Why does it all have to be so hard...

I have really been so reluctant to post anything new on my weight loss blog lately.

Mostly I keep thinking that I've got nothing to post. But at the same time, I'm wrestling with so many things and then I can't figure out why I wouldn't want to blog, to get it all out there and get help through all of this.

So, here I am again. Blogging about my pathetic attempts at weight loss.

Since the last time I blogged, I've gained almost 10 pounds.

What ... the ... heck ... is ... wrong ... with ... me?!?!

Remember that wonderful book I was telling you about not too long ago? And the class that goes along with the book? Well, it seemed to be helping me. I mean, it was all making so much sense. I was finally starting to get a grasp on the whole concept of God helping me to lose weight. But then I stopped reading the book and I missed the last two meetings of the class.

Yup. That's me. Get all fired up about something, then lose interest in it and wonder why nothing ever changes.

On top of all that, I feel so out of control with my eating. I want to eat absolutely everything in sight. As I'm finishing eating one meal, I'm already planning the next meal or snack. It's consuming my every thought. I even had a nightmare the other night where I was at a convention with about 50 other people and I was the last one in line to get food from the buffet. By the time I got there, all the food was gone. I went into a panic. I kept searching and searching for food to be somewhere. Hidden somewhere that no one knew about. I couldn't find any.

And then tonight, my husband wanted to go to Panera to sit in a quite place and work on his website. So I brought my lap top along to keep me occupied. First thing I wanted to do when we walked through the door is order a pastry. I actually bargained and pleaded with David. Bless his heart, he kept telling me no, I didn't need it. He even tried reasoning with me and said if he let me get something would I regret it afterwards. I said assuredly, NO, I would not regret it. Truth be told, no, I would not feel a bit guilty after I was done eating the treat. I usually don't.

I almost had him talked into it when he said, okay, you can have something but if you do I get one too. Well, that did it for me. He's gained almost all of his weight back to square one and he wants to get it all off. He was so good today, too. Very sensible breakfast and lunch and for dinner, he didn't go back for seconds. No way was I going to let him ruin it all by a stupid little pastry.

But I tell you, if it hadn't been for that I seriously would have had a pastry and would not have felt one ounce of guilt or remorse.

My attitude lately is... I want to eat it, so I will, and I won't feel bad about eating it at all. Most times I feel so satisfied and complete and it isn't until I go to put on my size 16 jeans (which I had to pull out of the fat box because my 10s and 12s are ridiculously too small) that are getting too tight that I hate myself.

It's like I'm at war but I can't see the enemy and I don't know how to fight him.

How will I ever win the battle? Much less the war?