I wanted to continue talking about this weight loss "battle" that is going on in my head and not so much in my body.
First, I have to say that it's taken me months to realize that my lack of weight loss is really in my mind. Boy, I hate saying that out loud because I feel like I sound crazy--wacko! But I think back to November when I first started experiencing this and it all makes sense now.
We all have a subconscious, right? And our subconscious tells us things and makes us do things that we otherwise wouldn't normally be aware of. So why would my subconscious be sabotaging me? If anything, I think it would want to help me more than hurt me--to its benefit, right?
Maybe there's no answer to that. Or maybe there is, but I'm just not equipped to know the answer. But for me, just realizing that it's possible is really winning half the battle.
So here I sit, knowing that my mind has sabotaged me. Now what?
Well, I have to say, I think I'm getting a small handle on it.
I've already lost the 2 pounds I gained last week and I'm down another pound or so on top of that.
Sure, I've been exercising (though not as much as I'd want to) and I've been drinking all my water and tracking everything I eat, which I've said time and time again is what will help me lose weight. But other than my outward habits that are helping me, I'm developing an inner peace about this whole thing.
What I've needed to do for so long, but had no idea how to do, or even that I needed to do, was to stop and take a breath and know that I have the power to allow myself to lose weight and I have the right to be okay with that.
You know, in watching Biggest Loser last night, Jillian was picking on Laura telling her that she's making herself a victim. I was so mad at Jil for doing that. You could clearly see by Laura's reaction that she was totally giving 1000% percent to this weight loss journey and she was so appalled that someone would think otherwise.
But look at her teammates. Do you think for a minute they'd say out loud that Laura was the "weakest link" if there wasn't some sort of truth in that?? I know I wouldn't. No matter how much pressure I was getting from my outward voice of reason, my trainer. But yet they all agreed that Laura was weak.
I think I was, am, just as weak as Laura but I never knew it. I completely denied the notion that I could possibly be doing ANYTHING that would for a second intentionally sabotage my weight loss. But you know what? That's exactly what I did.
One of the receptionists at my WW meeting said that exact same thing to me months ago. I brushed it off. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!??? As hard as I've been trying and as much as I want to be at goal, do you actually think I'd intentionally do ANYTHING to hinder that drive.
But yet, I did.
Now that I can see that, I can deal with it. You know what they say, seeing the problem for what it really is is half the battle.
Now I just have to know this and then incorporate it into the front of my brain. I have to know that I have these tendencies and confront them for truly what they are.
Like Laura, I felt like the victim. I was doing EVERYTHING I could possibly do to lose weight--truthfully! And I really did feel like a victim. "Why is this happening to me?" "I know I did everything right, it must just be that my "body" wasn't cooperating with me." Those are statements of a victim.
Well, I'm not gonna be a victim any more. In fact, I never really was one. I just made myself believe I was because I didn't know what was going on.
Now as I sit here typing I'm feeling empowered and seeing clearly for the first time in many, many years.
God wants me to have a beautiful body. And God wants me to be happy with a beautiful body. Dare I say God wants me to be proud of my beautiful body? No, not in a prideful, boastful, sinful way, but in an honest and true sense of appreciation. I'm allowed that. God wants that for us. He sure was proud of the beautiful creation that he made, why shouldn't we be?
So now where do I go?
One day at a time. One meal at a time. I can see so clearly now in my head. I can do this. I can lose weight. I can be happy with the weight I've lost. I can be proud of the weight I've lost. I'm worth it.
I truly am.