Sunday, November 1, 2009

One huge moment of humiliation...

Something happened last night that I'm completely ashamed of, but I have to confess it. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to be accountable. So I need to be honest. So here goes. Please don't judge me.

First things first, I splurged a little yesterday and paid for it majorly. I had a 6 oz ribeye (12 pts) with a loaded baked potato (11 pts) and onion petals (9 pts) (buy one get one free coupon at Logans). I felt like I was going to vomit for about an hour afterwards because of all the fat I ate. Ugh! I will not do that again! Then for dessert, about 2-3 hours later, while I was grocery shopping, I picked up a jumbo cupcake from the bakery.

But that wasn't the bad part.

Later in the evening, I had to return to the grocery store for something I'd forgot that I needed for breakfast the next morning. I should not have gone.

I had no reason being in the produce section, but I meanered my way over there. And what's right next to the produce section? The bakery. It's like an invisible force was calling me and all I could do was comply. When I got there, I had no idea what I was going to get, but I was craving something extremely sweet. (As if the cupcake wasn't enough, right?!)

When I made it to the bakery counter, the same lady was behind the counter as before when I bought that ridiculously huge cupcake. I panicked. I thought, I know she'll remember me because I had gotten a quote on a cake from her at the same time and we talked for quite a bit. I was too embarrassed to go up there and ask for another huge sweet thing, so I looked through the goodies that are on the tables in the middle of the room packaged in the clear plastic containers.

All of the containers had too much in them. Like a dozen cookies or 6 cupcakes or 2 dozen donut holes, etc. I kept looking until I found one that had 2 cream filled pastries. They were both huge, but it was the smallest I could find.

So what did I do? After paying for the food and walking out to the car, I got in and drove to a dark part of the parking lot (the sun had already set) and sat there in my car and wolfed down that pastry.

They were probably 8" long, maybe 2" wide, kinda flat with cream cheese filling and powder sugar on top.

I sat in the dark. In my car. Eating the pastry that I was so ashamed to be eating. I kept looking around like I was a shoplifter or something. Like at any minute someone was going to tap on my window and arrest me for hiding and eating in my car.

There I sat, in the dark, shoveling the pastry down my throat as fast as I could (hubby was expecting me back soon because I was only going to the store to get one thing). With every bite, I was so ashamed. This is the way I used to be. Before I started on Weight Watchers, 2 1/2 years ago. I couldn't figure out why I was sitting there eating like I used to.

This is something I'd done a million times before; ordering an extra hamburger at the drive thru and eating it before I got home with everyone else's food (then I'd eat a hamburger in front of my family). Buy a huge bag of ruffles and a block of cream cheese and downing them for lunch and hiding the empty bag and box in the bottom of the trash can so no one would know I ate the whole thing. Etc., etc., etc.

But that was all before I'd figured out why food has a hold on me like it does and recognized that I have the power over it and it doesn't have to control me any more. I'm past all that now.

So why was I sitting there in the dark, hiding my horrible eating from the world.

Remember I said there were two pastries in the container? As I was getting close to the end of the first one, I started thinking how full I was getting and how I didn't know if I could eat the 2nd one. But what would I do with it? I couldn't just throw it away. It was a perfectly good pastry. So I started eating the 2nd one, too.

I took one bite and started to cry. WHAT THE HECK WAS I DOING???!!!! I'm better than this. I'm past this! I've come too far to still sit in the dark and eat.

I threw the last piece back into the container, closed it up, then drove to the closest trash can and threw it away. I had to hide the evidence. After all, hubby had seen me down that HUGE cupcake already that night. If he saw me eating something else just as bad and huge, I'd be so embarrassed.

When I got out of my car and walked to the trash can with the other pastry (minus one bite) in the plastic container, I started thinking that everyone must know exactly what I'm doing. Why else would a grown woman get out of her car and trow away a perfectly good pastry? She must be hiding the fact that she'd already eaten the other one. I knew that everyone walking in and out of the store and in the parking lot and on the side walk just knew exactly how humiliated I was feeling.

I drove home in utter silence.

Right as I was walking into the house, my phone rang. It was hubby wondering where I'd been. I didn't have the courage to tell him I'd been hiding in the dark eating a huge cream fill pastry. So I just shrugged it off.

Now I'm afraid he's gonna read this blog post, but I still have to confess it.

Now if I could just figure out why I did it.


On a slightly different subject, I tried greek yogurt for the first time today. Diane mentioned it while she was entering the Measure Up Bowls giveaway and I've been wanting to try it but couldn't find it. I found it at the grocery store and bought a "fruit on the bottom" peach flavored 6 oz tub and boy was it yummy. I think I like it more than regular yogurt. It has the consistency of sour cream but tastes just like regular yogurt. I think I'll start eating greek yogurt rather than regular yogurt from now on because the container I ate had 19 grams of protein!! How awesome is that!? Other than that, it has the exact same nutritional information as regular yogurt.

And on another slightly different note, have you guys ever heard of Shirataki Noodles? I was thinking about trying them in a pasta dish, like maybe spaghetti or fettuccine.

Don't forget to enter my Measure Up Bowls Giveaway contest. See the rules here. Contest ends Nov. 15th.



screwdestiny said...

Oh Cara. Of course we're not going to judge you or anything, I just feel bad that you did something so destructive to yourself. And I'm not talking about your body. One pastry (and I just say that because obviously this is not a regular occurence anymore) is not going to hurt you. It probably wouldn't even hurt your weigh-in, if that was the only time you cheated all week. But it clearly hurt you mentally. It didn't make you feel good, even *as you where eating it*, so I guess you have to dig really deep and ask yourself what the point was. And maybe in the future make an agreement with yourself that you're never going to hide your eating. If you want to indulge in something, fine, but don't hide in your car, etc., to do it. I think that alone would keep you from binging or whatever a lot of the time because like you said, you'd be embarrassed. Anywho, just get back on the wagon and put this behind you.

Me said...

I think everybody has done this sometime in their weight loss. If it had been me, I'd be asking 1) was I hungry when I left for the supermarket 2) if I wasn't hungry, was my stomach full 3) was I cold. I'd be making a commitment to eating something filling (such as an apple/small tin of tuna/4 or 5 brussel sprouts before heading into the supermarket. It happens, we learn from the experience and move on. However, thanks for your honest posting, it makes me feel like I'm not the only person who eats unexpectedly occasionally.

Miz said...

Girl, this is such an amazing raw powerful and NORMALIZING for so many post.

Im with screwdestiny as it isnt the calories but all how you felt while eating etc. and it's monday.

New week.
Fresh start.

Miz. (who loves the shirataki even tho I caint spell it :))

Roxie said...

Please don't beat yourself up over this. It's progress, not perfection. How long has it been since you've engaged in this behavior? Nearly forever, so pick yourself up and do the next best thing for you.

No good ever comes of beating yourself up. If it did, we'd all be thin as sticks.

Hugs to you.

Beth said...

Oh Cara, I feel for you! I have done that. More than once. Probably most of us have. Even as I'm doing it, I don't understand why. It's such a powerless, yet driven feeling. You describe the emotion perfectly: humiliation. You have my sympathy and support. Please know that people who have done that,even while they're on their journey, DO go on to reach their goal!!

Shelley said...

Ouch. What you described brings back a lot of memories for me, from ordering and eating the extra food before bringing home the "real" meal, to eating those bakery goodies and hiding the evidence. Can I just say that I am so proud of you for admitting it here? Yes, you reverted back to old behavior for a moment, but you came back to your new, healthy attitude by writing about it - and that, my friend, is progress beyond anything! Hugs to you, Cara.

Sheilagh (60 x60) said...

I can relate to you and your feeling Cara. Such a heart rendering post. I have been there and quite recently too. The feelings when doing it are unexplainable ~(is there sucha word)

I think you have exorcised some bad feeling today posting so honestly.

I admire you all the more for such a candid post.

MaryFran said...

Woah, while I was reading I was totally there with you. I have done that...too often to count it seems. Thankfully much much less than I used to before embarking on this healthy lifestyle. You need to give yourself props where they are due and that is that you STOPPED with that second one (I know for me, there were plenty of times that I would have eaten matter how it made me feel). You have also come clean and brought it out in the open. (isn't that another part of the 12 step program for addicts....and we are food addicts). Just a little speed bump of learning.

marina kamen said... day at a time:)

Obese Swan said...

Ugt oh! Well I am glad tha tyou were able to stop yourself and throw away the second one. You have recognised that it is bad behavior and now you just gotta figure out what caused your little binge there. Good luck!

David Showers said...

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I thought something was up when you came home.

I love you for your flaws, not your perfection. You have come such a long way. I'm so very proud of you. The only reason I'm upset is becasue you didn't bring the second one home fore me! :)

Look, I went from 260 something to 194 back to 245. You have NOTHING to be asshamed of. I'm so proud you didn't eat the second one. This shows growth and increased willpower.

Oh, and NEVER be asshamed to tell me these things. You know better than that.

bluenotes said...

I found myself doing this the other day also. Lucky for you, you actually had emotions about it, it just left me feeling numb. the fact that you got so upset about this really shows a lot. and don't be one is perfect.
i need to start holding myself accountable too. I just can't help being embarassed about what i do and sometimes i don't want to write about it & just forget it. but after reading this, i'm not gonna do that anymore!