I have been having the hardest time, lately. My old demons of food addiction have been creeping up on me alot lately. Its really made me rethink all of my weigh loss accomplishments. Have I really come as far as it looks?
This week, I gained 3.2 lbs.
So that's the outward assessment of my weigh progress for this past week. But my inward assessment is that I feel like I'm slipping back into the old me. Now, I haven't been bingeing or hiding my food or eating in secret and I haven't been really over eating (too large portions) but I have been craving food and eating what I crave.
A craving is a good and natural thing. Most times. Our bodies will tell us when it needs certain foods. Right? So what do you do when your body tells you it needs a cheese quesadilla? Or fried chicken? Or chocolate cake? Or cheese fries? Or how about hand made potato chips covered in blue cheese, cheddar cheese and bacon? Why does my body possibly need these things??
These are cravings in my mind and in my emotions, but most definitely not in my body.
But they feel the same. It really feels like my body wants these things. I feel it all over. My head tells me. My stomach tells me. My heart tells me.
I heard Dr. Oz say this week that we get cravings for only 10 minutes at a time and all we have to do is (drink water first) ride out those 10 minutes doing something else (distraction) for the craving to pass and then we'll be okay. What?! My cravings last for days! Sometimes weeks. What's up with that?
And while I'm "satisfying" these cravings (by eating all these bad things), I feel vindicated, comforted, and completely satisfied. Even afterwards I usually don't feel bad about eating them. I usually feel like I've just set through a productive therapy session or a deep conversation with a friend who has helped me work out my issues. I rarely feel guilty for giving into these cravings.
Now, sometimes my stomach makes me feel "guilty" by tossing and turning after I've eaten these bad things (like it feels right now because I just finished a half a brick of cream cheese and half a bag of Ruffles).
Its weird, because sometimes I do great when these cravings hit and sometimes (like now) I don't handle them well at all. The problem is, the times that I don't handle them well usually set me back anywhere from 2 to 10 lbs and then I'm right back where I was a year ago.
I'm so mad I could scream!!
I am now at the exact ... same ... weight as I was on September 20, 2008!!!
I know... take this one day at a time, Cara. I can't keep looking back. I know. I have to get a grip. I just want to throw in the towel and surrender to this whole weigh loss thing.
If it wasn't for how disgusted I am with the fat rolls lazing around my waist and drooping on the under side of my arms between my elbows and armpits, I swear, I'd give up and raise the white flag! But it makes me so much more mad that I have to carry around these extra fat rolls.
And what also makes me mad is the extra skin hanging around. I really think I'd be 10 lbs lighter if I didn't have all this extra skin hanging on me. I can't (won't) get surgery to get rid of it so I'm just stuck with it, I guess. I would have thought that after almost 3 years the skin would have gone back, but it hasn't so I suppose it never will.
Can you tell I'm just stinking frustrated!?!?