Turning onto a new path in my weight loss journey...

I've turned a corner in my weight loss journey.

Well, no, wait a minute... not in my weight loss journey, but in my heart.

The most I can hope from this turn, is to not do a u-turn and head back down the path I've been on for the past couple of years.

As many of you might know, I've been on Weight Watchers since May 2007. So in a couple of months, I'll have been trying to reach my goal weight for FOUR YEARS. (yikes) I still haven't reached goal. 

Sure, I've reached major milestones along my journey, all of which I'm extremely proud of, but I haven't reached my ultimate goal weight yet.

Well, now I hope with this new turn, I can get there.

A little bit of history about my weight loss journey, for those of you who are new. Weight Watchers has taught me SO much about how to eat right. It's taught me what foods are good for my body and bad for my body. It's taught me that I can eat whatever I want to eat as long as I eat responsibly and watch my portions. It's taught me proper exercise. And an all around healthy look at the way I eat.

I've also tried a few other diet plans along the way, though none of them I've stuck with for very long. Maybe even a few weeks at a time. But each time I dabbled in something different, I learned so much more about foods and how they interact with my body.

I learned a great deal from the Eat Clean Diet. Man, if you ever want to learn exactly what food does to your body, that's the place to start. My husband tried a medical weight loss diet and I learned  a lot from his journey about carbs and sugars and protein and how they break down in your body for the good and bad.

So, all in all, I'd say I have a pretty good grasp on how to diet, or rather how to eat right and exercise to lose weight.

But here I sit, still 30 pounds from my ultimate goal (20 pounds from my Weight Watchers goal).

I was almost at my wits end when I recently stumbled across a lady who'd written a book about cravings. It started me to thinking about how throughout the 200+ blog posts and 4 years of daily eating and exercise habits, it has always come back to cravings for me. That's always been my down fall.

My cravings are SO bad. I'm sure you can all identify with it. A real good visual is the orange fuzzy monster that Weight Watchers came out with a couple of years ago to represent the "cravings monster" who stalks us and follows us wherever we go. I can say I've never physically seen that monster in my path, but I have definitely felt him emotionally and mentally taunting me and teasing me and making funny faces at me ALL THE TIME. My cravings are such a real and tangible thing.

So back to this book. It's by a lady named Lysa Terkeurst and it's called Made to Crave.

The book is about how God made us to crave, but not necessarily to crave food but more to crave Him. Listen to this verse: "How lovely is your dwelling place, oh Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." (Psalm 84:1-2). It says 'my heart & flesh cry out for God'. If I had to be completely honest with myself, my heart and flesh cry out for cheese fries, juicy burgers, lasagna, cheese & bacon soup, coconut cream pie, bacon & onion mac & cheese, donuts and full fat lattes (though my list of "crying out for" foods, could continue for another paragraph or two, to be truly honest). And I'm afraid that I've let my cravings for food consume my craving for God.

Here's an excerpt from her book that really sums up how I feel right now. She's talking about her endless cycle of waking up each morning and weighing herself just hoping that the scales would be kind to her, but they never were, and so she'd step into the kitchen and each whatever yummy thing she could find for breakfast, and start the cycle of bad choices for another day only to repeat this process every morning. Anyway, here's the excerpt:

And the cycle I've come to hate and feel powerless to stop continues. ... But I did need to make changes. I knew it. Because this wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Really surrender. Surrender to the point where I'd make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

Part of my surrender was asking myself a really raw question.

May I ask you this same raw question? Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am a deeply spiritual person and I rely on my God and my Saviour, Jesus, for every breath I take and everything move I make. How could this be humanly possible that I could love food more than God?

But I think back over the past 4 years, heck, the past 44 years, and I can see where my life has almost always revolved around food. I schedule for it. I anticipate it. I devote serious amounts of time to food every day of my life. You might even say I'm a bit obsessive compulsive about my lovely food. 

So maybe there's something to what she's saying.

Well, that is where I am right now. This is the corner that I've turned. I have no idea what's around the corner, but I know that I need to reexamine myself and my heart and get my priorities and my cravings set straight.

I'm only on chapter 4, but I feel like I'm on chapter one of my weight loss journey. And I feel really good about that. I really feel that if I could knock my cravings, or at least get them under control, I could beat this weight loss thing.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes. I plan on journalling more frequently (I know, you've heard that before). I want to work through this new process a bit more and I'm gonna need your help to get me through it. We'll see where I go from here. I hope it's to a better place and a more sane reality for me. Because I just don't know how much longer I can stay on the path I'm on continuing to not reach goal.

...

P.S. If you're interested in the book, I can post more info about it. Just let me know.

155

Okay, so it's been a MONTH since my last post. I'm a total blogging dead-beat!

A lot has happened since then, but then again, not so much. Since then, I've lost a total of 5.2 lbs. But if you remember, I had just come back from vacation where I'd gained about 8.2 lbs (officially, according to Weight Watchers--unofficially I gained 12 lbs on my scales at home because there was a no-weigh-in pass that I took the week I got back).

I still have 3 more pounds to lose to be back to the weight I was before vacation--before the week of Sept 18-26.

Okay, now that I got that outa the way. I have to say that I am as determined as ever to lose these last few pounds to make it to goal. Right now, I'm at 164.8.

If you remember last time, I'd resolved to change my goal weight to 160 rather than Weight Watcher's goal of 155 (the heaviest I can weigh (according to their charts) for my age and height). Well, I have to admit something to you. I secretly want to make it all the way down to 155.

I can't help it. It's something I still want.

I haven't gone to the doctor yet to ask him to write me a note saying that 160 is a healthy weight for me (which I'm SURE he'd do in a heart beat). But I really DO want to make it to 155.

I know I had made up my mind to not be defined by a number but be instead be defined by how I feel in my skin and in my clothes. And don't get me wrong, I still do want that. In fact, I want that SO badly. But I still cant get that figure outa my head--155.

It haunts me still.

This is why...

It's 10 pounds less than where I am right now.

Well...

Over the past 4 weeks, I've lost 6.6 lbs.

Pause for dramatic effect...

That tells me that I'm doing this right and I CAN lose the weight. It's all in my head. Sure, there's metabolism and eating the right foods (low sodium, low sugar, low fat, high fiber, high protein, low carbs, etc., etc., etc.). But more importantly is my mental ability to will myself to lose weight.

I swear, for the past 4 years, it's been more about the battles I've had in my head than the battles in the numbers and on the scales. Sure, those are the outward evidences of it all. But the internal--both mental and emotional--has been my real struggle.

So, yea, I do want to feel good in my skin and be proud of my body. And I am. But I do still want to get down to 155.

I know it's a total contradiction and I don't know what to do with it.

Maybe that's why I haven't blogged in so long. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the road with a fork in front of me asking me to decide which road to take and I just keep digging at the ground in between the two paths so I can take both of them.

The thing is, sooner or later, I'm gonna have to choose... and I just don't know how.

.

I'm going through changes...

I think I'm going through a MAJOR shift in my weigh loss journey right now. No, I know I am. I haven't been posting for a while, but I've still been on plan and forging forward in my struggles to lose the last 5-10 pounds. And I think I'm moving in a new and distinct direction right now.

As you probably know, I've been struggling with trying to get to goal for over 3 1/2 years, now. And I've struggled for the past year to lose a measly 5 pounds. I've even gotten down to where I was about 3 1/2 pounds from goal, only to shoot back up a couple of pounds and find myself, yet again, 5 pounds away from goal.

My ultimate goal was to make it to 145 lbs. But I set my Weight Watchers goal at 155 because that was the most I could weigh, for my height and age, and be at goal according to their standards.

The thing of it is, I'm not entirely certain I'll ever make it to 155.

I mean, I am the QUEEN of positive self talk. And when I set my mind to do something, not much stands in my way. I do it. And I'm a stickler for rules and doing things the right way. All of these things combined makes a good plan for success. But still, I can't quite succeed. I just can't quite make it to goal. And at some point, I need to ask myself if "goal" should be my realistic goal.

I took a much needed vacation a couple of weeks ago, from Sept 18-26. My husband and I drove up to West Virginia and spent a blissful week with my mom. Even he thought it was heaven (truly). We even found a cabin up there on her mountain that's for sale that he wants to buy (pie in the sky right now, though, we're in no financial condition to move to another state and buy a house right now, but it was a beautiful dream... someday maybe).

The week before we drove up there David and I had a good talk about my weigh loss efforts. He's so good at helping me talk through things and keep things into perspective. Some of my last posts, in fact, were talking about how I have been obsessing over my weight loss efforts to the point of it becoming borderline OCD. And during our drive up to W.Va. (which, by the way, was the best long drive I've ever been on in my life), I think I was able to come to terms with it all...

I still struggled with it some, but what I was talking through doing was switching my focus away from the pounds and focus more on how I feel, physically as well as emotionally. Most importantly, how does my body feel. How do my clothes fit. What is my self image. How confident do I feel. Those types of things.

And just over this past week, I think I've made a definite decision to change my weight loss journey. I now want to focus solely on how I feel and not what I weigh. And I think I feel really great about that decision.

Which brings me back to Weight Watchers... As many of you know, I have not missed one Weight Watchers meeting since I started in May 2007. I have attended a meeting once a week since May 12, 2007. I've even received 3 certificates from my leader for perfect attendance. And that's something I'm wholeheartedly proud of.

I don't want to quit Weight Watchers. I've learned so much on WW. I've come so far. There's no way I could have done any of this without WW... and of course, this blog and you guys (and my husband's support).

So I think what I'm going to do is make an appointment with my doctor and ask him if 160 would be a healthy weight for me to maintain and just make that my goal. I've weighed ABOUT 160 pounds for the last year and a half (give or take 2 or 3 pounds). So I'm sure he will agree that it's a healthy weight for me.

And then I'll ask him to write a note saying that 160 is a healthy weight for me and take it to Weight Watchers and have them adjust my official WW goal.

That way, I can reach goal and get this monkey off my back.

I tell you, it's been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. I keep telling myself that if I go to the doctor and change my weight goal with Weight Watchers, I'll be cheating. And I won't REALLY have reached goal. Like I took some sort of lame short cut to the finish line.

And I hate those thoughts.

But I know I just can't keep going like this forever.

The fact is, I feel good in the skin I'm in right now. My clothes fit me perfectly. I truly FEEL skinny. I look healthy. I don't look fat. Truth be told I'm only 5-10 pounds overweight according to most of the weight charts in America right now. So I just need to keep focused on these thoughts and away from the "shortcut" thoughts.

On a side note, while I was on vacation, I ate whatever I wanted to. I told myself before I went up there that I was going to do that, but just be sure to eat small portions. But that was out the window when I walked through the door and my mom made me my grandmother's recipe of peanut butter fudge--my all time favorite thing in the world!

So needless to say, I gain about 12 pounds while I was up there. Yikes, huh?!

I'm okay with it, though. I've been able to get about 7 of those pounds off. I'll have the rest off in no time. Even if it takes me a few months. I really do feel good about it all.

I truly feel happy in the skin I'm in.

.

I like good surprises...

So at weigh in today, I was TOTALLY (TOTALLY) shocked!!!

Okay, so you know I weigh myself every morning. Lord knows I haven't always been able to do this, but it seems to be working okay for me for now. I woke up this morning and weighed myself and was saddened to see that after a victorious spin class and one very intense workout this past week, I was at the exact same weight as I was last Saturday. :[

I've learned to not get upset at my scale. I keep my remarks down to a one-word child-safe explicative. So, I shrugged it off and hung my head all the way to Weight Watchers waiting to hear that I'd gained a few tenths or maybe at best broken even. I was fully prepared for a gain.

I lost 1.4 pounds.

Huh?!

Then I remembered that I had gained 1 pound last week and I didn't feel like I deserved it at all. And 8/10ths the week before that.

So I'm going to chalk it all up to, #1, my scale isn't accurate, and #2, my body is going to fluctuate whether I like it or not and I'm not always going to get the numbers I think I should.

And I've got to think bigger picture... As long as, over the long haul, the line is still going down, then I'm going in the right direction.

I looked back at my weight record book as I was sitting waiting for class to start this morning and since Jan 2nd, I've lost 13.4 pounds.

Some would look at that and say "You've only lost 13.4 pounds in 8 months??!!". But considering I lost a whopping FIVE POUNDS from May 2009 to June 2010, I think I'm going to count those 13 pounds as a HUGE victory. Huge!!!

So, I'm still 4.2 pounds away from my Weight Watchers goal. So, let's see, if it took me 8 months to lose 13.4 pounds, then I should have these last 4.2 pounds off by... Let's see... 8 months=35 weigh ins... 13.4 pounds lost... that's about 4/10ths lost each week... So 4/10ths divided into 4.2 pounds should be 10 weeks, right?... So if that's right (and you have to know that math has always been my WORST subject) that would be the beginning of November...

I can totally live with that! I had randomly given myself til the end of the year to reach goal, so that's right on schedule.

Oh, and on a side note, we had a substitute leader this morning. Ned was on vacation. Don't get me wrong, the sub was a nice guy, but he's NO NED! :]

.

What just happened??

I had a weird thing happen this past week... I lost weight doing the exact same thing I've done for the past 3 weeks. Why is that weird? Well, last week I gained 1.8 lbs and the week before that I gained 8/10ths of a pound. So, hmm.

I lost 2.2 lbs this week.

Weird.

I know I've heard people say that sometimes your body does what it wants to do no matter what you do so far as eating right or exercising. But this one just doesn't make sense. I mean, when I say I did the exact same thing, I mean I did the exact same thing all three weeks. I ate the exact same points each day. I earned the exact same number of activity points each week. And I used the exact same number of flex points each week.

So I could look back on the previous 2 weeks and think maybe I was stressed. Stress defeats all weight loss efforts, I know. But the weird thing is that this past week I was a little anxious about some things and my work was very fast paced, faster than it has been in the past month, but I wasn't stressed about much the previous 2 weeks.

So I'm not exactly sure what happened. Its an enigma.

Another thing that hasn't changed over the past 3, actually 4, weeks is my attitude towards losing. I am determined in a whole new way to reach goal. I have such a clearer picture of my goal now. Before, I would look ahead at the pathway leading to my goal and it was muddy and dark and dimly lit. But now, it's bright and shiny and I can actually see myself getting there.

So I'm gonna just put those bad 2 weeks behind me and keep moving forward. I'm now down to 163.6 and my Weight Watchers goal is 155 so I have another 8.6 lbs to go. After that, I think I might keep losing (after I've reached lifetime) because I would REALLY love to be down to 135 or 140, but we'll see how that goes.

So here I am, I'm keeping going, going down my path to goal.

.

Very slow weight loss...

You know, I have had the slowest weight loss for someone who has never missed a Weight Watchers meeting in almost 3 years and has never stopped one day from counting my points and working the plan. I've weighed in EVERY Saturday since May 12, 2007—EVERY SATURDAY.

And look at this. It's my weight loss chart from day one:

• My average weight loss has be 7/10ths of a pound each week. Not bad.

• I started at 265.2 lbs and I'm now down to 163.2 lbs.

• I've lost a total of 102 lbs.

Here's the sad info (well, sad for me):

• From May 12, 2007 to Dec. 20, 2009 I lost a total of 97.4 lbs with an average loss of 1.2 lbs each week. 19 months, not bad, right?
  

• Then from Dec. 20, 2009 to present day, I've only lost a total of 6.4 lbs with an average loss of .1 lbs each week.
  

Look at this plateau—a plateau I basically maintained for 15 months:

See how many ups and downs there were? The gray line going horizontal across the center of the chart is the 175 lb mark. So even though I reached my 100 lb goal in May of 2009, look how much I went back up and down. I'll bet I lost 50 lbs (and gained 50 lbs) over the past 15 months. All the while, never missing a Saturday morning weigh in or meeting.

Crazy!!

I mean, I've heard of people having plateaus for a short period of time. A few weeks or maybe a month or two at the most. But never for 15 months!! And I've heard of people not following their plan or "kinda" following their plan and having stats like this.

But me? I've been on plan the whole time. What the heck?!

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic at my losses recently and I know I'm heading down the right path now to make these pounds stay off for good, instead of gaining them back like I've done over the past couple of years, but doesn't this sound a little crazy?

Who in their right mind would keep going this long, day in, day out, non-stop every week?

The truth be told, I've learned a lot about myself over these 15 months. Sometimes I thought I had myself figured out. Each time, I learned something valuable about me. Its been a long process and one I would never want to do again nor would I want to recommend to anyone, but this process has brought me to where I am today. I can look back at every loss and every gain and say "I've overcome".

I'm not at goal, yet. I'm only 8.2 lbs away from my Weight Watchers goal. And 23.2 lbs away from my ultimate goal. I sure hope it doesn't take me another 15 months to lose these last 8 lbs.

Who knows. All I know is that I will make goal one day. I am sure of that. In the mean time, one day at a time, one week at a time, one step at a time.

P.S. The twitter guy hasn't bugged me any more. Whew! He's probably off terrorizing someone else by now. My boss hasn't said anything about any phone calls to the owner either.

.

I LOST 100 POUNDS!!!!

...again. :]

I finally did it, though, and I'm so excited.

I lost 100 lbs last year on May 30th, precisely 100.2 lbs. Then the following week I gained a half a pound then the week after that I took a no-weigh-in-pass because I gained a little over 10 lbs. When I weighed in the week after that, I was still up 4 lbs and from there on out, it was up a pound, down a pound, up 5 pounds, down 2 pounds, etc., etc., all year long.

Until today. Today I lost 1.2 lbs to bringing my total loss to 100.6 lbs. The most I've ever lost. And I don't EVER want to lose those 1.2 lbs ever again! I'm tired of losing the same pounds over and over. I'll bet you I've gained and lost 60 pounds since last May.

Not any more.

I see my goal clearly and I know what steps I need to get there. No sacrifice. No denying myself. Only positive steps towards a goal I deserve.

It was really cool when I weighed in this morning. The lady who was weighing me, Cathy, and Ned (my leader) and Barb (the other receptionist), were all huddled around the computer screen waiting for the computer to display the results. It was funny because they all stopped what they were doing and leaned in together.

The computer took forever and I even made the comment "Did I break the scales again??". When finally the computer spit out the results and they all three started yelling and jumping up and down and cheering "You did it!! You did it!!" I couldn't believe it.

Cathy even came out from around the counter and gave me a big hug. Was so cool!

They made such a big ruckus that I heard people who were behind me in line saying "someone must have made goal today". Boy, the way we were all cheering, you'd think I would have reached goal. Well, I reached "A" goal, but not actual goal. But a big goal nonetheless.

What a relief!

And then, during the meeting when it came time to do celebrations, Ned stopped and said, "First, before we get started with celebrations, there's something that I want to give to Cara because she's reached a huge goal today" and he walked over to me and handed me a Weight Watchers certificate congratulating me for losing 100 pounds. And a tiara. Yes, that's what I said, a tiara. Cathy and Barb came over to partake int he celebration and Cathy said "no that wont do" because I took the tiara and placed it in my lap. She grabbed it from me, tore open the package and placed the tiara on my head. What a hoot!

See...
























(There's a lady behind me, that's why it looks like my hair is so big, it's not my hair at all)

You know I was so doubtful that I'd actually make my 100 lb mark today after I'd gained 4 pounds of water gain last weekend. It took me until Friday morning before I had almost all of it off. I was still about a half pound up on Friday morning. But I did what I was supposed to all week and I drank lots of water and it all came off and then some.

Whew! That was a close one!

My next goal is goal. I'm 9.6 pounds way from Weight Watcher's goal. That'll put me down to 155. I still want to lose more than that, but I'm going to keep my Weight Watchers goal at 155 for now. I think eventually I'd like to get down to 145. Would be really sweet if I could get down to 135 because then I would have lost half my body weight. But I'm sure at my age, 135 isn't realistic or healthy.

So on to my next goal. Here I go...

.

I've always been afraid that I would run out of food...

I'm heading down the same pathway I've traveled before. I recognize the trees and the houses along the side of the road. This route is so familiar to me, I could travel it blindfold.

But thank goodness the blindfolds are off.

All week, I've been having craving after craving. I've been thinking about a big, thick, juicy cheeseburger ... and my favorite snack, chips and dip ... and chocolate cake (which is weird, because I'm usually more of a vanilla cake type of person) ... and real macaroni & cheese ..., and onion rings ... and a baked potato with TONS of real sour cream and real butter ... and cupcake pops (if you've never heard of these before, check them out on my Facebook page, they're oh so yummy!) ... and donuts (yes, donuts again) ... and McDonald's sausage biscuit w/cheese & hash browns ... and real pancakes (not the healthy kind) with gobs of butter and syrup and powdered sugar ... and, well, I could go on and on but I think I'll stop for now.

Suffice it to say, I've had A LOT of cravings lately.

Why am I having these cravings?

Because I'm trying to sabotage myself again. I'm getting ever so close to a goal again and for some reason I have this "sabotage mechanism" that kicks in telling me that I can't do it. Telling me, "you're sacrificing too much, you need a reward."

The thing of it is, though, that I'm seeing clearly now for the first time and I am not really sacrificing. I'm not. Like tonight, I had a small plate of homemade spaghetti. And, because I knew it would haunt me if I didn't eat it, I had about 2 tablespoons of left over homemade mac & cheese from last night. I knew if I didn't eat it, it would be calling my name until I ate some of it.

So I'm doing this the right way, I'm allowing myself to have what I want, I'm just keeping it under control. Like, tonight, when I put the spaghetti on my plate, I piled it on. Because that's my sabotage mechanism kicking in. I was saying to myself, "go ahead, you've been good, indulge". Just when I was about to start eating, I looked at the plate and said "what are you doing?! you don't need that much spaghetti!!" And I was right, I would be completely satisfied with half that much. So I scooped half of it back in the pot and was completely satisfied with that much.

Speaking of being satisfied, I've really been focusing in on this lately. I'm so used to eating what I put on my plate, not matter how hungry I was. I'm used to piling it on and eating until it's gone. I've spent my entire life practicing that plan. But lately I've been asking myself why. And I'll be honest with you, I never thought I'd arrive at this place.

I mean, ever since I started Weight Watchers (almost 3 years ago), I've been at war with myself about the fact that I'll never be able to eat what I want and as much as I want for the rest of my life. I've cried about it and blogged about it. And honestly always thought it would be something I'd just have to live with.

But I'm just learning that I can still eat whatever I want, just not a ton of it, and I can still be happy. I remember when I first joined Weight Watcher and Ned said I could eat whatever I wanted on Weight Watchers. I thought to myself, at first, this is cool. But then after a year or so of not really eating what I wanted--or rather the amount of food I wanted--it started really ticking me off. I felt like I'd been bamboozled. Sure, I can eat anything I want, but I just can't have as much as I want. That doesn't sound right to me.

But now I'm learning that I don't really need to eat "as much as I want". I've really been focusing on my portions, lately, and noticing how satisfied I am. You know, they say there are 3 stages of fullness--satisfied, full and stuffed. I've always been somewhere between full and stuffed, with the needle leaning closer to stuffed, to feel happy. But I'm realizing that satisfied is taking on a whole new meaning.

See, I'd always thought that stuffed meant that everything was okay and I didn't have to worry that my food wouldn't be there later for me. If the food was there now, and I ate as much of it as possible, I wouldn't have to worry about it not being there later. I've always had a fear that I would run out of food. In fact, for years, I had to keep my cupboard doors open so I could see the food in there when I walked through the house. That's a hard one to overcome. And I don't claim to have beaten it. But I sure have taken one giant step towards winning the battle by realizing that if I get hungry later, I can eat more food later.

What a concept.

If I get hungry later, I can eat more later.

I don't know why that has never occurred to me before. How can something so simple be so elusive. The funny thing is that I've heard that over the past few years but I didn't believe it. I was still afraid the food would be gone later.

Now I know that satisfied is a great place to be. And I feel so happy that I've finally figured that one out.

As for my overdose of sodium last Sunday that caused 4 lbs of water retention, I've gotten all but about a half a pound of it off. Now my goal is to just NOT gain. Before, I wanted to lose the 6/10ths (or was it 4/10th) by this Saturday. Now I just want to NOT gain. I think that's a noble goal, don't you?

.

The results are in from the doc...

Well, I had my follow up visit with my doctor about my knee. It doesn't look good. He said (A) I have minor degeneration in my medial & lateral compartments, which is basically the padding between the knee joint. And (B) degenerative disease in my patellar tendon, which is the tendon that connects the knee cap to the top of the chin.

So, the medial and lateral degeneration (A) will likely build up calcium deposits what will chip off and I'll have to get removed. This happens as the pad basically start wearing out.

And then the degenerative disease in my tendon (B) will only get worse. The more I run on it, the worse its going to get. No way around that.

But he referred me to a sports medicine orthopedic specialist who can help teach me things that will allow me to continue running. He said the specialist can show me exercises that can be done to help compensate for the weaknesses and recommend ways of running or equipment to wear to help compensate.

But the part that bothered me the most is that he said degeneration like this is normal in someone who's in their 50s and 60s but not in their 40s. I forgot to ask him, but I'll bet its because I've been twice my normal weight most of my life.

All this time, I thought I was perfectly healthy being overweight. I always got great check ups. No high blood pressure. No high blood sugar. No abnormalities in my liver or kidneys. No high cholesterol. EKGs always perfect. I've always been in perfect health, even when I was almost 300 lbs. But I guess I wasn't.

I've made my knees 20 years older than they really should be.

I've also been having pains in my upper arms, but in the bones, not the muscles. It hurts when I have to lift them above my head. And heaven forbid if I wake up in the middle of the night with my arms above my head! Its excruciating!

He said that might be related to the degenerative disease. So when I go to the specialist, I'm going to mention it to him and see if there's anything that can be done about that as well.

I'm suddenly feeling so old. :|

On the flip side, my weight loss is going strong. I lost another 4/10ths this past week. That's 5 weeks in a row, now, that I've had a loss.

I've lost a total of 5 lbs over the past 4 weeks. Woo hoo!!!

I've got my head in the right place, now. I know I can do it this time. I want to be back down to below 100 lbs before my 3-year anniversary of starting Weight Watchers rolls around. That's on May 12th of this year. I'm only 2.2 lbs away from that goal, so I really should have no problem reaching it.

Would be really cool if I could reach my Weight Watchers goal of 155 lbs by then. I'm not going to set myself up for failure, though. The old me would have figured out how many weeks it is between now and May 12th and figured out how much weight I would have to lose each week to be at goal by then. But I'm not going to do that to myself. I've learned that I don't work well under pressure—weight loss pressure, that is.

Nope, I'm going to take it one day at a time, one week at a time and we'll see where I am by then. All I know now is that I'm on the right track.

The funny thing is that I've known how to do this all along, I just didn't do it. I guess I'm the type who likes to find out how to beat the system and then get by with as little work as possible to accomplish the goal. Well, that does not work in weight loss! And its only taken me 3 years to learn that.

I think I know enough now about weight loss that I could write a book about it. I know what to eat, how much, when, what types of food are good and bad for weight loss, exercise, etc. I know how to lose weight. But the actual process of losing weight isn't what's been tripping me up, but I never realized that. Its the mental and emotional part of losing weight that's the hard part. That's the hidden danger for me.

Speaking of writing a book, I'm still reading though Dr. Colbert's "I Can Do This" Diet and its really getting good. He's so thorough. This last chapter, that I've reread twice now, is about cravings and why the body craves certain foods and how to stop cravings. Its very interesting. Maybe on my next blog, I'll share with you some of the things he talks about. It's really amazing.

But for now, no more running until I can see the specialist. I sure miss it. I'm afraid the longer I don't run, the hard it's going to be to get started running again. And it was so hard to get started.

.

Where would I be without you...

Wow, what a week!!

I'll start off by saying... I think I ate EVERYTHING that came with in a 2 block radius of my mouth.

And secondly I want to say... I gained 3.4 lbs.

Hmm, I wonder how those 2 sentences relate? I wonder!

Am I surprised that I gained 3.4 lbs?? ... NOT ... AT ... ALL. I wholeheartedly earned every ounce of that gain. And actually, I think I really needed it. I think I get this way every few months where I just take one week and throw caution to the wind and eat like I used to eat when I was 275+ lbs.

Am I proud of it? No, not at all. I'm not ashamed of it, though, because it is what it is. I did the proverbial "facing the music" this morning (where the heck did that saying come from I've always wondered).

Now I've gotten it out of my system and I'm ready to get my head back in the game. I think its just because I've eaten all of the food that normally haunts me and so I have no desire to eat it again. Almost like, "well, I did that so I don't want to do it again" at least not any time soon. I'm sure I'll have another week like that in the months to come, but it won't be any time soon.

You know I was re-reading your comments from my last post and I think you guys might be on to something. I think Jinxxxygirl might be partly right saying that I can live with the weight that I am now. I can. I mean, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a healthy, normal looking woman. I don't see myself as overweight, although technically I am. I need to drop another 20 lbs before I won't be considered overweight by most doctors' and dietitians' standards. But I am happy with the way I look. Although, that being said, I'm still disgusted by the fat rolls that are still hanging around my middle section, that's for sure. I'm not in any way, shape or form happy at all with those.

And Brooke, I never really thought of it that way, but there is a fine line between contentment and complacency. I'm not at all content with my current weight or body image, but I'm very complacent with my weight loss efforts. I do need to find a bigger distinction between the two. I'm so focused on the scale, too, but I'm not entirely certain I want to break that dependency.

That being said...

Gina, you're brilliant. Why didn't I think of that. I've already been able to break my scale addiction at home—I don't weigh myself on the scale every day. In fact, I will only weigh myself at home on Saturday mornings before I go to weigh in. But what if I didn't do that. And what if I did ask Barb, the WW secretary, to not give any indication as to whether I gained or loss and I just didn't look at the results. I wonder if that might help me stay more focused. Gina, I think you're onto something. If I didn't find out if I gained or lost then I wouldn't know if I had any "splurge" room and I might be more apt to stay on track and not indulge or splurge like I normally do when I've found out that I lost.

And Donna B, you're right, I do need to have more faith in myself. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for being. And Kelly!, you know, I do need to get my mindset off of me "being stuck" at this weight. I know the mind is a very powerful weapon. If I can change my mindset to how far I've come, which I have a tendency to take for granted SO much, and get back to thinking that I'm still headed in the right direction, maybe that'll help me stay sane through this process.

So, Screwdestiny and Miz and blueraspberry and MaryFran I just need to buckle down, stay focused and make the right choices TODAY. And restart my focus each morning and keep going in the right direction.

I'm not going to focus on where I'm not.

I'm not going to focus on how far I haven't come.

I'm not going to focus on where I wish I was.

I'm going to focus on where I am now, how far I've come and rest peaceful in the fact that I am still headed in the right direction and I will make my goal. I can do it. I will do it.

Thanks everyone. You guys always keep me going. What would I do without you??

Oh wait, I know... back up to 275 pounds.

.

From great disappointment to great victory (I hope)...

Weighed in this morning. Very disappointing. I gain one whole pound.

In the grander scheme of things, gaining one pound isn't really that big of a deal. But I tell you, when I saw that "+ 1.0" I wanted to cry! I teared up a bit but quickly calmed myself down.

I know why I gained. That's the part that makes me want to cry.

I've been doing it, every day, for the last year and a half—2 years, 5 months, 12 days—896 days for crying out loud! Why am I NOT at goal by now?!

I sat down the other night and did some horrible math! I mean, the math was correct, but the amount was horrible.

I added all of my losses each week, from Oct 2008 to Oct 2009, and figured out that I've lost a total of 46.8 pounds.

Good huh?

Some would say great!

Here's the kicker...

I then added up all of my gains from each week, during the same date range, and I've gained 49 pounds!

I've spent the last 365 days—every day—counting my points, exercising (off and on), sacrificing (and indulging), paying close attention to everything that goes in my mouth, and I've gained a total of 2.2 pounds over the past year.

Why??!!

I know what to do. I know how to lose weight. Am I just choosing not to?

What the heck!!!???

Look at my weigh in stickers from last year and today as proof positive.

Do you realize if I'd have lost those 47 pounds and kept them off, I'd be 123 pounds right now? Well, okay, so that's WAY to skinny for me. So I could have stopped losing weigh 10-15 pounds ago. Wouldn't that be just darn sweet?!

I want to cry.

But instead...

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to beat this. I'm going to win this war against the scale (I know, bad analogy). I've got a 2-part plan.

#1, I just went and dusted off my Weeks 1-10 books from WW (the one's from 2 1/2 years ago, I can't for the life of me find the 2009 books, I think I lost them in the move). I'm going to sit down and read through them—cover to cover—every page. Then I'm going to write down, in my cute little food journal notebook (the one that I didn't write in at all this past week) the basic things I need to do, like the 8 Good Health Guidelines. (We talked about 4 of them in the WW meeting this morning.) So I can focus on exactly what I need to do, every day, and see it in writing in my food journal, every day.

#2, I'm going to move more this week. There were a couple of girls in class who encouraged me to join them at the gym or at a dance class this week. I'm going to email them for starts to see what they're doing, and when, to see if I can join them. I'm going to go with my husband to the gym this coming week, too? I'm thinking 3 evenings this week would be good to start. Then whatever else I can squeeze in.

Those 2 basic things are a LOT! I know. But I know it works. I know, because those two things helped me lose the 100 pounds that I've lost so far. So I know they can help me lose the last 20-25 pounds I have left.

Care to join me? Click the link to read the 8 Good Health Guidelines and move more with me this week. We can do it, right?

Leave me a comment if you want to commit to these 2 things this week. Then we can encourage each other along. Tell me what's going to be the hardest thing for you. For me, it's going to be exercising and getting 3-5 servings of fruits and veggies in every day.

Oh, by the way, I'm running in the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure 5K tomorrow morning. The last 5K I was in, I couldn't finish running, I had to walk. We'll see how this one goes. It'll be a lot cooler this time, so we'll see. Race starts at around 7am, it's supposed to be in the upper 60s then. Wish me luck!

.

How I Reached My 100 Pound Goal.

I want to thank each and every one of you who stopped by my blog and congratulated me. Each and every remark meant so much to me. I feel like I just won the Biggest Loser. I feel on top of the world.

I seriously NEVER thought I'd lose 100 pounds. I mean, my ultimate goal was originally to lose 130 pounds, and I really thought I'd have reached that goal by now. When I started Weight Watchers 2 years and 4 weeks ago on May 12, 2007, I truly thought I'd be at my 130 pound goal WAY before 2 years.

When I first started losing weight, it wasn't really all that hard. I remember thinking to myself "why didn't you do this a long time ago, this isn't so hard". I mean, the pounds just seemed to drop off with very little effort on my part.

My first year, I dropped 80 pounds, with an average of 1 1/2 pounds a week. Not bad, huh?! So at that rate, which is a safe rate at which to lose weight, I'd be at my ultimate goal after about a year and a half.

Then something unexpected happened... me.

See, I decide last July that I'd start the 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge. If some of you have been following me for a while, you remember this. You might have even joined me in this challenge. My goal was to reach my 100 pound mark by Thanksgiving. Then I could sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and be thankful that I'd lost 100 pounds. But then a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, my weight loss efforts came to a total and complete halt.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

I sat down to Thanksgiving dinner sad and disappointed with myself. I tell you what, I have never hated Thanksgiving as I did then. And you know what I did. I ate like a pig. I figured, heck, if I can't lose the weight, what does it matter? I was thoroughly disappointed with myself.

But I couldn't figure out why my weight loss had stopped. I was still doing everything I'd always done. I was eating my points. I was exercising regularly. So why wasn't I still losing??

Then in one week, the week of Christmas, I gained 8 pounds. Ugh! I completely pigged out. I thoroughly enjoyed everything I ate.

Then the next week, I got right back on plan. To no avail, though. Still no weigh loss, or very little. I thought because those 8 pounds came on so quickly, that they'd drop off just as fast.

Nothing doing.

But I didn't give up.

I felt like I was banging my head against the wall. A really hard concrete wall. I kept trying and trying, but nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sure, I'd lose a pound or two here or there. But I'd inevitably gain to offset any small momentum I might have gained.

It wasn't until just a couple of months ago that I learned that I was sabotaging myself. My biggest enemy was me!

Wait a minute. Me? Sabotage? What the heck!?!? I want to lose this weight so bad. I want to be a skinnier me so bad. Why on earth would I ever sabotage myself??

Looking back, I think I freaked myself out. Just before Thanksgiving, when I was just a few pounds away from the 100, I think I convinced myself that I couldn't do it because I wasn't worthy. It's like, I wasn't good enough to be thin. I didn't deserve it. After all, I still craved all the bad food. I still wanted to eat everything in sight. And who's to say that as soon as I reached my 130 pound goal that I wouldn't gain every pound of it back. I convinced myself I wasn't good enough to be thin and healthy.

Listen to this. Terri, a friend from high school, just left me a message on my Facebook. She really hit the nail right on the head. She said: "sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves and we're afraid of success and being successful." That's exactly what it was.

But I didn't know that until just recently. I even had a few people tell me they thought I was sabotaging myself way back then. I quickly brushed them off. No way would I EVER intentionally sabotage myself.

But you know? I am worth it. I totally am.

You are too.

We're both worth it. We both deserve to be a thinner, happier version of ourselves. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's not prideful. It's not self-centered. It's being happy with the body God gave us. We're the ones who added all those fat layers onto our bodies. So to shed those layers is really just unveiling the me, and the you, who we really are on the inside. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I had convinced myself that I was happy being fat. My husband loved me the size I was. My family loved me for who I was no matter what I looked like. But really, it matters what I think about myself. I felt "full" in my old fat suit. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed crying because I couldn't fit into my newly bought size 26/28 clothes.

Now, I'm in a size 12!! I haven't been in a size 12 since before my daughter was born. And she just turned 20. I'm so happy. I'm so proud of myself. I've done it. Me. I've lost 100 pounds.

And I'm worthy of this great accomplishment!

I DID IT!!! I LOST 100 LBS!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE LOST
100 LBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it!!!

I lost 5.4 pounds this past week. I weighed in at exactly 165 pounds. So I've lost a total of 100.2 pounds.

I can't believe it!!!

I actually... finally... did it!!

Here's the start I got when I logged my weight in on WeightWatchers.com this morning:

Isn't it beautiful?!?!?!?!

This is what I got when I first logged my weigh in. I thought it was so cool that they made a big deal about the 100 pounds. Maybe that happens every week, I just never noticed it. You like the way it warns me about losing too much too fast? Pretty smart, actually.

Here's my milestones so far:

And here's my total weight loss chart. From the beginning:

When I stepped on the scale and I first heard her say I'd lost 100 pounds, I screamed and whooped so loud! There weren't very many people there yet, only a couple, but I let it lose. I jumped up and down screaming and hugged my husband. He was standing right next to me. He's quit Weight Watchers, but he's switched to counting calories and it's working beautifully for him. But he came because he knew I was going to do it. And I did!

It was so cool at weigh in. The two ladies that weigh people in (Barb and Kathy) both came out from around the counter and hugged me. And my leader said some really sweet things about me during my meeting. He got me choked up at what he said. It was so nice to hear how happy he was for me.

I got 3 paper clips, too!!!

Woot!

I got a 100lb magnet!

Woo hoo!

I got a 100lb keychain charm!

Yee haw!!

AND, I got a 5 pound star!!

Sweet!!!

I'm loaded right now!! These are my keychain charms. There's a 16-weeks, a 25 pound, 50 pound, and 100 pound.

These are my magnets:


I set my next goal for 10 more pounds. I originally wanted to lose 130 pounds altogether so I can say I'm "half assed" (that I've lost half my body weight), but it's taken me so long and it's been so hard to lose these 100 pounds, I don't want to try for another 30 pounds right now. That'll be my ultimate goal that I'll reach someday. But for now, I'm making 155 my goal weight.

Whew! I can't believe it did it!!

Why can't I see what's in front of me?

I was listening to a new CD today and found a song that had lyrics that really spoke to me. These lyrics really reiterated my life over the past 6 months. Check this out:

I see the door that I can't open.
Adding locks from time to time.
When it opens something blocks me.
And I'm asking myself why.

Did I take the steps I wanted?
Was it just a state of mind?
I feel sorry for myself every time I close my eyes.
And I fall into a hole and I can take no more.

Why can't I see what's in front of me?

What's behind the door, I wonder.
Must be brighter than my past.
Will I feel a little different when I take myself across?
Was it really worth the journey; was it just a foolish task?

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense to you guys, but to me, it really speaks my soul. I've been standing at this door wondering what's in front of me for so many months. The "door" being my 100-pound goal. I've been seeing this door, wanting to open it, but instead, I keep adding locks to it, making it harder to open. (I see the door that I can't open. Adding locks from time to time.)

Then on those few chances that I could actually open the door (maybe lost a pound or two) I'd find that something had blocked my entrance through the door (maybe I gained a pound or two). (When it opens something blocks me.) And I'd ask my self "Why?". And I'd question myself. What did I do wrong? (Did I take the steps I wanted? Was it just a state of mind?) I know I must have done this to myself. I sabotaged myself.

Then I'd start to ask "why me". Why can't I just lose this darn weight? (I feel sorry for myself every time I close my eyes.) My contemplation of my situation just made me feel more and more inadequate and further and further away from my goal.

Then I would wallow in my self-pity and self-doubt. (And I fall into a hole and I can take no more.) Wondering if I'd ever make it to my 100 pound goal?

Would I ever make it? (Why can't I see what's in front of me?)

I never gave up, though, because I know what's on the other side of the door. Victory. (What's behind the door, I wonder. Must be brighter than my past.) It's gonna be great when I can finally reach that goal, right?

But all the while wondering if it was all worth it. Should I give up. Should I say "I've achieved" and be done with it? (Will I feel a little different when I take myself across? Was it really worth the journey; was it just a foolish task?)

You know what? This song really speaks to the way I used to be. The feelings I used to have. I'm no longer in that place. My 100-pound goal is just that. A goal. A goal is something you set in front of you and you use as a destination. A place to keep your eye focused on so as to have a path to go down. To keep things level and make sense.

But a goal shouldn't be something that consumes your every thought. Your every waking moment. Constantly bombarding your brain with things like "will I ever reach my goal?" "can I even reach that goal?" or even "who needs a goal anyway?".

I'm just coming to terms with this. That my goal should be just that. Something I focus my eye on to keep me on the right path. My goal will no longer rule my life. The thing about a goal is that it'll always be there. At least until it's reached. And until it's reached, I'll keep my eye on it. But not so much that it ruins my life.

After all, I've lost 96 pounds over the past 2 years. Yea me!!

I feel so much better being able to put this "goal" in its place.

--

On a slightly different note, WW has changed their Weight Tracker and I LOVE it!!

One of the new features is that you can put in a date range and it'll tell you how much you've lost (or gained) over that range.

Wanna hear something sad?

I punched in from the beginning of September (08) to now and you know how much I've lost since then?

7.2 pounds.

That's so sad.

7 MONTHS.

7 POUNDS.

That's sad.

But you know what. I'm okay with that. Really I am. A few weeks ago, I would have thrown my hands up in the air and said heck with it. But now, I'm really fine with it. I'll lose the weight when I lose the weight and not one minute sooner. No more pressure. No more stress. Just keep doing what I'm doing and enjoy life.

Right?

.

One day at a time, sweet Jesus...

First of all, thank you guys so much for your encouraging comments. What would I do without you??

Jinxxxgirl's comment, I know, I have a tendency to push myself too hard. I figure, I can do it, no biggie. Mind over matter type of thing. So I've been taking it a little easier lately. Well, last week I didn't exercise at all, so that doesn't count. And I was going to get up Sunday morning and do a 10K loop around the neighborhood but I didn't. That's probably because of exactly what you said. It was too overwhelming and I just didn't feel like busting my butt doing it.

Kelly's comment, I know, look how far I've come. I sometimes forget about that. I just look at my "fluffy" overweight self and wish I was skinny. I forget the fluffiness used to be horribly poochie and bulgie. I need to acknowledge that more often.

IRJessica's comment, thanks for the encouragement about the calorie burn. I've done alot of research about it lately and I know my burn amounts are okay. For me that is. And besides that, all bodies are different. There is an average in there somewhere for everything, but you just have to see what works for you/me and go with it.

Jenn's comment, have you considered raising your goal weight by a few pounds? If you try sticking to your points for a while but the weight still doesn't come off you might try that. David's mom had to do that. She got down to her goal and then tried everything to stay there but she just couldn't after months and months of trying she finally raised her goal weight by 5 pounds and from then on she didn't have any problem staying at goal and getting free WW meetings.

Lauri's comment, I know, I "technically" have lost 100 pounds, but it was the WW goal that I'm really gunning for. I think I just need to take my eyes off the ominous 100 pound mark and just start focusing on losing. Not how much, but just that there's a loss. I've been tempted to change my mind set to say that I've already hit my 100 pound goal (when, I know, technically I have) but it would just feel like cheating right now. Just because I've been focused on the 100 WW goal for so long.

MizFit comment, you're so right. One day at a time. That's where I need to keep my focus. Today, watch what I eat, exercise and forget about yesterday or tomorrow. That's probably what I need to focus in on more than anything else. How did I do today?

That being said, I went running last night. I went my regular 3.5 mile route. I actually had to walk the last half mile or so. But I'm fine with that. I went running and that's what counts the most. I burned 932 calories! I think most of it was during the 1st mile. I couldn't get my heart rate to slow down. It started out around 160 and went between 165 and 175 for the first mile or so. I tried slowing my pace and taking deep breaths and even walked for a few seconds then ran for a few minutes to try and slow it down. Finally it did, though. After that it stayed between 145-155--perfect!

One day at a time. I can do this. I will do this. What did I do today to help me lose weight? Focus on the present. The future will take care of itself, right?

.

Weigh in... Hating it!

Okay, I'm tired of playing this game.

I want the ride to stop. I'm ready to get off.

I gained 2.6 pounds this week.

:|

I'm just so disgusted!

I was only 3.2 pounds away from 100 pounds lost and now... Now... Now, I'm back up to 5.8 pounds from the 100 pound mark.

I'm back to 6 pounds away from 100.

I've been 6 pounds away from a hundred since September. Would you believe, since September 27th, I've lost 27 pounds. AND GAINED 27 POUNDS.

Why do I keep doing this to myself??

I was sitting at breakfast this morning with my husband. We normally go out to breakfast on Sunday mornings before church at this Jewish deli a few blocks from our house (very cheap food and very good food). So I had just ordered my breakfast, which is usually an egg white veggie omelet with oatmeal and fruit, when he asked me what I was doing? I had just ordered the western skillet.

Here goes... it was potato pancakes on the bottom, scrambled eggs with onions, peppers and ham topped with cheddar cheese, tomatoes and scallions baked in a casserole dish. It was amazing!

So he asks me what I'm doing. I don't even know what I'm doing. I just know that I'm so mad at the weight I've gained that I just wanted to eat what I wanted to eat. I didn't want healthy, low fat egg whites (although normally, I thoroughly enjoy them). I just wanted something fatty and rich and cheesy.

He said, Cara, you're doing it again. You're so close to the 100 pounds again and you're sabotaging yourself. Again!

He was right. I agreed with him. I had already identified this pattern in my life. They say that have of the solution is realizing the problem. But the problem is, that's only half the solution. There's still another half out there waiting to be solved.

When will I solve it?

I'm so mad at myself for eating that horribly, delicious breakfast. I'm also very mad at myself for eating the cheeseburger with hand made potato chips yesterday for lunch (along with a bunch of peanuts and one and a half yeast rolls). Then I had a huge Hamentashen cookie (from the same Jewish deli). And the cinnamon scone I had with my bowl of vegetable soup last night for dinner. After all, veggie soup is good for you, right? And to top it all off, I had probably 10 fresh baked chocolate chip cookies last night just before bed while playing video games with my daughter.

"I'm as mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this any more!" (for those "Network" fans out there—one of my favorite movies of all time).

Well, this is what I SHOULD be saying, right?

I have to figure this out. I just don't know how to. Or maybe I know how to, but I'm just not doing it. I mean, I do know WHY I'm sabotaging myself. I get it. I don't like it either.

I CAN do this. I CAN reach my 100 pound weight loss. I CAN!

So it starts right now. No more indulgences. Small one's, yes. Small indulgences are completely acceptable and completely necessary. Big one's aren't.

To be honest with you, the real reason I gained last week was because I didn't exercise once. I stayed within my 21 points every day. Every day, even Saturday and Sunday. I drank my 3 bottles of water each day. I ate balanced meals, dairy, fiber, oils, protein, etc. Everything Weight Watchers tells you to eat. I did it all.

But I didn't exercise and that's why I gained.

So this week. I exercise.

Starting today. I was going to go running before church but it was raining (though that was not the real reason I didn't get out of bed, but it was a great excuse!).

But this evening, I'm going running and I'm going to run every night this week. Even if its just for 20 minutes (though hopefully I'll be able to go for at least an hour each night).

I gotta stop doing this to myself. I can do this. I can reach this interim goal. I can!

.

What a great week...

We couldn't stay for the WW meeting this morning because hubby was sick. But we did both weigh in.

I lost 4.6 pounds!

Wow, huh?!!

My new mind set is really paying off. I'm totally looking at food differently. It's really an attitude change. I don't feel guilty for eating something I shouldn't. Or feel like I have to sneak to indulge. I feel really good about myself whether I eat good or bad.

I tracked everything I ate last week. You'll be shocked to learn that I went over my points each day. Check this out... Here was my daily points for last week:

Sat: 43
Sun: 32
Mon: 24
Tues: 29
Wed: 33.5
Thurs: 24
Fri: 23

I'm only supposed to have 21 points a day.

I only earned 16 activity points throughout the week. I ran on Sunday and Monday but that was it. So overall, I went WAY over on my points.

I did drink all my water. I had 3 bottles each day and two days in there I drank 4 bottles (72 to 96 ounces).

I think the biggest change, though, was my attitude. I felt confident in what I was eating. I ONLY ate when I was hungry. When I ate, I made extremely smart choices. When I indulged, I compensated by eating very low calorie meal(s) afterwards.

Most importantly, your comments on my last two blog posts were so encouraging. I am so happy that I can play even a small part in anyone else's weight loss journey. That was the main reason I started this blog, by the way, was to try and help someone else to do what I've done. More often, though, this blog becomes about you guys helping me stay motivated and inspired to keep going.

By the way, this is my 200 blog post!! :]

I had two tough days last week. Tuesday we had a birthday lunch at work and they all voted to go to a Chinese buffet. And of course, the one they chose to go to was my absolute FAVORITE Chinese restaurant. Which, by the way, I have not gone to since before I started WW. I've intentionally stayed away from it because it's a HUGE red flag restaurant for me. I did great, though. I filled up on fruit and salad and sushi (which is very low in calories and fat). I only had 3 pieces of Rangoon (fried pieces of won ton wrappers filled with crab and cream cheese), which is my total weakness. I used to have maybe 20 or sometimes 30 pieces of Rangoon when I went there. I decided to eat some while I was there, though, just to see how I can eat my red flag food and still be in total control. I thoroughly enjoyed it and didn't want more.

Then yesterday was scripted to be a bad day for me--I went to the local prayer breakfast and it didn't even hit me until the night before that I wouldn't be able to eat anything they served. I was supposed to eat breakfast before I left, so I wouldn't eat anything there, but I overslept and had to eat what they served, which was scrambled eggs, 2 sausage links, roasted potatoes and fruit with OJ. I asked for water to drink instead and I ate the fruit as well as the fruit from the empty seat next to me and one bite of eggs and both of the roasted potatoes (no oil or butter on them). Then at lunch time was a wedding shower at work which was pot luck. Ugh!! The dreaded pot luck. Well, luckily someone (thank you) brought roasted chicken breasts and there was also spinach salad (yes!). I had one deviled egg and maybe 10-15 Tostito's chips. I did great the whole day!

So all in all, I had a very successful week. From my "discovering" what my weight loss "problems" have been, to making great food choices, to drinking all my water.

I'm now below 170!

Check out my new Healthy You Challenge badge over to the right. It says 95 pounds again. I've now lost a total of 96 pounds (again). I don't ever want to see the 170s again. I'm now only 4 pounds away from 100 pounds. I think I actually might do it this time.

Oh, and next Saturday is my first 10K. I'm getting very excited. I'm not nervous. I know I can do it. I'm so excited though. I'm going to run 10K tomorrow morning around the neighborhood just to make sure I can do it. Then throughout the week, I'll stick to 5K routes with hubby.

.

THREE WEEKS IN A ROW!!!!!

Well, I did it! Three weeks in a row I've pulled a loss!

I was down one whole pound this week!

I'm so glad my brain and my body are starting to work together again.

I'm now at 171.8 lbs.

The first time I hit 171.8 was on Sept. 13 of last year. That's FIVE MONTHS down the crapper. Five months of trying to get back to that point. The lowest I've ever been was 167.8 back on Dec. 13th. So I was able to make it lower than I am now, but now I have to lose those pounds all over again.

So I've got 4 pounds to go to get back down to the lowest I've ever been and I've got 6.6 pounds to go to reach my ominous goal of 100 pounds lost. I can't believe I was only 2.6 pounds away from 100. Ugh! Total sabotage!

Can you believe I've been trying to reach my 100 pound goal since July 19th last year? I started my 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge back then because I was only 18 pounds away from 100 pounds. Then all heck broke loose just before Thanksgiving and I've been trying to regain my weigh loss ever since.

A friend at work, Wendy, told me a cool thing she does with her weight loss log. She'll highlight her losses with a green highlighter and her gains with a red one. The idea is to see more greens than reds, obviously, but it's a great graphical representation of how you're doing on an on-going basis.

So I sat down and did that today. (I don't have a red highlighter so I used orange.) Since I started the challenge, I've had a loss 18 times and a gain 13 times. So at least I'm losing more times than I'm gaining, but not by much. Really, it looks like there's just as many green as there is orange.

Well, at least there are 3 greens in a row for now. I'm going to try for 4 in a row. I'm taking this one day at a time, one week at a time.

I thought I'd try something different this weekend and try to stick to my 22 points each day. Usually, I've used my 22 points for Saturday and Sunday plus all 35 flex point by Sunday night. So far so good. I'll let you know how it works out.

Oh, and I think my next running challenge is going to be a 10K. Okay, I know what you're thinking, 'Good grief, Cara, you just ran your first 5K, isn't a 10K a little ambitious?' Well, yes, it is. But I still want to try it. I truly think I can do it. There's one coming up on March 14th—4 weeks away.

I figured my first step towards seeing if I can do this is to try and run the distance around the neighborhood. So I just finished mapping my route. I think I'll try it tomorrow morning. I suspect it'll take me an hour and a half to do being as the 5K took me 45 minutes. But we'll see.

I'll let you know if I do it or not. Tomorrow morning would really be my only chance until next weekend. I could get up early and try it one morning this week, but I'm still not 100% comfortable running around the neighborhood in the dark. I know I used to do it all the time. Heck, I've been running and walking outside in the dark since I started Weight Watchers almost 2 years ago. But I've been spooked lately. So better go with my gut, right?

So here's to another week of weight loss. Whew! I still can't believe—3 weeks in a row. Hopefully 4 weeks will be in the near future.

P.S. if you have a minute, you should go check out my sister-in-law's new blog. She just started it a couple of weeks ago. Stop by and tell her hi for me, would you? http://lauri-hereigo.blogspot.com.

.

One year... 30 Pounds... Auld lang syne, my dear...

Well, 2008 is just about gone. Probably by the time you guys are reading this, it'll be next year.

I started this year at 208 pounds.

Wow. :|

I can't believe that. 8|

208??!!

That seems like a lifetime ago.

208 just sounds to big! Hard to believe that's what I weighed 12 months ago.

I'm 30 pounds lighter than I was a year ago. If you would have told me one year ago I'd be 30 pounds lighter today, I would have laughed in your face and said "Yea, right, maybe 75 pounds lighter! but definitely not just 30 pounds!" I probably would have said "Psh! I could do 30 pounds without even trying!"

Man, was that a lifetime ago. I've gained and lost the same pounds so many times this year it's hard to even conceive of it. I've exercised my butt off and deprived myself and sacrificed all of the things I love in life (my precious food). But looking back on it all, now, I think it was all worth it. I'm losing it so slowly, surely I'll be able to keep it off forever. If I'd lost it quick, I'd be much more likely to gain it back (and then some) right? Well, that's what they say anyways.

I'm realistic now. 30 pounds is HUGE! I had no idea I would have this much trouble losing 30 pounds. I was flying through the pounds when I first started WW. Why it only took me 7 months (my first 7 months on WW) to lose almost 60 pounds. Now, I've only lost half that amount in almost double the amount of time. I sure hope I can lose 30 pounds in 2009.

I figure that's an average of a half a pound a week, right? That's not bad. Actually, I think I would be tickled pink if I could consistently lose a half a pound each week. Wouldn't you?

Auld Lang Syne... Do you know what that phrase really means? According to Wikipedia, "auld lang syne" literally means "old long since", but a more common English translation would be something like "long long ago", "days of long ago", "in olden days", or even "once upon a time".

So here's to those lost 30 pounds. Long, long ago I was 30 pounds heavier. Days of long ago found me 30 pounds more than what I am now. Once upon a time I was 30 pounds larger.

And here's to 2009 and a year-long goal of losing a half a pound each week.

What about you? How many pounds did you take off in 2008?

.

Counting points is tough...

Well, since I completely blew all of my goal points from last week—and when I say "blew" what I really mean is completely obliterated! I've decided to give it my all this week and try those goals once again.

Although, I think I'm going to take another look at those goals and re-write them a bit:

• High intensity workout, 3 times
• Walk for 30 minutes 7 days
• Stay within my daily points
  
• Apple or almonds (or something high in fiber) for morning, afternoon, and evening snacks
• 64 to 80 ounces of water a day (8-10 cups)
  
• No eating after 8pm. Period!

So far, I'm not doing too bad, but I'm not doing that great, either. I'm not eating after 8. I'm drinking my water. I'm having the healthy snacks. I'm walking every evening. But I've only done 1 high intensity workout this week.

And, for the life of me, I can't figure out how to stay under 21 points of food each day. Like, here's what I had today (and this is typical, though I'm eating different foods each day):

• Breakfast: Kashi Go Lean cereal with low fat soy milk (3 points)
• Snack: Small apple
  
• Lunch: Peanut butter & Banana sandwich (reduced fat peanut butter (2 tbspns), small banana, 1/2 tbspn honey, 2 slices of whole grain wheat bread (7 points)
• Snack: Nabisco NutriGrain Sour Cream & Onion Thins (2 points)
• Dinner: Smart One's Lasagna, steamed corn, tbspn butter (10 points)
• Snack: 2 reduced fat banana muffins (home recipe) (2 points)

24 Points Total

Okay, so if I would have done without the butter at dinner, I could have shaved 3 points off my day. But plain, dry, steamed corn is just nasty. I don't have any reduced fat butter in the house. I could have probably shaved 2 points off if I'd had that in the house.

But seriously, I'm hungry all day.

And this is how my days have been going this week. Eat very little, count points, go hungry, try to ignore hunger pangs. Ugh!

I didn't exercise this morning but I went running tonight.

It was a bittersweet victory...

I found some motivation from Jason's blog. He's a runner who's lost 130 pounds by running (and WW). I love biking and running, but they both kick my butt! But he left me a note that said to take it slow. So I started out tonight taking it slow. My goal was to go around the block twice—3/4 mile. So I started out jogging. My heart rate got up to about 178-179 and stayed there the whole time I was jogging. I didn't want to run. I wanted this to be as slow as possible.

I made it 2 laps around!!

Then I went for 3.

I made it 3 laps around!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Then I thought, what the heck, lets try for 4 laps.

I made it FOUR LAPS AROUND!!!!!

Man, I couldn't believe it!! The last lap was really a cross between speed walking and jogging. I was breathing deep and trying to stay calm. But I did it. I ran (well, jogged) for ONE AND A HALF MILES!

That's almost a 3K (about 2.5K).

I walked for 5 minutes before and after my four non-stop laps of jogging.

Then I came in and read the amount of calories I burned, which I really thought was going to be like a thousand or something, and I had burned a measly 321 calories.

What!!!!?????

I burn 300 calories walking for an hour with the girls in the morning!!

I can't believe I only burned 321 calories.

Oh, well, I got 4 activity points out of it. Better than nothing, right.

At least I can say, proudly now, that I've actually ran around my block 4 times without stopping.

.