Small steps on a Saturday...

Okay, first of all, please excuse my blog design changes. I had a perfectly wonderful (in my humble opinion, being as I created it) blog design going on but the background image somehow got deleted from the server and I can't find a back-up of it and so I'm left with using Blogger's new "template design" thingiemabobber which is driving me nuts.

But I digress...

Weigh in this morning!!

I lost 1.6 lbs.

Normally I'd be completely doing cartwheels (if I could) over this loss, but I've had this type of loss A LOT over the past few months, only to be followed by a 2 or 3 or 4 pound gain the very next week. So my challenge for now is to keep it off for just one week. That's a huge challenge for me right now.

So we'll see how it goes.

I didn't do too bad on my eating plan today. We ate at this new chinese buffet today (we always go out on Saturday afternoons with my in-laws) that was actually VERY VERY good even if I'm NOT a huge chinese food fan. I should have stopped at one plate full but I went for one and two-thirds of a plate full. And I have no idea how to judge the points. I had a few dumplings, 3 or 4 pieces of fried shrimp, maybe a half a cup of pork lo mein, something called cantonese noodles, a small piece of stuffed flounder, a few pieces of crab rangoon, and a few other things that were just one piece here and one piece there. So I'm just going to say it was 25 points plus and leave it at that. No clue.

But the rest of the day I was good so far as my food choices go.

The most important part was the self-talk I carried with me through the day. Every time my obsession with thinking about and planning for food came up, I'd try to refocus my thoughts on Him or whatever else was going on at the time. I'm really trying to refocus my food thoughts so I can get control over my constant cravings.

I read some more in the Made to Crave book and I'm really loving it. Chapter 5 is amazing -- "Made for More". Listen to this "We need a power beyond our frail attempts and fragile resolve."

Boy do I ever. I have been banging my head against the cravings wall for so long (my frail attempts) and so far, I just keep giving in to them (my fragile resolve). Here's a prayer she put in the chapter that really spoke to me:

God, I recognize I am made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I need to eat to live, not live to eat. So, I keep asking for Your wisdom to know what to eat and Your indwelling power to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me.

How simple is that truth?

So all day I kept asking for His help to keep the food thoughts out of my head. I can't say that I didn't dwell on it a bit more than I should have, but it was less than I thought about it yesterday. So one tiny step forward. I'll take what I can get.

I'm glad some of you have already ordered or downloaded the book. She has a whole website FULL of resources that go with the book. If you're not sure if you want to buy it, she has a 21 day challenge you can sign up for via email and it's what hooked me on getting the book because it has little nuggets from the book. There's a bunch more there, so check it out.

By the way, I am in no way associated with her, her organization or her publisher. Actually, I work for a rival publisher of hers. That's how I found the book in the first place--her publisher advertised the book in one of our magazines.

Well, onward and upward. Let's see if I can make it through Sunday without obsession over food or even worse, giving into my Sunday cravings.

Turning onto a new path in my weight loss journey...

I've turned a corner in my weight loss journey.

Well, no, wait a minute... not in my weight loss journey, but in my heart.

The most I can hope from this turn, is to not do a u-turn and head back down the path I've been on for the past couple of years.

As many of you might know, I've been on Weight Watchers since May 2007. So in a couple of months, I'll have been trying to reach my goal weight for FOUR YEARS. (yikes) I still haven't reached goal. 

Sure, I've reached major milestones along my journey, all of which I'm extremely proud of, but I haven't reached my ultimate goal weight yet.

Well, now I hope with this new turn, I can get there.

A little bit of history about my weight loss journey, for those of you who are new. Weight Watchers has taught me SO much about how to eat right. It's taught me what foods are good for my body and bad for my body. It's taught me that I can eat whatever I want to eat as long as I eat responsibly and watch my portions. It's taught me proper exercise. And an all around healthy look at the way I eat.

I've also tried a few other diet plans along the way, though none of them I've stuck with for very long. Maybe even a few weeks at a time. But each time I dabbled in something different, I learned so much more about foods and how they interact with my body.

I learned a great deal from the Eat Clean Diet. Man, if you ever want to learn exactly what food does to your body, that's the place to start. My husband tried a medical weight loss diet and I learned  a lot from his journey about carbs and sugars and protein and how they break down in your body for the good and bad.

So, all in all, I'd say I have a pretty good grasp on how to diet, or rather how to eat right and exercise to lose weight.

But here I sit, still 30 pounds from my ultimate goal (20 pounds from my Weight Watchers goal).

I was almost at my wits end when I recently stumbled across a lady who'd written a book about cravings. It started me to thinking about how throughout the 200+ blog posts and 4 years of daily eating and exercise habits, it has always come back to cravings for me. That's always been my down fall.

My cravings are SO bad. I'm sure you can all identify with it. A real good visual is the orange fuzzy monster that Weight Watchers came out with a couple of years ago to represent the "cravings monster" who stalks us and follows us wherever we go. I can say I've never physically seen that monster in my path, but I have definitely felt him emotionally and mentally taunting me and teasing me and making funny faces at me ALL THE TIME. My cravings are such a real and tangible thing.

So back to this book. It's by a lady named Lysa Terkeurst and it's called Made to Crave.

The book is about how God made us to crave, but not necessarily to crave food but more to crave Him. Listen to this verse: "How lovely is your dwelling place, oh Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." (Psalm 84:1-2). It says 'my heart & flesh cry out for God'. If I had to be completely honest with myself, my heart and flesh cry out for cheese fries, juicy burgers, lasagna, cheese & bacon soup, coconut cream pie, bacon & onion mac & cheese, donuts and full fat lattes (though my list of "crying out for" foods, could continue for another paragraph or two, to be truly honest). And I'm afraid that I've let my cravings for food consume my craving for God.

Here's an excerpt from her book that really sums up how I feel right now. She's talking about her endless cycle of waking up each morning and weighing herself just hoping that the scales would be kind to her, but they never were, and so she'd step into the kitchen and each whatever yummy thing she could find for breakfast, and start the cycle of bad choices for another day only to repeat this process every morning. Anyway, here's the excerpt:

And the cycle I've come to hate and feel powerless to stop continues. ... But I did need to make changes. I knew it. Because this wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Really surrender. Surrender to the point where I'd make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

Part of my surrender was asking myself a really raw question.

May I ask you this same raw question? Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am a deeply spiritual person and I rely on my God and my Saviour, Jesus, for every breath I take and everything move I make. How could this be humanly possible that I could love food more than God?

But I think back over the past 4 years, heck, the past 44 years, and I can see where my life has almost always revolved around food. I schedule for it. I anticipate it. I devote serious amounts of time to food every day of my life. You might even say I'm a bit obsessive compulsive about my lovely food. 

So maybe there's something to what she's saying.

Well, that is where I am right now. This is the corner that I've turned. I have no idea what's around the corner, but I know that I need to reexamine myself and my heart and get my priorities and my cravings set straight.

I'm only on chapter 4, but I feel like I'm on chapter one of my weight loss journey. And I feel really good about that. I really feel that if I could knock my cravings, or at least get them under control, I could beat this weight loss thing.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes. I plan on journalling more frequently (I know, you've heard that before). I want to work through this new process a bit more and I'm gonna need your help to get me through it. We'll see where I go from here. I hope it's to a better place and a more sane reality for me. Because I just don't know how much longer I can stay on the path I'm on continuing to not reach goal.

...

P.S. If you're interested in the book, I can post more info about it. Just let me know.

I'm on my way back to running again...

I've been having problems lately. Four weeks ago, I gained a half a pound. Three weeks ago, I gained a pound and a half. Both of those weeks, I was on the new PointsPlus plan with Weight Watchers--to the letter.

So I took a break.

For 2 weeks, I didn't track anything I ate. I didn't go hog wild, like I've done in the past, but I did eat what I wanted to.

I consistently gained about 3 pounds each week.

This past week, I was back on the PointsPlus plan and I lost almost 2 pounds.

Who knows what's going on. I don't know why it didn't work for me before but it did now, but I'll take it. Maybe it was because of the break. It's gonna be interesting to see how next week goes.

I finally went to the sports orthopedist for him to look at my knee that I injured about a year ago when I was training for the marathon. It ends up I really wrecked my knee cap. It's sitting crooked on my knee socket and it's all ground down and rough with chips of bone floating underneath it.

He first asked my why I would want to run. I almost got up and walked out. I thought, who is he to question why I would want to run. But I explained to him about how I was almost 300 pounds when I first started my weight loss journey and how I was deathly afraid of running. But then I overcame my fear and once I found out that I could run and it wouldn't kill me it SO empowered me. I don't want to live my life without running.

He understood and gave me some good advice. It ends up I need to strengthen my leg muscles more. He's referred me to a physical therapist and also given me some exercises to do to build up my thigh muscles.

He said I will be able to run again, after I get my legs in shape first. He gave me a knee brace to where when I start running again that'll keep my knee cap in place.

I can't wait to start running again. I miss it terribly. Has anyone else fell in love with running? Or anything else that has empowered you that you were afraid of before?

Hang in there kid... right?

I've been having a bit of a tough time lately. And by lately, I mean within the past couple of weeks.

Back up a little over a month ago when I gained over 8 pounds during Christmas. Why do I continue to do this to myself? Now, I'm sure it'll take me months to get those 8 lbs off. I was able to get 4 of those pounds off a couple of weeks later... Total fluke!

Then week before last, I decided to go all out and emerge myself in the new Weight Watchers PointsPlus system.

So... I gained a half a pound that week.

Then, I thought, okay, maybe that was a fluke so I gave it another shot...

Gained a full pound last week.

I have to say, I'm so proud of my food choices. I'm eating the most balanced, smart menus I've ever eaten in my life. I'm eating 5 fruits and/or veggies each day. I'm getting in my healthy oils (2 tsp of canola or evvo) each day. I'm having 2 milk servings a day (fat free of course). Nothing but whole grains and lean meats. Plenty--plenty--of water each day.

So what gives?

Why the continual gain?

I'm not under a lot of stress, at home or at work. I'm not at that particular time of the month. I'm not eating too much sodium. Very little processed foods, just the bread and cereal.

It's very frustrating!

I even took my tracker to my WW meeting last week and I completely stumped 2 of my leaders. Ricardo said that all our bodies are different and to hang in there.

Well, I am. I'm hanging in there. Been hangin' in there for almost 4 years, now. I'm not gonna give up. I've tried just about every trick in the book. I've tried not focusing on the numbers (which is why I've been gone for so long).

I just don't know.

But this is me "staying with it". It's the only thing I have left.

Blogging...

I need to start blogging again. I miss you guys and I've been going through a lot of things lately.

So...

I will start blogging again!

See you soon. :]

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Reaching goal... sometime before I die

"Still haven't reached goal."

I think that's going to be my epitaph.

--

I started on Weight Watchers' new PointePlus plan last week. I started on Monday but my meeting wasn't until Saturday, so I was only half informed, but I gave it a try anyway.

I broke even--no loss, no gain.

I didn't eat all of my daily points. They say that'll effect your weight loss, or rather your lack thereof. So this week, I'm making it an effort to each all 29 points (or rather PointsPluses--just sounds so weird saying that like that).

So far, so good.

Saturday, we went to Disney and all we did all day long was ride the rides. There are only really 3 rides (adult rides, that is) in the park, so we spent the whole day hopping between those three rides--Thunder Mountain (the train), Spalsh Mountain (the water flume ride) and Space Mountain (the jerkiest most violent roller coaster one could ever go on).

We'd stand for about an hour then ride for 5 minutes--all... day... long.

Had a blast, though!

The best part was the activity points I got to rack up. Because I was on my feet for 12 hours straight (not counting the hour interspersed throughout the day when I was actually sitting on the rides), I racked up 40 activity points!

Woo hoo!

That really helped, because I didn't hold back while at the park. I had fried shrimp with a few fries then a hot fudge sundae and a huge bucket of popcorn.

Then Sunday wasn't much better.

But today I was back to my regular eating. Spent 29 points on my food today. I have 22 activity points left. I don't think I'll need them. Besides, I do plan on racking up a few more (hopefully several more) activity points this week. I want to start doing spin class again. It's so hard to get to, though, because it starts at 6pm and I get off work at 5:30 so I have to RUN straight from work to the gym and still have time to get changed before all the bikes are taken.

I have to say, though, that I'm not crazy about eating 29 points each day. I mean, heck, when I first started Weight Watchers almost 4 years ago, I was 100 pounds heavier and I had 34 points a day. It just seems like a huge step backwards for me. But I realize that the food carries more points than it used to with the old Points system. It still feels like I'm eating too much, though.

But being as I broke even last week, and did not each all 29 points each day, I'm trying to eat the 29 points each day and hopefully lose this week.

Sounds like such a weird strategy. But I'm willing to try ANYTHING at this point.

I just want to reach goal.

...in this lifetime!

Chobani is my favorite ingredient...

Today is casual Friday at work.

I LOVE casual Fridays!!

For a number of reasons that are work related, but one of my top five is getting to wear jeans. I HATE wearing professional clothes to work. The type of work I do, I don't interact with customers—EVER. So casual clothes would do me just fine all week long. But alas, I have my beloved casual day but once a week.

The coolest thing right now, though, is that even though I'm still up 3 pounds since before vacation, I feel PERFECT in my jeans!! They're not snug—AT ALL. They fit me like the jeans fairy made them especially for me.

Dear Blue Jeans,

I love you! Thank you for being so kind to me this morning.

Your pal, Cara

I thought I'd share something with you I made this past week that I REALLY like. I got the recipe from a southern magazine but then tweaked it a bit to my liking.

Of course the major change was taking out the cream cheese and substituting plain Chobani Greek Yogurt. It added a ton of protein to the dish, less fat, and I think added a bit more flavor to it overall.

I don't know if you guys have ever had Polenta, I hadn't. For me, it tasted kinda like a grits or cream of wheat type of dish. It's definitely a breakfast item.

The recipe was called Creamy Pumpkin Polenta but I changed it to:

CHO-Pumpkin Polenta

Here's how to make it:

• Boil 5 1/2 cups water with a tsp of kosher salt then add 1 1/3 cups corn meal. Stir until the mixture is nice and thick and creamy. About 10-15 minutes.

• Remove from heat and add one 6-oz container of vanilla Chobani Greek Yogurt (or you could use plain), 1 cup of pureed (or canned) pumpkin and 1 tsp nutmeg. Stir until well blended.

That's it!

Super easy to make and very, very yummy!! I totally look forward to eating it every morning. The recipe says it makes 6 servings of 3/4 cup each, but mine made seven 1-cup servings. Weight Watcher's points(R) value = 3 pts per cup. The recipe said it was 190 calories, but I'll bet it was less than that once I took out the cream cheese and substituted the Chobani.

This is a great breakfast. Tons of protein. Tons of fiber. Loads of flavor. And something different than your morning oatmeal.

Let me know if you try it. I'm curious how you like it.

155

Okay, so it's been a MONTH since my last post. I'm a total blogging dead-beat!

A lot has happened since then, but then again, not so much. Since then, I've lost a total of 5.2 lbs. But if you remember, I had just come back from vacation where I'd gained about 8.2 lbs (officially, according to Weight Watchers--unofficially I gained 12 lbs on my scales at home because there was a no-weigh-in pass that I took the week I got back).

I still have 3 more pounds to lose to be back to the weight I was before vacation--before the week of Sept 18-26.

Okay, now that I got that outa the way. I have to say that I am as determined as ever to lose these last few pounds to make it to goal. Right now, I'm at 164.8.

If you remember last time, I'd resolved to change my goal weight to 160 rather than Weight Watcher's goal of 155 (the heaviest I can weigh (according to their charts) for my age and height). Well, I have to admit something to you. I secretly want to make it all the way down to 155.

I can't help it. It's something I still want.

I haven't gone to the doctor yet to ask him to write me a note saying that 160 is a healthy weight for me (which I'm SURE he'd do in a heart beat). But I really DO want to make it to 155.

I know I had made up my mind to not be defined by a number but be instead be defined by how I feel in my skin and in my clothes. And don't get me wrong, I still do want that. In fact, I want that SO badly. But I still cant get that figure outa my head--155.

It haunts me still.

This is why...

It's 10 pounds less than where I am right now.

Well...

Over the past 4 weeks, I've lost 6.6 lbs.

Pause for dramatic effect...

That tells me that I'm doing this right and I CAN lose the weight. It's all in my head. Sure, there's metabolism and eating the right foods (low sodium, low sugar, low fat, high fiber, high protein, low carbs, etc., etc., etc.). But more importantly is my mental ability to will myself to lose weight.

I swear, for the past 4 years, it's been more about the battles I've had in my head than the battles in the numbers and on the scales. Sure, those are the outward evidences of it all. But the internal--both mental and emotional--has been my real struggle.

So, yea, I do want to feel good in my skin and be proud of my body. And I am. But I do still want to get down to 155.

I know it's a total contradiction and I don't know what to do with it.

Maybe that's why I haven't blogged in so long. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the road with a fork in front of me asking me to decide which road to take and I just keep digging at the ground in between the two paths so I can take both of them.

The thing is, sooner or later, I'm gonna have to choose... and I just don't know how.

.