I'm perplexed ...

I wonder. Can the brain invent smells that really aren't there?

I was driving home from work last night and all of the sudden, out of the blue, I get a huge whiff of potato chips and dip. But just for one brief second. Then it was gone. But the windows were rolled up and there was no one and nothing in the car except for me. How did this happen?

But of course NOW I'm craving chips and dip so bad I can't see straight! I was doing fine, too. No cravings all week. Ugh!

I went walking again last night with my WW group. There were actually fewer of us last night than the night before. Oh, well. We had a blast anyways. I post a picture later. Another lady took a picture of us all and she's gonna email it to me.

I'm in a dilemma. I know, you're saying, Cara when are you NOT in a dilemma. And, no, it's not the Pound for Pound Challenge. :] It's my weight. I'm steady gaining this week and I have no idea why.

I have not splurged or over indulged. Not even on Saturday or Sunday. I've eaten within my points every day. I've exercised every day, but not over doing it, so I'm sure it's not muscle gain. It's not around that time of the month. I just don't get it. I've been up between 2/10ths and 4/10ths every day. I've accumulated a total of 1.8 pounds since weigh in on Saturday. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Maybe it is the exercise. I thought my legs were sore, but I realize now its just my right calf. I think I pulled a muscle last Friday and it's still nagging me. My legs, other than that, really feel fine. I only did walking twice this week and I have to be honest with myself and say that I did not over exert myself there. The walking was more like walking through a park or around a mall. I didn't burn alot of calories either time. I did the Gazelle twice this week but only for 15 minutes each time. But this is supposed to help me lose weight not gain.

I know they say you gain muscle when you exercise. But this is ridiculous. I'm not really exercising. I'm just moving more. So there shouldn't be any muscle gain to it. Then what the heck is it?!?

All I want is to lose 100 pounds. That's all I want. Is that so much to ask. I swear, I'm NOT sabotaging myself this time. I haven't had any of the tendencies I had before. I'm steady and focused and loving it. I don't think I'm stressed about anything. I mean, any more than usual. Yes, my life is plenty stressful, but who's isn't right now anyways.

Oh, well. Steady on. I was joking with my WW leader last night that I hope I can get my 100 pounds by NEXT Thanksgiving. I was supposed to reach it this past Thanksgiving. The way I'm going, it might be Thanksgiving of 2010.

Quick update...

I didn't exercise yesterday, but I made up for it today. I did the Gazelle for 15 minutes at lunch time again and I went for an hour long walk with my Weight Watchers buddies this evening. I'm making this post short, but I just wanted to keep myself accountable to my promise to exercise every day this week.

Also, I found that I have another week to log in my weight on the Pound for Pound Challenge. The only thing is, I'd have to lose 2 pounds in order to log a 1 pound loss. I checked it out and I can't enter in a gain and the lowest amount of weight I can enter is a whole pound.

(Oh, and Karyn, here's a link to what the Gazelle is: click here.)

In a panic about gaining a pound...

Weigh in yesterday was a bit upsetting, but not a total loss.

I gained 8/10ths of a pound.

:(

I had wanted to lose 8/10ths of a pound so I could get a paperclip and so I could be at my lowest weight in over 20 years. Now I'm 1.6 lbs away from my paper clip.

I'm not down and out, though. I know exactly what I did. Or rather didn't do. I didn't exercise. I went on that fabulous bike ride last Sunday and that was it, except for 15 minutes on the Gazelle at lunch time on Friday (which, by the way, I'm still incredibly sore from—can you believe it, only 15 minutes and 2 days later I still can't walk from being so sore).

So this is why is wasn't a total bust. I am motivated to exercise every day this week. Even if it is for 15 minutes at lunch on the Gazelle. I already went on another Sunday morning bike ride (an hour and 45 minutes, 1800 calories burned, AND I found a new trail).

Can I just say something about the Gazelle? I don't know if you guys have ever tried a Gazelle or even heard of one, but this is an EXCELLENT exercise machine. We bought ours like 10 years ago (or so) and we've used it maybe a total of 50 times. Hubby started using it last week and for like 3 days afterward he was complaining of how his legs were sore. I thought this was a little funny because he'd only been on the machine for like 10 or 15 minutes.

UNTIL FRIDAY.

I was so upset that I hadn't exercised at all last week so I said to myself, I'm at least going to exercise for 15 minutes. So I haphazardly hopped onto the Gazelle and went to town on it for 15 minutes. I should have known something was up when I stepped off the thing and could barely walk. Not because of pain, but because of weakness. My legs were so wobbly. Then I woke up Saturday morning and almost couldn't walk. I was so darn sore from that measly 15 minutes on the Gazelle.

I'm still sore—2 and a half days later.

So now I owe hubby a huge apology for thinking he was being silly for acting so sore after only 10 minutes on the machine.

So anyway, this week I'm going to exercise every day. Be it walking, running or a few minutes on the Gazelle. I will lose this week!

On a slightly different subject, something sad happened the other night. I got an email from the Pound for Pound challenge (see my badge over to the right and down a little). It told me that it's time to log in my weight loss so they can donate 1 pound of food to people in need for every full pound I've lost.

I couldn't remember when I signed up for the challenge so I didn't know when my start date was for my weight loss period so I went to their website and saw that the challenge began on December 15, 2008 and ends April 27, 2009. So I went to the Weight Watchers website and pulled up their absolutely spectacular new Weight Tracker and punched in a date range of December 15th the current date and that's when something very depressing happened. I discovered that I'd actually gained a pound during that time span.

Gulp.

I can't enter in a gain. Do you think they'll take a pound of food back from the starving children if I post a gain? Ugh!

So now what? Do I post the 1 pound gain? Will they even allow me to post a gain??

I'm so panicked about this. I only have until tomorrow to enter my results.

Do I just not post my results?

They'll think I forgot or worse yet, they'll think I'm one of those dead beats who starts a challenge and never finishes it.

I'm so upset. What do I do???

Attach if the killer food smells...

So yesterday morning, just before lunch, I was sitting there minding my own business at work when all of the sudden I was clobbered over the head with this luscious smell coming from the cube just next to mine. I had no idea what it was, but oh man did it smell wonderful!

So I started getting hungry.

I had a banana. But that didn't satisfy the cravings that had now sat in. It smelled like pot roast with gravy.

Well, by the time I made it home, I was ravenous. Mind you, I probably wasn't even hungry, but that was beside the point. I wanted to eat everything in the house.

I sat down to my turkey wrap (which, by the way I absolutely adore!) and a cup of yellow squash & onions I made the other day (see, I'm thinking ahead, planning my menus days in advance to I make sure to eat healthy).

That wasn't enough.

I fried an egg (in bacon grease, mind you).

Very tasty, but that didn't do the trick.

I drank half a bottle of water, but nothing doing, I was craving something, anything, as long as it was food.

I went to the cupboard and you know what I found?? Doritos!! Doh!!

We splurged a little this past weekend and had taco salad for dinner one night so there were Doritos left over. I grabbed the bag and plopped down on the couch and went to town on it.

My finger tips were covered in Doritos dust. It made me think of that commercial on tv where the lights go out and these two people sitting on the couch snacking on a bowl of some sort of cheesy crackers or chips look at each other as their fingers and mouth glow in the dark from the bright orange residue of the cheesy crackers. I swear, if the lights had out just then, you'd see me glowing with Doritos dust.

I went to town on the bag until maybe 50 chips were gone. Double-handed eating, too.

Then I stopped and started getting a little queasy. I think the turkey, mustard, lettuce, yellow squash & onions, fried egg and Doritos were at war with each other in my stomach (I don't know why).

I put the bag down and went and washed my hands and face. I put the bag back in the cupboard and walked away like nothing had happened. No one was here after all. No one saw it. Back to an old habit I had when I was a hundred pounds heavier. Some things will just plain haunt me my whole entire life.

Then last night for dinner, hubby wanted to go to the neighborhood deli. We get a 30% discount there so I was game. They have lots of healthy things to eat there, so I was covered.

Hubby got there first (I was stuck at work as usual) so he got to the restaurant first. When I finally got there, I sat down and he said "oh, no, I didn't know you were going to be here so soon, I ordered some potato skins to munch on until you got here".

Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

Potato skins with gobs of cheese and real bacon bits with tons of sour cream is one of my favorite appetizers--ever!

(I ordered orange-chicken salad with fresh veggies and a salad.)

I am so proud of myself. When the potato skins got to the table, I did not eat one of them. I didn't even pick at the tops of one of them to eat a bacon chip or anything. It was extremely difficult, but I resisted throughout the entire meal. Yes, there was one left on the plate and it sat there through the entire meal until hubby finally at it as "dessert".

So today just before lunch time I smell that heavenly smell again. I reached for my banana but then it hit me. That smell is what made me go crazy at lunch yesterday. It set me up for failure. It made me crave food--any food.

So I remembered that they'd sent a memo around about a month ago asking people to not eat at their desks (for this very reason). So I walked over and very kindly ask her to not eat food like that at her desk. I explained what the smell does to me and how it effected me yesterday. She totally understood and covered it up immediately. The smell went away and I did fine at lunch today.

Turkey wrap and squash & onions.

Whew. Disaster averted.


P.S. The food she was eating was home made lentil soup. I don't know how I got pot roast out of that, but that's what it smelled like to me. :]

Not just your average ordinary bike ride...

Well, I went biking again this fine Sunday morning. It was another great ride. Actually, it was more like spectacular.

Before I even got out on the road, I text'd hubby to tell him when I'd be back and the text wouldn't go through. Ugh! So I called the 611 number and found out that my cell phone had been "temporarily disconnected". What!? It ends up what happened (after 20 minutes pacing back and forth in my driveway on hold and on the phone arguing with this lady and her manager) that the payment that I'd scheduled to be made (automatically) on the 10th never went through. Finally the manager (2nd person I talked to) saw that it was their mistake and turned my phone back on—with apologies!

Not a great way to start an exercise session. 8|

Deep breath.

I started out by choosing Memoirs of a Geisha for my soundtrack for the ride (you can listen to sample tracks from that link). It set the perfect backdrop for an absolutely beautiful ride.

So as I rolled down the driveway (finally), I noticed it was down right cold. I started to go back in and put on long sleeves, but I just didn't want to go through any more hassle so I convinced myself that it would get warmer before my ride was over and I wouldn't even notice it. I don't think it ever really warmed up, though.

The only times it would get a little warmer was when the sun would peak out between the trees. The sun was still coming up and so it was behind the trees. And the shade was very cold.

But the dew on the grass was beautiful. The sun would skim across the tops of the dew drops on the fluffy mounds of grass to where it made it look like a light frost had fallen overnight. And the sun was shimmering off the misty water drops so the grass just glistened on either side of the trail.

The ride was so peaceful, too. The music really helped get me focused on the road but no so focused that I didn't become completely absorbed by my surroundings. And there was almost no one on the trail or on the roads. It's like everyone got together this morning and decided to stay in until I was done with my ride. I'll bet I saw maybe 3 other people on the trail and maybe 10 cars altogether on the roads. I was really able to clear my head and focus on me.

Whenever the music would build, my eyes would become fixed on the canopy of trees or a pond of radiant water. All the houses I passed by had such beautiful landscaping. Some had palm tree jungles in the front yards that made me feel like I was riding on a trail through the woods.

And the squirrels were out in force. I saw one, when I first started out, that took off running out of terror but he was running at the same pace I was riding right along side me. It's like I was racing a squirrel for a few seconds (til he made it to the safety of his tree). Same thing happened on the way back. Several squirrels darted across my path at different points in my ride, too.

I heard woodpeckers at 2 different places. A huge beautiful white crane swooped down next to me and landed in a small pond. And just before I headed back, I saw some ducks taking a bath in a lake. I even saw a beautiful bright red cardinal.

It was such a peaceful and rejuvenating ride, I didn't want to come back. At about 40 minutes out I had a choice in the road. I could turn left and head back for home, which was about 25 minutes away or I could turn around and go back the way I came and experience that awesome ride all over again. But it would take me 40 minutes to get back home and I'd already promised I would be back by a certain time. I know, I could have called/text'd to say I'd be longer, but I hate doing that. I like to be dependable. So I made the "right" choice and forced my bike to turn left and head for home.

The peace de la resistance was on my way home. I passed by a huge field or bright green grass surrounded by a barbed wire fence. The fence was right up next to the trail. And like out of no where, there were these huge, beautiful, red-brown cows. They were grazing right up next to the trail. It took my breath away. I rode right past them then turned around and came back and took this picture. One of them stopped grazing for a moment to look up at me. Probably wondering who I was and what the heck I was doing. Was awesome!

Once I pulled into our community, I still didn't want to go home so I headed around the community loop once. My last bit of rebellion. As I pulled into the driveway, I desperately wanted to keep on going. But alas, my epic bike ride came to an end.

All in all, I only went 9.5 miles in a litte over an hour. I went real slow for the most part, but kept it in a low (or is it high) gear (I can never remember what's high and what's low—the one I stayed in for most of the ride was the one where it's REAL hard to peddle). I was able to burn a little over 1,100 calories. So that was wonderful.

I'd had oatmeal with almond milk and bananas before I left so I was full of energy. But I did a bad thing when I got back and fried 3 pieces of bacon and 2 eggs with a piece of toast for my "elevenses". I thoroughly enjoyed it!

So starts a new and fresh week. As I said yesterday, I'm 4/10ths of a pound from the lowest weight I've ever been and I'm 8/10ths of a pound away from getting another paper clip and I'm 2.8 pounds away from my ominous 100 pound goal! I'm NOT, I repeat, NOT going to sabotage myself again. I'm having a great weekend—food-wise. I'm not feeling deprived. Deep breath. I can do this.

Anyone up for a walking challenge?

I feel so bad that I haven't been blogging lately. I've had so much I want to blog about but no time to blog it. Ugh!

Okay, so first I'll start off with my weigh in today.

I lost 1.4 pounds!!!

Woo hoo!!!

I'm now down to 168 pounds (again—I first hit 168 last November).

I'm now 4/10ths of a pound from the lowest weight I've ever been (which I achieved last December 13th) and I'm 8/10ths of a pound away from getting another paper clip and I'm 2.8 pounds away from my ominous 100 pound goal!

Oh, wait, do you know what I mean by paper clip? Some of you who are new might not know what I'm talking about. Here's a link to a blog post of mine that talks about it and shows a picture of my paper clip chain. Sad to say, that post was from Dec 13th, the last time I actually GOT a paper clip.

Anyways!

So I didn't do any exercise this past week except for that mondo bike ride I had on Sunday. But I did stay on points. Yea!

Something cool happened this morning. At WW, our leader asked me and David to be co-captains of our class's WW walking team. What it is, is WW is starting a new walking challenge called The Momentum Walk-It Challenge and what they're doing is encouraging members to participate in a 5K event between Apr 12 and Jun 6. And they're giving away a bunch of helpful stuff to participate. But besides all that free stuff, the exciting part is that we're going to be team leaders!

I'm so psyched!

We passed around a sign up sheet and I got everybody's names and email addresses so we can rally our team together to do a 5K event together.

And our leader has already found a great one for us to do. It's on the 4th of July, which is a Saturday, which would normally be when our meeting is going on anyway, so it's absolutely perfect!

I can't wait to get started. We've been talking and I think what we're going to do is create a blog for all of the participants to come to and check in to find out what's going on and who's doing what and when and where and all that. Because we're going to have to have "training" sessions between now and the 4th of July to get ready for the big event. So we'll plan when and where to meet and go walking to get ready.

Sounds like so much fun, doesn't it?

Now we have to come up with a team name. Got any suggestions? Our leaders name is Ned and we meet on Saturday mornings and we're in Lake Mary. Anything???

Okay, I'll leave you with one last thought. I heard this on a TV show last week and it really struck me as profound.

Time is priceless,

Yet it costs us nothing.

You can do anything you want with it,

But you can't own it.

You can spend it,

But you can't keep it.

And once you've lost it,

There's no getting it back.

It's just gone.

So let's not waste another minute. Who's with me?

P.S. Herbalife Las Vegas, I made the background of my blog myself. I created it in Photoshop using many, many different graphical elements and using filters and color modes, etc. Thank you for the compliment! And Jinxxxygirl, yea, I haven't mentioned the knee injury much. I was hoping it would go away. It only bothers me when I run, so. I do need better shoes, I know, but can't afford it. So I'll just exercise other ways until I can.

.

I had a GREAT bike ride...

Okay, first, weigh in yesterday.

Gained 4/10ths of a pound.

Hmph!

Last week, I ate my points. Between 17 & 24 on any given day (except for Saturday where I ate almost all of my flex points in one bag of Cheetos). I did exercise, but only one night when I ran 3.5 miles (well, actually, I ran/speed walked).

So this week, I'm going to do the same exact thing I did last week with one exception...

I'm going to exercise every day.

I'm going to try and mix it up some, too. Like one day I'll bike. The next I'll run. The next I'll walk, etc.

I started my week off great. I bikes this morning. And it wasn't just any biking route. I biked for 2 HOURS.

I had a BLAST!

I started out at around 7:30 and it was still a little misty. Was beautiful the way the morning sun was shining through the mist through the trees. I went trail the whole way. There's a 13-mile trail that picks up about a mile from my house. So I got on the trail and headed out. I figured I ride for an hour and then just stop, turn around and head back.

I ended up going 18.5 miles altogether (9.25 out and 9.25 back).

I've never gone that far on the trail before. The farthest I've ever been on the trail is about 5 miles (10 miles round trip).

So after I passed the 5 mile mark, I was in new territory. And what beautiful territory it was. The new part of the trail started behind a quaint little deli. And behind that was a cow farm. So there was this beautiful old wooden fence that lined the trail between the trail and the cow farm, where the cows were grazing. The mist gave way but the trees took over the skies. The trail was lined with tall thick green trees on either side.

And there were a TON of people on the trail. The trail I usually go on might only have 1 or 2 people on it. I must have passed 50-75 people on this part of the trail. Walkers, runners, bicyclers, tricyclers, speed walkers, roller bladers and dog walkers.

I even saw a dog in a baby sling across the front of this one woman's chest. It was a healthy sized black cocker spaniel. The sling was black too. I thought at first, how funny. But I'm sure there was a good reason. If the dog was bigger, I'm sure it had something wrong with it. I imagined as I went on down the path how it might have been a sad thing that happened to cause it to where the dog can't go on walks any more but you know how much dogs LOVE going on walks so this was probably the owner's way of getting the dog out on walks again. (My mind sure keeps me amused.)

The trail was just beautiful. I know I've said that before. But it really was. After an hour, I stopped to turn around and I was at a major milemarker, well, for me anyways. It was a road that I used to walk down with a friend of mine when I first started walking. It's actually in the next town over. I used to drive to her house and then we'd walk down this road. So it was really cool that my halfway point was this road.

After I got back onto the old part of the trail, I ran up against some "group" of bikers. About 10 or 12 bicyclers came out of a parking lot in front of me onto the trail. They were going kinda slow so I eventually got up behind them and went over to the left to pass them and as soon as I get right next to them, this little 10-year-old swirves right out in front of me and I have to come to almost a complete stop. It wouldnt' have been so bad except that I was on an up hill. Oh my goodness! I said excuse me. Nothing. I said, coming up on your left. Nothing. Finally one of the adults said "Alex, move over". But he had to say it 3 more times before Alext finally moved over. By then I was almost completely stopped. I had to dig in deep to get moving again and to get past them. Ugh!!

My heart rate went up to 182 while trying to pass the bunch of bicyclers. After that I was wiped. I still had another 4 1/2 miles to get home. It was rough, but I did it.

All in all, it was a GREAT bike ride.

My legs were sore for a couple hours afterwards and now I feel fine.

I burned almost 1900 calories.

Score!

Tomorrow I think I'll go for a walk in the evening. Something every night.

.

Why can't I see what's in front of me?

I was listening to a new CD today and found a song that had lyrics that really spoke to me. These lyrics really reiterated my life over the past 6 months. Check this out:

I see the door that I can't open.
Adding locks from time to time.
When it opens something blocks me.
And I'm asking myself why.

Did I take the steps I wanted?
Was it just a state of mind?
I feel sorry for myself every time I close my eyes.
And I fall into a hole and I can take no more.

Why can't I see what's in front of me?

What's behind the door, I wonder.
Must be brighter than my past.
Will I feel a little different when I take myself across?
Was it really worth the journey; was it just a foolish task?

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense to you guys, but to me, it really speaks my soul. I've been standing at this door wondering what's in front of me for so many months. The "door" being my 100-pound goal. I've been seeing this door, wanting to open it, but instead, I keep adding locks to it, making it harder to open. (I see the door that I can't open. Adding locks from time to time.)

Then on those few chances that I could actually open the door (maybe lost a pound or two) I'd find that something had blocked my entrance through the door (maybe I gained a pound or two). (When it opens something blocks me.) And I'd ask my self "Why?". And I'd question myself. What did I do wrong? (Did I take the steps I wanted? Was it just a state of mind?) I know I must have done this to myself. I sabotaged myself.

Then I'd start to ask "why me". Why can't I just lose this darn weight? (I feel sorry for myself every time I close my eyes.) My contemplation of my situation just made me feel more and more inadequate and further and further away from my goal.

Then I would wallow in my self-pity and self-doubt. (And I fall into a hole and I can take no more.) Wondering if I'd ever make it to my 100 pound goal?

Would I ever make it? (Why can't I see what's in front of me?)

I never gave up, though, because I know what's on the other side of the door. Victory. (What's behind the door, I wonder. Must be brighter than my past.) It's gonna be great when I can finally reach that goal, right?

But all the while wondering if it was all worth it. Should I give up. Should I say "I've achieved" and be done with it? (Will I feel a little different when I take myself across? Was it really worth the journey; was it just a foolish task?)

You know what? This song really speaks to the way I used to be. The feelings I used to have. I'm no longer in that place. My 100-pound goal is just that. A goal. A goal is something you set in front of you and you use as a destination. A place to keep your eye focused on so as to have a path to go down. To keep things level and make sense.

But a goal shouldn't be something that consumes your every thought. Your every waking moment. Constantly bombarding your brain with things like "will I ever reach my goal?" "can I even reach that goal?" or even "who needs a goal anyway?".

I'm just coming to terms with this. That my goal should be just that. Something I focus my eye on to keep me on the right path. My goal will no longer rule my life. The thing about a goal is that it'll always be there. At least until it's reached. And until it's reached, I'll keep my eye on it. But not so much that it ruins my life.

After all, I've lost 96 pounds over the past 2 years. Yea me!!

I feel so much better being able to put this "goal" in its place.

--

On a slightly different note, WW has changed their Weight Tracker and I LOVE it!!

One of the new features is that you can put in a date range and it'll tell you how much you've lost (or gained) over that range.

Wanna hear something sad?

I punched in from the beginning of September (08) to now and you know how much I've lost since then?

7.2 pounds.

That's so sad.

7 MONTHS.

7 POUNDS.

That's sad.

But you know what. I'm okay with that. Really I am. A few weeks ago, I would have thrown my hands up in the air and said heck with it. But now, I'm really fine with it. I'll lose the weight when I lose the weight and not one minute sooner. No more pressure. No more stress. Just keep doing what I'm doing and enjoy life.

Right?

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Running and walking and loving it...

I finally went running.

I don't know why I put it off for so long. I so enjoy it when I do it. I feel so empowered. So strong. So free.

I started out tonight about an hour before sunset. It was a little chilly out so I put on two t-shirts and my long workout pants. I had my phone in one hand, my water bottle in the other and my iPod on my hip.

I took a quick walking lap around the community to warm up. 5 minutes. Then out the community into the neighborhood to start running.

Of course, I started strong. I always start too strong. I tried to keep my pace steady, though, so I wouldn't wear myself out before I hit the 2 mile mark.

The sidewalks were empty. I figure by 7pm everyone's inside either finishing up for dinner, doing their homework, or getting settled in for the evening. I didn't even pass any dog walkers.

I passed two bikers (bicyclers, that is) just before the tunnel. I should have turned right at the tunnel, but I chickened out. If I'd have turned right, I would have racked up another mile before I could get home. But I was afraid my knee would start aching so I didn't want to chance it. I was also afraid that if my pace was too slow, it would be dark before I get home. And I do not want to be out after dark.

So I turned left at the tunnel and caught my second wind. I felt great. I got to a little over a mile, and darn it if my knee didn't start aching. Man! I didn't want to push it. I didn't want it to start hurting, so I slowed down. Or rather, that was my intention. I figured I'd start walking rather than running. But I wanted to burn some extra calories so I walked real fast.

The my fast walk turned into speed walking. I've never speed walked before. I felt so silly.

I have to admit, I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to speed walkers. I've always thought they looked so silly. I always want to chuckle when I see a speed walker. It just looks funny to me, what can I say.

But I kicked it into high gear and I think my speed walking pace was quicker than my running pace. And I was able to keep my heart rate up between 155 and 165. Wow! I'd never walked with a heart rate that high before. It felt great!

But then I got to the part of the neighborhood where it becomes a major intersection where there's a grocery store and a Target and a BUNCH of trendy shops and lots of traffic. I started feeling self-conscious and started to turn around and head back the way I came so no one would see me speed walking.

But then I thought "Cara, you're being stupid". I'm speed walking and I'm proud of it. I'm burning calories. I'm out here doing it. No one else is! They're all driving by on their way from here to there. I, on the other hand, am out here exercising my butt off.

So I proudly turned the corner and picked up the pace. I speed walked the entire way home. My knee felt great. My HR was great. I never go tired or bored. Great run/walk!

I burned almost 700 calories, too! Woohoo!!

I've been doing great on my points this week. I'm hoping to just drop 6/10ths of a pound this week. That'll bring me to my lowest weight since November.

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Accepting my body image...

Well, I lost 2 pounds this week. After gaining 2.6 pounds last week, at least I'm headed in the right direction again. Yea!

I've really been trying to focus in on me and not on how much I weigh or how much I gain or lose this week. I stood in the mirror yesterday looking at how slim I look. I don't do that very often. I mostly see so much fluff bulging out on the sides that I just won't allow myself to see that I'm really not all that fat. I mean compared to when I started WW almost 2 years ago when I weighed 265 pounds, I think I look pretty darn good.

I get uncomfortable, though, seeing myself as slim. I'm afraid that I'll become happy with it and not be motivated to keep losing. I mean, so many people tell me that I look great and that I don't need to lose any more weight. When I tell them I have 30-40 pounds to go, they usually say "WHAT!!??" and then say something like 'there's no way you need to lose that much weight'. Okay, that's a huge compliment, I have to see that and admit that to myself and take it and own it. But, secondly, I don't want to listen to it and own it too much because I know me. I know I take what people say to heart and I start believing it after a while. So if I start believing that I don't need to lose any more, then I won't be motivated to stay on plan.

It's quite a predicament!

I do want to embrace my new body image and be proud of it. I am. I do want to embrace and relish in the compliments. I deserve them. But how do I combine that with the attitude that I need to have to continue to lose? I need to continue to see that I have extra weight on my body that needs to come off. How can you look at that and be proud of it and still want it gone all at the same time? It's like a constant struggle. Who needs that? Is it even healthy? It's like a constant self-induced struggle.

I'm not sure how to balance it. I just keep going back and forth. I look good. I need to lose more weight. I am slim. I still have fluff that needs to come off. Etc., etc.

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Today's rambelings...

I'm really liking Twittering my food. It's so much quicker than using WW's points tracker. I think it helps that I already know the points of the food I eat. I've been doing this for almost 2 years ya know.

I really like that it's like jotting down a note. Real quick. Twit and then 2 seconds later I'm off to the next thing in my life. Then all I do is take 2 minutes at the end of my day to copy and paste the code from Roni's website to post it on mine.

Oh, and to answer MizFit's question, I set up a separate Twitter account that only I have the address for. The only way someone could find me is if they did a search for one of the words I twittered. I don't have any followers and I won't follow anyone on that account. To keep it as private as it can be on Twitter.

Enough about Twittering.

I didn't run yesterday. No particular reason. I know I'm having a hard time finding the motivation. I had been hooked on running for quite a while. Now it's hard to get out there. I always find something "more important" in my life that needs to be taken care of. Then it gets dark and it's too late. I do want to go running tonight, though. I'm hoping I can find motivation for it. I have a new CD that I thoroughly enjoyed the last time I ran. I'm hoping it will motivate me to get out there. It's great. It's not my usual style of music, either. They're an Israeli electronica group called Infected Mushroom. They're supposedly really huge in Europe, but I'd never heard of them. I found them in a random tweet completely unrelated to what I was looking for.

I thought you guys might like to know that I've written a few articles on the new Fitago website. I'm trying my hand at writing. I've never done it professionally but I've always had a passion for it. I think that's why I absolutely LOVE working for a publisher (though I'm in the graphics field). Fitago is a really cool website, too. It's just started. I have to disclaim that my husband is the owner of the site. It's a passion of his. He's always wanted to have a website where people can come together and share their experiences with each other and grow from it all and become better individuals. So he's channeled it into a fitness/health venue. Anyways, I didn't want to do a blatant plug for his site, but I was proud of the articles I'd written so I thought I'd share that with you guys.

Oh, and I made these very yummy muffins last night. I'm so proud of the way they turned out. They're whole wheat bran muffins. The recipe has real eggs, sugar, shortening and is still only 2 points each. Those nasty ingredients help it taste so rich and moist. Then the bran and whole wheat flour make it healthy and good for your heart and weight loss. Check out the recipe here if you want to try it out. I originally got the recipe from my mom. They're absolutely fabulous!

So onward and upward. One day at a time. I'm staying on points. I'm not obsessing about my weight (well, not much). I'm trying to keep it all in perspective. I'm taking a deep breath. One step at a time. I'm gonna make it.

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