Wednesday, September 3, 2008

my journey into finding out who I really am on the inside...

Well, I went walking with the girls this morning and plan on going tomorrow, too. I'm back to my routine. Yea! Finally. Two weeks of not doing it was a drag. And I know me... once I stop doing it, it takes me the hardest time to start doing it again. You just don't know how bad I wanted to text the girls and tell them I was too tired to walk this morning. Man I hate walking. I love the company, though.

I lost a pound yesterday. Hope that trend keeps going. I have 4 more to lose before Saturday morning. I'm gonna do it!! I am!!

I just spent some time reading some of your blogs and I love reading about your lives and your weight loss journeys. That's what it's all about, you know?

I learned something fairly significant about myself yesterday. Actually, a colleague shed light on it. I won't get into the whole big story, but I learned that I have a problem admitting that I'm good at my job. Or my life, for that matter. I've always been the type to let others shine and to help them shine and when they succeed I feel my job was done well and that's my reward. I'm not the type to look for the spotlight or look for the "at-a-girl" for a job well done. My satisfaction comes from within.

But he (the colleague I was telling you about) brought it to my attention that I come across as very negative about the design work that I do. I've always thought I was a very talented designer and I've always thought I was proud of my work but I was showing him my portfolio the other day and afterwards he told me how I really put down my own work and it came across very negative. I had no idea. But you know, he was right. I totally put down every piece I'd designed.

But why?

Like I said, I've always thought my work was good and even great sometimes. But I kept picking it apart to the nth degree.

So I spent last night in contemplation about the conversation and I can't believe it but he was right. How can anyone else like my work if I don't. Sure I like my work, inwardly. But I have to like it outwardly in order for anyone else to like it or give it any merit.

About a year and a half ago I had applied for a job in one of the design departments where I currently work and I didn't get the job. I just assumed it was because they didn't like my portfolio or my design talent. Isn't that funny? I thought I wasn't talented enough. That's where my thoughts immediately went to when I didn't get the job.

This morning I went and talked with the guy I had originally interviewed with a year and a half ago and would you believe before I could say anything to him, he said he'd been wanting to talk to me for some time and he was so glad that I stopped by. And when I asked him why, he said because he never did tell me why he didn't hire me. I was astonished when he told me that he thought I was extremely talented and had a great portfolio of work. I couldn't believe it. So why didn't he hire me? He was looking for a different type of designer to fit a specific need in his department. I couldn't believe that. Here all this time I thought I wasn't good enough and all this time I was totally good enough.

I am good enough.

I'm a great designer.

I'm also a great person and I need to give myself credit for that. Outwardly.

God made me this special and wonderful person and I shouldn't be ashamed of my flaws or shortcomings because the gifts He gave me far out way the little things that don't really even matter. And I can't believe it's taken me all these years to see that.

So this is the first day of the rest of my life of being proud of the person, designer, mom, friend, co-worker, daughter, sister and wife that my God made me to be.

Go me!



Deborah said...

I've always known that you are great in every aspect! I'm so glad that you finally found out.

Donna B said...

Congrats on getting back to your exercise plan. You are the one that inspired me to get a bike and I have been a spaz now about biking 4 times a week. Now I am walking and doing resistance bacns in between. Congrats on your job situation. Again you sound like you were in the same situation as I was - and I am sure talking with your co-worker that filled you in on the reasons why you didn't get the job previously helped eased your mind. Keep up the good work!

~Crystal said...

GO YOU!! I'm happy you found out something about you that will now change your perspective about a good way! So woohoo!! :0)

I hate walking too so good job that you hate it but you went anyway!

Donna said...

Amen sister =) It's a beautiful thing when we stop listening to the voices that keep us from seeing and being the beautiful people that He created us to be. =)

Karyn said...

A very important discovery about yourself!

Have you read "The Shack"? Your post reminds me of somethig "Papa" keeps saying about different people ..... "I'm especially fond of him/her"..... I love to think that He is saying that about ME. And He is also saying it about CARA! He is ESPECIALLY fond of Cara. Because she is His masterpiece.

Good for you, on getting back to the walk!

->cara said...

Karyn, "The Shack"? Yes, I've read it. It's probably my most favorite book of all times. What an amazing book! It totally changed my perspective on things. It really mad God real for me. And, yes, "I'm especially fond of him" is my favorite line from the book. I say it to as many people as I can whenever they are in a bad place in their life. "You know, God is especially fond of you?".

I love that I've just learned that about myself. That I'm really worth it. And not just because I say so, but because God said so. I don't know how I've missed that all these years. God is so proud of me. And I need to be happy with that.