. Sustenance. Nothing more.

So as I was sitting there trying to explain that all to my daughter, it felt good. She was proud of me. I felt so silly for a minute because here she is 20 years old and she already knew all of this. She's never had to deal with any addictions in her life. For me, by the age of 20, I was already fully addicted to food, but I had no clue that I was. But to see her smile at me and be so happy that I've learned this meant the world to me.

Has any of this that I've said make sense to you? Does it sound like alot of hooey? Does it sound like some psychobabble to cover up my overwhelming desires to eat everything in site? Does it sound twisted and nonsensical? Is this just me trying to create a cover up for the real problem—that I love food too much?

.

Cheaters Never Win!

Hi, my name is Cara and I'm a food addict.

...

I'm tempted to leave my blog post with just those 10 words because that about sums up my life right now.

Of course, you can tell, I haven't posted since July 20th. Let's see. On July 20th, I was 2/10ths of a pound away from my momentous 100 pound loss. That was the day I used my first EVER "no-weigh-in-pass". What a stupid invention.

Don't get me wrong, I can totally appreciate their intentions when they decided to come up with the concept. There are those weeks when we just can't face the scale being up. But for me, I see it as a way that I can cheat myself and deny the truth. The truth is, I'm up. No denying it. It is what it is. But when I allowed myself to use that first NWI pass, that was when I told myself it was okay to be up. I mean it was just a few pounds, right? What's a few pounds? Not much in the grander scheme of things. That's for sure.

But for me, those few pounds meant alot. It meant I had this eating thing under control. I'd learned how I could only be up a few pounds. I used, or rather manipulated, the system to my advantage. I learned how I could "be on plan" and eat what I wanted at the same time. I embraced that saying "You're only one meal away from being back on plan."

For me, every day was one meal away from being on plan. I would eat my points for breakfast but then eat whatever I wanted for lunch and then for dinner be back on plan. Or maybe it would be starting off with a horrible breakfast but then eating on plan for the rest of the day.

The problem was, every day I was allowing myself to go off plan and then telling myself it was okay because I would get right back on plan with that next meal... every day.

There's a flaw in there somewhere (she says sarcastically). I was allowing myself to eat what I wanted and covered it all up with "I'm still on plan". Because I was.

Now here I sit, 9 pounds over my "spectacular" 100 pound loss. I'm now back to September of last year's weight. September 2008! I've now, officially waisted an entire year of weight loss efforts. I've gained and lost the same 10 pounds for a solid year now. Every day, sacrificing and contemplating and lamenting. Over and over again. And I've flushed almost $500 of WW dues straight down the drain.

Who's to blame?

How did this happened?

Easy answers. I'm to blame. I've figured out how to cheat the system and get what I want out of it. What do I want? To eat what I want. This will always be my problem. I'm addicted to food. I love it. I cherish it. I dream about it. My every waking thought is about food. There's no denying it. There's no way around it.

It's like telling an alcoholic "I know you're addicted, but here, drink this one small glass of liquor in the morning before you go to work, once again at lunch time and another glass for dinner. But you can't have any more than just that one small glass. And you HAVE to drink it. You don't have a choice. You just have to NOT drink more than that one glass of alcohol."

That's how I feel.

And I have to live with that.

So...

Today starts my road to recovery. Being as I can't abstain from my addiction, I have to learn to coexist with it and learn to keep it under control. Hardest thing of my life. But I have to. I don't have a choice.

Accountability is the only thing that will save me from this addiction. If I don't account for my eating and exercise habits here, I'll continue to keep cheating the system in secret and never lose another pound for as long as I live. So I need to commit myself to blogging again. Regularly. I will commit to blogging every other day. I know, that's an awful steep goal when I haven't blogged in a month and a half. But it's the only way is see to start losing again.

I'm starting right now. Right here. Today.

Today I will commit to eating on plan. And tomorrow I will commit to going on a bike ride in the morning. I'll let you know how all this went on Monday.

I could really use some encouragement right now. Please tell me you guys are still out there. You haven't given up on me have you? Are you still there? Help me get through this.

.

Oh no, my old eating habits are back...

Okay, so maybe this "break" think wasn't such a good idea.

I think I might have fallen back into my old eating habits.

The other day, I snuck a piece of cake. No one knew I bought it or ate it. I disposed of all evidence... including the receipt. I even buried the container it came in at the bottom of the trash bag. This is something I used to do very frequently "when I was fat".

I've also been having monster size cravings. I know that was one of the hardest things for me when I first started losing weight. I would sit there all day long and dream of all the food I couldn't eat. The problem is, I've been eating that food lately, though in moderation, but I'm thinking now I should be. It seems that if I eat whatever I want to, even in moderation, it's only going to lead to wanting to eat more.

Whenever there's a lull in my day, instead of daydreaming about things I want to do or places I want to go or accomplishments I want to happen, I start really visualizing all the cakes and pies and cookies and pastries and donuts and candies. With vivid detail. Enough so that I can even smell them.

So I'm thinking that this is going to take me a bit longer to come back to my proper eating habits. It's also made me think... I always thought that one day, after I'd reached goal and had my weight under control, I'd be able to return to the foods I used to eat, but just eat them in smaller quantities, reasonable quantities. Now, I'm not sure that's going to happen. I don't want to have to fight these urges for the rest of my life.

I think I'm going to have to stick to indulging "on occasion" and definitely not with any regularity. Ever!

But you know what, I think I'm okay with that. Sure, I'm sure I'll still think about and dream about all the yummies that I can't have, but I think it's a fair trade. I mean, what's the alternative?

Eat what I want, whether it's large or small portions, and continue to gain all my weight back?

Or eat what I want on occasion and keep the weight off.

I think I'd much rather choose the latter. I don't ever want to be fat again!!! Never!!!

So now I just need to change my mindset back to focusing in on eating healthy and staying thin (or rather, getting down to thin, I'm still in the "overweight" category right now).

Get focused back on my overall goals and be happy with the process along the way.

Man, this is so hard.

.

With every rise, there comes a fall...

Okay, so I have some good news, or rather some great news, and then I have some bad news, or rather some horrible news.

Good news first.

Weigh in yesterday morning: Drum roll please....

I lose 4 POUNDS!!!

You guys were right. Those stress pounds came right off. Man, I'm so happy. I was so afraid those 4.8 pounds I gained week before last was going to take me weeks or even months to get off. I mean, I've only lost 8.6 pounds since the beginning of the year so at that rate, it'd take me over 2 months to take it back off. So I'm so ecstatic!!!

Or, at least I was.

Now for the bad news.

It's bad.

It's really bad.

I had an absolutely HORRIBLE weekend, food-wise.

I think I've gained those 4 pounds back. Why oh why do I do this!!!??? Can you hear me screaming right now? I haven't weight myself yet, but I will tomorrow morning. And I'm not looking forward to it.

I don't know why I did this. Why do I always do this?!

I ate the whole box of donuts Saturday morning just after weigh in. Well, almost the whole box. It was minus a half a donut from when I had my mini, controlled splurge Friday at lunch.

I had lasagna last night for dinner.

I had a piece of coconut cream pie for lunch today.

And the cherry on top of my pigging out weekend was the bag of Cheetos I scoffed down about an hour ago.

My stomach feels horrible. I feel so queasy. I've felt this way all weekend. I don't know what to do. I don't even know who I am any more. I mean, who in their right mind does this to themselves—intentionally. Am I doomed to sabotage my weight loss efforts for the rest of my life? Is this cycle ever going to end?

Kathy (my weigh in lady from WW) told me not to look at my weigh in book this week so I wouldn't wee those lost 4 pounds so that I wouldn't sabotage myself again. But I guess I didn't need to see the numbers in the book, I went ahead and sabotaged myself anyways.

It's almost like every time I lose big it gives me permission to splurge in a big way. It's like I have this leeway or something. It's like, 'whew, I lost that huge amount of weight, now I can just take it easy and indulge for a while because I have a huge buffer to fall back on'. Who does that?

I don't know where to go from here. Will I ever stop this cycle? I've been doing it fairly consistently for over 2 years now. You'd think I would have stopped by now.

So this week is going to be exercise hell for me. I didn't get to go biking this morning, but every night this week I'm going to have to burn a lot of calories. Heck, I might even get up early each morning and do a Shred workout (if I can drag my lazy butt out of bed each morning).

You know... I was only 1.2 pounds away from a paper clip??

I suck!

I thoroughly suck!!

Attach if the killer food smells...

So yesterday morning, just before lunch, I was sitting there minding my own business at work when all of the sudden I was clobbered over the head with this luscious smell coming from the cube just next to mine. I had no idea what it was, but oh man did it smell wonderful!

So I started getting hungry.

I had a banana. But that didn't satisfy the cravings that had now sat in. It smelled like pot roast with gravy.

Well, by the time I made it home, I was ravenous. Mind you, I probably wasn't even hungry, but that was beside the point. I wanted to eat everything in the house.

I sat down to my turkey wrap (which, by the way I absolutely adore!) and a cup of yellow squash & onions I made the other day (see, I'm thinking ahead, planning my menus days in advance to I make sure to eat healthy).

That wasn't enough.

I fried an egg (in bacon grease, mind you).

Very tasty, but that didn't do the trick.

I drank half a bottle of water, but nothing doing, I was craving something, anything, as long as it was food.

I went to the cupboard and you know what I found?? Doritos!! Doh!!

We splurged a little this past weekend and had taco salad for dinner one night so there were Doritos left over. I grabbed the bag and plopped down on the couch and went to town on it.

My finger tips were covered in Doritos dust. It made me think of that commercial on tv where the lights go out and these two people sitting on the couch snacking on a bowl of some sort of cheesy crackers or chips look at each other as their fingers and mouth glow in the dark from the bright orange residue of the cheesy crackers. I swear, if the lights had out just then, you'd see me glowing with Doritos dust.

I went to town on the bag until maybe 50 chips were gone. Double-handed eating, too.

Then I stopped and started getting a little queasy. I think the turkey, mustard, lettuce, yellow squash & onions, fried egg and Doritos were at war with each other in my stomach (I don't know why).

I put the bag down and went and washed my hands and face. I put the bag back in the cupboard and walked away like nothing had happened. No one was here after all. No one saw it. Back to an old habit I had when I was a hundred pounds heavier. Some things will just plain haunt me my whole entire life.

Then last night for dinner, hubby wanted to go to the neighborhood deli. We get a 30% discount there so I was game. They have lots of healthy things to eat there, so I was covered.

Hubby got there first (I was stuck at work as usual) so he got to the restaurant first. When I finally got there, I sat down and he said "oh, no, I didn't know you were going to be here so soon, I ordered some potato skins to munch on until you got here".

Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

Potato skins with gobs of cheese and real bacon bits with tons of sour cream is one of my favorite appetizers--ever!

(I ordered orange-chicken salad with fresh veggies and a salad.)

I am so proud of myself. When the potato skins got to the table, I did not eat one of them. I didn't even pick at the tops of one of them to eat a bacon chip or anything. It was extremely difficult, but I resisted throughout the entire meal. Yes, there was one left on the plate and it sat there through the entire meal until hubby finally at it as "dessert".

So today just before lunch time I smell that heavenly smell again. I reached for my banana but then it hit me. That smell is what made me go crazy at lunch yesterday. It set me up for failure. It made me crave food--any food.

So I remembered that they'd sent a memo around about a month ago asking people to not eat at their desks (for this very reason). So I walked over and very kindly ask her to not eat food like that at her desk. I explained what the smell does to me and how it effected me yesterday. She totally understood and covered it up immediately. The smell went away and I did fine at lunch today.

Turkey wrap and squash & onions.

Whew. Disaster averted.


P.S. The food she was eating was home made lentil soup. I don't know how I got pot roast out of that, but that's what it smelled like to me. :]

Things are looking up...

I decided to sit down and see just how much weight I've lost since my derailment last November and compare that to how much weight I've gained. The results were fascinating, encouraging and discouraging altogether.

I've lost almost 20 pounds (19.8, precisely) since the week before Thanksgiving.

However, I've gained almost 19 pounds (18.8, precisely).

So since my unintentional but purposeful sabotage, I've netted a total of 1 pound loss since the 3rd week in November. FOUR MONTHS.

Ugh!

I've learned so much about myself since November, though. I had no idea I was sabotaging myself, to begin with. And also, I've learned that I can lose weight and I can be successful at it and it's okay to be a success. It's okay to be proud of losing weight. It's okay to be proud of my new body.

For those of you who might not have been with me through last year, I started my "18 Pounds in 18 Weeks Challenge" last July because I was only 18 pounds away from 100 pounds lost. The closest I ever got was 2.6 pounds away from 100. Then I sabotaged myself and it took me until just recently before I realized I was doing it. I'm now 4.8 pounds away from the ominous 100 pound mark, but I am going to get there this time. I am on the downside of this losing streak—in a good way. And I am going to make it this time.

I've been consistent in my exercise. I'm actually becoming addicted to the running thing. I just can't wait to get out there and run again. I want to go right now.

I've been writing down everything I eat for about the last month or so. Consistently.

And I've been drinking my allotted water every day. Every day.

My mental attitude has changed greatly, too. I now look at food entirely differently. I used to get so mad at that fact that I was going to have to eat this way for the rest of my life and I was never going to be able to eat the things that I really wanted to eat. But now, that's not even the point. I still love food. I still consider myself an addict. But I just look at it all differently now.

I look at food for what it really is. It's nourishment. It's comfort. It's sustenance. It's pleasure. It's necessity. It's all these things. But all in all. It's just food. It's not my life. My life does not revolve around food any more. Food is a big part of my life. It should be. Without it, I'd die. But it's no longer my best friend. It's no longer my lover. It's no longer my life-long companion whom I gave precedence over everything else in my life. Food is no longer the enemy either. It won't trick me or tempt me or make me fail at being a happy, healthy, beautiful person.

I'm turning into a different person. It's a better version of the real me. And I like what I see on the horizons.

,

Attack of the chips...

I just had a momentary laps into my days-of-fat and I had to come in here and confess it. I feel just awful!

I just had a mad eating frenzy of chips and dip!

I had just eaten my on-point lunch of almond butter and sf blackberry jam sandwich and I was doing okay. Wasn't hungry. And all of the sudden, I ran to the pantry and pulled out the chips and hurried to the fridge and got the dip and stood there at the kitchen counter cramming chip & dip after chip & dip into my mouth like someone had told me that I wasn't going to be able to eat anything for the rest of my life and I had to scarf down as much as possible to help me live.

Oh my goodness!

I couldn't stop.

My finger tips were getting covered with dip as I went from bag to tub feverishly.

All the while, I kept saying "Cara, what are you doing!?" But I couldn't stop. "Cara, stop!". But I wouldn't stop. "Cara, I can't believe you're doing this! STOP!". But I kept going.

Finally after about 5 minutes of non-stop gorging, I finally said "OK, last bite" and I put them away. Deep breath.

Afterwards, I felt so dirty. I'm so ashamed I did that. I don't know why I did that.

I used to do that whenever I was alone at home, but I wouldn't stop until every last chip and ounce of dip was gone. I'd only do that when no one was home. And I'd throw away the evidence that I'd done it in the bottom of the trash can so no one would ever know.

I just went and brushed my teeth trying to get the greasy taste of the chips out of my mouth. I think I might have to go do that again because I can still taste the aftertaste a bit.

The only thing I can think of that might have caused me to do that was that I was a little shaky before lunch. When I was walking down the stairs at work to leave to come home, I remember thinking, "Wow, I'm starving". I was kind of surprised. I didn't feel hungry a minute ago. I was even a little shaky in my legs. I sometimes get that way—shaky for no reason. It doesn't happen often. In fact, it's happened very few times since I've been on WW. I've tested my blood sugar during several different episodes and each time my levels are normal. But in the past, the only way I could get the shaking to stop was to gorge myself on sweets. I guess because there were no sweets in the house, I gorged on chips.

Looking back, that's probably what it was. My instinct to get rid of the shakes. But while I was going through it, it's like I was a crazed animal. Chip crumbs were flying everywhere.

Well, I'm glad it's over. I sure hope I don't do that again. Luckily I was able to stop after only 5 minutes. I don't even know how many chips I consumed. I probably ate half the tub of dip. No idea how to count those points.

Listen to me, here I've just had a very traumatic eating experience and I'm trying to track my points.

I guess that's a good thing, huh?

.

What's in a number?

4.5


Would you like to take a guess at what that number is?

Pounds lost?

Nope.

Days left until the weekend?

Well, maybe, but nope.

Number of points I have left for the day?

Nope.

Would you believe the number of miles I ran this morning????!!!!

Ding, ding, ding, ding. That's right! You guessed it! Okay, with a little help from me, but what are friends for, right? :D

Can you believe that??!! Me, the one who a year ago was afraid she was going to die from jogging down the road just 30 feet. Me, who had panic attacks every time I took one step into a jog. Me, who has never beat any of the fears in her life. Me! That's right. Me! I ran FOUR AND A HALF MILES this morning!

Now, mind you, it wasn't the fastest 4.5 miles. It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to do it. I think I might have walked faster. :)

I burned almost 800 calories, too!

It was time to get up this morning and hubby didn't want to go to the gym. I said, goodie (to myself, mind you)! I'll go running outside. So I decided to take a route that I haven't done, walking that is, in maybe a year. I actually had to really work myself up to this route when I first started walking. Probably took me 6 months of steady walking before I was up to this route. It's actually only 3.75 miles, but I walked around my neighborhood once for a warm up (3/8ths of a mile) and once for a cool down (3/8ths of a mile).

It's a beautiful route—lakes and trees, residential and business. Too bad it's dark while I was running. Especially this morning because it was overcast. It's a very busy route, though. Major roads the whole way. So I'm safe and out in the open. Plus, there are two different cop stations along the way, too.

My iPod pooped out on me 16 minutes into the run. Ugh! I'd just gotten to a good part in the story of This American Life and it just died. I'd charged it the night before. Who knows why the battery went dead. I actually had to unplug it from the computer this morning before I left to go run, so I know it was fully charged. But the silence was nice. I focused on me, the trees, the wind, and prayers for my family and friends. Was very nice.

I don't think I want to do that every morning. I mean, it didn't wear me out. I felt the same at the end of the 4.5 miles as I did at the beginning. Very comfortable pace. I just don't want to overtax my body. I want to take this slow. I want to build up my body to be able to go for the long run. So I think I'll stick to 3 miles, or less, for now and maybe do a 4.5 mile run once a week until I'm more conditioned.

Hubby and I have worked out a great system for the mornings we go to the gym. He only likes to stay for a half hour and I want to stay for an hour, so what we've decided to do (actually my idea) was to go to the gym for a half hour and then as we get home, I'll just take out into the neighborhood for another half hour so I can get an hour of running in each morning. Where there's a will there's a way!

I went walking tonight after dinner—my usual 30 minutes after dinner. It was trash night so the neighbors had their trash out on the curbs. I saw some very interesting things tonight. There was a CD rack at one house, a computer monitor at another house, a perfectly good grill (looked like a gas one) at another one, and at another house was a kitchen sink. :D Yes, I saw everything including the kitchen sink while walking tonight. LOL

I earned 12 activity points today. Wow!

I've added a blog ticker up and to the right. I set a goal of running 100 miles—no time limit. I started it week before last. I'm up to 20.75 miles so far. Almost a quart of the way to goal. So exciting!

My eating was pretty good today. I've taken on a whole new outlook on food lately, with the help of Karyn. She's really been a good inspiration for me to get my thoughts about food straight. I'm learning to think of food as something wonderful from God but not something that I crave because it has some warped hold over me. I'm learning to enjoy food without having it rule my life. It'll be a long journey, but I'm taking baby steps to make my way through the first part. I really have to be conscious about my feelings and emotions when I'm eating. And then realign it to the right place. I can enjoy food without craving it and with it controlling my every thought. I know I can. It's still hard, because it's all still so instinctive to crave and depend on food to make things better for me. But I'm working at it. I'll get it. I know I will.

P.S. Hey, did you notice? I moved my Healthy You Challenge badge back up to 90 pounds!!! I'm truly only 8/10ths of a pound away from 95 pounds gone. I'm getting close!!

.

My precious food...

Wow, Karyn, I think you're on to something. "I'm thinking that you still see certain foods as necessary to your well being and happiness." When I read your comment, those words stopped me in my tracks.

My "precious foods" are just that. They are my emotional tie to happiness. And I think this goes deeper than "comfort food". Thinking back to the happiest times in my life, I can tie each one of them to a specific food item or meal. Celebrations always rewarded with great food. Family gatherings (which are so completely rare in my family) all center around a great meal. Getting together with people I haven't seen in years—think big hearty extravagant meal. Something horrible happens in my life and I try to mend the hurt with those same "celebration" foods to try and bring back the happy times.

My "precious foods" also represent monetary success for me. I've never been the smartest with money so we've struggled from time to time over the years and as soon as we have some extra money, what do we do but go out and buy an expensive meal that we shouldn't spend the money on and of course I'll get the richest most decadent foods (naturally accompanied by the biggest and sweetest dessert on the menu). In our last house, the food pantry had two accordion doors. You know, I never could bring myself to close those accordion doors because that would hide the food. I had to see the food so that I could feel safe and secure. If there was food in the pantry, I felt safe and successful. That sounds so sad.

This blog has always been a place where I can pour out my honest thoughts and emotions, but with this post, I'm taking it to a whole other level. I really can't believe I'm being so completely honest. In fact, I will surprise myself if I actually end up hitting the "Publish Post" button when I'm done.

But this is therapeutic. So many of you have offered such sage advice to help me past this huge hurdle (which, by the way, looks more like Mt. McKinley rather than a little wooden hurdle). And every word has meant so much to me.

They say identifying the problem is half of the solution. So if this is the problem, then how to I solve it?

How do you change something that is so fundamentally ingrained into who I am?

My "precious food" helps me stay sane. It helps me cope with life. It helps me know that things will be alright. It helps me see both feet firmly planted on the ground. It tells me that no matter what happens in life, it'll always be there to make things better.

How do you solve something like that?

Is it even a solvable problem? Or is it a problem who's solution is a "work around"?

My first thought is to contemplate the next time I'm eating for any reason other than to fuel my body. Let's see, that's about 90% of the time. So it shouldn't be hard to spot. It'll still be hard to identify, though. I can always use the excuse—"well, I have to eat, you know".

Hmm. The more I think about it, the more I need to switch from looking at food as my savior to looking at other things to congratulate and comfort me. Other things to let me know that I'm successful. How do I even do that?

How do I have a celebration without involving food? What would I replace it with?

How do I comfort myself when I'm feeling down without food?

I can't imagine what could possibly replace food.

Let's see... there's buying clothes or shoes. Too expensive. There's going to see a movie (which I LOVE). There are only so many movies out there. There's exercise. I've heard that's great emotional fuel. I have been having alot of fun running lately. Maybe I could switch to exercise rather than food. But will it satisfy me the same way? I get the warm and fuzzy feelings after taking a few bites of something wonderful. Exercise sounds awfully rigid, not soft and cuddly.

Hmm...

Okay, so I'm half way through the solution. I've identified the problem. The rest of the solution is just going to have to come in time because it's not coming to me right now. What do you guys do to make yourself feel safe, wanted, secure, satisfied, comforted, and "right with the world"?

Maybe there is no solution. Or maybe the solution is already there, I'm just not seeing it. Or maybe the solution is just identifying the problem.

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I think I'm headed for a train wreck...

I finally upgraded my blog design. I got a hint from SpunkySuzi's blog. I've always enjoy her backgrounds. So I went to the website she told me about and found out just how easy it is to add a different background. So I created my own custom designed background and used their code to get it posted on my blog. I even figured out how to change my font colors and divider lines and everything.

Sweet!

But then I had to do a very sad thing...

I change my ScaleJunkie badge (to the right) from "95 pounds lost" back down to "85 pounds lost". :,,[ sniff sniff

I was so proud of that 95 pound badge! Back in October, I dipped below 95 pounds but I didn't have the heart to change it because I knew I'd be back up above 95 pounds in no time. Well, it took me a month or better to get back above 95 pounds, but I did it. But now, I'm all the way below 90 (87.4 to be exact). So I thought it was time to face the music and switch it out.

It's a depressing time, but I have to be honest with myself and confront my weight gain. I'm the type of person who's always "glass half full". Actually, my glass is always most of the way full, no matter what's going on. But it's time I look at the glass realistically so I can access what's going on in my head and get back to losing.

I thought I was doing good since last Saturday's huge weigh-in debacle of gaining 8.4 pounds in one week! Actually, I was doing good. I was down 3 pounds!

Well, until I weighed myself this morning. I'm back up again. Gained 3 pounds in one day. Ugh!

Cara, what are you doing!??!!

I was so dedicated and determined. I wasn't really sacrificing or depriving myself. I really WANTED to eat healthy and on plan. And I was even exercising and giving it extra effort. Then we got paid yesterday and the flood gates broke loose!

For lunch, I had 9 pieces of sushi (crab, cream cheese and avocado with brown rice) and 7 steamed dumplings. All-in-all, sushi and dumplings are actually healthy for you and low in points. But not when you eat as many as I ate! I ate until I was stuffed! Pegged the Momentum™ hunger scale all the way up to 5+!

Then for dinner, of course we went out, it's pay day! Went to Chili's because of their Guiltless Grill menu. I ordered the grilled salmon with steamed broccoli and black beans. Not a bad selection. According to their menu (which I've been told is NOT entirely accurate) it was a 10 points. I actually was already over by 1.5 points for the day (before I started dinner) but I had to eat, right?

But we ordered chips and salsa before the meal. Why? Who knows. Neither of us were particularly hungry. We could have waited for our meals. But alas, we pigged out on the HUGE bowl of chips and two cups of salsa.

Needless to say, by the end of my meal, I'd pegged the huger meter all the way up past 5 again!

Again, the food I ate wasn't bad for me. But the quantity was HORRIBLE!

Then (and there's always a then), when we got home, I made chocolate pretzels (dark chocolate kiss melted between two Snyder's Butter Snaps). And I think I at about 20 or 30 of them (finished the rest of them off this morning).

I have no self control!

Why am I continually sabotaging myself.

It's almost like... Okay, Cara, you've flubbed up this past year, lets see how badly you can flub up next year!

Ahhhhh!!!!!!

And I know what I'm doing, too. I'm not proud of it, but I know exactly when I'm doing it that it's wrong and will make me gain! But I continue to do it anyway.

I don't want to eat anything else that's bad for me, or rather too much for me. I really want to start losing again!

My skinny jeans are getting tight on my. No, I take that back, they're not GETTING tight on me, they ARE tight on me.

:(

Somebody stop me!!!

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What a wonderfully fatty week...

I H-A-D S-O M-U-C-H F-U-N T-H-I-S W-E-E-K!!!

I think I ate my weight in food!

I haven't done this since before WW (19 1/2 months ago)!

What a blast!

I gained 8.4 pounds at WI this morning.

That's 8.4 pounds in ONE WEEK!

I have NEVER gained this much in one week before! The most I've ever gained in one week was back in June when I gained 3.4 pounds.

Last Saturday, I gained 1.8 pounds from eating sensibly but not exercising. But this past week, no exercise AT ALL and I ate WHATEVER I wanted.

So that's a total of 10.2 pounds in 2 weeks!

I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

It started on Saturday when I had:

• Cheeseburger and Seasoned french fries dipped in ranch dressing for lunch (I can't remember what I ate for dinner and I did not journal any of my food this week)
  

...and it went down hill from there.

On Sunday, I had:

• Several Brown Sugar Cookies
• Half a family sized box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
• A cheese egg white omelet with veggies, oatmeal and cranberry muffin with tons of real butter and coffee with tons of real half and half (can't remember dinner)
  
• Dessert at midnight: huge piece of cheesecake covered in hot fudge sauce topped with a whole brownie chopped up and sprinkled on top with maybe a quarter cup of white chocolate chips with a side of chocolate ice cream (Denny's Brownie Cheesecake)
  

On Monday, I had:

• Sensible egg white omelet with veggies and goat cheese for breakfast
  
• Kielbasa sausage with tons of sauteed onions and green peppers loaded with shredded cheddar cheese (not reduced fat) and some sauerkraut
  
• A huge peanut butter sandwich with like maybe 4 or 5 tablespoons of peanut butter, gooped with gobs of honey and cinnamon and sugar

On Tuesday, I had:

• Sensible steel cut oatmeal with flaxseed, honey, splenda, cinnamon and soy milk for breakfast
  
• The same peanut butter sandwich for lunch
• Center cut pork chops (fat not trimmed), pan seared then baked in the oven with stuffing (whole grain) until cooked through with corn and peppers (and butter) on the side
  

On Wednesday, I had:

• Sensible steel cut oatmeal with flaxseed, honey, splenda, cinnamon and soy milk for breakfast
• Half a box (regular sized box) of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (whole grain again)
• Home made spaghetti sauce with real spaghetti noodles, real fattening ground beef and tons of Parmesan cheese on top
• About 8 homemade oatmeal cinnamon cookies (my own concoction of oatmeal cookies made with cinnamon, ground cloves and nutmeg (gave it a pumpkin pie spice flavor to it) with a bag of Hershey's Cinnamon Chips. Oh, man were those things heavenly!

On Christmas, I had:

• Scrambled eggs with real cheese
• O'Brien potatoes cooked in real butter and oil and topped with real cheddar cheese
• Real bacon
• Wheat toast (2 slices) with real butter
• Then for dinner, turkey, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, corn, Brussels sprouts, biscuits with butter, stuffing and gravy.
• For dessert, a piece of real pumpkin pie with loads of whipped cream
• Throughout the day, I munched on "Mock Turtle Pretzel" candies my mom-in-law made: put pretzels on a cookie sheet and top each one with a rollo and a half a pecan and put in oven until melted. Each one was 1 point. I probably had 15 of them.
• And more of the oatmeal cinnamon cookies

After dinner, I realized that I'd left the broccoli casserole (broccoli, cream of mushroom soup and Velveeta cheese melted altogether) in the microwave. So I had a couple of servings of that after my dinner settled.

On Friday, I had:

• Denny's Heartland Scramble. Listen to what's in it: "Two eggs scrambled with chopped bacon, country-fried potatoes, green peppers and onions, and topped with Cheddar cheese. Served with two strips of bacon, two sausage links, hash browns and two fluffy buttermilk pancakes." I got cheese on the hashbrowns and substituted the pancakes for grits but got some of their new pancake balls—they're little balls of pancake rolled in cinnamon sugar and served with syrup to dunk in.
• Then for dinner a HUGE plate of left over spaghetti
• And afterwards, after to coma started to set in, I had 2 more helpings of broccoli casserole, one more helping of sweet potato casserole and about 15 chocolate chip cookies.

Can you believe I ate all that stuff?!

I enjoyed every single bite of every bit of it!

I have absolutely NO regrets. I earned those 8.4 pounds!

The good news is, I'm back on plan. I'm counting my points today and back to exercising already. Getting ready to go for a walk soon.

It's behind me now. And I know it'll probably take me months to get these extra 10 pounds back off. But it was so worth it. I ate like I used to eat before WW and loved every minute of it. I never felt guilty for one bite.

Is that sad?

I weigh, now, what I weighed back on August 2nd. So sad!

I have no desire to cheat any more, though, I wonder why? :D

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Is this emotional reaction to food really worth it?

I was reading Mary Fran's blog day before yesterday and it got me to thinking. She was talking about how she'd started on a downward spiral a year ago at a Christmas party. And she mentioned how she didn't really crave the sweets but once she started eating them, she couldn't stop. I started thinking about how the sugar we eats really effects our brain. I mean in a scientific way.

I know that our brains use sugar (glucose), as do other essential organs all over our bodies, to regulate it's functions and maintain normalcy. Well, it would only make sense that if we get too much sugar, it'll effect our brains. If nothing else, it'll trigger an emotional response to the sugar overload. I know not enough sugar (like after you've worked out really hard and you're dehydrated) will make you sleepy because your brain is being deprived of sugar. So, in turn, too much sugar has the opposite effect by making us hyper and excited. That, my friend, is an emotion. To be excited about something can elicit feelings of euphoria and pleasure. It's like, the more sugar, the better we feel, the happier we are—emotionally.

Then in the car, I heard a story on NPR (my favorite station on the planet!) about a listener who called in about her comfort food (they were having a segment about our comfort foods). When she was a child, her mother bought some sweetened condensed milk one time and she tried it and said it tasted like a little drop of heaven. She immediately wanted more. Her mother was sensible and told her, no, she could only have one teaspoon a day. So her mother set the can of condensed milk up on top of her wardrobe and there it sat starring at her as she laid in bed. She couldn't wait to have more. Now, as an adult, whenever something wonderful happens where she wants to reward herself, she gets a can of condensed milk.

That sounds like a perfectly normal response to me. She associated the sweet milk with a pleasurable emotion she had as a child. She would dream about that milk. Couldn't wait for her next taste. She had built a pleasurable emotion around that milk. That milk made her so happy.

And finally, I got my new Cooks Country magazine today and on the first page is the letter from the editor (Christopher Kimball) where he talks about how his strongest memories are built on taste. "Drinking grape soda in the front seat of a green Ford pickup ... Or the taste of penny candies purchased at the Weston Country Store ... Watermelon slices, Root beer Barrels, Long strings of red and black licorice..." etc., he went on a bit further. But then after describing all of these wonderful taste sensations he had growing up, he started talking about how when we were kids, we didn't have to describe the experience of eating these wonderful things and he continued, "... that is the difference between pure, unadulterated joy and pleasure. One is ecstatic: the other is controlled. One is pure out-of-body happiness: the other is self-observed. In joy, one is overwhelmed by the senses, not merely tempted. It is what food promises but rarely delivers. ... That's why good cooks are often children at heart, easily swayed by a finger dipped into chocolate batter, their hearts open to the unexpected. We know that at any moment, we may once again fall in love with the juiciness of a peach, the flakiness of a pie pastry. We are like old lovers who continually rediscover the beauty of each other in a glance, in a thought, in a happenstance."

Wow. That is quite an observance! The "joy" of eating is one that overwhelms our sense, not just tempts us. And I love his line "it is what food promises but rarely delivers". And how he compares these joyful experiences we have with food to a love relationship. "continually rediscover[ing] the beauty of each other". It reinforces my thought about how food can really be addicting. I mean, not only do we need food to survive, but the "good" food messes with our heads. Doesn't it?

The same point was coming from two completely different people talking about two completely different experiences in life but yet their point is identical.

Why is it the most basic thing in life, besides breathing and sleeping, has, at its core, the ability to elicit such emotions from us. Come on! We need to eat! We don't have a choice. It's not like we can quit, like quitting smoking or drinking. We can't avoid it. It's there whether we like it or acknowledge it or not. And it can make us feel so good. Even the most die-hard health experts will tell you that if you eat a balanced diet of high proteins, low carbs, high fiber and low sugars and fats, you'll feel so much better. Your body will thank you for the healthy nourishment. So everyone agrees that food directly effects the way you feel and your emotional well-being.

I think, for those of us who have such a struggle with these decadent foods that give us this emotional high, we have an extra task in life to recognize which foods will give us that feeling of pleasure and that longing for a loved one, and realize that these feelings we seek from eating them are purely scientific and mechanical. Sugar=pleasure. Pleasure=indulgences. Indulgences=Danger Zone. Once we step into that danger zone, we have to realize, first, that we are there, then, second, take a look around and realize why we feel so good after eating that piece of cake, then, third, make a conscious decision to stop at that one bite or that one piece because we know that the effects of pleasure derived from it are not related to our well being but rather a false emotional stimulus that will be gone as soon as the sugar wears off. I think if we can put ourselves into that frame of mind whenever we're in that situation, we'll be much more equipped to take control and not give in to what that sense of pleasure and all it brings with it.

That being said, I'm still gonna want a piece of cake and I'm still gonna eat that piece of cake. But I have to assess that "euphoric" feeling I get when I first bite into it and realize that it's not going to "make things all better". That feeling is temporary. And if I can keep that in the front of my head, I'll be less likely to go back for that 2nd or 3rd piece of cake, solely based on how it makes me feel. If I can just keep the science of it all in my head, I can beat it.

I'm equipping myself to resist the sweets this week. How about you? Will you try and do this with me. This is the perfect week to try this. I'm not going to refrain from indulging. Come on, it's Christmas! But I'm going to stop and access my emotions after I have a bite or two and realize it's my body's chemical response that's making me feel wonderful and that if I eat the rest of it or more of it, it's not going to satisfy anything!

Think chemical. Think scientific. Resist overindulging this week.

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