Okay, I'm tired of playing this game.
I want the ride to stop. I'm ready to get off.
I gained 2.6 pounds this week.
I'm just so disgusted!
I was only 3.2 pounds away from 100 pounds lost and now... Now... Now, I'm back up to 5.8 pounds from the 100 pound mark.
I'm back to 6 pounds away from 100.
I've been 6 pounds away from a hundred since September. Would you believe, since September 27th, I've lost 27 pounds. AND GAINED 27 POUNDS.
Why do I keep doing this to myself??
I was sitting at breakfast this morning with my husband. We normally go out to breakfast on Sunday mornings before church at this Jewish deli a few blocks from our house (very cheap food and very good food). So I had just ordered my breakfast, which is usually an egg white veggie omelet with oatmeal and fruit, when he asked me what I was doing? I had just ordered the western skillet.
Here goes... it was potato pancakes on the bottom, scrambled eggs with onions, peppers and ham topped with cheddar cheese, tomatoes and scallions baked in a casserole dish. It was amazing!
So he asks me what I'm doing. I don't even know what I'm doing. I just know that I'm so mad at the weight I've gained that I just wanted to eat what I wanted to eat. I didn't want healthy, low fat egg whites (although normally, I thoroughly enjoy them). I just wanted something fatty and rich and cheesy.
He said, Cara, you're doing it again. You're so close to the 100 pounds again and you're sabotaging yourself. Again!
He was right. I agreed with him. I had already identified this pattern in my life. They say that have of the solution is realizing the problem. But the problem is, that's only half the solution. There's still another half out there waiting to be solved.
When will I solve it?
I'm so mad at myself for eating that horribly, delicious breakfast. I'm also very mad at myself for eating the cheeseburger with hand made potato chips yesterday for lunch (along with a bunch of peanuts and one and a half yeast rolls). Then I had a huge Hamentashen cookie (from the same Jewish deli). And the cinnamon scone I had with my bowl of vegetable soup last night for dinner. After all, veggie soup is good for you, right? And to top it all off, I had probably 10 fresh baked chocolate chip cookies last night just before bed while playing video games with my daughter.
"I'm as mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this any more!" (for those "Network" fans out there—one of my favorite movies of all time).
Well, this is what I SHOULD be saying, right?
I have to figure this out. I just don't know how to. Or maybe I know how to, but I'm just not doing it. I mean, I do know WHY I'm sabotaging myself. I get it. I don't like it either.
I CAN do this. I CAN reach my 100 pound weight loss. I CAN!
So it starts right now. No more indulgences. Small one's, yes. Small indulgences are completely acceptable and completely necessary. Big one's aren't.
To be honest with you, the real reason I gained last week was because I didn't exercise once. I stayed within my 21 points every day. Every day, even Saturday and Sunday. I drank my 3 bottles of water each day. I ate balanced meals, dairy, fiber, oils, protein, etc. Everything Weight Watchers tells you to eat. I did it all.
But I didn't exercise and that's why I gained.
So this week. I exercise.
Starting today. I was going to go running before church but it was raining (though that was not the real reason I didn't get out of bed, but it was a great excuse!).
But this evening, I'm going running and I'm going to run every night this week. Even if its just for 20 minutes (though hopefully I'll be able to go for at least an hour each night).
I gotta stop doing this to myself. I can do this. I can reach this interim goal. I can!