Saturday, May 23, 2009

Who am I? Why am I hear? Where am I going?

Weigh in today.

Gained another 2.4 pounds.

Let's see. Why do you think I gained?
  • Was it the box of donuts I ate on Saturday morning?
  • Was it the huge plate of lasagna I had Saturday night?
  • Was it the piece of coconut cream pie (with a side of a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie) I had Sunday for lunch?
  • Was it the (snack size) bag of Cheetos (at least it wasn't the huge bag like I wanted) I had Sunday for dinner?
  • Was it the Cinnamon Butter Cupcake I had Monday night? (and, no, I didn't eat any more of them the next day)
  • Was it the spaghetti I had Thursday night?
  • Was it because I didn't track one bit of food since Sunday night?
  • Or was it the lack of exercise all week?
Hmm. I wonder what could have caused the gain?

I'm in such a funk right now. I mean, ugh!! What the heck?!

It's like, I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight but I refuse to do it. And when I do, do it, I don't do it all the way. I mean, I'll say that I'm doing it. And I'll even convince myself that I'm doing it, but I'm not really. Like I'll say "I tracked all my food this week" when in reality, I might have tracked a few days. Or I'll say "I exercised this week" when in reality, all I did was a bike ride on Sunday or maybe I walked once or twice throughout the week. That's not "exercise" that's mildly keeping active.

I know I need to track every bit of food I eat.

I know I need to measure my food portions.

I know I need to exercise every day.

But I don't.

I only do it half-a$$ed.

All I want to do is lose 100 pounds. Why can't I do that?

I'm seriously considering giving up on trying to lose and just face it that I'm not going to allow myself to lose any more weight and just never reach the 100 pound goal.

The only problem with that is that I'm petrified of gaining it all back. It scares the crap out of me!!! I can't stop dieting. I'll never stop. I took one week off last December and gained 8 pounds in that one week. Can you imagine what would happen if I took a month or two off?? I'd be back to 275 pounds in no time, I'm sure.

You know what the worst part about all of this is that I'm not eating the food that I really want to. I mean, I lose, I gain, I lose, I gain, but through it all, I don't eat what I really want to. If I do, I can only eat a tiny bit of it knowing full well that if I eat the amount I want to, I'll gain big time.

Why is food still so important to me?

I would have hoped that after 2 years of being on this new "lifestyle" that I'd be used to it by now and the cravings wouldn't be so bad. And the yearnings would subside. When will they? Will they ever?

Man, listen to me, I sound like a whinny baby.

I'm just not in a great place right now. I'm not happy with alot of things in my life and food is just one of them. I need a new perspective on things. I need to focus on the good things in my life rather than the bad. I need for the good to outweigh the bad.

Who was it who said life should be this hard?


Dutch said...

I know exactly what you are saying. I have been struggling for the last few weeks. I don't know how to refocus. It is like I lost all interest in eating healthy and exercising. I am not even sleeping right since I stopped everything. I am never up until 1am. If you find the answers please let me know.

Deborah said...

I don't think the cravings will ever go away. You'll just have to find your own way of dealing with them and doling them out in WEE LITTLE bits.

Have you given thoughts to going on maintenance for a month or two? And then revisiting your goal. And by maintenance I don't mean a box of donuts or a huge plate of lasagna or pie all in one week. Try them in moderation once a week and keep in the back of your mind that there is always next week for another treat.

Julie said...

I've read about 5 blogs this AM... and EVERY one of them said just about the same thing as you.

I truly believe it's the change in seasons - the movement from spring to summer and the new foods that come with it. The new activity that will be incorporated.

During my journey, the change in seasons always slowed me down a little... I have no idea why. Keep on keeping on! You can do this!

Kathi said...

I was so glad to read your blog this morning. It just spoke to me. If you have been reading my blog I have also been struggling for the last week. I also have the same fears but I know that if I was going to return to that "fat" girl I would have already returned. I haven't given five years of my life to retun to that.
I say let you and I just take one day at a time. Did I have a great eating day yesterday? No but that does not mean I can't have one to day. Attempt to find the good things that you did do. For me yesterday I didn't have any ice cream! Did I have other things that I was not planning on ? yes I know that I CAN and will do this does it mean it will always be a smooth road? Oh no!
Let's do this together one hour, one day and one pound at at time. I am in are you?


Diana said...

It must be something in the air this week because I'm struggling too. After 15 months and 85 pounds you would think I'd have this figured out. Ha! Not really.

My only advice, which I think you already know, don't give up. Just get right back at right this minute. We both know what works, we just have to do it. Hang in there!

Diana said...

P.S. I forgot to look fabulous! You look at least 20 years younger in your after pictures. Good job!

Lake Mary WWLeader said...

I am feeling your pain! I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take away all of your strife. The reality is that anything worth having is worth working for. I realize that it is hard work, but focusing on what we really want out of life long term (better health, smaller clothing sizes and no medications) is truly worth the struggle. Please don't give up on your new lifestyle or yourself. You have come a long way and have accomplished too much to give it up now. Be patient with yourself and take it one day (or one meal) at a time. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Hi Cara:

Your post really spoke to me. Two thoughts for your consideration.

First, I noted that all of the food that you listed as not on your eating plan (Cheetos, coconut cream pie, lasagne, donuts) are highly processed foods with main ingredients of sugar and/or white flour. I truly believe that these kinds of foods are highly addictive (at least to formerly overweight people), and that it is virtually impossible for us to eat them in moderation. I have cut all of these types of food out of my diet almost completely, and I truly do not experience the kinds of cravings that I once did. For me, a diet where I'm trying to eat these kinds of food "in moderation" is simply not possible. I felt at one time that I would not "enjoy life" if I wasn't able to enjoy these foods. At least for me, now that I have come to see these addictive foods as the problem -- and NOT my lack of willpower -- I enjoy life so much more without these foods. I can genuinely say that, after cutting them out from my diet, they are no longer foods that I "really want." I feel that they are toxic to my body. On this topic, I found this posting from another blog very insightful.

Second, I was struck by your fear of regaining weight. I feel that way too. You wrote: "I can't stop dieting. I'll never stop." For myself, "dieting" suggests something that is not "normal eating" and restrictive. I thought about what I would write instead to express your same resolution, and I came up with "I'll never go back to my old way of eating. I'll never go back."

Best wishes to you, and hang in there. I love the honesty in your blog.