Wednesday, October 15, 2008

when will it ever end...


I’m so tired of being on a diet. Oh, excuse me, a “lifestyle”.

I’ve been doing this for 17 MONTHS!!!

NONE STOP!

Die Hard!

I’m just so tired of not eating what I want.

I just want to sit down and eat a meal without counting calories and fat and fiber... and points. It’s like points have become the enemy. I’m tired of indulging, only have to work my tail off to get the extra pound(s) to come off before my next weigh in. It’s like, I look at the food that I’m eating and say “okay, this is way too many calories, I’m going to have to work out extra this week to work it off.” And I’m tired of making deals with my food. I want to just sit down and eat what I want to eat without there being conditions put on it.

I don’t think I’m asking too much.

I want to eat real potato chips with real cream cheese and greasy onion rings with real ranch dressing and real eggs with real cheddar cheese & real butter and a fatty steak with a baked potato loaded with everything and cheese fries loaded with real cheddar and real bacon and dripping in spicy ranch dressing and real coconut cream pie and real whole milk and real milk shakes and lots of chocolate and Reese's cups (not one Reese's cup) and greasy cheeseburgers with french fries with sour cream and McDonalds sausage biscuits with cheese and hash browns every morning for breakfast and real homemade macaroni and cheese and real lasagna made with real pasta and fatty ground beef and, and, and...

Oh, sure, I can have reduced fat and low sugar and fat free versions of everything I named up there. But its just not the same. And I want to eat these things to my heart’s content. I don’t want to stop when I’m “satisfied”. I want to stop eating when I’m stuffed... like I used to do. Are those days gone forever??!!

But alas, I have 4 pounds to go to reach 100 pounds so none of these things will cross my lips. Not one!

But when will they be able to?

Will they ever?

I feel like I’m missing a life long friend that I haven’t talked to in years, knowing that our relationship will never be the same no matter what I say to try and patch things up. I feel really sad about this whole thing.

.

8 comments:

Jenn said...

Oh my! I'm sorry for your frustration. I think it's great that you get it out though. The way you describe your relationship with food made me think of how "toxic" relationships are. They are fun and enjoyable while you are in their company, but they bring heartache. Why do we want to keep going back to them, knowing they will just leave us in pain? The foods you crave may taste wonderful, but they do damage. Obviously, you will still encounter them in your life, but you need to "get over them" because they will turn into someone you've said you don't want to be again. You like this new person you've become. She can really enjoy more of LIFE. More than just eating foods that damage her heart, mind, body, and soul. Cara, you've come so far. You are such and inspiration to many people. I think it's natural to get tired of the process of losing weight. I did. Even though I reached my goal, I still need to be careful what I allow into my mouth. I don't want to fall onto a slippery slope back to where I was. Because we have to work so hard to lose it, we will be less likely to gain it back. Otherwise, all this work is for nothing. All the money invested in yourself to learn a new way of life is wasted. Just remind yourself why you began this journey. You are more than halfway to your destination! Don't exit the road before you get there. I am cheering you on and looking forward to celebrating your 100 pound loss!

Deborah said...

I'm so sorry. I feel much the same way and then I go look in the mirror or climb my stairs and realize how much better I look and feel. My knees don't hurt anymore and I don't pant just walking up 15 stairs. Think about those things that you are enjoying now that you didn't enjoy before. It's worth it and you are worth it. Hang in there. You can do this.

SeaShore said...

If you are missing your old friend, think of your new friends: better health, smaller clothing sizes, etc

The last time I had a McDonald's breakfast sandwich was June. I burped that thing all day and I felt like there was a slimy rock in my stomach. My body was not pleased.

About the weight gain after an indulgence, I tend to think this is what happens to skinny/average size people. They go through Christmas, gain 5 pounds, and then either work hard to get it off quickly, or go back to their usual style of eating and it comes off slowly. We get emotional about that gain, whereas they do not.

I hope your sadness passes.

JC said...

Me too. It makes me sad knowing I've had to break up with my lover (food) because of the abuse caused to my body and mind. However, I'm willing to make the sacrifice to feel well and have a clear mind. You are to. I dare say if you give in to your desire for regular foods your body will rebel and you will physically feel sick. Just adjust your thinking and move along. If anyone can do this, Cara can.

Jenn said...

I just wanted to add something else to encourage you. As someone you know who has crossed the "finish line", the sweet taste of victory over my "old self" is far more satisfying than what those tempting foods offer. Now, if I can speak to you as your sister in the Lord, Cara, you are so much closer to that victory now more than ever and I think these feelings come up as way of (Satan) trying to derail you.
Because once you reach your goal, you won't have to use your thoughts and energy worrying about weight loss and can put them into other important things that God may have planned for you. It is worth it!!!

Karyn said...

Your readers have given you some very good advise and wisdom.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so frustrated. It sounds like you have not really embraced this whole thing as a life time commitment. There is no end to learning to live healthy.

I agree with Seashore....thin people gain and lose all the time -without stressing about it. When you "indulge" (which we all will do once in awhile) there is a cost. It is that simple.

Maybe you need to take a break. (and I don't mean go off the deep end)
Maybe you need to switch your plan to a different way of counting what you eat.

You have come so far, Cara. You are looking absolutely terrific! And I know you feel great. These are some of the rewards of living healthy. focus on those. Be thankful for these things. Vocally be thankful.

You will find your "second wind", I am sure!

Lake Mary WWLeader said...

I too am sorry to hear your frustration! This is truly is a lifestyle change that is meant to carry our healthier eating habits through the rest of our lives. I can only agree with Jenn and say that you are truly an inspiration to all of us in the meeting room and that you should be very proud of how far you have come in your journey. You have have worked extremely hard to get where you are today and in order to stay motivated to keep moving forward you may have to find your way past the Points and develop a new relationship with food in general. Look inside yourself for what motivates you and harness that energy to help you keep moving forward toward your goal. All of us at your meeting are behind you and want to help you celebrate that next milestone! Please keep in mind that old saying that "Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels"!

Wendy said...

About the "losing a friend" comment: what would you do if you lost a human friend? Try comforting yourself in the same (non-food) way. Go easy on yourself. Watch a funny movie. Allow yourself to be sad...it's understandable.
It is a loss. So let it be a loss. Journal just about that.
I know this is coming from a "newbie" since I am just looking forward to my 16 charm from WW in four weeks.
But I'm familiar with the sane feelings applied to other areas. I know for me, sometimes I have to just ease up on myself and pamper myself the way I would a friend going through the same thing. You are going through a lot right now. So plan in some pamper time for you.
If you need an excuse, if you aren't good at being good to yourself, then tell yourself you can give to others better when you come from a full place emotionally and spiritually.
A new nail polish? A new pair of earrings? A funny movie? Some flowers from the grocery store?
Something special for YOU.
Peace
~Wendy