Saturday, January 2, 2010

Can I throw in the towel now??

I have been having the hardest time, lately. My old demons of food addiction have been creeping up on me alot lately. Its really made me rethink all of my weigh loss accomplishments. Have I really come as far as it looks?

This week, I gained 3.2 lbs.

So that's the outward assessment of my weigh progress for this past week. But my inward assessment is that I feel like I'm slipping back into the old me. Now, I haven't been bingeing or hiding my food or eating in secret and I haven't been really over eating (too large portions) but I have been craving food and eating what I crave.

A craving is a good and natural thing. Most times. Our bodies will tell us when it needs certain foods. Right? So what do you do when your body tells you it needs a cheese quesadilla? Or fried chicken? Or chocolate cake? Or cheese fries? Or how about hand made potato chips covered in blue cheese, cheddar cheese and bacon? Why does my body possibly need these things??

It doesn't.

These are cravings in my mind and in my emotions, but most definitely not in my body.

But they feel the same. It really feels like my body wants these things. I feel it all over. My head tells me. My stomach tells me. My heart tells me.

I heard Dr. Oz say this week that we get cravings for only 10 minutes at a time and all we have to do is (drink water first) ride out those 10 minutes doing something else (distraction) for the craving to pass and then we'll be okay. What?! My cravings last for days! Sometimes weeks. What's up with that?

And while I'm "satisfying" these cravings (by eating all these bad things), I feel vindicated, comforted, and completely satisfied. Even afterwards I usually don't feel bad about eating them. I usually feel like I've just set through a productive therapy session or a deep conversation with a friend who has helped me work out my issues. I rarely feel guilty for giving into these cravings.

Now, sometimes my stomach makes me feel "guilty" by tossing and turning after I've eaten these bad things (like it feels right now because I just finished a half a brick of cream cheese and half a bag of Ruffles).

Its weird, because sometimes I do great when these cravings hit and sometimes (like now) I don't handle them well at all. The problem is, the times that I don't handle them well usually set me back anywhere from 2 to 10 lbs and then I'm right back where I was a year ago.

I'm so mad I could scream!!

I am now at the exact ... same ... weight as I was on September 20, 2008!!!

I know... take this one day at a time, Cara. I can't keep looking back. I know. I have to get a grip. I just want to throw in the towel and surrender to this whole weigh loss thing.

If it wasn't for how disgusted I am with the fat rolls lazing around my waist and drooping on the under side of my arms between my elbows and armpits, I swear, I'd give up and raise the white flag! But it makes me so much more mad that I have to carry around these extra fat rolls.

And what also makes me mad is the extra skin hanging around. I really think I'd be 10 lbs lighter if I didn't have all this extra skin hanging on me. I can't (won't) get surgery to get rid of it so I'm just stuck with it, I guess. I would have thought that after almost 3 years the skin would have gone back, but it hasn't so I suppose it never will.

Can you tell I'm just stinking frustrated!?!?

.

18 comments:

Diana said...

Cara, I noticed your daily goal - to the right - "Never quit". Well said. :)

Okay, I totally understand what you're feeling because I'm sort of in the same place too. However, I've been reading a book you might want to look at - "The end of overeating." by Dr. David A. Kessler.

You and I are very similar and since this book is really helping me I think it might help you too.

Now don't you dare give up. Never. :)

screwdestiny said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. But you've come such a long way, and you can't forget that. Just because you've been somewhat stagnant for a while does not erase your great progress. Maybe you could help get rid of the cravings by thinking of what that food does for you. Like, if you think that you want a ton of potato chips and cream cheese, remember that that is what causes the fat rolls. Do you think that would work for you? Sorry, I guess I don't really have very good advice because my cravings usually go away after a couple of hours at the most.

But whatever you do, don't give up. You're too good for that.

blueraspberry said...

When times are good, its easy to be here, to wonder what is so hard about 'doing it' - it all seems so easy when you are coasting, and seemingly in control. When you know what to do, and when you are Willing to do it, food no longer clamours in your head and gut, you somehow seem to be able to ignore all the pains you are now experiencing - maybe dont even feel them. Maybe we get a little complacent - and think we have it cracked, and we start thinking we can take back small bits of what we used to do, thinking we can control them now. When its going good - its going good, and others, we, look on in awe and try and follow the lead set out in front of us. When its going good we need you perhaps more than you need us. But its when its going a little wrong, that you need to be here, when you have lost your way, lost the answers and no longer have the energy to seek them out. Thats when you need to be here, to find what it was you had.
Have you tried going back and re-reading your first posts ever, the ones that got you started before? I suspect the difference between what you did then was just one word....Willingness. The willingness to say 'No' to those temptations, to put things down, to turn away. Willingness to plan and see the plan through, willingness to grit your teeth and eat what you need rather than what you want. You know what to do, you know the answer, the cravings are only as strong as you allow them to be. Be willing to ignore them and they miraculously go away. But then I know nothing about anything!
BR.

jinxxxygirl said...

Wow after reading blueraspberries post how could i possibly add anything. I think she hit the nail on the head. January is always a little tough for me. I loosened up the reins for the last month or two and getting back on the wagon takes a little practice. It also takes a little time to get all the 'bad' food out of the house and get back to 'normal'. Yes, all the chocolate chip cookies are gone now thank you. Hang in there girl. This too shall pass.

Gina said...

It's times like these when the tables turn and your readers, that's us step up to support and motivate you. Diana is right, "Never quit". You said it first.

Blueraspberry said it perfectly. "Willingness. The willingness to say 'No' to those temptations, to put things down, to turn away." Is it easy? Heck no. The voice in your head is screaming at you. I sometimes tell myself, "think like a parent" would you let your child eat/do something that would hurt them? Speak to that "childlike" voice in your head and just say NO.

Personally, I'm on the same journey. I had a rough year. My doctor is telling me "insulin now". I'm telling him "No, I can do this. All I have to do is get the weight down and stop eating the high carb out of control. I can control the blood sugar with diet and exercise." Tomorrow is my next visit with him. I didn't do well over the holiday. What is he going to tell me?

I started an exercise plan. I put the rebounder in the middle of the living room floor and it is staying there. I live alone so I'm the only one that has to trip over it. But it is a constant reminder. I also can't get into the kitchen without stepping over it or around it!

All that to say, we need you and you need us. Keep up the great work. Look to all the good you have done and just ignore the upsets or at least learn from them.

~Gina

MaryFran said...

You know what stood out for me on your post? When you said that you hate the way you feel....just as bad as you hate having to watch the cravings and curbing your eating. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. Which do you hate more? Do you hate those extra rolls of fat more than anything else? Or do they pale in comparison when thinking about curbing your eating? Some days for me, it's a hard call. But for most days if I actually think about it realistically, the fat rolls and the icky feelings brought on from my added weight are really what I hate the most.

ALl of this needs to be put into perspective...which is the most important, because we can't have both!

tisha said...

Cara - I can soooo relate to every word in your post. The difference between us, however, is that YOU are aware of the gain at this point and are working through it. I kept blinders on for eight weeks and have many many pounds to prove it. Don't give up...never,never, quit. Happy New Year to you and David!

Gina said...

Hey everyone...something I joined to keep me focused for the next 8 weeks.

Cara, I thought of this after reading your blog. I hope I am not out of line in posting this here.

Improve Yourself! 2010: Your Goals, Your Actions, Your Results
http://www.engagedmarriage.com/individual-fulfillment/announcing-improve-yourself-2010

Would you like to start the new year with a purpose and accomplish some concrete goals quickly?
Would you like to jump-start your success in 2010 and do more than pay lip-service to your New Year’s Resolutions?
Are your ready to make a real commitment to yourself and your family and be held accountable for your progress?
Are you ready for some fun and great prizes?

Miz said...

alas no.
you may not quit.

you can lament whine bitch stomp your feet tell us we have no clue what you are going through and to bug off and get back to being pissed and angry and EMBRACING all your feelings until you are tired.

and ready to let us all lend a hand.

you can do this.
it's a new day and, in a way, today is the beginning of a new year.
stop and remember all the successes youve had (and there are many) as a reminder to yourself that you KNOW HOW TO SUCCEED and are on your way again.

Miz.

Yaya Reta said...

Hi Cara-Its Yesenia your FB friend-I do know you are frustrated and can understand the holidays are to us what bullies are to children trying to be the best they can! I know you can do this-THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Perhaps you need to sit down and make a list of why you are doing this for example, your future grandchildren. Another suggestion is maybe trying the former core plan until you are ready to deal with points again. That is what I do I go from extreme to the other to find my balance. I look forward to the blog of VICTORY!

SeaShore said...

If you're fretting about a 3.2 gain and are thinking of outright quitting, you need to take a long, serious look at your before pictures. Put on a "before" outfit if you kept one. Try to remember how hard it was to get around with all that extra weight.

I do know what you mean though. I gained 1 pound the week before Christmas, and 5.2 the week of Christmas. I've still lost 90+ pounds, but I've been dwelling on those few regained, feeling like a failure.

You really need to remind yourself of your successes. If you are the same weight you were in September 2008, I say kudos to you. Lots of people weigh far more than they did then.

Karyn said...

DoNOT give up, Cara! You have come a long way - you look great, you are in good condition.....you can beat the addictions too.

TeaMouse said...

I know those cravings - I know them too well! Yes, they last and last. I give in way too often for my own good, otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I am in. I need to lose at least 80 pounds possibly 90 and I feel it's impossible. Then I come and see that you've already done what I think is 'impossible'. So you slipped a bit, so you're cravings are back - I agree with so many on here, you've had a little slip and have gained a couple of pounds but to throw in the towel when you've come this far. I agree take a look at your before and after pictures, you've made some great progress and it's progress like this that tells me that maybe it isn't impossible that maybe just maybe I can do it too!

I'm doing a private weight loss blog under my blog profile if you ever want to read it let me know. I need a lot of encouragement.

Kelly! said...

wow, i am truly grateful that you took the time to send me that comment. thank you so much i really appreciate it. thank you for the advice everything you said really helped. liek i said youre doing amazing, keep it up. i will definitly drop comments regularly! thank you so much!

onemomsweightloss said...

I completely relate to how you feel. I used to weigh 290 lbs. I had gotten down to 130 and maintained for awhile. Now, I'm back up to 198!!! Ugh. I started a blog a few days ago to hopefully feel like I have more accountablity. I don't want to weight almost 300 lbs ever again. I'm trying not to look backwards. It is was it is...now I must move forward. Good luck to you too :)

Jess said...

Don't give up. Weight that comes on quickly disappears quickly as well. If you just push yourself through this week I know it will pay off.

Jess said...

BTW if you need a laugh check out my blog at fatmansguidetoweightloss.blogspot.com

blueraspberry said...

'Who's towel is this on the floor - someone throwing towels about and not picking them up again?'

BR.