Thursday, February 7, 2008

who said this would be easy...

i don't know, but they should be shot!

this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life.
in looking back, i can see that i've lost an average of 1.75 pounds each week. over the course of 39 weeks.

over various weeks, i had to lose a total of 4 pounds, TWICE. that is, i gained at various weeks and then had to lose that weight again. as if it's not hard enough to do the firs time. it sucks having to lose the same weight all over again.

and there were 3 weeks when i broke even.

all of that doesn't really sound like that much, but when you're sacrificing the one thing in life that you can always count on to be there for you, the one thing you can turn to to pick you up, the one thing you love more than most things in life... food... it sucks to sacrifice, although, now sacrifice doesn't even sound like the right word... it sounds to trivial... to deny... to deprive... it just sucks that you can deprive yourself of something so precious for so long, every day, every hour of the day thinking about the deprival and the denial state you're in, only to lose nothing or very little or worse, to lose nothing. it hurts.

so why do i keep doing it?

why do i do it at all?

how do i keep doing it?

the only thing i can think of is to look back at my success. instead of looking at the 4 pounds i had to lose twice, look at the 60 pounds that i only had to lose once. instead of looking at the 6 weeks i broke even or gained, look at the 33 weeks that i lost.

but why do i keep doing it?

what's my motivation?

my life

i want to live a long and healthy life. i want to be able to climb a mountain IF i want to. i want to be able to go hiking in the woods without fear of passing out after a short period of walking. i want to run a marathon. i want to be buff. i want to live long. i want to outlive everyone in my family. i want to be able to take a hot air balloon ride without having to pay an absorbent amount of money (they charge by the pound, you know).

these things sound so simple and basic in life.

that's all i want.

i just have to keep reminding myself that these simple things in life are all worth the sacrifice... the denial... the deprivation... the pain... it's all worth it.

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