Obsession or "Planning"...

Well, I did it. I weighed in this morning. I sure didn't want to, but I had no choice.

The good news (well, kinda) is that I only gained (officially) 2.2 pounds.

Whew!

I was TRULY expecting a 5 pound gain. When I weighed myself at home this morning before I went to Weight Watchers I was still up 4.8 pounds from what I weighed at home Saturday before last.

It's so confusing because at home I'm up 5 pounds. At Weight Watchers I'm up only 2.2 and at the gym I'm up only 1 pound ... all from 2 Saturday's ago. I weight myself at the gym every Saturday morning just after breakfast (after Weight Watchers). So I'm weighing at the exact same time on the exact same scales in all three places each Saturday morning. Ugh!   ...I digress.

Okay, back to the good part. I can handle only a 2.2 pound gain. I'm still above the 100 pound mark. My total loss is still 103.8 pounds (that's my Weight Watcher's loss--I always like to state that because I lost 10 lbs on NutraSystems the year before I started Weight Watchers and I like to add those 10 lbs in there whenever I can--so it's a total of 113.8).

I tell you, if I had dipped below the 100 pound mark I can't image what would have happened. I don't ever--ever--want to go below that mark again. And I tell you I was completely petrified that I'd done that. So I'm SO ecstatic that I didn't. So, yay!

My husband (who is the most wonderful man on this planet) and I had a discussion this morning that really got me to thinking. We were talking about how just about all I ever talk about is food or weight loss. Sure, we have other conversations, but inevitably, food will somehow get worked into every conversation. And you know, that's true. If I'm not talking about what I ate, I'm talking about what I'm going to eat or what I want to eat or what I want to bake or cook. And I have to be honest, probably at least 50% (if not more) of the shows I like to watch on TV are related to food, somehow.

It is like an obsession with me.

But the weird part is, I'm not sure how to turn it off or slow it down. I mean, #1, I do love food. Everything about it. And, #2, I have to always be thinking about and planning what I'm going to eat or how this or that will effect my weight loss efforts or (lately) how it'll effect my exercise efforts. I see no way around those types of thoughts.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I can take control of the "afterthoughts". I think those are the one's I should learn to let go. The things like "Oh, I had the most wonderful "whatever-it-is" for lunch today (and then I proceed to go into great detail about every taste and bite and texture)" or "I'm so mad that I ate those chips last night" or "I'll bet you if I wouldn't have eaten that piece of cake I would have lost weight this week" or even something as harmless ad "Ooo, did you see that? That casserole looks amazing! I wonder how many point it is?".

I'm seeing that there's a difference between planning about what I'm going to eat and obsessing over what I've already eaten and have no control over or contemplating something that I know I can't eat (or don't want to because it would either be too many points or would send me off the deep end wanting more and more).

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. It does seem like such a fine line, but I think it's one that needs distinction. All I know is that I can't keep this up. I do obsess over every kind of food and everything associated with food. And I know it's not healthy.

Did you know that I have not one but TWO food calendars in my cubical at work? Yup, I have a scrumptious calendar that has huge, very fattening, very luscious looking photos for each month and to offset that I got a "Healthified" calendar that hangs right next to it so I could justify looking at the "bad for me" foods. That's just messed up!

Yes, I'm obsessed.

People always come in my cube and say "I don't see how you can look at that all day long. It would make me want to eat it.". And I always shrug it off and say that it doesn't bother me at all. Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is feeding my obsession. I wonder what other things in my life are feeding my obsession? I think I'm going to have to reassess things.

Do you guys twitter? I do. I love it. If you want to find me, I'm @CaraShow. I found this tweet today and thought it suited me so perfectly:

"What keeps me motivated is not food itself, but all the bonds & memories the food represents." ~Julia Child"

I think that about sums it up for me.

What do you guys do? Do you obsess over food? How do you turn it off? How do you cope? How do I stop obsessing?

I'm not sure where to go from here...

So the last time I blogged, a week and a half ago, things were going pretty good. Don't they always go "good before the fall". I just hate where I am right now.

That weekend that I had that miraculous loss, well, that's when it all fell apart. See, that was the "going away" weekend for my in-laws. I guess we figured we wanted to spend as much time with them as possible before they left town (for a 4 or 5 months) so we went out to dinner on Saturday ... and Sunday ... and Monday ... and Tuesday. And, just in case you're wondering, I did not eat sensible at all ... on either of those 4 days.

By Wednesday morning, I was up 7 pounds.

Yes, that wasn't a typo ... I really gained 7 pounds!

And that's not the bad part. The bad part is that only 2 of those pounds came off by this past Saturday's weigh in.

So the way I understand quick gains like this is that they usually will come off relatively quickly (well most of it anyways) because most of it is just bulk that's left in your system that just has to have time to process through. And as long as you get right back on plan, most of the weight will come off just because of the biology of things

Except, it didn't.

And it still hasn't. I'm still up 5 pounds and my greatest fear--the fear that is taking me to my knees right now--is that those 5 pounds are going to be with me for a while.

Do you remember how long it took me to lose those precious 5 pounds?? Almost a year!!

I simply can NOT go another year and lose those same 5 pounds again! I can't do it! I can't!

Those five pounds were supposed to come off after I got back to my regular plan of eating my points and exercising.

I mean, after all, I just joined the gym (actually, just a few days before the "eating fest"). And since I joined, I've been at the gym EVERY day (seriously). And 4 days a week, I go twice a day.

Here's my exercise schedule:

Every morning:

20 minutes cardio (either the stair climber (55-60 flights) or elliptical or arc trainer) = 2 Activity Points (AP) or 280 calories burned.

45 minutes weight training = 3 AP or 400 calories burned.

Four days a week:

Same thing as above then add a spin class in the evening = 8 AP or 750 calories burned.


So, 3 days a week I burn 680 calories and earn 5 AP and 4 days a week I burn 1430 calories and 13 AP.

Here's my total for each week: I burn 7760 calories and earn 67 AP.

...I think I'm going to the gym too much.

I can't stop, though. I haven't felt this great since ... I can't remember when.

But, why the heck am I not losing weight?!?!?

I swear I have not been cheating. I have been eating on plan, inside my daily points allowance, every day. Even this past Saturday and Sunday. I didn't splurge like I usually do. Not one bit!

My husband and I think it's because I'm gaining muscle. And you know what I have to say about that?! THAT IS THE EXACT REASON WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO START WORKING OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

For 3 1/2 years, now, I've heard how if I start working out, I'll probably gain muscle and because of that I have purposefully NOT worked out. I do not want to gain muscle. I do not want to gain weight. I've been doing just fine without working out for these past 3 years and still been able to lose weight just fine.

I don't know how to justify this, but I do know that I have gained 5 pounds and I do not want to and I am petrified of weighing in on Saturday. I took a "no-weigh-in" pass last week because I didn't want that number permanently in my weight loss log. I think if I see those extra 5 pounds marked permanently in my log I will cry. I just can't do it!