Obsession or "Planning"...

Well, I did it. I weighed in this morning. I sure didn't want to, but I had no choice.

The good news (well, kinda) is that I only gained (officially) 2.2 pounds.

Whew!

I was TRULY expecting a 5 pound gain. When I weighed myself at home this morning before I went to Weight Watchers I was still up 4.8 pounds from what I weighed at home Saturday before last.

It's so confusing because at home I'm up 5 pounds. At Weight Watchers I'm up only 2.2 and at the gym I'm up only 1 pound ... all from 2 Saturday's ago. I weight myself at the gym every Saturday morning just after breakfast (after Weight Watchers). So I'm weighing at the exact same time on the exact same scales in all three places each Saturday morning. Ugh!   ...I digress.

Okay, back to the good part. I can handle only a 2.2 pound gain. I'm still above the 100 pound mark. My total loss is still 103.8 pounds (that's my Weight Watcher's loss--I always like to state that because I lost 10 lbs on NutraSystems the year before I started Weight Watchers and I like to add those 10 lbs in there whenever I can--so it's a total of 113.8).

I tell you, if I had dipped below the 100 pound mark I can't image what would have happened. I don't ever--ever--want to go below that mark again. And I tell you I was completely petrified that I'd done that. So I'm SO ecstatic that I didn't. So, yay!

My husband (who is the most wonderful man on this planet) and I had a discussion this morning that really got me to thinking. We were talking about how just about all I ever talk about is food or weight loss. Sure, we have other conversations, but inevitably, food will somehow get worked into every conversation. And you know, that's true. If I'm not talking about what I ate, I'm talking about what I'm going to eat or what I want to eat or what I want to bake or cook. And I have to be honest, probably at least 50% (if not more) of the shows I like to watch on TV are related to food, somehow.

It is like an obsession with me.

But the weird part is, I'm not sure how to turn it off or slow it down. I mean, #1, I do love food. Everything about it. And, #2, I have to always be thinking about and planning what I'm going to eat or how this or that will effect my weight loss efforts or (lately) how it'll effect my exercise efforts. I see no way around those types of thoughts.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I can take control of the "afterthoughts". I think those are the one's I should learn to let go. The things like "Oh, I had the most wonderful "whatever-it-is" for lunch today (and then I proceed to go into great detail about every taste and bite and texture)" or "I'm so mad that I ate those chips last night" or "I'll bet you if I wouldn't have eaten that piece of cake I would have lost weight this week" or even something as harmless ad "Ooo, did you see that? That casserole looks amazing! I wonder how many point it is?".

I'm seeing that there's a difference between planning about what I'm going to eat and obsessing over what I've already eaten and have no control over or contemplating something that I know I can't eat (or don't want to because it would either be too many points or would send me off the deep end wanting more and more).

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. It does seem like such a fine line, but I think it's one that needs distinction. All I know is that I can't keep this up. I do obsess over every kind of food and everything associated with food. And I know it's not healthy.

Did you know that I have not one but TWO food calendars in my cubical at work? Yup, I have a scrumptious calendar that has huge, very fattening, very luscious looking photos for each month and to offset that I got a "Healthified" calendar that hangs right next to it so I could justify looking at the "bad for me" foods. That's just messed up!

Yes, I'm obsessed.

People always come in my cube and say "I don't see how you can look at that all day long. It would make me want to eat it.". And I always shrug it off and say that it doesn't bother me at all. Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is feeding my obsession. I wonder what other things in my life are feeding my obsession? I think I'm going to have to reassess things.

Do you guys twitter? I do. I love it. If you want to find me, I'm @CaraShow. I found this tweet today and thought it suited me so perfectly:

"What keeps me motivated is not food itself, but all the bonds & memories the food represents." ~Julia Child"

I think that about sums it up for me.

What do you guys do? Do you obsess over food? How do you turn it off? How do you cope? How do I stop obsessing?

I'm not sure where to go from here...

So the last time I blogged, a week and a half ago, things were going pretty good. Don't they always go "good before the fall". I just hate where I am right now.

That weekend that I had that miraculous loss, well, that's when it all fell apart. See, that was the "going away" weekend for my in-laws. I guess we figured we wanted to spend as much time with them as possible before they left town (for a 4 or 5 months) so we went out to dinner on Saturday ... and Sunday ... and Monday ... and Tuesday. And, just in case you're wondering, I did not eat sensible at all ... on either of those 4 days.

By Wednesday morning, I was up 7 pounds.

Yes, that wasn't a typo ... I really gained 7 pounds!

And that's not the bad part. The bad part is that only 2 of those pounds came off by this past Saturday's weigh in.

So the way I understand quick gains like this is that they usually will come off relatively quickly (well most of it anyways) because most of it is just bulk that's left in your system that just has to have time to process through. And as long as you get right back on plan, most of the weight will come off just because of the biology of things

Except, it didn't.

And it still hasn't. I'm still up 5 pounds and my greatest fear--the fear that is taking me to my knees right now--is that those 5 pounds are going to be with me for a while.

Do you remember how long it took me to lose those precious 5 pounds?? Almost a year!!

I simply can NOT go another year and lose those same 5 pounds again! I can't do it! I can't!

Those five pounds were supposed to come off after I got back to my regular plan of eating my points and exercising.

I mean, after all, I just joined the gym (actually, just a few days before the "eating fest"). And since I joined, I've been at the gym EVERY day (seriously). And 4 days a week, I go twice a day.

Here's my exercise schedule:

Every morning:

20 minutes cardio (either the stair climber (55-60 flights) or elliptical or arc trainer) = 2 Activity Points (AP) or 280 calories burned.

45 minutes weight training = 3 AP or 400 calories burned.

Four days a week:

Same thing as above then add a spin class in the evening = 8 AP or 750 calories burned.


So, 3 days a week I burn 680 calories and earn 5 AP and 4 days a week I burn 1430 calories and 13 AP.

Here's my total for each week: I burn 7760 calories and earn 67 AP.

...I think I'm going to the gym too much.

I can't stop, though. I haven't felt this great since ... I can't remember when.

But, why the heck am I not losing weight?!?!?

I swear I have not been cheating. I have been eating on plan, inside my daily points allowance, every day. Even this past Saturday and Sunday. I didn't splurge like I usually do. Not one bit!

My husband and I think it's because I'm gaining muscle. And you know what I have to say about that?! THAT IS THE EXACT REASON WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO START WORKING OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

For 3 1/2 years, now, I've heard how if I start working out, I'll probably gain muscle and because of that I have purposefully NOT worked out. I do not want to gain muscle. I do not want to gain weight. I've been doing just fine without working out for these past 3 years and still been able to lose weight just fine.

I don't know how to justify this, but I do know that I have gained 5 pounds and I do not want to and I am petrified of weighing in on Saturday. I took a "no-weigh-in" pass last week because I didn't want that number permanently in my weight loss log. I think if I see those extra 5 pounds marked permanently in my log I will cry. I just can't do it!

I like good surprises...

So at weigh in today, I was TOTALLY (TOTALLY) shocked!!!

Okay, so you know I weigh myself every morning. Lord knows I haven't always been able to do this, but it seems to be working okay for me for now. I woke up this morning and weighed myself and was saddened to see that after a victorious spin class and one very intense workout this past week, I was at the exact same weight as I was last Saturday. :[

I've learned to not get upset at my scale. I keep my remarks down to a one-word child-safe explicative. So, I shrugged it off and hung my head all the way to Weight Watchers waiting to hear that I'd gained a few tenths or maybe at best broken even. I was fully prepared for a gain.

I lost 1.4 pounds.

Huh?!

Then I remembered that I had gained 1 pound last week and I didn't feel like I deserved it at all. And 8/10ths the week before that.

So I'm going to chalk it all up to, #1, my scale isn't accurate, and #2, my body is going to fluctuate whether I like it or not and I'm not always going to get the numbers I think I should.

And I've got to think bigger picture... As long as, over the long haul, the line is still going down, then I'm going in the right direction.

I looked back at my weight record book as I was sitting waiting for class to start this morning and since Jan 2nd, I've lost 13.4 pounds.

Some would look at that and say "You've only lost 13.4 pounds in 8 months??!!". But considering I lost a whopping FIVE POUNDS from May 2009 to June 2010, I think I'm going to count those 13 pounds as a HUGE victory. Huge!!!

So, I'm still 4.2 pounds away from my Weight Watchers goal. So, let's see, if it took me 8 months to lose 13.4 pounds, then I should have these last 4.2 pounds off by... Let's see... 8 months=35 weigh ins... 13.4 pounds lost... that's about 4/10ths lost each week... So 4/10ths divided into 4.2 pounds should be 10 weeks, right?... So if that's right (and you have to know that math has always been my WORST subject) that would be the beginning of November...

I can totally live with that! I had randomly given myself til the end of the year to reach goal, so that's right on schedule.

Oh, and on a side note, we had a substitute leader this morning. Ned was on vacation. Don't get me wrong, the sub was a nice guy, but he's NO NED! :]

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Another first... In a BIG way!!!

Well, I had another first today...

For the first time in my live long life, I took a spin class!!

I've wanted to take a spin class since I first started Weight Watchers 3 1/2 years ago. I either belonged to a gym that didn't offer spin classes or we just didn't have it in the budget to belong to a gym. But finally...

Hubby's work offered a gym membership to Lifestyles Family Fitness for $30 a month! What a bargain, huh?!

So the first thing we did (being as we just signed up yesterday) was met with a personal trainer (first 3 sessions are free, of course) to assess our workout needs and create a plan. That was this morning at 6am. Yes, 6am. I have not seen 6am since last January when I was training for my marathon.

The trainer was sweet and very helpful. Tomorrow morning we're going back to do some actual work outs (or at least learn how to do them).

But when we got the tour around the place yesterday, I noticed their schedule showed TONS of spinning classes. That was top on my list of things to do once we joined.

So the first class was today at 6pm. So I hurried home, lightening fast, from work (I work 2.2 miles from home), changed, and scrambled to the gym (1 mile from home). Got there 5 minutes early and there was only 2 bikes empty. Yikes! I almost missed my first spin class. I think I would have cried if that had happened.

So the instructor asked if there were any first-timers in the class. Me and two other people raised our hand--the brave ones. I had no clue what I was doing. She was nice and helped me adjust my bike while everyone else was warming up.

Then it began.

Oh the torture!

I've always heard how brutal spin classes are. And every word I heard was true.

I thought I had died and gone to hell.

My legs hurt so bad. She kept saying "you feel that burn? That's the lactic acid. Push through it. If it's not burning, you're not doing it right.". Well, obviously I was doing it right because it sure burned. And after a while, I was so weak in the legs. I was past the burn part and my legs were just plain spaghetti noodles.

But I didn't stop. I pushed through to the end.

You should have seen me walking down the stairs after the class was over. I mean, who's genius idea was it to put the spin class on the 2nd floor of the gym???!!! I mean, really!

I didn't think I was gonna make it down. I'm sure I look pathetic. And then when I made it outside, I stepped off the curb to head for my car and I thought I was gonna face plant into the pavement. My knees just about gave out on me.

Man, what a workout!!

I can't wait to do that again!

Tomorrow night, I'm trying another first... Zumba! Have you guys ever done a spin class or Zumba?

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Two firsts...

I've had a couple of "firsts" lately. First of all, I cut my hair.

Okay, I'm sure you're asking yourself "is this the first time you've ever cut your hair?!". He he... No, silly!

BUT... this is the first time I've ever gotten my hair cut short.

My whole life, even when I was a kid, I've had long hair. Now, it's WAY short. Well, way short for me.

So this is the new me! What do you think?

I was SO nervous at the beauty parlor. I told my stylist that I'd never gotten it cut this short IN MY LIFE but that I wanted to do something COMPLETELY different to celebrate all the weight I'd lost. I started to go shorter but she said for me to wait and wear it for a week and then see if I really wanted it shorter.

I'm glad I didn't go shorter. I really love it. I'm having so much fun with it. I feel like an all new me!!


Now for the 2nd 1st. For the first time in my life, I went rollerblading. Now, mind you, you're talking to the lady who was deathly afraid of running just 2 years ago. Remember my fear of falling and breaking a knee or arm? I was so afraid that I'd have a heart attack or worse--die. But there I was, Monday night, rollerblading.

I felt like a kid learning how to ride my bike for the first time. I kept wobbling and jerking from fear that I'd fall. But I didn't.

What fun that was!! What a blast!!!

I've always heard the roller blading is a TOUGH workout. Well, not so much for me. You see, hubby also got a pair of roller blades and when I go with him, we go kinda slow. So I really haven't worked up a sweat yet. But he's getting the hang of it and I'm sure we'll be flying soon.

It's so much fun. I sit there all day just waiting for the work day to be over so I can go home and strap on my roller blades and go for a spin.

What fun!!!

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We're all in this together... Thank goodnes...

So, okay, I realize it's been since July 29th since I've last blogged (well, before yesterday, which wasn't really a blog post). I really hate myself for not blogging because so much happens from day to day and I really do need to blog it. It helps me be able to process things better and understand what's happening to me and I know it helps others who are going through the same things.

So this is me kicking myself in the pants to get myself to blog more often. (ouch!)

As of today, I am 4.6 lbs away from my Weight Watchers goal. Last week I was 3.8 lbs away. So, yes, I gained 8/10ths of a pound this past week. I have no idea why and frankly I just don't care to analyze it to figure out why. All I know is I ate what I was supposed to and I exercises like I was supposed to. So there. Nuf sed!

I know last week at Weight Watchers I wasn't that happy. They were talking about hiding when you eat what you're not supposed to and then hiding the evidence of it after you're done with it. I don't know about you guys, but I've been doing that my whole life. I can't count how many times I'd get an extra hamburger from the drive through and eat it before I got home where I'd eat my "regular" meal with my family. Or I'd eat an entire bag of chips and dip at lunch time, then shove the evidence of them to the bottom of the trash bag so no one would be the wiser. And I can't tell you how many times I've done this type of thing since I started Weight Watchers 3 1/2 years ago.

In fact, here's a blog about my last big fall. Though this was not the last time I've done something like this. I don't know if I'll ever be free of that monkey. But I can at least acknowledge that it happens. At least there's that.

But the thing that upset me so much about the meeting last week was that I felt like I was the only one who did this. There were others in the class who seemed so genuinely confused about the whole process and couldn't imagine actually hiding what they were eating or any evidence of it after they'd eaten it. Now, my husband said that maybe no one wanted to admit it out loud because of the humiliation of it all. And maybe that is what it was, but I just felt like I was as odd as a purple winged banana flying over a big pile of tie-died chocolate leaves. I felt so ashamed that I could possibly be the only one who did this.

Then this past week (yesterday) at Weight Watchers was much better. There was a lady there who seemed to be going through the same thing I went through a little more than a year ago with my self-sabotaging. It really started about a year and a half ago when I realize I was subconsciously telling myself that I wasn't good enough to be thin. Kind of a weird concept, now, but at the time it was so devastating that I could actually purposefully do something to sabotage my health and happiness. But I did it (and still do it sometimes). Whenever things would be going good and I'd be losing weight and feeling good, I'd derail my success by eating a TON of food and gaining alot of my hard earned losses back. Just crazy. But I kept doing it over and over until I, first, realized it and, secondly, did something about it. Brought it out into the open and told it that it couldn't not control my life any more.

Anyway, it was so nice being able to help someone else with these same feelings. She had already lost 150 lbs and I think she still had another hundred to go and she had never been thin a day in her life, even as a child. So now that she was looking and feeling so much better than she ever had, she wasn't allowing herself to feel good about that. She was still wanting to hide behind the fat that wasn't there any more. She wasn't feeling worthy of her loss.

Weird how we do that. We work so hard and get such great results, but then we won't allow ourselves to accept the outcome. We still feel like we didn't do anything. Or that we still have so far to go that we don't acknowledge how far we've come.

It was neat because I noticed that our leader just sat back and let us talk it through. There were others who had other problems that we all talked through, too. Was so nice to be able to help each other like that.

You know, that's what Weight Watchers is really all about for me. It's the sense of togetherness and knowing that we're all going through the same thing or have been through the same thing. We're not alone and we want to help each other get through it all. And that's why I love this blog, too. I love sharing what I've been through and am going through because you guys help me work through it and by you helping me, you're helping yourself as well. We have an unseen connection that ties us all together and helps us pull each other along.

Weight loss is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And I'm so glad I'm not alone.

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Weight Watchers magazine for only $2.99 a year...

Tanga is running this special again. But get it quick before it's gone. The $2.99 a year price will change at the drop of a hat.

Just go to here and type in the word "LOSE" as the coupon code. (It might not ask you to enter the code.)

P.S. I'm doing good. I'll post tomorrow to let you know how things are going. Ups and downs as usual, but I'm still hanging in there.

:)

I'm a "foodie"...

I've been thinking alot about food lately. I mean, a LOT.

I sit at work all day dreaming about food. I keep wondering what this or that would taste like. I'll even smell different types of food throughout the day that simply isn't there.

Like, I'll smell steak. Or Cheetos. Or cake. Or string cheese. ... Weird, huh?

And then I get home and think about food even more.

And being on this "diet" doesn't help matter much, because I always have to be thinking about (planning) what I'm going to eat next. And then once I've figured it out, I can't wait until I can eat it.

Remember when you were in school and class was over at 3:45 and it was 3:00 and it seemed like the clock had stopped? Every 2 seconds you'd be looking at the clock wondering why it wasn't moving any faster.

That's how I am all day long. I keep looking at the clock saying "is it time to eat yet?"

Food is all I can think of.

I even dream in food.

The other night I had a perfectly random dream that had absolutely nothing at all to do with food, but I'll be darned if the ground wasn't made of gum drops!

I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and I'll be normal if I can just stop obsessing over food.

But I can't get it out of my head.

Like just a few minutes ago I was thinking about what I ate last Saturday and planning what I was going to eat this coming Saturday. Random, huh?

One of the tools in Weight Watchers is to be prepared whenever you're heading into a social situation where you'll be eating at a restaurant. They say to either go online or stop by the restaurant before hand so you can see the menu and plan what you're going to eat so you won't be side swiped by all of the yumminess on them menu.

Well, I've been doing that my whole life! Nothing new there. We'd make a plan to go out to a particular restaurant and my mind would race over the imaginary menu in my head. What would I eat? Man! I'd have it all planned out WAY before I got to the restaurant.

So that was a "tool" I didn't have to worry about learning.

But now, I still do the same thing, but now I try to think of all the healthy things on the menu. That's a good thing, right? But I'm still doing the basic same thing, obsessing over food.

I swear, if you guys could see all of the food thoughts that go through my head all day long, every minute of the day, you'd be shocked. Not a minute goes by in my day that I'm not thinking about some sort of food.

So what do I do with that? How can I NOT obsess over food? How can I break my life-long habit of thinking about food my every waking moment?

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