Thursday, March 11, 2010

I've always been afraid that I would run out of food...

I'm heading down the same pathway I've traveled before. I recognize the trees and the houses along the side of the road. This route is so familiar to me, I could travel it blindfold.

But thank goodness the blindfolds are off.

All week, I've been having craving after craving. I've been thinking about a big, thick, juicy cheeseburger ... and my favorite snack, chips and dip ... and chocolate cake (which is weird, because I'm usually more of a vanilla cake type of person) ... and real macaroni & cheese ..., and onion rings ... and a baked potato with TONS of real sour cream and real butter ... and cupcake pops (if you've never heard of these before, check them out on my Facebook page, they're oh so yummy!) ... and donuts (yes, donuts again) ... and McDonald's sausage biscuit w/cheese & hash browns ... and real pancakes (not the healthy kind) with gobs of butter and syrup and powdered sugar ... and, well, I could go on and on but I think I'll stop for now.

Suffice it to say, I've had A LOT of cravings lately.

Why am I having these cravings?

Because I'm trying to sabotage myself again. I'm getting ever so close to a goal again and for some reason I have this "sabotage mechanism" that kicks in telling me that I can't do it. Telling me, "you're sacrificing too much, you need a reward."

The thing of it is, though, that I'm seeing clearly now for the first time and I am not really sacrificing. I'm not. Like tonight, I had a small plate of homemade spaghetti. And, because I knew it would haunt me if I didn't eat it, I had about 2 tablespoons of left over homemade mac & cheese from last night. I knew if I didn't eat it, it would be calling my name until I ate some of it.

So I'm doing this the right way, I'm allowing myself to have what I want, I'm just keeping it under control. Like, tonight, when I put the spaghetti on my plate, I piled it on. Because that's my sabotage mechanism kicking in. I was saying to myself, "go ahead, you've been good, indulge". Just when I was about to start eating, I looked at the plate and said "what are you doing?! you don't need that much spaghetti!!" And I was right, I would be completely satisfied with half that much. So I scooped half of it back in the pot and was completely satisfied with that much.

Speaking of being satisfied, I've really been focusing in on this lately. I'm so used to eating what I put on my plate, not matter how hungry I was. I'm used to piling it on and eating until it's gone. I've spent my entire life practicing that plan. But lately I've been asking myself why. And I'll be honest with you, I never thought I'd arrive at this place.

I mean, ever since I started Weight Watchers (almost 3 years ago), I've been at war with myself about the fact that I'll never be able to eat what I want and as much as I want for the rest of my life. I've cried about it and blogged about it. And honestly always thought it would be something I'd just have to live with.

But I'm just learning that I can still eat whatever I want, just not a ton of it, and I can still be happy. I remember when I first joined Weight Watcher and Ned said I could eat whatever I wanted on Weight Watchers. I thought to myself, at first, this is cool. But then after a year or so of not really eating what I wanted--or rather the amount of food I wanted--it started really ticking me off. I felt like I'd been bamboozled. Sure, I can eat anything I want, but I just can't have as much as I want. That doesn't sound right to me.

But now I'm learning that I don't really need to eat "as much as I want". I've really been focusing on my portions, lately, and noticing how satisfied I am. You know, they say there are 3 stages of fullness--satisfied, full and stuffed. I've always been somewhere between full and stuffed, with the needle leaning closer to stuffed, to feel happy. But I'm realizing that satisfied is taking on a whole new meaning.

See, I'd always thought that stuffed meant that everything was okay and I didn't have to worry that my food wouldn't be there later for me. If the food was there now, and I ate as much of it as possible, I wouldn't have to worry about it not being there later. I've always had a fear that I would run out of food. In fact, for years, I had to keep my cupboard doors open so I could see the food in there when I walked through the house. That's a hard one to overcome. And I don't claim to have beaten it. But I sure have taken one giant step towards winning the battle by realizing that if I get hungry later, I can eat more food later.

What a concept.

If I get hungry later, I can eat more later.

I don't know why that has never occurred to me before. How can something so simple be so elusive. The funny thing is that I've heard that over the past few years but I didn't believe it. I was still afraid the food would be gone later.

Now I know that satisfied is a great place to be. And I feel so happy that I've finally figured that one out.

As for my overdose of sodium last Sunday that caused 4 lbs of water retention, I've gotten all but about a half a pound of it off. Now my goal is to just NOT gain. Before, I wanted to lose the 6/10ths (or was it 4/10th) by this Saturday. Now I just want to NOT gain. I think that's a noble goal, don't you?



Malia said...

I just wanted to commend you on your success. I just started my own blog about my weight loss journey. (Journey to a Butterfly) I started a year ago at 330 pounds and am down 55 pounds so far. Reading your blog has inspired me. Thanks.

Mad Woman said...

It's funny, I even found inspiration in this post about cravings and sabotage.

I've been the same way lately. So I'm having that big plate of spaghetti tonight. With garlic bread. And ice cream for desert. And then I'll just exercise doubly tomorrow and be back on track.

When we deny ourselves things ALL the time, it makes it harder.

I'll be thinking about you!

screwdestiny said...

Ugh, I hate feeling stuffed. It's such an uncomfortable feeling (at least for me). I think the fact that I know if I eat too much it's going to leave me unhappy has been what's made it generally easy for me to exercise portion control. I'm glad you are now getting to the point where "satisfied" is working well for you, too. :)

Skyler Meine said...

Sabotage is a pretty common thing for people to do when they get close to goals or just start out. I have learned that you need to deal with what is going on subconsciously in order to overcome that final obstacle. I use hypnosis for weight loss to help me identify my issues and resolve them.