One huge moment of humiliation...

Something happened last night that I'm completely ashamed of, but I have to confess it. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to be accountable. So I need to be honest. So here goes. Please don't judge me.

First things first, I splurged a little yesterday and paid for it majorly. I had a 6 oz ribeye (12 pts) with a loaded baked potato (11 pts) and onion petals (9 pts) (buy one get one free coupon at Logans). I felt like I was going to vomit for about an hour afterwards because of all the fat I ate. Ugh! I will not do that again! Then for dessert, about 2-3 hours later, while I was grocery shopping, I picked up a jumbo cupcake from the bakery.

But that wasn't the bad part.

Later in the evening, I had to return to the grocery store for something I'd forgot that I needed for breakfast the next morning. I should not have gone.

I had no reason being in the produce section, but I meanered my way over there. And what's right next to the produce section? The bakery. It's like an invisible force was calling me and all I could do was comply. When I got there, I had no idea what I was going to get, but I was craving something extremely sweet. (As if the cupcake wasn't enough, right?!)

When I made it to the bakery counter, the same lady was behind the counter as before when I bought that ridiculously huge cupcake. I panicked. I thought, I know she'll remember me because I had gotten a quote on a cake from her at the same time and we talked for quite a bit. I was too embarrassed to go up there and ask for another huge sweet thing, so I looked through the goodies that are on the tables in the middle of the room packaged in the clear plastic containers.

All of the containers had too much in them. Like a dozen cookies or 6 cupcakes or 2 dozen donut holes, etc. I kept looking until I found one that had 2 cream filled pastries. They were both huge, but it was the smallest I could find.

So what did I do? After paying for the food and walking out to the car, I got in and drove to a dark part of the parking lot (the sun had already set) and sat there in my car and wolfed down that pastry.

They were probably 8" long, maybe 2" wide, kinda flat with cream cheese filling and powder sugar on top.

I sat in the dark. In my car. Eating the pastry that I was so ashamed to be eating. I kept looking around like I was a shoplifter or something. Like at any minute someone was going to tap on my window and arrest me for hiding and eating in my car.

There I sat, in the dark, shoveling the pastry down my throat as fast as I could (hubby was expecting me back soon because I was only going to the store to get one thing). With every bite, I was so ashamed. This is the way I used to be. Before I started on Weight Watchers, 2 1/2 years ago. I couldn't figure out why I was sitting there eating like I used to.

This is something I'd done a million times before; ordering an extra hamburger at the drive thru and eating it before I got home with everyone else's food (then I'd eat a hamburger in front of my family). Buy a huge bag of ruffles and a block of cream cheese and downing them for lunch and hiding the empty bag and box in the bottom of the trash can so no one would know I ate the whole thing. Etc., etc., etc.

But that was all before I'd figured out why food has a hold on me like it does and recognized that I have the power over it and it doesn't have to control me any more. I'm past all that now.

So why was I sitting there in the dark, hiding my horrible eating from the world.

Remember I said there were two pastries in the container? As I was getting close to the end of the first one, I started thinking how full I was getting and how I didn't know if I could eat the 2nd one. But what would I do with it? I couldn't just throw it away. It was a perfectly good pastry. So I started eating the 2nd one, too.

I took one bite and started to cry. WHAT THE HECK WAS I DOING???!!!! I'm better than this. I'm past this! I've come too far to still sit in the dark and eat.

I threw the last piece back into the container, closed it up, then drove to the closest trash can and threw it away. I had to hide the evidence. After all, hubby had seen me down that HUGE cupcake already that night. If he saw me eating something else just as bad and huge, I'd be so embarrassed.

When I got out of my car and walked to the trash can with the other pastry (minus one bite) in the plastic container, I started thinking that everyone must know exactly what I'm doing. Why else would a grown woman get out of her car and trow away a perfectly good pastry? She must be hiding the fact that she'd already eaten the other one. I knew that everyone walking in and out of the store and in the parking lot and on the side walk just knew exactly how humiliated I was feeling.

I drove home in utter silence.

Right as I was walking into the house, my phone rang. It was hubby wondering where I'd been. I didn't have the courage to tell him I'd been hiding in the dark eating a huge cream fill pastry. So I just shrugged it off.

Now I'm afraid he's gonna read this blog post, but I still have to confess it.

Now if I could just figure out why I did it.

:(

On a slightly different subject, I tried greek yogurt for the first time today. Diane mentioned it while she was entering the Measure Up Bowls giveaway and I've been wanting to try it but couldn't find it. I found it at the grocery store and bought a "fruit on the bottom" peach flavored 6 oz tub and boy was it yummy. I think I like it more than regular yogurt. It has the consistency of sour cream but tastes just like regular yogurt. I think I'll start eating greek yogurt rather than regular yogurt from now on because the container I ate had 19 grams of protein!! How awesome is that!? Other than that, it has the exact same nutritional information as regular yogurt.

And on another slightly different note, have you guys ever heard of Shirataki Noodles? I was thinking about trying them in a pasta dish, like maybe spaghetti or fettuccine.

Don't forget to enter my Measure Up Bowls Giveaway contest. See the rules here. Contest ends Nov. 15th.

.