Sunday, March 29, 2009

Weigh in... Hating it!

Okay, I'm tired of playing this game.

I want the ride to stop. I'm ready to get off.

I gained 2.6 pounds this week.


I'm just so disgusted!

I was only 3.2 pounds away from 100 pounds lost and now... Now... Now, I'm back up to 5.8 pounds from the 100 pound mark.

I'm back to 6 pounds away from 100.

I've been 6 pounds away from a hundred since September. Would you believe, since September 27th, I've lost 27 pounds. AND GAINED 27 POUNDS.

Why do I keep doing this to myself??

I was sitting at breakfast this morning with my husband. We normally go out to breakfast on Sunday mornings before church at this Jewish deli a few blocks from our house (very cheap food and very good food). So I had just ordered my breakfast, which is usually an egg white veggie omelet with oatmeal and fruit, when he asked me what I was doing? I had just ordered the western skillet.

Here goes... it was potato pancakes on the bottom, scrambled eggs with onions, peppers and ham topped with cheddar cheese, tomatoes and scallions baked in a casserole dish. It was amazing!

So he asks me what I'm doing. I don't even know what I'm doing. I just know that I'm so mad at the weight I've gained that I just wanted to eat what I wanted to eat. I didn't want healthy, low fat egg whites (although normally, I thoroughly enjoy them). I just wanted something fatty and rich and cheesy.

He said, Cara, you're doing it again. You're so close to the 100 pounds again and you're sabotaging yourself. Again!

He was right. I agreed with him. I had already identified this pattern in my life. They say that have of the solution is realizing the problem. But the problem is, that's only half the solution. There's still another half out there waiting to be solved.

When will I solve it?

I'm so mad at myself for eating that horribly, delicious breakfast. I'm also very mad at myself for eating the cheeseburger with hand made potato chips yesterday for lunch (along with a bunch of peanuts and one and a half yeast rolls). Then I had a huge Hamentashen cookie (from the same Jewish deli). And the cinnamon scone I had with my bowl of vegetable soup last night for dinner. After all, veggie soup is good for you, right? And to top it all off, I had probably 10 fresh baked chocolate chip cookies last night just before bed while playing video games with my daughter.

"I'm as mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this any more!" (for those "Network" fans out there—one of my favorite movies of all time).

Well, this is what I SHOULD be saying, right?

I have to figure this out. I just don't know how to. Or maybe I know how to, but I'm just not doing it. I mean, I do know WHY I'm sabotaging myself. I get it. I don't like it either.

I CAN do this. I CAN reach my 100 pound weight loss. I CAN!

So it starts right now. No more indulgences. Small one's, yes. Small indulgences are completely acceptable and completely necessary. Big one's aren't.

To be honest with you, the real reason I gained last week was because I didn't exercise once. I stayed within my 21 points every day. Every day, even Saturday and Sunday. I drank my 3 bottles of water each day. I ate balanced meals, dairy, fiber, oils, protein, etc. Everything Weight Watchers tells you to eat. I did it all.

But I didn't exercise and that's why I gained.

So this week. I exercise.

Starting today. I was going to go running before church but it was raining (though that was not the real reason I didn't get out of bed, but it was a great excuse!).

But this evening, I'm going running and I'm going to run every night this week. Even if its just for 20 minutes (though hopefully I'll be able to go for at least an hour each night).

I gotta stop doing this to myself. I can do this. I can reach this interim goal. I can!



jinxxxygirl said...

You can do it Cara! You and i see things alot differently so i'm not sure if any advice i would give would apply. But , if, i was in your shoes this is what would probably be my problem and this is how i would fix it. Hee hee..
If i was shying away from exercise it would be because i was putting too much pressure on myself to exercise. Either time wise or distance wise. Who in the world wants to go out there and KILL themselves every day for an hour or even every other day. And that would be my pattern everytime i had quit in the past. Every run i would expect more and more and MORE from myself til i just didn't want to do it anymore. Hence the infamous Jinx two week diets. This time the deal with myself is i just half to get out there. If i'm not really in the mood then i tell myself 'okay just a nice slow three mile jog. ' But you know once i got OUT there i felt better and usually pushed harder. Do you feel like your not doing enough if you don't do the 10k distance? So if you dont feel like a 10k then you just don't do it? Sometimes we just have this incredible urge to just live like 'normal people'. You just have to remember how bad you want this. Treat that 100 pound mark just like any other number on the scale. Sometimes we get to feeling invincible. That we can do anything and it won't affect the scale. I mean look how far we've come. We're like super heroes. But we can't let it all go to our heads. We know how much work it took to get where we are. Just take a deep breath girl and hunker down. Tomorrow is Monday a great day for a new start. Maybe you need to look at it a different way......... Pretend tomorrow is the first day of your diet. Forget that you've lost 95 pounds. Just imagine you've always weighed the weight you do now and I forgot what your goal is but pretend you only have that much to lose. A fresh start with out all those months of weightloss already on your shoulder. Brand new. I don't know if any of that made sense. Its difficult to explain. I hope some part of it helps. Chin up girl! I weigh in a couple times a week on my scale but instead of official Friday weighin which i had done for a year i switched to an official monthly weigh in. So if i was up a little bit one week it wouldn't make me feel defeated. I truly believe your plan and your lifestyle has to change and evolve as you go thru this journey. What worked at the beginning may not work now in both the physical and mental capacity. I've had to change things up a few times along the way.
Just one more thought......have you thought about lowering your mileage, it would be less of a time commmittment. Maybe thats what your rebelling against. Do shorter, but higher quality running. Just a thought. Jinx!

Kelly said...

I am so impressed with your weight loss. So you have one little hiccup in the process. It's ok. you're moving on and fixing the problem. It was just a detour. Don't give up. Look at how far you've come!! Plus, people like me are counting on you for inspiration when times get rest for us. :) No pressure.

IRJessica said...

That weigh in is rotten, and I'm sorry. I know you are working very hard- and you can do it.

Sort of off topic- a few weeks ago I asked if you thought your calorie burn was accurate- and I know you weren't worried, but I asked my expert and she educated me! Haha. Your count is probably right one. So burn it up, and post some burn numbers that make me GREEN with envy. You can do it!

Jenn said...

Sorry you are struggling. I know what you mean though. Ever since I made goal in October, I haven't been able to get back there! I'm still 5 pounds away. I did make it back to my Dec 20th weight this week, but was actually up 1/2 lb for the month. I started tracking my points again this past week. That was my big problem. I wasn't keeping track of what I was eating and found I was exceeding my point quite a bit. I have been keeping consistent with my workouts though. I have been working out at least 3-4 times a week. If my kids are sick and I can't make it to the Y, I've recorded a few Cardio Blast shows off of FitTV to do at home. I want to get back to my goal weight by my birthday on the 15th. We can do this Cara! I want to start coming back to meetings more often so I can support you and Dave more and get the support I need. I just don't want to have to pay when I come. Miss you girl!

Lauri said...

Hey, Cara. Maybe you need a different perspective of this whole "100 pound" thing. I just scrolled back and on March 7 you wrote in a blog that you were under 170 pounds. Well, hello! I see your starting weight listed on your page as 275 pounds. Seems to me you have already lost your 100 pounds! Now, I know you are using your WW weight...but why? Why beat yourself up just because the first 10 pounds were not official through WW? They are still 10 pounds that you have lost. Give yourself that 100 pounds lost decal! I have been telling people all the time that you have already lost over 100 pounds, because you have! This other is just a detail for WW. If you ask me, you should be damn proud of yourself and celebrate your success. As you know, it's all a mental game, so change the game, change the mindset. Be are more than 100 pounds lighter than you once were. And that sure is major in my book!!

MizFit said...

Dont be mad at yourself, Cara.

All the negative energy will only serve to make you feel more crappy (the technical term :))----believe me as Ive been you.

Whats on tap for today?

Sandy said...

Goodness, did I write this I don't think so.. maybe I zoned out and signed into your blogger Cara, lol.

I so lived this the past week. I've been in a funk all week and know what you mean. I had to force myself to stop eating two cookies.

I was mad that I was overweight, mad that I have to watch what I eat, mad that when I reach a certain point I get off track, mad that I have to restrict myself from certain foods, mad that I have to exercise to see results. I could go on and on. It was shear will power that I didn't gain weight.

It does help knowing I'm not alone in these feelings. Sometimes it feels like I'm on an island, kwim?

Thank you for being honest and writing about it. You are an inspiration to me. I've lost 65 so far and am looking to be able to see 95 gone. Keep with it, you have done so great. I know you can do this!!!

Anonymous said...

Yes you can do it, but I have to agree with you that the ride is a crazy one. Very crazy. I know how you feel

Annalisa201 said...

You can do it! I did the same thing this week - lost 1.8lbs last week, gained 1.3 this week... all due to not enough exercise! It does make me want to give up. And your cheesy potato skillet sounds wonderfully delicious, but do you know what will feel better is being able to buy the skirt I was eying yesterday in a size 10, not 14. All in good time. I believe in you. I mean, you've come so far, just don't give in! We're here for ya!!! God Bless!