from the Biggest Loser to the rest of my life...

First, I want to say I'm sorry for dragging my feet and not posting on here for over a week. At first, I just needed a break from the computer. I'd spend hours in here at night researching, posting, commenting and before I knew it my nights were just gone. I work on a computer all day producing a magazine and then I'd come home and work on the computer producing my blog. I think I just needed to learn some balance in it all. I think I'm there now. I have a tendency to be a bit over compulsive about newly found hobbies. And I think that's what it was. But I'm back and will post regularly, now, but not obsess over this whole thing.

That being said...

I just got done watching Biggest Loser tonight and it was a really great show. They went to Australia, which is a place I've ALWAYS wanted to visit. And it was gorgeous!

My favorite part was this guy named Adro who was the winner in season one of the Australian version of BL. He came on and started talking about how weight loss is a thing that's in your heart and in your head and not something that you just do with your body. He talked about when he was on a challenge where he had to climb up a pole, I don't know how many stories tall, and jump off while harnessed. They showed hip perched up on that tiny platform hugging the wooden pole with his back to the edge. He wouldn't let go. He was petrified of heights. Bob was yelling at him to jump but he wouldn't. It took him a half hour before he managed to step out to the edge of the platform and jump. But the most amazing thing happened when he jumped. He said he had a kind of out of body experience where he felt the old, fat Adro separate from the new, thiner Adro as he fell down and by the time he got to the ground, his two halves came back together but he was never the same. He saw his old self and never wanted to go back to that person again. He vowed right then to never be obese again. It was very touching and very inspiring. I'll look for the video of it on YouTube and post it here when I find it. His talk with the current contestants was truly amazing.

I love that show, not just because of the hype of it, but because of how these peoples' lives have been transformed. Truly transformed. Not just by losing weight. And not just by the celebrity-ness of it all. But how their mental psyche has changed. How their very being is no longer the same as it has been in their previous lives.

Speaking from the perspective of a formerly obese person, I hope I can develop this type of psyche. I can already see I've taken on some of these characteristics. I want to truly learn how to eat better. I want to learn about the food I put in my body and what it's made of and what it's effects are on my body and mind. I want to learn how to exercise the best possible way for my body through the transitions of weight loss. But most importantly, I want to be able to keep this attitude, this drive, this passion for health and fitness for the rest of my life. I don't ever want to feel the way I used to feel when I was fat. I used to tell myself that I felt fine and I had high self esteem and that I was pretty and all of that. But I really think I was just trying to talk myself into believing something that was a total sham.

I wasn't just fat, I was obese. And I was truly embarrassed.

I remember (and I still have this problem sometimes) thinking that everyone was watching the fat lady eat and saying to themselves "look at that pig". I remember driving down the road and whenever I'd have to pass in front of a row of cars that was sitting at a red light that I'd always put my hand up to my face like I was scratching my head or something so it would shield my face from the people who were sitting there at the red light because I just knew they'd think "oh, look at that fat lady driving past, that's disgusting". To this day, I have a phobia about walking up behind a person in line at the grocery store because it's inevitable that the person in front of me will always turn around and look to see who just walked up behind them. And before, I just knew that when they turned around and saw me behind them, they'd think "wow, look at how fat she is, I wonder what kind of junk food she's buying to feed her face with tonight".

I can't believe I'm coming to terms with this now like this but it's been haunting me ever since high school when my metabolism changed and I gained 50 lbs in my senior year. From there it was all down hill. And from there is when I started hating the way I looked through other peoples' eyes.

I never want to feel that again.

I am taking a vow right here and right now to never be obese again. I will not allow myself to feel the way I've felt these past 25 years. My 25 years of obesity. Gone!

It's the new me. Like Adro said when he made it to the ground. The old me is still very much a part of who I am, but the new me will never allow the old me to surface again. It's just not going to happen.