Saturday, May 9, 2009

I can't see what's behind the door...

So weigh in this morning was horrible. On so many different levels.

I gained 4.8 pounds.

I don't understand it. I ate my 21 points a day (plus a couple of earned activity points each day). I ate most of my flex points last weekend so I'd have all week to work them off (however, I only gained 1 pound over the weekend). I earned 27 activity points. What the heck!

Okay, I think I might know what's up. Stress.

#1. My job responsibilities used to be a full time job. Since the layoffs, I've taken on about 50% more workload so I'm doing 150% of the work in the same amount of time I used to do 100% of my work.

#2. It's the end of the magazine cycle which means all of the work done on the magazine all week gets wrapped up and finalized in order to ship out to the printer. I call myself the "human magazine funnel". Nothing goes into the magazine unless I put it there. Editorial writes it. Design creates the artwork. Advertising sells the ads and provides the ad material. What I do is take all those pieces and build a magazine—page by page. So the last week of the cycle is getting the million lose ends tied off and getting each page of the magazine finalized to it will print correctly. This past cycle was rough. The last several months have been rough. Each issue seems to get worse and worse. The layoffs have changed everyone's schedules and processes so everyone's late getting things to me and the schedule can't be moved, so I have to compensate.

#3. I just found out that a good friend at work's mom had Alzheimer's disease before she passed away. She died a couple of years ago and I didn't know my friend then, but that's one of my greatest fears in life is getting Alzheimer's. It runs in my family. And I couldn't stop crying for her. I can't imagine what she went through with her mom towards the end. I can't imagine my own mother forgetting who I am.

#4. This is the big one. My daughter moved out. My only daughter. She's going to be 20 on Tuesday so I know it's time for her to move out. But I am not ready for it. She's still in college. Just finished her 2nd year. And I just don't think this move was the best time and situation for her to move into. I think her expenses are still way too high to take on the extras of rent, utilities and food. She moved in with 2 roommates, one of which, she's just met (the other she's know for 2 years). I know, I have to let her go. She's an adult. She needs to be on her own. But I just don't like it. I'm so worried for her.

Friday morning was especially hard because it was the last time I'd hear her alarm clock go off. It's the last time I'd wake her up. It's the last time we'd have breakfast together. It's the last time I'd hug her goodbye. It was my morning of lasts. And then I got to work and had about 25 hours of work that I had to cram into 7 hours in order to get the magazine shipped out on time. Everyone else was too busy to help. I cried my way through the day.

One good part to this past week was that I didn't eat one cupcake. I baked cupcakes for a friend at work (she commissioned me) and I had so much fun doing it. They were Snickerdoodle cupcakes which is butter cupcakes filled with cinnamon cream cheese filling and stopped with boiled white icing (made with meringue). But I resisted and did not eat even one of them.

And then this morning, when I entered my weight on WW.com, first of all I cried because I'm now back up to 172.2. I swore I'd NEVER get back up in the 170s again. But on top of that, after I input my weight, the darn pop up window said it's time to recalculate my points. I'm thinking, WHAT? Please don't take away another point. 21 points is already slim pickings. Would you believe the stupid thing GAVE me a point back??!!! Seriously! I now have 22 daily points allowance.What the heck is up with that?!?! I don't even know what to do with that. I've NEVER had WW GIVE me points!

Okay, tell me where I'm supposed to go from here. Because I don't know.

9 comments:

Shelley said...

Oh Cara, what a week you've had! My advice? First, take a deep breath...exhale slowly. Then, say the Serenity Prayer. It may help you put so many of your worries in perspective; I know it does for me.

I know how hard it is when a child moves out. It's an entirely new life, for both her and you and your husband! It will all be ok.

Hang in there - hope your stress abates and those nasty pounds disappear quickly!

Carol said...

Here's what you do . . . give yourself a bit of time to have a melt down, then stand back up, dust off your knees, and keep on doing what you know you need to do. This is an important lessons you need to learn during the maintenance phase (AKA the rest of your life). There will be peaks and valleys. We just have to ride them out and resist the urge to give up. It will be fine. Repeat after me . . . "it will be fine"!

Kathi said...

Maybe it's me but I find it hard to believe that you were right in line with your eating and put on 4.8. I hate to sounds mean an cruel and that is not my intention but some times we truly have to look at what we are putting in our mouths. I have lost over a hundred pounds and have been through the peaks and valleys of weight loss I do know for what I speak because I have lived it.
Every uncounted bite of this or that adds up. Please really reflect back on your week. What have you done different this week than past weeks. Go to past week that you have been very successful and see what you did differently.
This is a very difficult journey but one that can be won.
I hope for the very best for you and I only come from a place of love and support.
All the best to you,

Kathi

tisha said...

Cara. It's stress. Our body gets all funked up when stress comes-a-callin'. I'm sure you'll see a loss next week. Stay on plan, go for one of your lovely jogs and reflect on the week and the stressors and leave them on the road. I've had friends really struggle when their children left home. They seriously had melt downs. I'm sure this is what you're feeling. Hang in there.

jinxxxygirl said...

Cara,

What a week! I want a piece of chocolate cake just reading about it. LOL! Sweety my daughter moved out when she was 18 and went halfway across the country to Califorina following a guy! I promise you life does go on. Trust me it will all work out. We raise them so they CAN leave home. :) Soon you'll realize she's out there living her life and you have a life to live too.
We know better than to freak out over the scale. Betcha next week is tons better! Jinx!

Lauri said...

Cara,
Because I read her myspace, I have been seeing she was getting ready to move out and was wondering how you felt about it. I know how difficult it is. When Tabatha first left home, she climbed on a bus and headed across country to Virgina....and as Jinx said....for a boy. Just thinking about standing there watching her get on the bus....oh man. She was 18. And when she got there and called to say what a mistake she made....to be too far away to give her a hug while she cried....makes me tear up just thinking about it. I didn't get to see her again for months. You are so lucky that your daughter is still close enough to meet for lunch or share a movie with or whatever. So as difficult as it is, try to look at the blessings of how much MORE difficult it could be!
The work stuff sounds all too familiar...do more with less and in less time. Working for a school district with cutbacks brings similar situation. My deadlines are different than yours, and yours sound excruciatingly painful! But you wouldn't be in the job if you couldn't handle it....and you can, obviously, because you have.
I'm sorry you have had such a stressful week, wish I was there to give you a hug. But you are one of the strongest women I know, and I have so much faith and admiration for you. You WILL not only survive, you WILL overcome.
Love you!

Deborah said...

Stress is always a factor in weight loss and gain. I think you figured it out all on your own.


You've just received an award from me. To to my blog and check it out!!

Sharon said...

Cara: I have found weight training to help with weight loss. I am not sure if you weight train at all but if not, consider adding it to your regime. Build some muscle to help with your metabolism.

Also - you are an inspiration for how far you have come. Just keep on going and you will cross your finish line.

Sharon

MaryFran said...

Not sure if I have any good advice for you girl. Just keep your head up and know that everything will get better.

Stress will do it, so just keep plugging away and that weight will drop right back off!