Saturday, July 9, 2011

"Dear God, Please help me lose weight..."

The second week of the "Made to Crave" class was nice. I'm still not connecting with the other ladies at my table, though. I'm thinking of switching tables next week. I don't want to be rude to the ladies I'm with now. It's just frustrating me. Or maybe it's not them, maybe it's me. (In case I didn't mention it, the format of the class is a 20-minute DVD from the author then we break into small groups and go over the discussion topics in the study companion book.)

So last Thursday, I mentioned my feelings, to everyone, about how I find it so foreign to ask God to help me lose weight. My prayer sounds so shallow to me: "Dear God, I know there are children in my country who are being bought and sold into sexual slavery, I know there are elderly who are being abused and tortured by their caregivers, and I know there are serial killers out there right now preying on their unsuspecting victims, but if you wouldn't mind, could you help me lose a pound this week?"

I'm just not getting it.

I didn't put it quite like that in the class, but I did tell them that I just am not comfortable asking God to help me lose weight and they came back with the standard answers (answers I'd probably give to someone who said what I said)--"Our body is the temple of God and we need to take care of it" ... "We need to take EVERYTHING to God, not matter how trivial we might think it is."

But here's the thing. I already take everything to God, no matter how big or small. And as for the temple of God thing, I think this temple is pretty healthy already. I don't have any health issues. I can participate in just about any sporting event I want to and feel good doing it. I'm only 30-50 pounds overweight, I'm no longer obese. In my opinion, this temple doesn't need much attending to in order for it to be a great place for Him to dwell.

Which brings me to my point: I feel like if I ask God to help me lose weight, it's a superficial request. His temple is in great shape. By most standards, I'm the epitome of health. I just don't like the way I look and feel in my clothes. I don't like looking down and seeing flabby, dimpled thighs staring back up at me. I don't like the squishy fat I have clinging to my sides like a half deflated intertube. I don't like that I'm a size 14/16, I want to be a size 10.

These things all feel so superficial to me. Not godly or holy requests.

I don't know how to get past this.

I know, "pray about it," you say. Well, I am. I just haven't found clarity on the subject yet.

Do you guys have any advice for me?

Friday, July 1, 2011

I know how to lose weigh, now why can't I stop eating...

I think that should be the name of my first book. People keep telling me I should write a book. Sometimes I feel like I already have... here on my blog.

This week was the first week of a new study at my church on the book I was telling you guys about--Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst. It was very interesting. The idea is to turn our focus off of food and onto God.

I SO need to do that! All I can think about lately is food. All day long. In the middle of typing an email, I think of a restaurant we used to go to in Alaska called Sullivans and think about all the wonderful things we'd eat there. Out of the blue. It's been 10 years since we left Alaska. Why would I think about that?

I think about... no, let me rephrase that... I obsess over food every waking hour. And I don't know how to think about anything else.

I try not to, but that only makes me think of it more.

This is not helping my weight loss efforts one little bit.

This is how bad things have gotten. I haven't logged my weight into Weight Watchers online because if my weight is hidden away in a little cardboard weight log and not officially entered into a database, it can't really be all that bad, right?


I finally did it. I logged my weight for the first time since Feb 5th. ... I've gained 9.8 pounds.

On Aug 7th of last year, I weight 158.8---the lowest I'd ever been (in fact, the lowest I'd been since before my 22 year old daughter was born).

Now look at me. My official weigh in last Saturday was 179 lbs. I've gained 20 lbs over these 11 months.


Because I can't stop thinking about food.

I love absolutely everything about it. I love watching cooking shows. I love baking. I love cooking at home. I love going out to eat and trying foods I'd never cook at home. I love going to the grocery store and looking at all the different kinds of food there. I love... well, I really could go on and on and on. But suffice it to say, I think I'm a little obsessed.

So I'm really hoping this class will help me get a hold on things. See, I don't need to learn how to lose weight. Weight Watchers has taught me that. I could probably even be a leader and teach others how to lose weight (who knows, maybe some day I will). But that's not my problem. I know how to lose weight, I just don't know how to stop eating and obsessing over food.

In the class tonight, she quoted a doctor who said that there is definitely a way to lose weight, and if you follow healthy guidelines you'll lose weight. But when it comes to eating and enjoying eating, will power isn't enough. The doctor said will power will only take you so far but it won't help you achieve success. He recommended instead to look to a higher power for assistance.

Well, that's what I'm doing. Or at least I'm attempting to do. I think the basic plan for the book is to replace my thoughts about food with my thoughts about God. The tagline on the front of the book says "Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food".

I have no idea, though, how on earth I'm going to stop thinking about food.

In the class tonight, they broke us up into smaller "discussion" groups. I felt so disconnected from the other ladies at my table. None of them seemed to have the problem I have. They might be bored eaters or emotional eaters or maybe just don't know how to eat right. I felt so weird. Am I really the only one who thinks about food 24/7?