I like hummus... who knew?

Don't you love it when you find a new snack or type of food--that you love--and it's healthy?

I have discovered hummus.

It's funny how your tastes change over the years. A few years back, I would probably have thrown up if I had eaten hummus. I mean, it looks like baby food. Smells bitter and sour. And the texture, don't get me started!

But man it's really good!

And it's high in protein and fiber--bonus!

I've been eating it lately with pretzel flats. I swear I could eat a whole tub of the hummus in one sitting if I allowed myself. It's quickly becoming a red-light food. But as long as I can put the bowl down after only 13 pretzel flats, I think it'll be okay.

So I have a question for you... do you like hummus? Have you ever tried it? What do you like to eat it on or with? I need more ideas of how to eat this stuff!

Why does it all have to be so hard...

I have really been so reluctant to post anything new on my weight loss blog lately.

Mostly I keep thinking that I've got nothing to post. But at the same time, I'm wrestling with so many things and then I can't figure out why I wouldn't want to blog, to get it all out there and get help through all of this.

So, here I am again. Blogging about my pathetic attempts at weight loss.

Since the last time I blogged, I've gained almost 10 pounds.

What ... the ... heck ... is ... wrong ... with ... me?!?!

Remember that wonderful book I was telling you about not too long ago? And the class that goes along with the book? Well, it seemed to be helping me. I mean, it was all making so much sense. I was finally starting to get a grasp on the whole concept of God helping me to lose weight. But then I stopped reading the book and I missed the last two meetings of the class.

Yup. That's me. Get all fired up about something, then lose interest in it and wonder why nothing ever changes.

On top of all that, I feel so out of control with my eating. I want to eat absolutely everything in sight. As I'm finishing eating one meal, I'm already planning the next meal or snack. It's consuming my every thought. I even had a nightmare the other night where I was at a convention with about 50 other people and I was the last one in line to get food from the buffet. By the time I got there, all the food was gone. I went into a panic. I kept searching and searching for food to be somewhere. Hidden somewhere that no one knew about. I couldn't find any.

And then tonight, my husband wanted to go to Panera to sit in a quite place and work on his website. So I brought my lap top along to keep me occupied. First thing I wanted to do when we walked through the door is order a pastry. I actually bargained and pleaded with David. Bless his heart, he kept telling me no, I didn't need it. He even tried reasoning with me and said if he let me get something would I regret it afterwards. I said assuredly, NO, I would not regret it. Truth be told, no, I would not feel a bit guilty after I was done eating the treat. I usually don't.

I almost had him talked into it when he said, okay, you can have something but if you do I get one too. Well, that did it for me. He's gained almost all of his weight back to square one and he wants to get it all off. He was so good today, too. Very sensible breakfast and lunch and for dinner, he didn't go back for seconds. No way was I going to let him ruin it all by a stupid little pastry.

But I tell you, if it hadn't been for that I seriously would have had a pastry and would not have felt one ounce of guilt or remorse.

My attitude lately is... I want to eat it, so I will, and I won't feel bad about eating it at all. Most times I feel so satisfied and complete and it isn't until I go to put on my size 16 jeans (which I had to pull out of the fat box because my 10s and 12s are ridiculously too small) that are getting too tight that I hate myself.

It's like I'm at war but I can't see the enemy and I don't know how to fight him.

How will I ever win the battle? Much less the war?

"Dear God, Please help me lose weight..."

The second week of the "Made to Crave" class was nice. I'm still not connecting with the other ladies at my table, though. I'm thinking of switching tables next week. I don't want to be rude to the ladies I'm with now. It's just frustrating me. Or maybe it's not them, maybe it's me. (In case I didn't mention it, the format of the class is a 20-minute DVD from the author then we break into small groups and go over the discussion topics in the study companion book.)

So last Thursday, I mentioned my feelings, to everyone, about how I find it so foreign to ask God to help me lose weight. My prayer sounds so shallow to me: "Dear God, I know there are children in my country who are being bought and sold into sexual slavery, I know there are elderly who are being abused and tortured by their caregivers, and I know there are serial killers out there right now preying on their unsuspecting victims, but if you wouldn't mind, could you help me lose a pound this week?"

I'm just not getting it.

I didn't put it quite like that in the class, but I did tell them that I just am not comfortable asking God to help me lose weight and they came back with the standard answers (answers I'd probably give to someone who said what I said)--"Our body is the temple of God and we need to take care of it" ... "We need to take EVERYTHING to God, not matter how trivial we might think it is."

But here's the thing. I already take everything to God, no matter how big or small. And as for the temple of God thing, I think this temple is pretty healthy already. I don't have any health issues. I can participate in just about any sporting event I want to and feel good doing it. I'm only 30-50 pounds overweight, I'm no longer obese. In my opinion, this temple doesn't need much attending to in order for it to be a great place for Him to dwell.

Which brings me to my point: I feel like if I ask God to help me lose weight, it's a superficial request. His temple is in great shape. By most standards, I'm the epitome of health. I just don't like the way I look and feel in my clothes. I don't like looking down and seeing flabby, dimpled thighs staring back up at me. I don't like the squishy fat I have clinging to my sides like a half deflated intertube. I don't like that I'm a size 14/16, I want to be a size 10.

These things all feel so superficial to me. Not godly or holy requests.

I don't know how to get past this.

I know, "pray about it," you say. Well, I am. I just haven't found clarity on the subject yet.

Do you guys have any advice for me?

I know how to lose weigh, now why can't I stop eating...

I think that should be the name of my first book. People keep telling me I should write a book. Sometimes I feel like I already have... here on my blog.

This week was the first week of a new study at my church on the book I was telling you guys about--Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst. It was very interesting. The idea is to turn our focus off of food and onto God.

I SO need to do that! All I can think about lately is food. All day long. In the middle of typing an email, I think of a restaurant we used to go to in Alaska called Sullivans and think about all the wonderful things we'd eat there. Out of the blue. It's been 10 years since we left Alaska. Why would I think about that?

I think about... no, let me rephrase that... I obsess over food every waking hour. And I don't know how to think about anything else.

I try not to, but that only makes me think of it more.

This is not helping my weight loss efforts one little bit.

This is how bad things have gotten. I haven't logged my weight into Weight Watchers online because if my weight is hidden away in a little cardboard weight log and not officially entered into a database, it can't really be all that bad, right?

Wrong.

I finally did it. I logged my weight for the first time since Feb 5th. ... I've gained 9.8 pounds.

On Aug 7th of last year, I weight 158.8---the lowest I'd ever been (in fact, the lowest I'd been since before my 22 year old daughter was born).

Now look at me. My official weigh in last Saturday was 179 lbs. I've gained 20 lbs over these 11 months.

Why?

Because I can't stop thinking about food.

I love absolutely everything about it. I love watching cooking shows. I love baking. I love cooking at home. I love going out to eat and trying foods I'd never cook at home. I love going to the grocery store and looking at all the different kinds of food there. I love... well, I really could go on and on and on. But suffice it to say, I think I'm a little obsessed.

So I'm really hoping this class will help me get a hold on things. See, I don't need to learn how to lose weight. Weight Watchers has taught me that. I could probably even be a leader and teach others how to lose weight (who knows, maybe some day I will). But that's not my problem. I know how to lose weight, I just don't know how to stop eating and obsessing over food.

In the class tonight, she quoted a doctor who said that there is definitely a way to lose weight, and if you follow healthy guidelines you'll lose weight. But when it comes to eating and enjoying eating, will power isn't enough. The doctor said will power will only take you so far but it won't help you achieve success. He recommended instead to look to a higher power for assistance.

Well, that's what I'm doing. Or at least I'm attempting to do. I think the basic plan for the book is to replace my thoughts about food with my thoughts about God. The tagline on the front of the book says "Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food".

I have no idea, though, how on earth I'm going to stop thinking about food.

In the class tonight, they broke us up into smaller "discussion" groups. I felt so disconnected from the other ladies at my table. None of them seemed to have the problem I have. They might be bored eaters or emotional eaters or maybe just don't know how to eat right. I felt so weird. Am I really the only one who thinks about food 24/7?

Is it normal to gain 4 pounds in a week?

Better yet, is it normal to gain 7 pounds in one weekend??

I tell you, I could gain those 100 pounds that I lost back SO SO easy. Without even thinking twice about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna. But for me, whenever I don't cut back on my eating, I will gain. I don't even have to overeat or go overboard. I can just eat regular food, regular portions and at regular meal times and boom I can gain 2 pounds a day.

What's up with that?

Last weekend I ate regular food both days. And by "regular" I mean, not "light" or "reduced fat" or half portions or anything like that. I just ate.

Come Monday morning, I'd gained 7 pounds.

What the heck!?

There was talk today in Weight Watchers about what to do after you reach goal. They say they adjust your daily points plus allowances to you stop losing weight and start maintaining.

Heck, I've been maintaining for so many years, now, I don't think I'll need to adjust my points when--OR IF--I ever in my lifetime reach goal.

At this point, I think it's a grand illusion to think that I'll every--EVER--reach goal.

Goal was a mere 3.5 pounds away last September. Now... goal is 20 pounds away!

TWENTY POUNDS.

I don't even know what to type next after that horrible realization.

...

I've been doing relatively good over the past couple of months. Steady going down. It just breaks my heart that I can have one frivolous weekend--not even an all and all out food fest or anything crazy like that--and gain as much as I did.

Luckily I was able to get 3 of those pounds off, but officially, I weighed in this morning posting a 4 pound gain.

I'm so disgusted.

...

Big savings at the grocery store...

I just had the yummiest dinner. Nothing fancy, just good ole American comfort food.

Cheeseburger (5pts)
Fried potatoes (6pts)
Fordhook Lima Beans (2pts)

All home made, of course, so I can control the points+. Sure, I coulda made a little better choice instead of the fried potatoes because they're a little high in points+, but I had to get my healthy oils in because I hadn't had any for the day. So I made the sacrifice and fried the potato. :)

I'm a little disappointed that lima beans aren't free points+. But I really love 'em. Especially Fordhook. Usually, I can't find them in the grocery store, but I lucked out. We shopped at Walmart this past weekend rather than Publix and Walmart carries Fordhook. SO much better than baby limas!

Speaking of grocery shopping, because hubby got laid off last month, we've taken up a new hobby--couponing! And this past weekend, we spent $100 on groceries and saved about $50 altogether.

Publix had a bunch of buy-one-get-one-free items and we had a bunch of coupons on top of the sale. I never knew you could do this, but did you know you can use two coupons on a B1G1F offer? I never knew you could use a coupon on a free item, but evidently you can! So we made out like a bandit.

Course we had to go to three different stores to catch all the deals. We even ate in between all the grocery madness and used coupons for lunch, too. Spent $11 and saved almost $7 with coupons.

Do you guys coupon? I watched "Extreme Couponing" on TLC last month and then just a few days later, my husband got laid off so it was perfect timing. Now I'm hooked up with several couponing websites and they send me email updates and even Tweets for hot deals. It's so much fun!

It's about turning a dire situation into a sport. (kinda)

I have no intentions of becoming a hoarder like the people we saw on the Extreme Couponing show, but if I can save 40-50% or more on my regular groceries, that'd be freaking awesome! We need the savings right now, too.

So, do you guys do couponing? Where do you find your favorite deals?

(If you're not sure what "couponing" is, here's a link that explains it fairly well.)

How to get your family to eat healthy...

That is the question, right?

You've started on this new journey of eating healthy and losing weight and it's going great for you. You're losing weight. Feeling great. And so you naturally start looking at the one's closest to you and wanting the same great thing for them.

So... I ask... How do you get your family to eat healthy?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you right there. Is there really a sure-fire way to get your family to eat healthy? Oh, sure, there are plenty of tricks you can do to include healthy foods hidden inside the unhealthy-looking food. Like putting cauliflower in the blender and adding it to chili or spaghetti. This works for the little ones. They won't be able to tell that there's something healthy in there.

But what about the one's who are old enough to know that you're tricking them. The one's who will SWEAR they can taste a difference between chili made with turkey and chili made with lean ground beef. Sure, you can buy healthy snacks for them to choose from, but you can't force them to eat them. You can set "healthy traps" for them with the hopes that they'll get caught in them.

But what's the answer?

How do you get your grown children or your spouse to start eating healthy?

Well, I'll tell you, I don't have the answer for that. I wish I did. I wish it was as easy as appealing to their senses and kindly telling them that you love them and you want to see them live a long and healthy life, but let's face it, that's a conversation that'll almost never go as you think it will.

You can sit and think up all the right things to say and all of the kind words to use and all of the loving supportive things to encourage them along, but when it comes right down to it, the only way you're going to get your (older) family to eat healthy is if it's their idea. Just like it had to be YOUR idea for YOU to start losing weight, right?

I can't tell you how many times my husband so lovingly had that conversation with me. He said he would love me no matter what size I was. And I know for a fact that he TRULY meant that. But he wanted me to be a healthy weight for my sake, not for his. And I can't tell you how many times I told him that I didn't want to lose weight. I was happy the way I was. I didn't need to lose weight. I was healthy as a horse. No high blood pressure, no high blood sugar, no high cholesterol. And I had plenty of energy to do whatever I wanted.

But the fact was, I was almost 300 lbs. And even though I felt completely healthy, I was not. But no one was going to be able to convince me of that, until it became my idea. Were you like that too?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to encourage your family to eat healthy and lose the weight they really need to, I'm just saying that if you can't succeed in getting them to "see the light" don't be discouraged, just think back to the way you used to be. And know that it WILL dawn on them, JUST like it dawned on you. Be patient with them and be encouraging, and know that pushing them isn't always the most helpful.

And when they're ready, they know they can come to you because you've already gone down the road that's ahead of them. Just wait patiently for that day. It will come. I know it will.

Is anyone going through something this right now? Or in the past? How did you handle it?

Broccoli and cheese... my old friend...

I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I thought I’d ask your opinion.

I saw a commercial over the weekend for Green Giant’s frozen veggies with sauce. The commercial says they’re now endorsed by Weight Watchers and as I look, sure enough, it has the new blue box with the Points Plus values right on the box. Then I noticed how low the "points plus" values were; only 1 or 2 points plus. Hmm. I seem to remember they used to be between 4 and 6 "points" depending on the type of sauce.

Now I’m wondering if this is a good thing or a bad thing?

Sure, the veggie part of the frozen box is zero points plus and so it only make sense that the sauces would only be just a couple of points plus. So I get it. But I wonder if this isn’t encouraging bad eating habits.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love cheese on my broccoli and creamy butter sauce on my green beans and peas, so I’m thrilled that I can now eat these sauces on my veggies. But, most of these sauces are loaded with carbs, in addition to the natural carbs that are in some veggies. Not to mention the fat and sugars and salts that are in these sauces.

I’m just wondering if we’re going down the wrong road with this. Is this creating unhealthy eating habits? Is this encouraging our taste buds to crave the cheese sauces and butter sauces? But is this such a bad thing? I mean, it gets us to eat veggies, right?

I'm torn. Part of me is so happy that I can finally have cheese on my broccoli again, but another part of me is wondering if I start eating cheese sauce, am I gonna want to eat more, or will it fill a void in my diet that I've been denying for years?


What do you guys think?

God is in the donut...

So, God helped me through a moment of weakness, today...

I had decided to go through the drive-thru at Dunkin’ Donuts today to get some coffee to take back to the office for my “afternoon treat”. First, though, I had to stop by Publix to pick up some fat-free creamer (cuz I was out).

Did that.

Headed to Dunkin’.

Problem... I had a coupon in my purse for a free donut with the purchase of a beverage. I’d gotten it last week when I stopped by and did the same thing (coffee for my afternoon treat).

So, I told my husband, before I left home and headed to the store, that I wasn’t going to get the donut. Because it’s best to speak it out loud whenever you’re having to make a tough decision. But secretly inside, I really wanted to go ahead and get the donut.

#1. It was free.

#2. It was within my daily points plus allowance because I’ve made a list of 5 donuts I can get that are either 6 or 7 pts+ (As long as I plan for these extra pts+ I can have them!). Hey, I like donuts, okay?!

#3. I could eat it on my way back to work and no one would be the wiser.

So I pull up to the Dunkin’ drive-thru and order my coffee—decaf, black. I pulled up to the pay window and it dawned on me that I forgot to order my free donut!

I thought, well, it’s not too late, I can still order it when the guy comes and hands me my coffee. But then my mind went blank as to what the 6 and 7 pts+ donuts were. Completely blank!

I pull out my phone, because I’d made a sticky note on the desktop of my phone that had the 5 donuts listed out.

Too late.

The guy came with my coffee and I would have had to have him hold on while I look on my phone, which I felt woulda been silly for me to do. So I gave up. Handed him the money for the coffee and drove away.

No free donut.

So, I think God did something like holding his hand over my eyes, or rather in this case my memory, so I wouldn’t remember to order the donut and I couldn’t remember what type was the lowest in pts+.

Thanks, God. Wait, did that sound sarcastic? Uh, yea, it sure did.


...


But I REALLY wanted the donut!

Can God help you lose weight?

I just wanted to explain something before I got much further down the path I've been on for the past week or so.

I've been trying to lose weight for almost 4 years, now (every single day, never stop, no breaks) and in all that time, I've gone through some really tough discoveries about myself. I went through a really hard time, for about a year, when I kept sabotaging my weight loss efforts because deep down, without knowing it, I wasn't giving myself permission to be a better person. I've overcome so many fears that I had no idea could even exist in weight loss. And I've learned so much about myself that I had no clue was even there.

But through all of this self-discovery and through all of my accomplishments, I've ignored one crucial thing—my spirituality as it relates to weight loss. But I have to be honest, it has never occurred to me that spirituality could have anything at all to do with weight loss. I've always seen weight loss is a physical (and most times emotional and mental) thing, but most definitely not a spiritual thing. But now I'm seeing it a little differently. I'm coming to discover that I need to rely on a higher power for the rest of my journey to the physical person I want to become. And for the first time, that totally makes sense to me.

For me, my higher power is God and Jesus Christ.

Since I started my blog (over three years ago), I've been deliberate in leaving my faith out of each post. I wanted my blog to remain spiritually neutral for a couple of reasons. The first of which I just mentioned (not seeing a direct correlation between the food I eat and God).

But secondly, I didn't want to push my beliefs onto others. In my personal life, I've always been a passive Christian and very low key. I've been more of the Jesus-type: let them know me by my actions. I've had very bad experiences and have known many, many people who have been "preached at" in non-spiritual situations that has completely turned them off from hearing God's truth. So I've always purposefully not shouted "Jesus" from the mountain tops. And so I didn't mention my beliefs here, on my weight loss blog, for fear that I'd scare off people who really needed my help (or more importantly, people whose help I needed).

So as I'm going to be blogging about this new part of my weight loss journey for a bit longer, I just wanted to put it out there that I am in no way trying to influence your spirituality or beliefs. In fact, I hope that you will continue to follow my spiritual/weight loss journey but whenever I talk about God or Jesus, instead of being offended (or thinking that I'm trying to convert you) you can just insert your deity or spirituality or motivation into the text and learn and grow with me.

My main purpose with my new journey is really to get to the bottom of why I am so addicted to food, why I crave food CONSTANTLY, and why can't I lose the weight that I so desperately want to lose, even though I'm eating all the right foods.

So I hope you'll stay with me and we can help each other along this journey to lose the weight we want to and become the person God (or [insert your deity or desire here]) wants us to be.

Sound alright?

Small steps on a Saturday...

Okay, first of all, please excuse my blog design changes. I had a perfectly wonderful (in my humble opinion, being as I created it) blog design going on but the background image somehow got deleted from the server and I can't find a back-up of it and so I'm left with using Blogger's new "template design" thingiemabobber which is driving me nuts.

But I digress...

Weigh in this morning!!

I lost 1.6 lbs.

Normally I'd be completely doing cartwheels (if I could) over this loss, but I've had this type of loss A LOT over the past few months, only to be followed by a 2 or 3 or 4 pound gain the very next week. So my challenge for now is to keep it off for just one week. That's a huge challenge for me right now.

So we'll see how it goes.

I didn't do too bad on my eating plan today. We ate at this new chinese buffet today (we always go out on Saturday afternoons with my in-laws) that was actually VERY VERY good even if I'm NOT a huge chinese food fan. I should have stopped at one plate full but I went for one and two-thirds of a plate full. And I have no idea how to judge the points. I had a few dumplings, 3 or 4 pieces of fried shrimp, maybe a half a cup of pork lo mein, something called cantonese noodles, a small piece of stuffed flounder, a few pieces of crab rangoon, and a few other things that were just one piece here and one piece there. So I'm just going to say it was 25 points plus and leave it at that. No clue.

But the rest of the day I was good so far as my food choices go.

The most important part was the self-talk I carried with me through the day. Every time my obsession with thinking about and planning for food came up, I'd try to refocus my thoughts on Him or whatever else was going on at the time. I'm really trying to refocus my food thoughts so I can get control over my constant cravings.

I read some more in the Made to Crave book and I'm really loving it. Chapter 5 is amazing -- "Made for More". Listen to this "We need a power beyond our frail attempts and fragile resolve."

Boy do I ever. I have been banging my head against the cravings wall for so long (my frail attempts) and so far, I just keep giving in to them (my fragile resolve). Here's a prayer she put in the chapter that really spoke to me:

God, I recognize I am made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I need to eat to live, not live to eat. So, I keep asking for Your wisdom to know what to eat and Your indwelling power to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me.

How simple is that truth?

So all day I kept asking for His help to keep the food thoughts out of my head. I can't say that I didn't dwell on it a bit more than I should have, but it was less than I thought about it yesterday. So one tiny step forward. I'll take what I can get.

I'm glad some of you have already ordered or downloaded the book. She has a whole website FULL of resources that go with the book. If you're not sure if you want to buy it, she has a 21 day challenge you can sign up for via email and it's what hooked me on getting the book because it has little nuggets from the book. There's a bunch more there, so check it out.

By the way, I am in no way associated with her, her organization or her publisher. Actually, I work for a rival publisher of hers. That's how I found the book in the first place--her publisher advertised the book in one of our magazines.

Well, onward and upward. Let's see if I can make it through Sunday without obsession over food or even worse, giving into my Sunday cravings.

Turning onto a new path in my weight loss journey...

I've turned a corner in my weight loss journey.

Well, no, wait a minute... not in my weight loss journey, but in my heart.

The most I can hope from this turn, is to not do a u-turn and head back down the path I've been on for the past couple of years.

As many of you might know, I've been on Weight Watchers since May 2007. So in a couple of months, I'll have been trying to reach my goal weight for FOUR YEARS. (yikes) I still haven't reached goal. 

Sure, I've reached major milestones along my journey, all of which I'm extremely proud of, but I haven't reached my ultimate goal weight yet.

Well, now I hope with this new turn, I can get there.

A little bit of history about my weight loss journey, for those of you who are new. Weight Watchers has taught me SO much about how to eat right. It's taught me what foods are good for my body and bad for my body. It's taught me that I can eat whatever I want to eat as long as I eat responsibly and watch my portions. It's taught me proper exercise. And an all around healthy look at the way I eat.

I've also tried a few other diet plans along the way, though none of them I've stuck with for very long. Maybe even a few weeks at a time. But each time I dabbled in something different, I learned so much more about foods and how they interact with my body.

I learned a great deal from the Eat Clean Diet. Man, if you ever want to learn exactly what food does to your body, that's the place to start. My husband tried a medical weight loss diet and I learned  a lot from his journey about carbs and sugars and protein and how they break down in your body for the good and bad.

So, all in all, I'd say I have a pretty good grasp on how to diet, or rather how to eat right and exercise to lose weight.

But here I sit, still 30 pounds from my ultimate goal (20 pounds from my Weight Watchers goal).

I was almost at my wits end when I recently stumbled across a lady who'd written a book about cravings. It started me to thinking about how throughout the 200+ blog posts and 4 years of daily eating and exercise habits, it has always come back to cravings for me. That's always been my down fall.

My cravings are SO bad. I'm sure you can all identify with it. A real good visual is the orange fuzzy monster that Weight Watchers came out with a couple of years ago to represent the "cravings monster" who stalks us and follows us wherever we go. I can say I've never physically seen that monster in my path, but I have definitely felt him emotionally and mentally taunting me and teasing me and making funny faces at me ALL THE TIME. My cravings are such a real and tangible thing.

So back to this book. It's by a lady named Lysa Terkeurst and it's called Made to Crave.

The book is about how God made us to crave, but not necessarily to crave food but more to crave Him. Listen to this verse: "How lovely is your dwelling place, oh Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." (Psalm 84:1-2). It says 'my heart & flesh cry out for God'. If I had to be completely honest with myself, my heart and flesh cry out for cheese fries, juicy burgers, lasagna, cheese & bacon soup, coconut cream pie, bacon & onion mac & cheese, donuts and full fat lattes (though my list of "crying out for" foods, could continue for another paragraph or two, to be truly honest). And I'm afraid that I've let my cravings for food consume my craving for God.

Here's an excerpt from her book that really sums up how I feel right now. She's talking about her endless cycle of waking up each morning and weighing herself just hoping that the scales would be kind to her, but they never were, and so she'd step into the kitchen and each whatever yummy thing she could find for breakfast, and start the cycle of bad choices for another day only to repeat this process every morning. Anyway, here's the excerpt:

And the cycle I've come to hate and feel powerless to stop continues. ... But I did need to make changes. I knew it. Because this wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Really surrender. Surrender to the point where I'd make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

Part of my surrender was asking myself a really raw question.

May I ask you this same raw question? Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am a deeply spiritual person and I rely on my God and my Saviour, Jesus, for every breath I take and everything move I make. How could this be humanly possible that I could love food more than God?

But I think back over the past 4 years, heck, the past 44 years, and I can see where my life has almost always revolved around food. I schedule for it. I anticipate it. I devote serious amounts of time to food every day of my life. You might even say I'm a bit obsessive compulsive about my lovely food. 

So maybe there's something to what she's saying.

Well, that is where I am right now. This is the corner that I've turned. I have no idea what's around the corner, but I know that I need to reexamine myself and my heart and get my priorities and my cravings set straight.

I'm only on chapter 4, but I feel like I'm on chapter one of my weight loss journey. And I feel really good about that. I really feel that if I could knock my cravings, or at least get them under control, I could beat this weight loss thing.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes. I plan on journalling more frequently (I know, you've heard that before). I want to work through this new process a bit more and I'm gonna need your help to get me through it. We'll see where I go from here. I hope it's to a better place and a more sane reality for me. Because I just don't know how much longer I can stay on the path I'm on continuing to not reach goal.

...

P.S. If you're interested in the book, I can post more info about it. Just let me know.

I'm on my way back to running again...

I've been having problems lately. Four weeks ago, I gained a half a pound. Three weeks ago, I gained a pound and a half. Both of those weeks, I was on the new PointsPlus plan with Weight Watchers--to the letter.

So I took a break.

For 2 weeks, I didn't track anything I ate. I didn't go hog wild, like I've done in the past, but I did eat what I wanted to.

I consistently gained about 3 pounds each week.

This past week, I was back on the PointsPlus plan and I lost almost 2 pounds.

Who knows what's going on. I don't know why it didn't work for me before but it did now, but I'll take it. Maybe it was because of the break. It's gonna be interesting to see how next week goes.

I finally went to the sports orthopedist for him to look at my knee that I injured about a year ago when I was training for the marathon. It ends up I really wrecked my knee cap. It's sitting crooked on my knee socket and it's all ground down and rough with chips of bone floating underneath it.

He first asked my why I would want to run. I almost got up and walked out. I thought, who is he to question why I would want to run. But I explained to him about how I was almost 300 pounds when I first started my weight loss journey and how I was deathly afraid of running. But then I overcame my fear and once I found out that I could run and it wouldn't kill me it SO empowered me. I don't want to live my life without running.

He understood and gave me some good advice. It ends up I need to strengthen my leg muscles more. He's referred me to a physical therapist and also given me some exercises to do to build up my thigh muscles.

He said I will be able to run again, after I get my legs in shape first. He gave me a knee brace to where when I start running again that'll keep my knee cap in place.

I can't wait to start running again. I miss it terribly. Has anyone else fell in love with running? Or anything else that has empowered you that you were afraid of before?

Hang in there kid... right?

I've been having a bit of a tough time lately. And by lately, I mean within the past couple of weeks.

Back up a little over a month ago when I gained over 8 pounds during Christmas. Why do I continue to do this to myself? Now, I'm sure it'll take me months to get those 8 lbs off. I was able to get 4 of those pounds off a couple of weeks later... Total fluke!

Then week before last, I decided to go all out and emerge myself in the new Weight Watchers PointsPlus system.

So... I gained a half a pound that week.

Then, I thought, okay, maybe that was a fluke so I gave it another shot...

Gained a full pound last week.

I have to say, I'm so proud of my food choices. I'm eating the most balanced, smart menus I've ever eaten in my life. I'm eating 5 fruits and/or veggies each day. I'm getting in my healthy oils (2 tsp of canola or evvo) each day. I'm having 2 milk servings a day (fat free of course). Nothing but whole grains and lean meats. Plenty--plenty--of water each day.

So what gives?

Why the continual gain?

I'm not under a lot of stress, at home or at work. I'm not at that particular time of the month. I'm not eating too much sodium. Very little processed foods, just the bread and cereal.

It's very frustrating!

I even took my tracker to my WW meeting last week and I completely stumped 2 of my leaders. Ricardo said that all our bodies are different and to hang in there.

Well, I am. I'm hanging in there. Been hangin' in there for almost 4 years, now. I'm not gonna give up. I've tried just about every trick in the book. I've tried not focusing on the numbers (which is why I've been gone for so long).

I just don't know.

But this is me "staying with it". It's the only thing I have left.

Blogging...

I need to start blogging again. I miss you guys and I've been going through a lot of things lately.

So...

I will start blogging again!

See you soon. :]

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