Tuesday, July 29, 2008

overcoming the old me...

You know, I was thinking yesterday about something I used to do when I was embarrassed of my size. I remember thinking that I wasn't fat, but I sure felt fat when I was in public. My biggest embarrassment was standing in line at the grocery store or in line at a fast food place.

People have a natural tendency to look behind them when someone comes up to stand in line behind them. I think it's a safety precaution. I used to absolutely hate that intruding glance. I felt violated by their glances. I could feel them look at me but I wouldn't look back at them. Especially if I had something like ice cream or chips of cookies in my hands. I just knew they were thinking 'man, look at that lazy, fat lady buying that junk food, disgusting!'. So I'd hide my face by looking behind me or pretending to be interested in one of the magazines on the rack.

Another thing I would do is to hide my face whenever I drove in front of a row of stopped cars. Say I was in the turn lane and my lane went first so the people across the street sitting there at the red light were just sitting there starring forward waiting for their light to turn green. I would always lift my hand up to my face and pretend like I was scratching my forehead or face so that my fat face would be obstructed. I just knew they were thinking 'man, look at that lazy, fat lady driving that car, grose!'. And I absolutely HATED eating in a car while I was driving. That was just disgusting to think about what everyone else was thinking about me.

And what I realized just the other day is that I don't do that any more. I now feel confident when I pass in front of a line of stopped cars. My face isn't fat any more! I haven't fake-scratched my face in quite a while.

And in the grocery store, I now smile at the person in front of me. It doesn't embarrass me at all!

I feel like I've made a small triumph in feeling better about myself. It's a shame I put those thoughts into my head in the first place. But I'm past them now. I just hope I never get back to those awful feelings again!

Somehow, I'm back up 2 pounds since the weekend. I'm hoping its just because I've biked 3 times since then and it's added muscle. I've been eating what I should and drinking lost of water. No splurging (well, except for Saturday).

We'll see how it goes.

Monday's Workout Stats:
Total Calories Burned: 640
Minimum HR: 97
Maximum HR: 176
Average HR: 152
Total Time Biking: 61 min
Total Distance: 10.75 miles

Tuesday's Workout Stats:
Total Calories Burned: 477
Minimum HR: 76
Maximum HR: 160
Average HR: 125
Total Time Biking: 65 min
Total Distance: 9.33 miles


Deborah said...

I know those feelings. I had them too. I'm getting a little prissy with my weihght loss and I'm afraid I'll be even worse when I'm actually down here I want to be. You'll have to keep me in check.

Way to go on the bike rides!!

Katschi said...

I have these feelings if I'm meeting new people or walking in front of a row of cars.
Your overcoming this proves that this isn't just about losing extra weight but gaining quality of life as well.
I weighed in today and I'm happy to report that I'm down 1 lb for a total of 2.6 lbs so far.
You must feel so invigorated after your bike rides, yes? Good going!

MaryFran said...

I'm so glad to hear that you are so much more confident with yourself and your body! That is a huge huge huge victory! Congrats!

Karyn said...

You've described me. It's good to know I'm not alone in thinking such silly thoughts.

I'm realizing that people probably aren't looking at me nearly as much as I think they are.

Plus, having lost almost 29 pouds, I am feeling more confident in myself....I KNOW I'm going to make it this time!

Jenn said...
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