Tuesday, February 26, 2008

one small step for me...

i learned something about myself today. i don't feel the same way towards food that i used to.

today, and the last few days, i've been in a funk. i don't know why. and don't know what's been causing it. i just feel... discontent and disconnected. and today was the worst. by the end of the work day, i just wanted to go home and crawl up on the couch and veg out in front of the tv.

so we had to stop by the grocery store on the way home to pick up something for dinner. i thought, "i want comfort food".

i was craving comfort food. my emotional slump. but it was kinda scary because i haven't given into my comfort food cravings in quite a while.

i got my favorite snack, which i'm sure most of you will think is weird, but hey, it's my life-time favorite food... ruffles dipped in philadelphia cream cheese.

i used to be able to eat the entire block of cream cheese in one setting. so i sat down in front of the tv and went to work at the block.

i got half way through and stopped and looked at how much i'd eaten. i did a self-check... was i still hungry, was i satisfied, did i really need to continue eating... i did.

i took a few more bites and i stopped to chew real slow and savor each crunch. i took a deep breath so i could smell it. i moved my tongue around and felt the texture i my mouth. i did all the things you're supposed to do to realize that comfort food isn't really all it's cracked up to be.

and you know what... it's not really.

i found that it wasn't as good as i remembered it.

my entire life, i've LOVED chips and cream cheese. it's my all-time comfort food to kill all other comfort foods.

and this time it wasn't comforting me at all.

i think i'm winning this battle against food. and against emotional eating.

this was one small triumph in many more triumphs that will be needed in order to take my life back from food and be free of it's hold.

yes, i finished the block of cream cheese and yes i over ate and yes i felt horrible about it afterwards. but it's in the past and i'm not looking back on it just to say that it didn't satisfy anything in me, emotionally or physically and i don't need to do that ever again.

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