Monday, February 23, 2009

Attack of the chips...

I just had a momentary laps into my days-of-fat and I had to come in here and confess it. I feel just awful!

I just had a mad eating frenzy of chips and dip!

I had just eaten my on-point lunch of almond butter and sf blackberry jam sandwich and I was doing okay. Wasn't hungry. And all of the sudden, I ran to the pantry and pulled out the chips and hurried to the fridge and got the dip and stood there at the kitchen counter cramming chip & dip after chip & dip into my mouth like someone had told me that I wasn't going to be able to eat anything for the rest of my life and I had to scarf down as much as possible to help me live.

Oh my goodness!

I couldn't stop.

My finger tips were getting covered with dip as I went from bag to tub feverishly.

All the while, I kept saying "Cara, what are you doing!?" But I couldn't stop. "Cara, stop!". But I wouldn't stop. "Cara, I can't believe you're doing this! STOP!". But I kept going.

Finally after about 5 minutes of non-stop gorging, I finally said "OK, last bite" and I put them away. Deep breath.

Afterwards, I felt so dirty. I'm so ashamed I did that. I don't know why I did that.

I used to do that whenever I was alone at home, but I wouldn't stop until every last chip and ounce of dip was gone. I'd only do that when no one was home. And I'd throw away the evidence that I'd done it in the bottom of the trash can so no one would ever know.

I just went and brushed my teeth trying to get the greasy taste of the chips out of my mouth. I think I might have to go do that again because I can still taste the aftertaste a bit.

The only thing I can think of that might have caused me to do that was that I was a little shaky before lunch. When I was walking down the stairs at work to leave to come home, I remember thinking, "Wow, I'm starving". I was kind of surprised. I didn't feel hungry a minute ago. I was even a little shaky in my legs. I sometimes get that way—shaky for no reason. It doesn't happen often. In fact, it's happened very few times since I've been on WW. I've tested my blood sugar during several different episodes and each time my levels are normal. But in the past, the only way I could get the shaking to stop was to gorge myself on sweets. I guess because there were no sweets in the house, I gorged on chips.

Looking back, that's probably what it was. My instinct to get rid of the shakes. But while I was going through it, it's like I was a crazed animal. Chip crumbs were flying everywhere.

Well, I'm glad it's over. I sure hope I don't do that again. Luckily I was able to stop after only 5 minutes. I don't even know how many chips I consumed. I probably ate half the tub of dip. No idea how to count those points.

Listen to me, here I've just had a very traumatic eating experience and I'm trying to track my points.

I guess that's a good thing, huh?

.

14 comments:

HopeFool said...

You stopped, you stopped, you stopped!

And you learned.

That's progress, right? It's okay.

Jim said...

"A crazed animal!"

Sometimes my diet lapses make me cringe,
When I lose control and go on a food binge.

"Eat, Eat, Eat!" goes an irresistible refrain,
The culprit is inside me, deep in my brain.

Yes, that diet saboteur is always among us,
It's little but powerful, it's the hypothalamus.

For all of evolution, it's told us what to think,
It makes all creatures crave sex, or food or drink.

So just when I think I'm finally in control,
Here comes that part of my brain so old.

Suddenly my self-control becomes so minimal,
And my hypothalamus makes me a crazed animal.

justjuliebean said...

What a strange experience. When I lose control, it tends to be because I'm starving myself, or restricting too much. You can't have done too much damage in just a few minutes, try not to stress. I think making yourself feel bad about these things just adds fuel to the fire, instead maybe try to be proud that you stopped, and try to use it as a learning experience.

MaryFran said...

Your chip and dip fiasco is NOT a loss. You said yourself that the old you would have continued until all the chips and dip were gone! You stopped. You were able to get control of yourself. Maybe not as early as you wanted...but you did eventually gain control!

Two things struck me as I read your post. Number one...I've soooo been there in your shoes binging on food and just eating like there is no tomorrow. But my second thought was how far have we come. You recognized that this is not healthy. I recognize it when I do it now. HOWEVER, there was a day when I thought that those behaviors were normal. Lessons learned!

fatty McButter Pants said...

I love that you still want to add in the points! Good girl. You are really an inspiration.

jinxxxygirl said...

You know Cara this may be a shot in the dark but as you agree we seem to be on a similar path i'm gonna put it out there.
Not only are you a dieter on a weightloss journey but you are a 'RUNNER'. And that makes you different from people trying to lose weight without running. Your body requires fuel and if your not giving it enough or the right things its gonna get them one way or another. This could be your runner body talking to you.
I try to go very light on the carbs. I don't totally ban them but i keep them in check , well probably once a month i get this uncontrollable craving for pizza. Now, it could be just that, a craving for pizza, but i tend to think that from all the running my body is just needing more carbs and thats how it gets it. I don't know its just a thought. But just so you know that your running makes you a whole different animal. LOL! JInx!

spunkysuzi said...

I can so relate to this. I've had days where i've eaten great all day in fact i can remember one where i had the most awesome dinner! 30 mins later i was standing in front of the fridge putting whatever i could find in my mouth!
But you stopped, you knew that you didn't want to do it anymore. And in my book that's the beginning of learning a new habit :)

run4change said...

i so get this. I love chips. I actually did that this weekend too. Your not alone. I ate me some blue corn chips.

scratch said...

First time I have seen your blog but I had to leave a comment because when you described yourself eating the chips and dip I thought to myself...this is exactly what happens to me...been there...soooooo many times.

Nichole said...

i agree. quit thinking you are bad. don't deny yourself little cheats or BINGES happen. if you give a little once in a while, you don't feel dirty and bad. because you're not. you're normal. normal people don't deny themselves every fun thing.

get over. you stopped. take it easy next time. LESS GUILT and LESS BINGES

tisha85 said...

I lived vicariously through that post Cara and I'm dying to know....what KIND of dip was covering your fingertips? I want to know. No, really I don't want to know. Your post made me laugh.

Nat said...

Oh man, my mouth is watering as I read that post! I've had those mindless moments too and my stopping point used to be when I was sick. Not anymore!
Good job on stopping!

David Showers said...

Cara,

You are such a wonderful person. When I read this post at work yesterday I actually go a tear in my eye. Thank God I got to come home and give you a big hug.

I know YOU are a strong person because YOU are MY strength.

I know your heart and the person you are inside. don't worry about yesterday. You are doing such a great job.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm new to your site, but I have the same thing happen to me. And I think, for me at least, it's related to perimenopause - I'm fine one minute then I get this insatiable desire to eat whatever is in front of me. I dont get gradual hunger, it seems to go from 0-60 in about 2 minutes. Often I get antsy, hungry, and end up with a mini hot flash. It's like all systems fire up at once. Any thoughts on how to control this anyone?