Monday, March 5, 2012


That... how much I weigh, now.

I have put it off, and put it off, and put it off, but I think I need to start doing something about that number today or that number will be right back up to 275 in a heartbeat. Actually, going at this rate, I'll be back up to 275 by Christmas.

If I did my math right, I've gained a total of 35 pounds since my last blog post in September.

I have to say this about that, though, I don't feel that bad (physically) about the extra poundage. I mean, my cloths are tight and I'm a bit uncomfortable in my jeans, but overall, I don't feel horrible. I don't feel as bad as I thought I would.

But I know if I don't stop eating whatever I want, all my hard earned weight loss efforts will be for nothing. It took me 4 years to lose 100 pounds. I've successfully (gulp) gained back 50 of those pounds over the past two years. And I will not gain another 50 pounds!

Why does weight loss have to be so horribly hard?!

That phrase, I think, will be my epitaph.

Well, I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here. What path I'll take. What my plan of attack will be. But I just wanted to blog about that number.

And the journey continues...

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I like hummus... who knew?

Don't you love it when you find a new snack or type of food--that you love--and it's healthy?

I have discovered hummus.

It's funny how your tastes change over the years. A few years back, I would probably have thrown up if I had eaten hummus. I mean, it looks like baby food. Smells bitter and sour. And the texture, don't get me started!

But man it's really good!

And it's high in protein and fiber--bonus!

I've been eating it lately with pretzel flats. I swear I could eat a whole tub of the hummus in one sitting if I allowed myself. It's quickly becoming a red-light food. But as long as I can put the bowl down after only 13 pretzel flats, I think it'll be okay.

So I have a question for you... do you like hummus? Have you ever tried it? What do you like to eat it on or with? I need more ideas of how to eat this stuff!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Why does it all have to be so hard...

I have really been so reluctant to post anything new on my weight loss blog lately.

Mostly I keep thinking that I've got nothing to post. But at the same time, I'm wrestling with so many things and then I can't figure out why I wouldn't want to blog, to get it all out there and get help through all of this.

So, here I am again. Blogging about my pathetic attempts at weight loss.

Since the last time I blogged, I've gained almost 10 pounds.

What ... the ... heck ... is ... wrong ... with ... me?!?!

Remember that wonderful book I was telling you about not too long ago? And the class that goes along with the book? Well, it seemed to be helping me. I mean, it was all making so much sense. I was finally starting to get a grasp on the whole concept of God helping me to lose weight. But then I stopped reading the book and I missed the last two meetings of the class.

Yup. That's me. Get all fired up about something, then lose interest in it and wonder why nothing ever changes.

On top of all that, I feel so out of control with my eating. I want to eat absolutely everything in sight. As I'm finishing eating one meal, I'm already planning the next meal or snack. It's consuming my every thought. I even had a nightmare the other night where I was at a convention with about 50 other people and I was the last one in line to get food from the buffet. By the time I got there, all the food was gone. I went into a panic. I kept searching and searching for food to be somewhere. Hidden somewhere that no one knew about. I couldn't find any.

And then tonight, my husband wanted to go to Panera to sit in a quite place and work on his website. So I brought my lap top along to keep me occupied. First thing I wanted to do when we walked through the door is order a pastry. I actually bargained and pleaded with David. Bless his heart, he kept telling me no, I didn't need it. He even tried reasoning with me and said if he let me get something would I regret it afterwards. I said assuredly, NO, I would not regret it. Truth be told, no, I would not feel a bit guilty after I was done eating the treat. I usually don't.

I almost had him talked into it when he said, okay, you can have something but if you do I get one too. Well, that did it for me. He's gained almost all of his weight back to square one and he wants to get it all off. He was so good today, too. Very sensible breakfast and lunch and for dinner, he didn't go back for seconds. No way was I going to let him ruin it all by a stupid little pastry.

But I tell you, if it hadn't been for that I seriously would have had a pastry and would not have felt one ounce of guilt or remorse.

My attitude lately is... I want to eat it, so I will, and I won't feel bad about eating it at all. Most times I feel so satisfied and complete and it isn't until I go to put on my size 16 jeans (which I had to pull out of the fat box because my 10s and 12s are ridiculously too small) that are getting too tight that I hate myself.

It's like I'm at war but I can't see the enemy and I don't know how to fight him.

How will I ever win the battle? Much less the war?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

"Dear God, Please help me lose weight..."

The second week of the "Made to Crave" class was nice. I'm still not connecting with the other ladies at my table, though. I'm thinking of switching tables next week. I don't want to be rude to the ladies I'm with now. It's just frustrating me. Or maybe it's not them, maybe it's me. (In case I didn't mention it, the format of the class is a 20-minute DVD from the author then we break into small groups and go over the discussion topics in the study companion book.)

So last Thursday, I mentioned my feelings, to everyone, about how I find it so foreign to ask God to help me lose weight. My prayer sounds so shallow to me: "Dear God, I know there are children in my country who are being bought and sold into sexual slavery, I know there are elderly who are being abused and tortured by their caregivers, and I know there are serial killers out there right now preying on their unsuspecting victims, but if you wouldn't mind, could you help me lose a pound this week?"

I'm just not getting it.

I didn't put it quite like that in the class, but I did tell them that I just am not comfortable asking God to help me lose weight and they came back with the standard answers (answers I'd probably give to someone who said what I said)--"Our body is the temple of God and we need to take care of it" ... "We need to take EVERYTHING to God, not matter how trivial we might think it is."

But here's the thing. I already take everything to God, no matter how big or small. And as for the temple of God thing, I think this temple is pretty healthy already. I don't have any health issues. I can participate in just about any sporting event I want to and feel good doing it. I'm only 30-50 pounds overweight, I'm no longer obese. In my opinion, this temple doesn't need much attending to in order for it to be a great place for Him to dwell.

Which brings me to my point: I feel like if I ask God to help me lose weight, it's a superficial request. His temple is in great shape. By most standards, I'm the epitome of health. I just don't like the way I look and feel in my clothes. I don't like looking down and seeing flabby, dimpled thighs staring back up at me. I don't like the squishy fat I have clinging to my sides like a half deflated intertube. I don't like that I'm a size 14/16, I want to be a size 10.

These things all feel so superficial to me. Not godly or holy requests.

I don't know how to get past this.

I know, "pray about it," you say. Well, I am. I just haven't found clarity on the subject yet.

Do you guys have any advice for me?

Friday, July 1, 2011

I know how to lose weigh, now why can't I stop eating...

I think that should be the name of my first book. People keep telling me I should write a book. Sometimes I feel like I already have... here on my blog.

This week was the first week of a new study at my church on the book I was telling you guys about--Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst. It was very interesting. The idea is to turn our focus off of food and onto God.

I SO need to do that! All I can think about lately is food. All day long. In the middle of typing an email, I think of a restaurant we used to go to in Alaska called Sullivans and think about all the wonderful things we'd eat there. Out of the blue. It's been 10 years since we left Alaska. Why would I think about that?

I think about... no, let me rephrase that... I obsess over food every waking hour. And I don't know how to think about anything else.

I try not to, but that only makes me think of it more.

This is not helping my weight loss efforts one little bit.

This is how bad things have gotten. I haven't logged my weight into Weight Watchers online because if my weight is hidden away in a little cardboard weight log and not officially entered into a database, it can't really be all that bad, right?


I finally did it. I logged my weight for the first time since Feb 5th. ... I've gained 9.8 pounds.

On Aug 7th of last year, I weight 158.8---the lowest I'd ever been (in fact, the lowest I'd been since before my 22 year old daughter was born).

Now look at me. My official weigh in last Saturday was 179 lbs. I've gained 20 lbs over these 11 months.


Because I can't stop thinking about food.

I love absolutely everything about it. I love watching cooking shows. I love baking. I love cooking at home. I love going out to eat and trying foods I'd never cook at home. I love going to the grocery store and looking at all the different kinds of food there. I love... well, I really could go on and on and on. But suffice it to say, I think I'm a little obsessed.

So I'm really hoping this class will help me get a hold on things. See, I don't need to learn how to lose weight. Weight Watchers has taught me that. I could probably even be a leader and teach others how to lose weight (who knows, maybe some day I will). But that's not my problem. I know how to lose weight, I just don't know how to stop eating and obsessing over food.

In the class tonight, she quoted a doctor who said that there is definitely a way to lose weight, and if you follow healthy guidelines you'll lose weight. But when it comes to eating and enjoying eating, will power isn't enough. The doctor said will power will only take you so far but it won't help you achieve success. He recommended instead to look to a higher power for assistance.

Well, that's what I'm doing. Or at least I'm attempting to do. I think the basic plan for the book is to replace my thoughts about food with my thoughts about God. The tagline on the front of the book says "Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food".

I have no idea, though, how on earth I'm going to stop thinking about food.

In the class tonight, they broke us up into smaller "discussion" groups. I felt so disconnected from the other ladies at my table. None of them seemed to have the problem I have. They might be bored eaters or emotional eaters or maybe just don't know how to eat right. I felt so weird. Am I really the only one who thinks about food 24/7?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Is it normal to gain 4 pounds in a week?

Better yet, is it normal to gain 7 pounds in one weekend??

I tell you, I could gain those 100 pounds that I lost back SO SO easy. Without even thinking twice about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna. But for me, whenever I don't cut back on my eating, I will gain. I don't even have to overeat or go overboard. I can just eat regular food, regular portions and at regular meal times and boom I can gain 2 pounds a day.

What's up with that?

Last weekend I ate regular food both days. And by "regular" I mean, not "light" or "reduced fat" or half portions or anything like that. I just ate.

Come Monday morning, I'd gained 7 pounds.

What the heck!?

There was talk today in Weight Watchers about what to do after you reach goal. They say they adjust your daily points plus allowances to you stop losing weight and start maintaining.

Heck, I've been maintaining for so many years, now, I don't think I'll need to adjust my points when--OR IF--I ever in my lifetime reach goal.

At this point, I think it's a grand illusion to think that I'll every--EVER--reach goal.

Goal was a mere 3.5 pounds away last September. Now... goal is 20 pounds away!


I don't even know what to type next after that horrible realization.


I've been doing relatively good over the past couple of months. Steady going down. It just breaks my heart that I can have one frivolous weekend--not even an all and all out food fest or anything crazy like that--and gain as much as I did.

Luckily I was able to get 3 of those pounds off, but officially, I weighed in this morning posting a 4 pound gain.

I'm so disgusted.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Big savings at the grocery store...

I just had the yummiest dinner. Nothing fancy, just good ole American comfort food.

Cheeseburger (5pts)
Fried potatoes (6pts)
Fordhook Lima Beans (2pts)

All home made, of course, so I can control the points+. Sure, I coulda made a little better choice instead of the fried potatoes because they're a little high in points+, but I had to get my healthy oils in because I hadn't had any for the day. So I made the sacrifice and fried the potato. :)

I'm a little disappointed that lima beans aren't free points+. But I really love 'em. Especially Fordhook. Usually, I can't find them in the grocery store, but I lucked out. We shopped at Walmart this past weekend rather than Publix and Walmart carries Fordhook. SO much better than baby limas!

Speaking of grocery shopping, because hubby got laid off last month, we've taken up a new hobby--couponing! And this past weekend, we spent $100 on groceries and saved about $50 altogether.

Publix had a bunch of buy-one-get-one-free items and we had a bunch of coupons on top of the sale. I never knew you could do this, but did you know you can use two coupons on a B1G1F offer? I never knew you could use a coupon on a free item, but evidently you can! So we made out like a bandit.

Course we had to go to three different stores to catch all the deals. We even ate in between all the grocery madness and used coupons for lunch, too. Spent $11 and saved almost $7 with coupons.

Do you guys coupon? I watched "Extreme Couponing" on TLC last month and then just a few days later, my husband got laid off so it was perfect timing. Now I'm hooked up with several couponing websites and they send me email updates and even Tweets for hot deals. It's so much fun!

It's about turning a dire situation into a sport. (kinda)

I have no intentions of becoming a hoarder like the people we saw on the Extreme Couponing show, but if I can save 40-50% or more on my regular groceries, that'd be freaking awesome! We need the savings right now, too.

So, do you guys do couponing? Where do you find your favorite deals?

(If you're not sure what "couponing" is, here's a link that explains it fairly well.)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

How to get your family to eat healthy...

That is the question, right?

You've started on this new journey of eating healthy and losing weight and it's going great for you. You're losing weight. Feeling great. And so you naturally start looking at the one's closest to you and wanting the same great thing for them.

So... I ask... How do you get your family to eat healthy?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you right there. Is there really a sure-fire way to get your family to eat healthy? Oh, sure, there are plenty of tricks you can do to include healthy foods hidden inside the unhealthy-looking food. Like putting cauliflower in the blender and adding it to chili or spaghetti. This works for the little ones. They won't be able to tell that there's something healthy in there.

But what about the one's who are old enough to know that you're tricking them. The one's who will SWEAR they can taste a difference between chili made with turkey and chili made with lean ground beef. Sure, you can buy healthy snacks for them to choose from, but you can't force them to eat them. You can set "healthy traps" for them with the hopes that they'll get caught in them.

But what's the answer?

How do you get your grown children or your spouse to start eating healthy?

Well, I'll tell you, I don't have the answer for that. I wish I did. I wish it was as easy as appealing to their senses and kindly telling them that you love them and you want to see them live a long and healthy life, but let's face it, that's a conversation that'll almost never go as you think it will.

You can sit and think up all the right things to say and all of the kind words to use and all of the loving supportive things to encourage them along, but when it comes right down to it, the only way you're going to get your (older) family to eat healthy is if it's their idea. Just like it had to be YOUR idea for YOU to start losing weight, right?

I can't tell you how many times my husband so lovingly had that conversation with me. He said he would love me no matter what size I was. And I know for a fact that he TRULY meant that. But he wanted me to be a healthy weight for my sake, not for his. And I can't tell you how many times I told him that I didn't want to lose weight. I was happy the way I was. I didn't need to lose weight. I was healthy as a horse. No high blood pressure, no high blood sugar, no high cholesterol. And I had plenty of energy to do whatever I wanted.

But the fact was, I was almost 300 lbs. And even though I felt completely healthy, I was not. But no one was going to be able to convince me of that, until it became my idea. Were you like that too?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to encourage your family to eat healthy and lose the weight they really need to, I'm just saying that if you can't succeed in getting them to "see the light" don't be discouraged, just think back to the way you used to be. And know that it WILL dawn on them, JUST like it dawned on you. Be patient with them and be encouraging, and know that pushing them isn't always the most helpful.

And when they're ready, they know they can come to you because you've already gone down the road that's ahead of them. Just wait patiently for that day. It will come. I know it will.

Is anyone going through something this right now? Or in the past? How did you handle it?