Sunday, May 17, 2009

With every rise, there comes a fall...

Okay, so I have some good news, or rather some great news, and then I have some bad news, or rather some horrible news.

Good news first.

Weigh in yesterday morning: Drum roll please....

I lose 4 POUNDS!!!

You guys were right. Those stress pounds came right off. Man, I'm so happy. I was so afraid those 4.8 pounds I gained week before last was going to take me weeks or even months to get off. I mean, I've only lost 8.6 pounds since the beginning of the year so at that rate, it'd take me over 2 months to take it back off. So I'm so ecstatic!!!

Or, at least I was.

Now for the bad news.

It's bad.

It's really bad.

I had an absolutely HORRIBLE weekend, food-wise.

I think I've gained those 4 pounds back. Why oh why do I do this!!!??? Can you hear me screaming right now? I haven't weight myself yet, but I will tomorrow morning. And I'm not looking forward to it.

I don't know why I did this. Why do I always do this?!

I ate the whole box of donuts Saturday morning just after weigh in. Well, almost the whole box. It was minus a half a donut from when I had my mini, controlled splurge Friday at lunch.

I had lasagna last night for dinner.

I had a piece of coconut cream pie for lunch today.

And the cherry on top of my pigging out weekend was the bag of Cheetos I scoffed down about an hour ago.

My stomach feels horrible. I feel so queasy. I've felt this way all weekend. I don't know what to do. I don't even know who I am any more. I mean, who in their right mind does this to themselves—intentionally. Am I doomed to sabotage my weight loss efforts for the rest of my life? Is this cycle ever going to end?

Kathy (my weigh in lady from WW) told me not to look at my weigh in book this week so I wouldn't wee those lost 4 pounds so that I wouldn't sabotage myself again. But I guess I didn't need to see the numbers in the book, I went ahead and sabotaged myself anyways.

It's almost like every time I lose big it gives me permission to splurge in a big way. It's like I have this leeway or something. It's like, 'whew, I lost that huge amount of weight, now I can just take it easy and indulge for a while because I have a huge buffer to fall back on'. Who does that?

I don't know where to go from here. Will I ever stop this cycle? I've been doing it fairly consistently for over 2 years now. You'd think I would have stopped by now.

So this week is going to be exercise hell for me. I didn't get to go biking this morning, but every night this week I'm going to have to burn a lot of calories. Heck, I might even get up early each morning and do a Shred workout (if I can drag my lazy butt out of bed each morning).

You know... I was only 1.2 pounds away from a paper clip??

I suck!

I thoroughly suck!!

9 comments:

Kathi said...

Cara,

Oh you are so not along with this. I still after five years of keeping weight down have had these moments. I am not sure if there is a real answer. I have been working really hard on this one and it has gotten slightly better. It used to be that I was have such huge blow outs with food that I would literally be sick and have to lay down. I have not done that is quite some time. The only words of encouragement I can give you is to pick up the pieces and move on. Don't continue to beat yourself up because it serves now purpose. Each day you are blessed with another opportunity. You are not a quitter you are a fighter and fighters push forward and never ever given in. I do think it get not quite as drastic with time. But ultimately we must discover why we are doing it and that is the big question. Also to be present in the moment it is occuring. I have been reading a book the beck diet for life and find it interesting that most of binge type eating is standing up. Would we have a huge binge if we had to bring our binge food to the table eat it slowly and enjoy it? Some thing to think about. I continue to be here for you anyway I can.
Today is a new day!!

Kathi

Jenn said...

Beating yourself up over this will only make you feel bad, which will probably lead to more overeating, right?
Can you look back over the last couple of days and see if something triggered this? Did you get bad news, did someone piss you off? Try to use what happened as a learning opportunity. What need were you trying to fulfill by eating food that you knew was not the right choice?
You've come SO FAR - so what if you haven't lost much since January - look at how far you've come since the beginning! You're learning and growing, and showing us all how this process works.

fatty McButter Pants said...

Are you kidding me.....you suck??? No, I don't even think so.

Put the bat down, and step away from the bat. Beating yourself up will not help.

Forget about the dang clip for awhile and focus on how far you've come.

I am in AWE of your success!

JC said...

"Will I ever stop this cycle" that is a powerful questiong for you to answer. When you find an answer, I'd like to hear it.

Terri said...

I went through this this past weekend. I had doughnuts, birthday cake, doughnuts, cupcakes....somehow I still lost weight. But I remember lying in bed Saturday night thinking about how horrible my stomach felt. I thought about that yesterday at my daughters 2nd birthday part and that helped me limit myself. When you have a loss, DON'T reward yourself with food, reward yourself with some you time. A pedicure, bracelet, new shirt....
And remember how bad you felt after you had all that stuff that you thought you wanted...
Hang in there, you'll be fine. You are no different than the rest of us trying to do the same thing and thank goodness we all have each other for support! And don't beat yourself up over it....

SeaShore said...

You will break this cycle, I have absolute faith that you will. Indulgences will always happen, but you will break this cyle. Never stop trying.

About the donuts. You did so well to only have 1/2 of one. Incredibly well! When you saw the next day that the box didn't go to work, that was the time to trash those donuts under the most disgusting rotting compost you could find. You gave them a chance fair and square to leave the house. I would also have a chat with the person who brought them home to you.

Matthew said...

(By the way - this is Jennifer. I got a new account and my hubbys name is on it.)
I do the same thing to myself week after week! I get down a couple of pounds and think I have that "buffer" and can splurge. This weekend I indulged in a mocha frapacinno, a Dairy Queen blizzard and and iced mocha from McDonald's. And then I didn't work out today because of some work being done at the house I had to be home for. Your looking great Cara, but we both have to get out of this cycle. I feel as though I must have a "treat" every evening after I put the kids to bed. At least I stocked the freezer with some WW ice cream snacks so I don't totally sabatoge myself. But like they do on the Biggest Loser, you have to find what it is that makes you do this to yourself and deal with it. Maybe you just can't allow yourself to indulge at all since it become a very slippery slope. I think it really is a lifelong battle that we have to fight on this. You know what? I think Joel's message this weekend was very appropriate and relatable. You are making such great strides and then it's like there is something stopping you from reaching your ultimate goal. There must be something really good that will come from you reaching your goal. Remember to confront lion head on! Confess it and seek God's help in defeating it!

tisha said...

Cara, you *don't* suck. It's a donut. Track it and move on. Isn't that what they say in WW? Stop beating yourself up. It happens.....a nice jog will help clear your mind and get you back on the path.

Lake Mary WWLeader said...

Remember what the Dutchess of York says. 'You are only one meal away from being back on Program'. As your hubby so eloquently stated, 'Life happens'. The key is to step back, focus on the positive accomplishments you have achived, and commit yourself to doing better going forward. You can and will break the cycle of self-sabotage. You recognize the symptoms and you can break the pattern. Also, please ask hubby to stop bringing home red light foods!