I was listening to a new CD today and found a song that had lyrics that really spoke to me. These lyrics really reiterated my life over the past 6 months. Check this out:
I see the door that I can't open.
Adding locks from time to time.
When it opens something blocks me.
And I'm asking myself why.
Did I take the steps I wanted?
Was it just a state of mind?
I feel sorry for myself every time I close my eyes.
And I fall into a hole and I can take no more.
Why can't I see what's in front of me?
What's behind the door, I wonder.
Must be brighter than my past.
Will I feel a little different when I take myself across?
Was it really worth the journey; was it just a foolish task?
I'm not sure if any of that makes sense to you guys, but to me, it really speaks my soul. I've been standing at this door wondering what's in front of me for so many months. The "door" being my 100-pound goal. I've been seeing this door, wanting to open it, but instead, I keep adding locks to it, making it harder to open. (I see the door that I can't open. Adding locks from time to time.)
Then on those few chances that I could actually open the door (maybe lost a pound or two) I'd find that something had blocked my entrance through the door (maybe I gained a pound or two). (When it opens something blocks me.) And I'd ask my self "Why?". And I'd question myself. What did I do wrong? (Did I take the steps I wanted? Was it just a state of mind?) I know I must have done this to myself. I sabotaged myself.
Then I'd start to ask "why me". Why can't I just lose this darn weight? (I feel sorry for myself every time I close my eyes.) My contemplation of my situation just made me feel more and more inadequate and further and further away from my goal.
Then I would wallow in my self-pity and self-doubt. (And I fall into a hole and I can take no more.) Wondering if I'd ever make it to my 100 pound goal?
Would I ever make it? (Why can't I see what's in front of me?)
I never gave up, though, because I know what's on the other side of the door. Victory. (What's behind the door, I wonder. Must be brighter than my past.) It's gonna be great when I can finally reach that goal, right?
But all the while wondering if it was all worth it. Should I give up. Should I say "I've achieved" and be done with it? (Will I feel a little different when I take myself across? Was it really worth the journey; was it just a foolish task?)
You know what? This song really speaks to the way I used to be. The feelings I used to have. I'm no longer in that place. My 100-pound goal is just that. A goal. A goal is something you set in front of you and you use as a destination. A place to keep your eye focused on so as to have a path to go down. To keep things level and make sense.
But a goal shouldn't be something that consumes your every thought. Your every waking moment. Constantly bombarding your brain with things like "will I ever reach my goal?" "can I even reach that goal?" or even "who needs a goal anyway?".
I'm just coming to terms with this. That my goal should be just that. Something I focus my eye on to keep me on the right path. My goal will no longer rule my life. The thing about a goal is that it'll always be there. At least until it's reached. And until it's reached, I'll keep my eye on it. But not so much that it ruins my life.
After all, I've lost 96 pounds over the past 2 years. Yea me!!
I feel so much better being able to put this "goal" in its place.
On a slightly different note, WW has changed their Weight Tracker and I LOVE it!!
One of the new features is that you can put in a date range and it'll tell you how much you've lost (or gained) over that range.
Wanna hear something sad?
I punched in from the beginning of September (08) to now and you know how much I've lost since then?
That's so sad.
But you know what. I'm okay with that. Really I am. A few weeks ago, I would have thrown my hands up in the air and said heck with it. But now, I'm really fine with it. I'll lose the weight when I lose the weight and not one minute sooner. No more pressure. No more stress. Just keep doing what I'm doing and enjoy life.